GET the COOKIE

[negative-speedforce]

See, I still have my really terrible flying machine from earlier, when my hang-gliding Frankenstein went on strike. A box fan, a parachute, a lawn chair, duct tape, and a whole lot of prayers have me patrolling the skies, hundreds of feet above the ground.

Then, I see you. You're biking down the highway, blasting 90s rock at top volume. You're so busy looking out on the highway, having a great time, you don't even notice me flying in on my flying machine. I pickpocket the cookie from your biker jacket, then fly away, cackling maniacally. Unfortunately, I don't get far before the duct tape comes loose and the box fan comes off the back of my flying machine, leaving me in my lawn chair to parachute safely to the ground

I crashland in a nearby forest, bemoaning my shoddy crafty flying machine. But at least I have my cookie now. Walking through the forest, dragging the pieces of my flying machine behind me, I begin my slow trek to civilization.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Knife between my teeth, I bushwhack through the dense forest, flashbacks of Nam (which I've never been to) fresh in my mind. "Charlie is that you?" I whisper. I hope not, for Charlie's sake. Because I'm after whomever took my Cookie.

There you are, crouched on a rock petting the cookie "My own, my love, my precious." I hear you croon.

I dig a Cu Chi tunnel so small that only one person, holding the cookie can fit through, on their belly. I reach up, snatch the cookie, and put a ring pop in your hand where the cookie was. Holding in maniacal laughter, as I waddle away, uncomfortably, somewhat like an overweight dauschund, on my belly,

Now you can croon over the one Ring Pop, while I cross the mighty Fanno Creek, heading for McDonalds, and a McFlurry.

 

[negative-speedforce]

A RING POP???

Being a supervillain, I do love bling, however, I'm not the biggest fan of lolipops, so thanks for the accessory, but YOU TOOK MY COOKIE!!!

Fuming and seething, I begin my long slow search for you- which isn't hard. I'm in the middle of nowhere, and there's a giant human-sized gopher tunnel in the ground. I follow the tunnel to the end, then follow the trail of bushwhacked foliage back to the road. First of all, you took my cookie, and second, dude, the environment?

I hitch a ride on the back of a chicken truck back to town, make plenty of feathered friends, then finally get off, where I realize something takes more precedence than the cookie- getting lost in the woods makes you really, really hungry.

Since being a supervillain doesn't pay well and Dracula still hasn't given me back the money I loaned him, I have just enough in my pockets for a burger and a soda from McDonald's. Not my first choice, but hey, I'm hungry and my flying machine is broken.

I go into the restaurant and order a cheeseburger and a large orange soda, then, when my food comes go to sit down. I look down at my phone, playing one of my mind-numbing phone games, then I look up and see you, Cookie in one hand, a spoon for an Oreo McFlurry in the other.

I stuff my lunch in my bag, then tiptoe over to the counter and whisper an order for a chocolate chip cookie. I watch and wait for the opportune moment, when you put the Cookie down for just a second to check your texts, then switch out the Cookie for the kinda stale McDonald's one, then disappear out the door, flagging a taxi and returning back to my evil lair.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

You're unlucky that the ice cream machine is broken. Cos I saw you the moment you stole my cookie, and I was on my feet running after you, right at your heels. It was nothing to take your cookie and exchange it for a cold chicken mc nugget.

I ignite my jet pack and i'm off for the mountains, where my cookie and I can spend the weekend, learning more about each other, and bonding.

 

[negative-speedforce]

Well, Dracula still hasn't given me back my money, and I doubt he ever will, so instead, I recruit his help in retaking the cookie. Since vampires love hanging out in rainy forests- just watch Twilight and you'll see. It took a little convincing to get him off the couch and to stop watching Drag Race, but eventually he agreed to help (it's a long story- I got captured by him and needed a distraction, and I thought that with him being like 500 years old, showing him a horde of glittery drag queens would be enough to turn him into ash. Unfortunately, due to Dracula being kinda campy himself, he's hooked now.)

Using his excellent vampire senses, he tracked the cookie, with me riding piggyback. I told him, "Better hold on tight, spider monkey", but he didn't get the reference. I suppose I need to show him Twilight now, too.

He was able to track you through the woods, and when he saw you, sitting in a clearing in your biker ensemble from earlier, due to him having bingewatched every season of Rupaul's Drag Race, he shouted in a thick Transylvanian accent, "Yasss, Kveen! Slay! Slay! Vork it!" This got your attention, and when you saw me and Count Dracula awaiting you, you took off and ran, Cookie in hand.

I hopped back on Dracula's back, taking off through the woods. I yelled, "Yee-Haw!" and pulled out my lasso, roping you in. I tied you up and Dracula turned into a giant bat, and carried the cookie away in one claw, and me in the other.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Gazing up at the gargantuan bat, large enough to carry an adult female, and audacious enough to take MY Cookie, my first instinct is to crouch down covering my head with my arms and scream "Ew ew ew ew! A bat! Is it in my hair???!?"

But when I realize what's going on, I push past my fear, anger flaming in my eyes with the heat of a baker's dozen cookies.

Over yonder, some tourists are about to take a hot air balloon ride over the valley. They're wearing Hawaiian shirts, and that old fashioned sunscreen that makes your nose white.

I explain the situation to Phyllis and Darrel. It's their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Upon hearing of the Cookie heist, they immediately climb out of the basket, allowing me to commandeer it.

I pull the chain that opens the bellows on the balloon. Whoosh. Okay ten feet off the ground. Whoosh. Another ten feet. Whoosh. Another ten feet. Good thing I'm following a bat and not an aircraft or this would take forever. Whoosh. Okay we're getting some leverage.

And yes, a draft of wind!

The wind begins propelling me slowly over the valley. I take the time to enjoy good ol' Phyllis and Darrel's anniversary cheese platter. Ooh I love these mini pickles.

Whoosh. Whoosh. Gaining more altitude.

All right I am now hovering high over the surrounding hills. I see Dracula's castle in the distance.

I am just above Dracula's castle, and my balloon is slowly making it's descent. The castle portcullis is closed, but that is of little significance, as I land inside the courtyard.

It is two p.m. and all the vampires are sleeping. So I just sneak into the castle, and search high and low until I find you with your back to me. You're the only one awake, and you're searching the fridge. Disgusted by their lack of good food. Gagging and muttering something about blood sausage and black pudding being decroded. And something about the plasma center not being a supermarket.

The Cookie is on the kitchen counter behind you. Silently, I trade The Cookie for Phyllis and Darrel's anniversary platter of fine cheeses, vegetables, crackers, salted nuts, grapes, and that fizzy apple juice that's for special occasions.

I tiptoe out of the kitchen listening to your exclamations of "gross!" as you open up different cabinets in the kitchen. Clearly you haven't seen the cheese platter yet. And that really good fizzy apple juice that comes in a wine bottle.

I climb back into my hot air balloon basket. The winds are on my side. Whoosh. slowly. Woosh. Another ten feet. Whoosh. Whoosh. Finally I'm up in the sky floating away in my beautiful balloon toward home, or is that Oz?

Somewhere in the distance, just barely on the wind, I can hear a joyful cheering of "All right! Crackers and cheese! Finally. Something that doesn't look like a twelve year old shoplifted the Red Cross!"

 

[negative-speedforce]

After scarfing down the crackers and cheese, (thanks for lunch btw) I look around and realize- wait. My beloved Cookie is gone.

I leave Dracula to go watch whatever season of Drag Race he's binge-watching this time and sashay away, returning to my evil lab. Through my mad science, I manage to track you to... somewhere over the rainbow?

There's only one way I know to get to Oz, and that frankly scares the socks off of me. Taking a deep breath and whispering, "Grandma, save me!", my hang-gliding Frankenstein takes off, with me strapped to his chest. We fly across the countryside, to the middle of Kansas, where there's been a tornado warning. We fly into the heart of the tornado, and end up getting spat out in Munchkinland.

After repairing our hang-glider, my Frankenstein takes off again, and as we soar over Oz, since I'm a huge fan of musical theatre, I of course have to belt "Defying Gravity" from Wicked.

You're sitting in your apartment in the Emerald City, as you distantly hear, "So if you care to find me, look to the western sky; as someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly!" sang from outside your window. I smash through your window and unclip myself from my Frankenstein, continuing to sing.

You are mesmerized by my vocal performance- I'd have made a pretty good Elphaba if I'd gotten that off-Broadway run I wanted, but instead I had to go into mad science. As you listen to me sing Elphaba's final riff, I snatch the cookie, and take off into the skies towards home, crooning out "Popular"

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I call up my old friend Glinda. She shows up and wags her finger no and chides that it is pronounced "Ga-lin-da".

"Fine." I mudder. "Ga-lin-da, can you help me?"

The good witch of the north looks at me with great concern as I explain all that has happened. She agrees to get the cookie back.

She zaps a monkey with her wand, and then zaps me. Suddenly I have crow wing, monkey wing things growing out of my back.

Pretty cool. But kinda creepy at the same time. NGL

"Flappity flap flap!" she sings and dances. I flutter off the floor at out the window. She calls out in song "You shall have your wings until midnight, at which time they shall be transcombobulated back on to this lowly ape."

The ape grumbles at the slight. Ga-lin-da doesn't notice. She smiles and floats away in a big bubble.

I flappity flap flap calling out "CAW CAW CAW!" as if I were Ludella, Queen of the Crows! As I fly faster and faster, charging through the sky like a thunderbolt.

My eyes dial in on the cookie in your hand. I lust over it like a crow who sees a shiny coin. I wants it! It's mine! My own! My precious cookie!!!

I snatch it out of your hand and as fearless as a murder of crows, I plunge myself into the heart of a tornado and get transported back home.

I wake up in my bed, and kiss the cookie on my pillow. There is no place like home.

I notice it is 11:45 at night, and I still have my crow wings. Time to fulfill a lifelong wish for the next fifteen minutes. And so I go to my closet, put on the gothiest dress I can find, and some tall black leather boots.

Time to be Ludella. Queen of the Crows. I feel so goth I could just dye dye dye my hair black.

I soar up into the sky, rousing all the crows in the trees. Time to black out the skies with our numbers.

Cookie in hand, I soar over the west hills. This is most excellent. Time for soaring under the stars with my crow hordes for fifteen minutes, before going home and watching my wings disappear.

 

[negative-speedforce]

"Ca-caw! Ca-caw!"

I am roused from my evil slumber by the sound of a murder- that being the proper name for a flock of crows (seriously, look it up).

Immediately, I am filled with rage. A strange woman with crow wings that, for some reason, smelled like the ape exhibit at the zoo had stolen my cookie earlier today. I will not let you escape again.

I grab a giant butterfly net, the kind one would use in their leisure time to catch Nazgul riding on their fell-beasts, if one thought that was a good idea (don't judge), and go outside, waiting for a certain someone to fly overhead. It's 11:58 PM, and you're on your way flying home, when you get entangled in my net.

"Mwahahahaha!" I laugh, twirling my non-existent mustache. "I have you now, my pretty! And your little Cookie, too!"

You try to keep it away from me, but it is futile. I take the cookie and drop you off at the top of a tree. By now, you no longer have wings, but you do still smell like a monkey, so I tell my hang-gliding Frankenstein to go pick you up and take you home in the morning, once you've kinda aired out and no longer smell like the zoo.

Ah, sweet mystery of Cookie, at last I found you. Now, I can go back to sleep and my evil dreams.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I can't help that my temporary wings were of the simian variety! They were pretty darn cool though, don't you think? Who cares about a little residual smell. Every time I get a whiff of that monkey funk (or until I shower later..) I'll be reminded of the time I flew on the wings of crows. Well. Monkeys actually.

Don't judge. Some people can't afford the nice stuff.

I ring up an uber and tell them your address. I am shocked. It's your hang gliding frankenstein. He's had to get a night gig as an uber and uber eats driver, seeing as you are paying him well under the federal minimum wage.

"Me illegal immigrant." Frankie laments.

I let him know I've got government connections and I promise to get him his citizenship if he helps me get the cookie back.

"Me help! Me help big!" Frankie cheerfully grunts.

We get to your evil lair, only to find all the doors and windows are locked tight.

I ring the doorbell.

Nothing.

I knock.

Nothing.

I yell up at the windows and throw little stones to wake you up.

All I get is the neighbor yelling "SHADDDUP!" into the night.

I whisper, respectful to the neighbors who have to get up in the morning, into Frankenstein's ear.

He nods happily. He punches his way into your house. The neighbors really start yelling shut up.

Quickly Frankenstein and I scuttle through the rubble that was your kitchen wall, and then tiptoe up your stairs. You know, because of stealth and all that.

We find you sleeping, with headphones on, music blaring, cuddling with The Cookie.

Frankenstein tiptoes over to you (boom boom boom goes his not so sneaky feet) but you don't hear him as it seems that Black Pink is in your Area.

Frankenstein takes the cookie from your arms and replaces it with a teddy bear from his pocket.

Stealthy like we tip toe out of your room and down the stairs (Frankie with his big boom boom boom footsteps).

I let Frankenstein know that by morning he will have his citizenship. Time for putting on the ritz. We go out clubbing to celebrate.

 

[negative-speedforce]

As you know, for a time, I temporarily gave up supervillainy to pursue my other passion- being a DJ. Well, heartbroken over my Frankenstein leaving me and losing the Cookie, I decide to pursue the one other thing that brings me joy, other than Cookie Thievery and creating undead monsters- making sick beats!

While getting down to a truly gnarly beat (literally- it's a remix of Gnarly by Katseye), I notice you in the crowd, grooving with MY FRANKENSTEIN and MY COOKIE! Enfuriated, I leave the music skipping on one note, as if the beat is about to drop, sneak into the crowd, and pickpocket the Cookie, then return seconds later and drop the beat.

You party hardy, then go home, unaware that the Cookie has been returned to its rightful owner until you wake up tomorrow morning, still tired from last night's shenanigans.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I wake up underneath an empty concession stand. Wow that was a big party. The DJ looked so familiar too. I'm exhausted. I stumble out of the empty arena, find my car and begin the long drive home.

Getting home I take off my jacket. But first I remember to empty my pockets. Keys, wallet, rubber chicken, cellphone. The big four. Oh yeah, and the cookie.

What?? Wait?? Why is there a used CD copy of "Wow Hits 2010" where the cookie is supposed to be?? Britt Nicole, how could you?

No! No! No! I tear through my pockets. All I can find are crumbs.

I hop back in my car, and speed back to the arena, where you are working one of those big floor buffers. I didn't realize performers have to clean up after a concert. I feel guilty for a moment that I stole your Frankenstein. I didn't realize he was your roadie.

As you're powermopping the entire event floor, your boss comes in. He says to pick up the pace. It's Blazers vs Sonics in fifteen minutes, and he can still see scuffs from dancing shoes last night.

As he's lecturing about how non-rubberized shoe soles blacken floors (as you are rolling your eyes), I crawl up behind you guys and pickpocket the cookie.

I sneak out of the arena, and get into the car, flyin down the highway towards the coast. I could use a vacation. Just me, the cookie, and a balcony overlooking the King Tides.