GET the COOKIE

[negative-speedforce]

See, I still have my really terrible flying machine from earlier, when my hang-gliding Frankenstein went on strike. A box fan, a parachute, a lawn chair, duct tape, and a whole lot of prayers have me patrolling the skies, hundreds of feet above the ground.

Then, I see you. You're biking down the highway, blasting 90s rock at top volume. You're so busy looking out on the highway, having a great time, you don't even notice me flying in on my flying machine. I pickpocket the cookie from your biker jacket, then fly away, cackling maniacally. Unfortunately, I don't get far before the duct tape comes loose and the box fan comes off the back of my flying machine, leaving me in my lawn chair to parachute safely to the ground

I crashland in a nearby forest, bemoaning my shoddy crafty flying machine. But at least I have my cookie now. Walking through the forest, dragging the pieces of my flying machine behind me, I begin my slow trek to civilization.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Knife between my teeth, I bushwhack through the dense forest, flashbacks of Nam (which I've never been to) fresh in my mind. "Charlie is that you?" I whisper. I hope not, for Charlie's sake. Because I'm after whomever took my Cookie.

There you are, crouched on a rock petting the cookie "My own, my love, my precious." I hear you croon.

I dig a Cu Chi tunnel so small that only one person, holding the cookie can fit through, on their belly. I reach up, snatch the cookie, and put a ring pop in your hand where the cookie was. Holding in maniacal laughter, as I waddle away, uncomfortably, somewhat like an overweight dauschund, on my belly,

Now you can croon over the one Ring Pop, while I cross the mighty Fanno Creek, heading for McDonalds, and a McFlurry.

 

[negative-speedforce]

A RING POP???

Being a supervillain, I do love bling, however, I'm not the biggest fan of lolipops, so thanks for the accessory, but YOU TOOK MY COOKIE!!!

Fuming and seething, I begin my long slow search for you- which isn't hard. I'm in the middle of nowhere, and there's a giant human-sized gopher tunnel in the ground. I follow the tunnel to the end, then follow the trail of bushwhacked foliage back to the road. First of all, you took my cookie, and second, dude, the environment?

I hitch a ride on the back of a chicken truck back to town, make plenty of feathered friends, then finally get off, where I realize something takes more precedence than the cookie- getting lost in the woods makes you really, really hungry.

Since being a supervillain doesn't pay well and Dracula still hasn't given me back the money I loaned him, I have just enough in my pockets for a burger and a soda from McDonald's. Not my first choice, but hey, I'm hungry and my flying machine is broken.

I go into the restaurant and order a cheeseburger and a large orange soda, then, when my food comes go to sit down. I look down at my phone, playing one of my mind-numbing phone games, then I look up and see you, Cookie in one hand, a spoon for an Oreo McFlurry in the other.

I stuff my lunch in my bag, then tiptoe over to the counter and whisper an order for a chocolate chip cookie. I watch and wait for the opportune moment, when you put the Cookie down for just a second to check your texts, then switch out the Cookie for the kinda stale McDonald's one, then disappear out the door, flagging a taxi and returning back to my evil lair.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

You're unlucky that the ice cream machine is broken. Cos I saw you the moment you stole my cookie, and I was on my feet running after you, right at your heels. It was nothing to take your cookie and exchange it for a cold chicken mc nugget.

I ignite my jet pack and i'm off for the mountains, where my cookie and I can spend the weekend, learning more about each other, and bonding.

 

[negative-speedforce]

Well, Dracula still hasn't given me back my money, and I doubt he ever will, so instead, I recruit his help in retaking the cookie. Since vampires love hanging out in rainy forests- just watch Twilight and you'll see. It took a little convincing to get him off the couch and to stop watching Drag Race, but eventually he agreed to help (it's a long story- I got captured by him and needed a distraction, and I thought that with him being like 500 years old, showing him a horde of glittery drag queens would be enough to turn him into ash. Unfortunately, due to Dracula being kinda campy himself, he's hooked now.)

Using his excellent vampire senses, he tracked the cookie, with me riding piggyback. I told him, "Better hold on tight, spider monkey", but he didn't get the reference. I suppose I need to show him Twilight now, too.

He was able to track you through the woods, and when he saw you, sitting in a clearing in your biker ensemble from earlier, due to him having bingewatched every season of Rupaul's Drag Race, he shouted in a thick Transylvanian accent, "Yasss, Kveen! Slay! Slay! Vork it!" This got your attention, and when you saw me and Count Dracula awaiting you, you took off and ran, Cookie in hand.

I hopped back on Dracula's back, taking off through the woods. I yelled, "Yee-Haw!" and pulled out my lasso, roping you in. I tied you up and Dracula turned into a giant bat, and carried the cookie away in one claw, and me in the other.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Gazing up at the gargantuan bat, large enough to carry an adult female, and audacious enough to take MY Cookie, my first instinct is to crouch down covering my head with my arms and scream "Ew ew ew ew! A bat! Is it in my hair???!?"

But when I realize what's going on, I push past my fear, anger flaming in my eyes with the heat of a baker's dozen cookies.

Over yonder, some tourists are about to take a hot air balloon ride over the valley. They're wearing Hawaiian shirts, and that old fashioned sunscreen that makes your nose white.

I explain the situation to Phyllis and Darrel. It's their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Upon hearing of the Cookie heist, they immediately climb out of the basket, allowing me to commandeer it.

I pull the chain that opens the bellows on the balloon. Whoosh. Okay ten feet off the ground. Whoosh. Another ten feet. Whoosh. Another ten feet. Good thing I'm following a bat and not an aircraft or this would take forever. Whoosh. Okay we're getting some leverage.

And yes, a draft of wind!

The wind begins propelling me slowly over the valley. I take the time to enjoy good ol' Phyllis and Darrel's anniversary cheese platter. Ooh I love these mini pickles.

Whoosh. Whoosh. Gaining more altitude.

All right I am now hovering high over the surrounding hills. I see Dracula's castle in the distance.

I am just above Dracula's castle, and my balloon is slowly making it's descent. The castle portcullis is closed, but that is of little significance, as I land inside the courtyard.

It is two p.m. and all the vampires are sleeping. So I just sneak into the castle, and search high and low until I find you with your back to me. You're the only one awake, and you're searching the fridge. Disgusted by their lack of good food. Gagging and muttering something about blood sausage and black pudding being decroded. And something about the plasma center not being a supermarket.

The Cookie is on the kitchen counter behind you. Silently, I trade The Cookie for Phyllis and Darrel's anniversary platter of fine cheeses, vegetables, crackers, salted nuts, grapes, and that fizzy apple juice that's for special occasions.

I tiptoe out of the kitchen listening to your exclamations of "gross!" as you open up different cabinets in the kitchen. Clearly you haven't seen the cheese platter yet. And that really good fizzy apple juice that comes in a wine bottle.

I climb back into my hot air balloon basket. The winds are on my side. Whoosh. slowly. Woosh. Another ten feet. Whoosh. Whoosh. Finally I'm up in the sky floating away in my beautiful balloon toward home, or is that Oz?

Somewhere in the distance, just barely on the wind, I can hear a joyful cheering of "All right! Crackers and cheese! Finally. Something that doesn't look like a twelve year old shoplifted the Red Cross!"