GET the COOKIE

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I was in Tahoe! And this had to happen!

As I am now surrounded by throngs of serene, burly, potato-faced feminists in ill-fitting, groaning spandex, I try my hardest not to look around.

As I twist myself into the latest yoga pose: "Downward Facing Kombucha Scoby", I notice the Cabellas across the street. I see some fishermen from Southern Oregon pile tackle into their pickup truck. I know this is my only shot.

I charge full speed out the door. I run as fast as I can and jump into the bed of the pick up truck, hiding under the massive Gadsden Flag that is mounted in the back.

They drive and drive, and after hours of hearing the "Greater Idaho" national anthem, we arrive at the southern Oregon coast. I stow away on a fishing boat bound for the South Pacific. The crew find me and make me work. As I'm pulling up the nets one night, I notice a rare, endangered giant squid caught in the net. This is my one and only shot!

I run below decks and put on a scuba suit. I lower the net, and free the squid. I then jump on its back and ride it down to the murky depths of the Mariana trench. Giving "Squeaky" the signal (okay, so I named the squid "Squeaky"), he grabs the submarine and pulls it up to the surface. I open the top hatch and climb inside.

Finding you slumbering in your quarters, I notice a series of supposely "secure" doors that have been left open by the janitor. I notice that the stand is bolted down to the ship, but the cookie is just sitting on top of it. So I grab the cookie. As I run down the hall, I notice Professor Aronax offering a hysterical Ned Land a fidget spinner to try to calm him down. "Dude, chill out." I mutter. Then I point to the giant open hatch, "Uh, you guys could like, uh, escape now. There's a fishing boat waiting outside."

So we all escape the clutches of the Evil Captain Skittlebisquit, with the cookie, and sail through the ocean, heading for the fair havens of home. Finally, I can have that Tahoe vacation. Just me and the cookie in my hand. But that's another story.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Traveling across the ocean you see a very hairy and nearly naked old man, sitting in a floating inflatable duck, and calmly reading a slightly soggy newspaper.

Worried that this poor soul has become lost at sea by some horrible tradgedy, and being a decent sort, you pull alongside and offer assistance.

After you get the soggy gentleman aboard and give him your extra elvis costume to wear, you resume your journey yet again, bound for the oregon coast.

As you near the destination you notice your crew is one short, where is elvis?
You look everywhere but he is not to be found. Your search turns up some rather disturbing news. The cookie is missing too.

Finally one of your crew grabs a pair of binoculars and looks towards shore, where you see me meeting my accomplice on the beach, im wearing a white linen suit, stolen italian shoes and a rather striking white hat, with a feather in the brim.

We climb into the waiting tourbus, that still says Further on the destination sign and roll away towards destiny, just me, an animal menagerie, and the surviving members of the merry pranksters and of course, the cookie

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Guess who's driving, baby?

While everyone is out using the facilities at a rest stop, I go through all the lunch bags, looking for the cookie. Finally I spy it in the corner of my eye, the cookie. You've been using it as a bookmark in your copy of The Art of War, by Sun Tzu.

I take the cookie back, put it carefully in my pocket, and drive off with the tourbus.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Foiled again!

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Thankfully my mental illnesses are as diverse and complex as can be imagined, in addition to the napoleonic urges, delusions various and sundrie, the occasional odd bit of time displacement, and my cookie obsession, i am also more paranoid than a politician at a house of ill repute.

I am totally ok with that actually it saves time. Not only is there more than one tracking device on auntie alice's rv, but i carry with me a special gadget i had @Misery make me to be able to find the bus. I get lost sometimes, usually following a celebration.

I call up @DavidS on my sat phone, and he agrees to come and pick me up. Because he is able to drive at truly terrifying speed, in a wicked cool fine tastic muscle car that he won on a radio call in contest, we are able to get ahead of you, so as to lie in wait.

We reject the notion of the fake craft show and instead put out a sign that says
"Free to a good home, adorable starving kittens" with a kitty picture on it.

Sure enough, just a few minutes later, you roll in to the campground and hop out of the bus. When you have approached a lively looking old lady sitting with a box of kittens in her lap, we spring the trap!

A full chuckle of clowns rise up holding pies; cocked, locked, and ready to rock!

"Take it easy on yourself lady, give us the cookie!" One of them calls out.

"Yeah give us the cookie, or you'll be sorry!" Says another

"Time to play it smart sweetheart" suggests a third

You look around and see upraised pies on all sides. Now most people have never seen a full chuckle(26 clowns) before, its an impressive sight. The colors alone.....

Slower than an arizona politician trying to count ballots, you gently put the cookie down and raise your hands in surrender.

"Hey lets everybody just take it easy, ok?" You suggest in your best teacher voice, still hoping to get out of this without getting pie in the face.

The kitten lady stands up and throws off her cloak, it was me all along! Still dressed in my immaculate white linen suit, with a cravat, and a flower in my lapel.

I hop on to the bus, leaving you to the undoubtedly dark desires of the clown mercenaries, giggling a bit and staring at the cookie, and we roll out blaring really classic rock n roll from the loudspeakers, me the band, several animal friends, and the cookie

 

[Misery]

what

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Its a game of pretend. The latest round started somewhere about page eight.

C'mon wanna play?

 

[Misery]

Hm, ya know what, I have a unique idea as to how I could maybe add something to this. If it works it'll probably be hilarious. Maybe.

A bit later though, must have food.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Martha "Scissors" Stewart was able to get out of prison early. On her court date, she claimed that she was only innocently looting and not actually shoplifting, so they just took her picture, gave her a bologna sandwich and a Capri Sun, and dropped all charges.

She pulled up on a stolen road bike and we tracked you down using her crime syndicate of spies and theives (also known as A list celebrities).

There you were, in Las Vegas, predictably checking into Circus Circus Hotel and Casino. With your chucklehead comrades busy around back- applying for jobs in the next floor show, we set the trap.

You sit in the amphitheater about to watch Evil Knevil the 4th perform a death-defying motorcycle jump through a flaming hoop, and over a chuckle of 26 clowns.

You put the cookie down as an oddly familiar waitress hands you a bag of popcorn and a soda. With both hands occupied, and your attention distracted by the spectacle down on the stage below, I take my opportunity to steal the cookie and tuck it in my apron.

The motorcyclist roars up the ramp, and just before launching towards the hoop, she burns out a 180 degree turn and charges up the stairs of the amphitheater. I jump on the back of Martha Stewart's stolen motorcycle, and escape yet again, with the cookie.

 

[Misery]

Okay, disclaimer: I shoved the previous bit of story at an AI (OpenAI's GPT-3 model, to be exact) to see what it'd come up with. The following is the result of it continuing the story, and me typing in interactions and making edits in places where I wanted to, in the style of an old 80s text adventure game. However, I let it run the show far more than would normally happen during an "adventure" session (as in, I typed fewer commands and kept prompting it to continue). Format is a little weird, but just try to bear with me here:

Unfortunately, the clowns from before had other ideas. With the 26 of them, they form a ring around you, effectively blocking you from moving forward. You come to a stop on your bike. "Give it back!" one of them says. Then in unison they all start chanting: "Give it back! Give it back! Give it back!"

"What are you on about?" you ask. "That's our cookie container!" one of them says. You look down, and sure enough, you're sitting on a Tupperware cookie container.

> You say "Wait, what? Where did this come from? Where is the bike?"

"I'll ask the questions, rat." The clown says, now pulling out a handgun. Unexpectedly, the gun goes off, and the bullet hits the cookie container. The Tupperware now has a hole in it, and a crack runs through the plastic.
"Uh oh."

> You back away from the cookie container.

The heat from the bullet hole melts the butter, which runs down the inside of the plastic and drips out the bottom of the container. You're distracted by a ringing sound. "Hello?" you answer your cell phone.

> You say "Who is this? I dont have time to talk, I'm being attacked by magic clowns!"

"Are you OK?"

"No! I'm being attacked by clowns with guns!"

"Listen, they're really nice people. They just... Oh nevermind, they'll kill you anyway. Just go with it."

> You throw the phone at the clown.

The phone hits the clown in the face, and he falls backwards. You take your chance and run down the strip, away from the circus. "Get back here!" the clown screams, chasing after you. You turn a corner, and suddenly, the cookie container is there. But it's all wrong, as if the container is bigger on the inside than the outside. It's almost as if it's a... portal.

"What are you waiting for?" Meliodas says, appearing in the container. "Come on, get in."

> You jump into the container. You jump into the container, and find yourself in a room with a single door. Sitting in the corner is Ela, tied up and gagged.

> You say "Great, I got away from the clowns, but now things make even less sense."

"WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY?"
"There were 26 evil clowns with guns who were trying to kill me!"
"That was just the G Men. You should have stayed, and they would have gone away."
The door opens, and the world's most psychotic clown enters.
"Hello." he says. In one hand is a large knife, in the other is a large, ball-jointed doll. Inexplicably, the broken doll is holding the cookie.

"As you can see, the cookie is mine. Or, more accurately, hers" he says, as he sets the doll down. The doll stands up on her own, and begins to walk towards you.

"No." you say, stepping backwards.

Yes!" the clown smiles.

The doll stops, looking at you. She reaches her arm out to you, offering you the cookie in her hand. "Take it." the doll whispers.

> You take the cookie from the doll.

You take the cookie, biting into it. It's incredibly tasty. You look down at the doll, which has a surprised look on her face. The surprise quickly morphs into a twisted grin. "Now you'll be sacrificed" she says, as the cookie, now whole again, reappears in her hand.

Her gaze shifts towards the psychotic clown. "Or at least, that's what they want to happen. But I've got a better idea" she says, as she turns towards you. "Let's escape." She turns, and looks at the door. She holds up her hand, which appears to have conjured a key.


Well, that's... a thing, isnt it? I have no idea who Meliodas or Ela are or why it stuffed them in there (and then promptly forgot about them). On the plus side, bizarre freaky doll.

So... yeah, there's whatever that is. Do whatever you like with it next.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I wake up, drenched in sweat and exclaim, "That's the last time I take melatonin before bed, I tell you what!" Martha "Scissors" Stewart bangs on the wall. I hear a muffled "Be quiet!" from the next room over.

I look over at the nightstand of the seedy motel I'm staying in. There is the cookie, safe and sound. I reach over and pet it, softly whispering: "My own, my love, my precious".

Suddenly I get a hankering for taters. I wonder if the Denny's across the street is still open?

 

[Skittlebisquit]

A Whistle blows shrill and bright, down descends the fairy godmother, wand held high, the Book held to her toga clad bosoms, as tinkling golden lights dance about her,

"Foul!" She proclaims in her matronly voice.

"Creation of an undead character with the assistance of a sentient sillicate
(intelligent machine) violates the
Edicts of
Herbert and Hogan !"

The room spins, and suddenly we are all standing at the Stone of Farewell, surrounded by the assembled Lesser Ranks of the Seelee Court. Suddenly the area is crowded with all the other characters, looking bewildered.

" Bring forth the Abomination, that We may provide Censure and Rebuke!"

The doll shuffles forward sheepishly.

"Who has cast this Forbidden Spell?" Asks the Fairy Godmother in a voice that could be heard all the way from the Shire to Arrakis.

Before any can respond, there is a wrenching groaning twist, and suddenly there amongst the Assembly stand the Chosen Minions of the Unseelee, cloaked in shadows, and emitting a faint but powerful stench of old barn and attics left shut.

"Cry pardon Your Grace" calls out a creaky rusty voice that cuts through the mist like a scythe.

Before us stands George Carlin, clad in raven feathers and dark finery, and bearing light arms.

"We beg sufferage! Hear us this day!" Says Prince Carlin, who has long been suspected of allegiance to that Dark Company.

" We claim this Golem as an Aspect of the Dark Hand! We beg of Her Grace, release this Childe unto us that We may Savor it"

"For is it not written that all Works of Malice and Corruption are under the Aegis of the Queen of Ice and Fog?"
Asks Carlin formally.

Scared to death, and with good reason, i creep forward stealthily, (thank the Goddess my obsession acts like blinders on a horse) intent on my only desire, the cookie shall be mine!

Carefully grasping the Cookie and the hand of yeshuas daughter, we start slowly backing up eyes downcast, and quiet inside, like a possum near a catfood dish.

It looks like war is brewing and i for one know better than to stand amongst the powers,at such a time as that, Mother taught me that much at least.

Carefully and quietly we withdraw, just a few more steps. I see @Yeshuasdaughter looking with longing and trepidation at Martha who is of course flanked on either side by several well armed and very tall horned Njorden Faye, the Storm Riders, here, this day!

"Its hopeless" i plead in a whisper " cmon we have to go, Now"

I know that @Yeshuasdaughter will of course betray and abandon me, but i just cant leave her there. Besides one never knows, i might just need a hostage. Just thinking of the combination of Stewart and Carlin makes me heave, and who knows what that horrid doll may be capable of.

The air starts moving in a mighty wind, clouds roil across the heavens and sounds that one should never hear, beckon at the edge of awareness. By that point we are already running.

We reach the lampost, and yeshuas daughter says "this way!" We plunge through the evergreen boughs, that seem to be fur coats, and tumble out the wardrobe, thats been in my Family for generations

"Whew! That was close" i say breathlessly.

I caste my gaze at Forbidden Desire, her silky hair, her lovely neck,

i picture her in warpaint, dredlocks, battle leathers and riding a pony with a bow in her graceful hands but alas she only has eyes for

The cookie

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Well then her eyes must be asleep, because faster than you can say "Turkish Delight", I done snatched that cookie, and I'm on my way home!

 

[ForestGumpett]

While on your way home you get stopped by the police because you are running oddly due to wearing clown shoes. They asked how you could run so fast in clown shoes and where is it you are going? During the time it takes you to explain why you are running in clown shoes to the law enforcement, I road in on my two humped camel and grabbed the cookie from your back pocket and put it in my hat, the one with the yellow feather...

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Well, before you in your feathered hat can say "Macaroni", I charge in on a war horse, screaming in the wind like a violent apparition of Boudica herself.

Your camel rears and paces backward nervously. I whip my horse into a lathered fury and like lightning, I have the cookie, your hat is on backward, and I am nothing but a cloud of dust in the distance.

Hope there's a pool and sauna at that oasis up ahead.

 

[ForestGumpett]

That oasis is not real, and your horse is a figment of your imagination. I fix the backwards hat, tip it respectfully towards you and your imaginary horse, gave the imaginary horse an apple then took that cookie back and tossed it high in the air where a black crow grabbed the cookie and flew off into the sun, but the cookie started to melt...

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Awaiting you at the oasis is a lemonade stand, that serves cold drinks and also has a sign that says
Free Advice, Only 25 cents!

Curious, and thirsty from your most recent escapade, you amble over, after taking care of your horse.

While listening to the free advice, you start to feel sort of wierd. Like drifty, almost sleepy. You notice that the nice looking young lady seems to be wearing alot of makeup, as you admire a piece of crummy jewlry she(?) Is holding up, trying to interest you. The little crystal pendant swings back and forth, glittering in the light, back an forth. Such a pretty thing, back and forth.....

"Oh what a lovely cookie you have there" she purrs softly. " may i have a look at it please?" She asks softly

"Yes" comes out of your mouth surprising you. You see your own hand holding out the cookie, what gives?

You've been mesmerized! Its all a front! Thats no lemonade stand at all, its the tailgate of a beat to snot, never been washed pickem up truck!

Wait thats no schoolgirl selling trinkets, its your arch nemisis! Thats no lady at all its an old man in a dress! Just for a little payback i start to tell you pirate jokes as you sit there entranced

The last one you remember before i tear out of there like a politician going to a fundraiser

"And wot sort of socks do a pirate be wearing on a Sunday then....
Argyle"

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Eating your dust, I stand there at the empty roadside, watching the truck disappear over the horizon.

Luckily for me, a cesna pilot just landed at the oasis with a group of adventure seeking tourists. I tell them of my plight, and the pilot offers to give me a ride.

We take off, and quickly overtake your truck. We land right in front of the truck, blocking the whole highway. You sit there in shock as I jump out, walk over to the passenger door, open it, and take the cookie right off the seat.

I jump back in the plane, cookie in hand, and I'm soon cruising at 10,000 feet.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

As you reach cruising altitude, feeling all happy about the cookie, your pilot turns on the autopilot, and turns around to face you....

How could you have missed it? The pilot is a bloodthirsty pagan savage grrl, with dreadloks, wearing wode (so blue) on half her face and has a facial tattoo on her chin that spells out "fiawol" in runic script!

" your plans have been.... updated" she says with sinister grin.

Oh no! You are trapped at 10 000 feet with one of my dear friends!

" mwa ha ha ha haa!" She cackles with glee.

Your pilot takes you down for a landing on table rock, where of course i am waiting with an extra horse, all saddled up and ready to go.

On leaving the aircraft, gertrude freyasdottir takes the cookie from your stunned hands, and hops out into my waiting arms....

As my secretary and i( its a long story) ride off into the sunset,with the cookie, singing old songs, you are heard to mutter " pagan warrior princess, really?"

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

"Q! Q! Where are you?? Q???"

Just then an old man with shifty eyes, wearing a MAGA hat, sneaks in from behind a rock, and whispers, "Let me tell you what really happened on January sixth...."

"I don't have the time right now. Maybe later. Besides, wrong Q."

"Donald Trump is the one true president. He will return when you least expect...."

Once again I interject. "Look, I know you're trying to be helpful and all, but I'm looking for another Q."

He slinks away and disappears into some shrubbery.

Annoyed, I shout, "Q!!! I need you right now, you intergalactic menace!"

Suddenly blinded by a flash of light, I hear, "Bonjour Mon Capitan!" I see him, in his mock Starfleet uniform, "Why, you're not Jean Luc. How can I be of service to a lovely lady like you?"

"I need you to do me a favor." I state, flatly.

"Anything for a beautiful bipedal primate such as yourself."

"I don't have time for that, Q. Besides, I saw you hitting on Janeway."

Q blushes, "Oh please, call me Q."

"I have been", I retort. "Anyway, can you please get me that cookie? I'd be forever grateful, and I'd put in a good word with the Q Continuum on your behalf."

Bowing like an Edwardian butler, Q flashes out of sight. I am suddenly alone, except for the other Q, sneaking around the bushes, whispering something about Epstein not killing himself. I sigh. I've heard it already, and all I want is my cookie back.

The sky grows dim, and suddenly Q appears, holding Gertrude Freyasdottir in his arms. "Oh here is your cookie, my sweet." It suddenly pops into my hand. He continues, "Gertie has volunteered to join the Q Continuum with me and has changed her name. You will now address her as 'Q'."

He flashes me a quick, thankful smile, and in a snap of his fingers, I am back home, in my kitchen. I put the cookie in a little Tupperware container, up in the cabinet, and head to bed.