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Featured Friendships die out

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Fluttershy, Apr 4, 2017.

  1. Fluttershy

    Fluttershy Well-Known Member

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    I guess this is more of a vent, but I'm getting exhausted putting my emotional energy and attachment into people. I try really hard to be a good friend, although I know I can't always express myself well. I just feel like there's always a point in my friendships where my friends fade out, start avoiding me, act like I won't notice, hang out without me, etc. I don't feel like there's anything I can do, because I don't want people to only be my friend out of pity. Has anyone managed to maintain friends or will I just always be annoying and not fun to be around? I thought after high school I'd stop feeling like this.
     
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  2. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have managed to, but I think that the people who are friends (and there are not many left) have somewhat aspie traits. They think of friendship in a different way, few of us are in contact as much as we used to be, but if I needed them, they would be here tomorrow. And when we got together, it would be as if we hadn't lived completely different lives in other places for years. We got along before, and liked one another, and that wouldn't have changed. Know that when my friend comes to visit next month, we'll stay up all night talking about many things.

    Somehow not being fun and being annoying is not something that's very good to think about, especially if someone told you this, it doesn't necessarily have to be true. Maybe you are fun and interesting at times, just not as often as other people appear to be. Or maybe people who are similar in their way of thinking to you, would find you interesting to be around. No one ever said that to me, and I think I can be kind of boring at times, but so are a lot of people. I'm also not someone who thinks they have to entertain people so they'll like me. So I guess, even though friends can be a lot of work at times, if they stay around, they are worth all the time and effort.
     
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  3. Lady Penelope

    Lady Penelope Well-Known Member

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    I find it hard once I have 'attached' to a new friend, to regulate the intensity.
    If I'm too intense, when they don't reciprocate it hurts and I feel like I'm not good enough. If I don't put in the intense effort, I then feel like I'm not giving them a fair shot and think there is something wrong with me for doubting their ability to be a friend. Either way, it feels like I'm the problem -never them - when it is likely it's 50/50 as you can't please everyone and we can't like everyone. Intellectually I understand it all, but emotionally it's a nightmare.
    My life feels like it's happening to someone else and I'm just watching, often screaming at the players from the comfort of my internal armchair...
     
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  4. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

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    I'm the same way as you and always have been. I also feel I don't fit in workplaces either and I'm 32 now. Sounds like it's not your fault that people don't want to stay in your life. I also recently learned if people don't need anything from you, they are less inclined to interact with you. Like, with my artwork, all that really counts is my talent and they can use me for that. I believe if I didn't have my art to show my value, I would struggle to feel accepted in life among NTs. Successful people generally have something others want and can quietly use me acting like I don't notice, but I do. It's the same with most people. I think great, finally someone accepts me, etc., but before long, they just don't want to be around me and stop speaking.
     
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  5. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    GOOD GRACIOUS this is somehting I deal with a lot. The best thing I do is what NTs do and that is try to master the way they have touch and go lives. When I am public I try not to talk but if I have to, I have to try to master the way they do one liners and make no sense and never tlak about anything but the weather and sports.

    It's so shallow, but then people will like you. One day, ONE DAY, perhaps a really good and deep person will meet you an d see you are like htem. Aristotle says we are lukcy to have two friends in our whole life. Keep that in mind. The others are just touch and go. It hurts us a lot but does not hurt them .
     
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  6. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Forty some-odd years of adulthood have taught me that adult friendships are almost always fleeting. Sometimes for reasons between the two or more persons involved, and most often for reasons beyond their control. Work, relocation, marriage, etc.. Just too many things that come between people that kill friendships. All compounded by an ever increasingly transient society. Leaving me with a handful of what ultimately I'd call "fair weather friends".

    Which makes me ponder had I lived 200 years ago would I have a bunch of friends I could count on?

    Probably not. More likely I'd just be "Jeremiah Johnson" without the quotation marks. :rolleyes:

    But I might do well with the bears and wolves. Hard to say. ;)

     
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  7. Katleya

    Katleya Sarcasm Lover V.I.P Member

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    I think I've kind of come to accept that most of the friendships I form outside will have an expiration date. Sometimes because of me, sometimes because of the friend. I tend to do what I call "fall in friendship", like others fall in love. You know, you meet someone, you really want to be their friend, and you become very attached to that friend, but in a totally non-romantic way. And then it just fades, either because of life events that pull us apart, or because I lose interest in them, sometimes because I no longer find them intellectually stimulating enough, or if they make a remark that shows unfairness or strong prejudice.
    Now, I also have friends slowly walk away without me knowing why. Often due to the same life events (people get married, have a kid, and no time for you; fair enough), in which case I can't blame them and I don't think it's because of something I did or because I'm not worthy enough. But there are people I do miss. And other times, they walk away because they realize I'm not what they wanted in a friend, in which case I can't say I care very much, because if what they needed was a friend they could shape to their desire and satisfy their narcissistic tendencies, then I was not the right person for them anyway. I don't have that product for them, and they should feel free to check with another vendor, kind of.
    It's all OK, though. I just savor the good times I have with current friends, accept that there are things they probably won't experience like I do, and try to move on if it comes to an end. I do have one friend I've known nearly my entire life, and while we're not as close as we used to, I know when we do catch up every 2 years, the love is still there.
    Most people (erm, NTs) seem to view friendship in a different way than I do, and I can respect that.

    Oh, I also recently found out some people considered me a friend, and I still haven't got a clue what I did to deserve that appreciation.
     
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  8. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    I think that what you say, is true whether you are Aspie or NT (me).... sometimes its your fault (or perceived fault) or sometimes its not... life, family, work, interests, partners... all have a pull on your time at different times of your life.... Sometimes people are struggeling with their own stuff and don't want to burden 'friends'.... there are many reasons friends come and go.... do you ever get back in touch with the ones you really connected with just to say 'hi'....? I've done that very recently, and was quite surprised by the response.... (in a nice way!!) No one says that friends are meant to be in your life all the way through.... you change and they do to... so maybe the time that they were your friend was just that, 'their time' with you....
    But then what do I know....? this time last year I had a full social life, and lots of people that I would have called 'friends'.... But after a bitter split with my husband, many turned their back on me...
    Was it painful...? More than I thought possible.... Have I only one or two people who have stood by me....? Yes so... pick yourself up... you are worth more than they know..... so more fool them for letting the opportunity of being your friend pass them by.....
     
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  9. LittleLemon

    LittleLemon Well-Known Member

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    Since I've moved my whole life, I've never maintained a friendship for longer than a couple years, and now that we've settled down, I'm in new territory. I don't know how to maintain a long term friendshup. I find it exhausting and I think my new friends I've made in book club are getting a little puzzled by my behavior. I've recently let them know I'm an Aspie, so it doesn't look like I'm not interested because I see them maybe once a month. I guess for some people, once a month is not really a friend, but it is for me. I get burned out if I see too many people. I don't know. Sometimes I just want to give up.
     
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  10. garnetflower13

    garnetflower13 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have this happen a lot, even with pen friends. I am now more likely to expect it to end, rather than dread it. I will see the friendship (or pen pal) go through all the phases of new and exciting friend, to a slow dying down of communications, to either myself or the other person crossing a line or not respecting a boundary, then poof! No more friendship. I used to cry and get upset, but now I simply nod in recognition of another passing interaction and move on. I am even learning not to have hard feelings, especially if it is another Aspie because after all, we have our struggles. I truly wonder how people manage to stay friends for years and years...:confused::rolleyes:
     
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  11. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    It is indeed practically an alien concept to me. No matter how hard I try to understand it. And yet I'd still like to have a real and good friend. This life of so many contradictions....makes my head spin at times. o_O
     
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  12. garnetflower13

    garnetflower13 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Same here, Judge. Same here.
     
  13. Atreyu

    Atreyu Well-Known Member

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    Most of my friendships are fleeting but to be honest I don't generally give people a proper chance to connect with me anymore. I'm always the one who winds up hurt in the end, so I don't see the point anymore.
     
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  14. Fluttershy

    Fluttershy Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the input everyone. I'm glad it's not just me. I guess it just affects me really deeply because of my attachment issues. I rarely get sick of people unless they've offended me.

    This situation's been particularly gnawing into me because it's hard to avoid. My roommate, who is also my coworker, used to always go out with me and another coworker. And now the two of them have been attached at the hip and hanging out without me constantly, and it's really hard not to feel bitter. I've gotten mixed reviews whether or not to approach the situation or back off. I don't want friendship out of pity but I also don't want to create a hostile roommate environment.
     
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  15. Katleya

    Katleya Sarcasm Lover V.I.P Member

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    Have you considered approaching it by presenting just your feelings, without talking about the other coworker? Like a simple "I miss going out with you as much as we used to", and see where that leads. Maybe avoid "You're always going out with our other coworker", though, as that would seem more accusing (it shouldn't, because it's just a fact, but the "you" phrases open the gate for more opposition than saying how Fluttershy feels).
     
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  16. garnetflower13

    garnetflower13 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I had a similar situation develop in the workplace once. The supervisor in the office took a shine to me (Or so I believed) and she was always smiling and kidding with me. Since I was new, this really warmed me through and through, because I had feared her taking a dislike. She even asked myself and another coworker out for drinks after work a few times. So another girl joined us a few months down the road, and they seemed to bond very quickly. Still, I was included in after work things but little by little they started to exclude me. Even worse, they turned against me and tried to get me fired. :(

    What was interesting, was to watch her use all the same whiles on the new girl that she had used on me. I asked to be transferred because it got really awkward around there afterward. But I can relate to the OP not wanting to create awkwardness with her roommate!
     
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  17. The Penguin

    The Penguin Chilly Willy The Penguin

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    It can be hard to find a good friend. The current good friend I have now the friendship almost feel apart. We was able to resolve things. I did test the person to see does the friendship means anything to them or not. I gave the person a break to work it out. They finally decided they did wanted a true friendship. It did took many months to get the friendship back on track. I never give up on people as long they treat me right and be honest with me.

    Something to note, me and this person was not expecting a friendship at the start. We both had trust issues and many friendships with others that didn't work out. This person thought I would be like others giving up on them but I didn't. Once they realized I'm not like others, they finally let their fears go away.

    Another thing I can relate to the person, we both can accept a life living as a hermit and we both can find many things to enjoy by ourselfs. Though I do understand being a hermit is not for everyone.

    Anyhow, just like dating, there also risks for friendships of things working and not working out. If your going through a hard period take a little break until your ready to search for friendship. You might get lead to more disappointment connecting with people but if you keep working at it, you might find a really good friend like I did a few years ago.
     
  18. Tyrantus1212

    Tyrantus1212 An odd dinosaur. Yet a dinosaur.

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    This thread is 2 months old but time is such a lame concept. Content is what's important here.

    I had trouble making friends my entire life. I only had one childhood friend, but he too had poor social skills so the two of us were compatible. We lost touch after he moved. I tried making friends with a couple of other boys but all they did was take advantage of me.

    When I was a preteen I had acquaintances in school but not friends. Never hung out with anyone outside of school, was a lone wolf. When I went to high school I didn't hang out with anyone outside of the school either, but there was one guy I hung out with during freshman lunch. Otherwise I was a lone wolf. I like calling him a friend because we enjoyed each other's company. We also went to college together and hung out there for only a little bit, but we did lose touch later though.

    After that, in college I had no one for the most part. There was this one guy who was very nice to me, he was just really nice in general - but he died in a motorcycle crash, so I only got to know him for 4 months. He did love riding motorcycles. I hate motorcycles precisely because of this, but was never fond of them in the first place. I would never ever ride one. He did have friend potential, that's for sure, so this is just pure bad luck. It made me feel like I wasn't meant to have any friends. Like I was destined to be alone, and when someone does surface they either die or move away or something. I also blame myself for losing touch with that high school guy.

    So overall...only 3 friends over a lifetime of 20 years. I was 20 years old when the college guy died. I'm almost 30 now.

    What I described above was my shy phase. Later on it all turned 180 degrees and that's how it went even more downhill. I tried to make friends with almost every single one of my classmates, and behaved in such a way that I ended up more alone than ever. I tried way waaaaaaay too hard, and ended up being pushy, loud, obnoxious, stubborn, amongst many other things. This brought on more than just blame; it brought on self-hatred. I was more alone than ever. Just no luck with friends, I simply lost all hope.

    After the college mishap I decided to become a lone wolf again. I purposefully lost touch with all the classmates I've wronged and concentrated on my job, and my job only; I started working a month after graduation and for several months was the only employee - so more alone time. For 3 more years I was friendless. The only people I hung out with were Mom and Dad. I do have an NT boss and NT colleagues and I somehow improved in my social skills ever so slightly by being around them and observing their "magical qualities".

    In 2015 I ended up making my first real friend after losing that guy in college. He just started out as a new coworker but then...we just clicked. He thought I was cool from the very start. He was the happiest person I've ever met, never worries about anything, never gets mad or even a wee bit frustrated with anyone. I can only make friends with people who are really nice and do not get mad easily, and that's an extremely tiny subset of the human race. He also thinks I'm funny. Can't believe this happened, now this is what I call good luck, great luck.

    Later on I made friends with someone else. She's been working at a restaurant not far from my work and she's extremely kindhearted, just like the first guy, and we have a lot in common. I later introduced the two of them - and a few months later I met her husband, also nice chilled and carefree - and became friends with him too. I also introduced the guy from work to the husband. So now I have 3 friends, and I'm extremely clingy to them. So over a lifetime of almost 30 years I have only made 6 friends.

    Why am I clingy to them? It's a miracle I even made friends in the first place - not to mention 3 friends in less than 2 years, and not to mention the fact that they're neurotypical!! Now I constantly worry about screwing up as I always do. I pushed so many people away without meaning to, and it traumatized me. I can't let history repeat itself. I can't lose them. Now a bigger trauma resulted from the death of that guy in college, so I worry about that too. I worry about everything, I have severe anxiety issues. Whenever I see any of them offline on Facebook for too long I worry. I end up calling and texting to make sure they're allright. Even when they are, I'm very needy and clingy. I constantly ask for reassurances, and if I know that they're allright and don't see a response for some reason I ask if they're mad at me; I've been asking those questions far too many times. I also act very immature with them, because I'm a child inside a man's body. They play along, and I very much appreciate that. They also easily forgive me if I say something insensitive (without meaning to, I don't EVER mean to).

    Despite everything I do, I still haven't pushed these people away. Does this mean that these people are true friends? Did I just happen to find them all right around the corner? Am I actually destined not to be alone for the rest of my life after all?

    P.S. the guy from high school lives in another country now and we got back in touch via Facebook. We text now; I also text this one guy from college that was a part of the minority of students who thought I was actually cool. I'm also in the process of making some more potential friends with the help of Meetup. Being appreciated means a lot to me and I believe that it's what actually keeps me out of clinical depression.
     
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  19. Danny 74

    Danny 74 Well-Known Member

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    Im sure ive said before on here, ive so many friends but i choose to avoid most of them...! I honestly do prefer my own company....! I treat avoiding them as a game, im getting very good at it...! Some people are lonely without friends where as im lonely amongst them...! But everyone's different....!
     
  20. Aidan49

    Aidan49 Well-Known Member

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    I've only ever had really one close friend. All the rest have been people that I've known through my life. But to be honest I would never have cared if I didn't see them again.