Friend Keeps Trying to Push Feelings that Aren't There

[dragonfire42]

I've been long-distance friends with someone for some time now. I've mentioned several times that I'm a nonromantic asexual, but sometimes he tries to push our relationship more toward a romantic one. Recently we had a discussion that I thought had reached the conclusion that we're good friends but nothing more, but then a couple days later I finally accepted the friend request he'd sent me on Facebook a while ago (I'm not on Facebook very much but happened to be going through my email and clicked on a Facebook link and while I was there, I saw that friend request and accepted it), and he took the timing of that to indicate that I do have more than just friendly feelings for him.

Even after I'd explained what happened, he insisted that he just "knows" I have some sort of feelings that I don't want to admit for some reason. The thing is, I don't, and I'm really getting tired of this. This person is my best friend, my only real friend, and I really don't want to lose this friendship, but I'm starting to get really frustrated by this, and I don't know how to tell him without sounding too harsh, or like I'm protesting too much and that must be another sign that I'm hiding my true feelings.

I love him as a friend, but I've never experienced the feeling of romantic love, ever, toward anyone. How can I help him understand this?

 

[Wolfnox]

How much attention do you show him now?

 

[Bolletje]

I would repeat just what you’ve told us here.
I’ve been in this place of having feelings for someone that didn’t have feelings for me rather often. The longer they didn’t mention the platonic nature of their feelings for me, the more I deluded myself into believing there was some romance being there.
Be firm, but kind.

 

[Thinx]

Sounds like he is hopeful and not very easy to convince. You probably do have to be patient and clear. I suppose he's thinking the way many people would, so it's hard for him to get what you are saying, plus he wishes it wasn't true. Could be hard to convince him. But best to try, I think.

 

[Tom]

Happens all the time and it is hard for people to let go sometimes. But remember it is most probably a matter of like and not real love. If it is annoying you, something to consider is telling him his advances need to stop or you will have to take a indefinite break from the contact. Ball is then in his court to accept or move on.

 

[dragonfire42]

How much attention do you show him now?

We usually have at least a short text discussion most days, and we have the occasional video chat.

 

[Wolfnox]

Maybe stop doing it for two weeks. Then see what happens with him. It will give you some peace and quiet. While giving him time to think on what you said. Or at least thats my advice.

 

[Fino]

I'd ignore the problem entirely. *is possibly doing that myself, now*

 

[Aspychata]

Guess you could examine your feelings more and understand where you are coming from so that you can address this friend honestly. Some relationships started as friends and did progress into romance. So it's not black and white. Maybe let the person know you don't like being pressured and you can't commit to anything. Then you have stayed honest with yourself and them. And your statement that you have never experienced romantic feelings , doesn't mean you can't try. Romantic feelings are simple. Do you feel respected, and cared for; do you feel happy and a little excited when you see them? Do you think about them? Friends are great, but we usually don't think about friends everyday. It's already romantic if you can't disconnect from thinking about them. Hope this eases your stress.

 

[Aspychata]

You said you have never experienced romantic feelings. Do you feel cared for and respected by this person? Are you happy and excited to see them? Do you think about them during the day? These are romantic feelings.

 

[Catana]

Anyone who insists they know you have feelings that you don't have, especially when it's about him (or her), is not your friend. His attitude is entirely about what he wants from you and is determined to get, and not about you at all. Walk away. Unfriend, go silent, ignore.

 

[the_tortoise]

You said you have never experienced romantic feelings. Do you feel cared for and respected by this person? Are you happy and excited to see them? Do you think about them during the day? These are romantic feelings.

No, these are feelings that can happen in both romantic and platonic relationships.

Feeling respected and cared for, happy or excited to see someone, and thinking about them sometimes when they are not there, these are all part of any healthy relationship where some degree of closeness or emotional attachment develops - they are not unique to romance.

 

[Rebecca Merriam]

If your friend doesn't listen and insists you have feelings when you said otherwise, isnt a friend, and is gonna just continue to be frustrating, im really sorry,

 

[dragonfire42]

Thank you for the replies everyone, you all have given me a lot to think about.

 

[Aspychata]

No, these are feelings that can happen in both romantic and platonic relationships.

Feeling respected and cared for, happy or excited to see someone, and thinking about them sometimes when they are not there, these are all part of any healthy relationship where some degree of closeness or emotional attachment develops - they are not unique to romance.

Sorry,why l totally agree with you on everything, l dont think about friends during the day. But l think romantically about someone and have fantasized about them, l dont do this with "friends."

 

[Shenandoah]

Sorry to say but as far as I have seen friendships don't survive this sort of thing. If I were you I'd try to move on without letting it fester.

 

[Raphael Outcast]

Well I glanced at your Profile before posting this, and unless my eyes deceived me you were apparently in your 20s, and so I'll make the leap that this male friend could be your kind of age or not much older than you. I don't think I am (nor ever was) a creepy or dangerous man but, until I was at least 30 years of age, my hormones would sometimes affect my logic so that I could rationally, coherently convince myself there was some realistic chance of some kind of a romantic or sexual relationship between myself and a female friend. In a few cases this wrecked the friendship, and I look back at my own sexually frustrated stupidity and weep. More often, either reality would reassert itself or I'd be distracted by a crush on someone else, which would allow reality to come flooding back, or else my sex drive (which has always been kind of tidal) would diminish again and I'd decide I didn't even find her physically attractive anyway. So I did manage to remain friends with some females that I developed temporary crushes on. It isn't automatically insuperable, but you will need some luck on your side perhaps, and if necessary to protect yourself from nuisance you may need to risk hurting or offending him.

Is there some amicable way you could laugh at him and turn it into a running joke, and tell him he just needs to find himself some other woman he can let off steam with and stop pestering you for something he's never ever going to get from you? I don't mean that to sound callous or insensitive or distasteful, and am sorry if it comes across that way.

Men make a lot of sweeping generalizations about women being irrational, but men can sometimes (maybe all the time...) be pretty irrational in their own way too! It certainly isn't rational for a man to claim that a friend who's made it clear she never feels those kinds of feelings actually is or "must be" feeling them, all of a sudden: wishful thinking maybe, but realistic thinking no.

What are the chances of him running into some other lady who would take this heat off you, within the foreseeable future?

Ultimately perhaps if he is a true friend he would, by definition, have to recognize that he was causing you annoyance and distress by pursuing his importunate proposals. But hormones can make a young man blind: I know, because I used to be one (a young man, that is, not a hormone).

Good luck with this tricky situation. There is hope, but it isn't guaranteed to end well.

 

[dragonfire42]

Thank you for the replies, everyone. We've had another discussion and agreed to keep the friendship going, but contact each other less frequently. So far it seems to be working out all right (fingers crossed), but I will consider the advice you all have given if it becomes an issue again.