I just wanted to add to my earlier comment about getting therapy for your self-image. I’ve been struggling with depression since my early teens, because I felt like I was always awkward, weird, standing out, bumping into things, saying the wrong things, and so on. I blamed myself for standing out, because other people were fitting in, so obviously I was doing something wrong. I was almost 30 when I found out that I was on the spectrum. And while that explained why I had all that trouble in my life, it didn’t make the self-hatred go away. Because when you spend years hating yourself, that hatred becomes very much ingrained in your thoughts. You can’t let go of it that easily.The person I viewed myself as was a loser who can't do anything right. I figured that if I am autistic, then that explains why I have some of the issues I do now and it'll maybe prove to me that I'm not the mistake I think I am.
Which is why I think therapy, if you can afford it, would be a really wise call Best of luck!