Hello Amelia,
I am writing because what you have posted has brought back some deep feelings. I was once in the same place that you are. I saw no reason to continue going nowhere and I just wanted the pain and unhappiness to be over. I thought long and hard about ending my life as a means of finding relief. So many things went through my head, but none of them seemed worth staying for. I would lie in bed all day, unable to get up against the crushing weight of the world, which rested on my chest.
One day something happened that caused me to see something little that I had not seen before. As tiny as it was, it started me to thinking. this one little thing kept eating at me. Despite my suffering and all of the justification I had for ending it all, it would not go away. I finally decided to face it, to make it go away so that I could get on with my misery. When I stopped and turned to face it, I saw things I had not noticed before. I got to wondering what else I was missing. On thing turned into two, and then into three. I suddenly realized that it was not a horrible life that I was living, but a horrible experience. Happiness, love, fun and peace were all still out there but I was not able to find them at that point.
Do you remember when you were in school and you had your first heartbreak? Life was not worth living, and nothing would make the pain go away. Where is that person now, and what are your feelings for them? What I am trying to say is that we go through different phases in our lives. If you find a way through this one, I know you will be glad. If it were not for struggle, there would be no reward. Someday you will make a difference for somebody, you will change their world.
I look back to where I was and I am grateful beyond words that I got turned around. I have suffered many more times like I have described, but I know now that it will pass and that good times will follow.
STAY, Please. Find a way, pack a bag and hitchhike to the coast and live on the beach. Tell everyone you are Jane Andrews, or Kelly Price, who cares. Find a way to move, and you will change your view.