Feeling suicidal

[Bookmaker]

You are uniquely created and loved by God. Please don't take your life. You are not alone!

 

[Amelia]

Thanks

 

[I am that which I am]

Hello Amelia,

I am writing to let you know that I can relate a lot to what you said and are going through. I did sometimes set dates ahead of time as well. The last time I did that I met my ex-beloved. Ironically I thought at first that this is what I wanted and it was great until things became really bad and I went through even more s*** because of that individual. Often there is little people can do to convince you otherwise. For me sometimes it comes and passes but it may take weeks or months to pass. But it passes eventually. I do not know exactly how it is for you and I realize that it would be hard for me to understand completely because I am not in your shoes and have not experienced the same things as you have. But it may be similar. I used to hold on to lyrics from two songs (It is not sound and Gnosis by Ulver) I combined together. When feeling depressed and suicidal it was "For the record no one will understand; rather than speak in hidden words with multiple meanings I prefer to remain silent." In other words what was the point of going on or saying anything when nothing will matter and no one will ever understand. When I was a bit better I changed it to "For the record no one will understand; instead of hidding in silence I prefer to speak and be misunderstood." One thing never changed and it is that people will always have a hard time understanding things from someone else's perspective. But I will try and be grateful that they understood the top of the iceberg or maybe even just a snow flake, knowing they will never understand the whole. What is a drop of water in an ocean? What is an ocean by a multitude of drops? NT especially understanding an aspie and vice versa can be difficult. Even aspies have a hard time understanding each other and do certain faux-pas. I used to always feel apart when I was young. I honestly thought I was adopted because I was completely different from the rest of my family and did not see myself as being human. Eventually when I realized I was different from everyone else as well (mostly at school) I thought I must be an alien of some sort and called myself that. From my experience aspies can be very different from NTs and still no two are the same. Still we can all relate to that feeling of being alone, misunderstood, and that one cannot fit in anywhere. Personally I have been better since I found this site, although I have been too busy to be around very much as of late. While we are still quite different and unique we all understand what it is like to be different and an aspie. So it is supportive and uplifting in it's own way. Perhaps you will find that this is one of the good things that will happen until next Thursday. People do care, evidently from the comments, but people will show it in their own way. Nevertheless, you should notice that it took effort from your part to join and post on here. It does not need to be a fight or struggle, but you can do little things to help yourself and feel better. Unfortunately like others have said these feelings never quite go away, but there are ways to keep the "negative" feelings at bay or learn to control them better. Albeit cheesy "Be the Change you wish to see in the World." To me anyways it means that I am the master of my own destiny, how I interact with the world, and how they interact with me. I am terrible at interacting with it, but I still try in a very hard headed fashion to obtain the desired results. It is exhausting sometimes I do need breaks, or someone to talk to/vent to, or just time alone. I have to learn how to balance the two better.

I have found a few good books to deal with these things
How I stayed alivewhen my brain was trying to kill me, by Susan Blauner; How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me: Susan R Blauner: 9780060936211: Books - Amazon.ca
Depressed and Anxious: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook for Overcoming Depression and Anxiety by Thomas Marra; Depressed and Anxious: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook for Overcoming Depression and Anxiety: Thomas Marra: 9781572243637: Books - Amazon.ca
and Aspergirls by Rudy Simone; Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome: Rudy Simone, Liane Holliday Willey: 9781849058261: Books - Amazon.ca
is also quite well recommended here and was recommended to me by someone here. I know you may feel I wasted some bits of data, but I like to read workbooks (rather than taking a few years with a therapist) so that is my attempt at helping.

I also dislike the way some people treat me and often get hooked up on some conversation, or situation or another. I sometimes replay social situations over in my head to try to make heads or tail of them and figure out what could have been done better and then try that. Sometimes we can distance ourselves from cases that just do not make any sense. Other times we can try to understand what they want, our aspie manner may actually be better than the NT fashion for trying to resolve issues (I am thinking of conflict resolution between Sheldon and Amy here lol). I also dislike the people that think they know and understand but rarely do. Those that are not so confident in their own knowledge tend to be more open to things that will challenge it and make an effort to be more understanding. To get the most out of anything in life one often has to make an effort, but to be able to do that one cannot be too confident or arrogant; otherwise they do not bother to try. I prefer to just hate humans and am a misanthropist for it. But there are some people I do not hate as much and even like. I try to stay closer to these people. Finding them is the hard part.