Feeling suicidal

[Amelia]

I am waiting til next Thursday to see if anything changes and if not I am going to give up, it's not that I don't want to live.... I just don't want to live like this, I'm so unhappy I spend most days crying because I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm going to miss some people, and I am going to regret that I couldn't help people but I know it's best for everyone. Life can be so beautiful it's just a shame that's been ruined for me. I don't want help, I just want to say that I feel if people were more aware of autism and how to treat people with autism then maybe I wouldn't feel this way I hope people start to become more aware of this condition. Living with it is a nightmare I can't wake up from, I wish there were more people that understood and could make live more worth while for someone with autism by at least trying to understand. Thank you for reading

 

[The Penguin]

It would be sad to lose a person like you. You are a very good friend of mine. I know we only spoke for a few days, but you a really good person. I sure there may be other friends you have on here cares about you too.

 

[nowwhat]

I've been there, and will be there again. Life can suck at times, but you're not alone here. We really get it. Please share with someone here enough to weather this storm. My door is always open, as is that of virtually anyone here.

Trust me, you have your place in this world, and lots to offer. Don't deny everyone your contributions. Don't trust your narrow, short view with this sort of decision.

 

[Ereth]

Please go here and talk to someone:

Lifeline

 

[Sass]

I'm really sorry I upset you in the other thread, I promise that was the last thing i was aiming for.

I just saw this post, and I can relate. Sometimes it feels as if no-one really gets it, at least not in a way that really makes us feel safe, understood, or able to be ourselves, and it often feels like a one-way street with no exit apart from drastic measures. I'm so sorry if what I commented on the other post made you feel that way. That's my failing - when I have an idea I can sometimes, well-intentioned as I am, upset people by not sharing it at the best time, and for that I'm really sorry. I guess that's why I try not to separate myself from the rest of world, even if in truth I really am so different to everyone else that I feel like a lighthouse sometimes - a lonely light in the dark. I am a light though, and so are you. Light is a good thing. You have a lot to offer, because you ask questions and challenge people (like you challenged me!). That tells me you have fight in you, and that's good, and something I admire and hope to cultivate in myself

Ereth's advice is also grand - talk to someone who is going to listen, and wants to listen. Lifeline will do that, not only is it their job, but it's something they feel strongly about and do because they care.

 

[Amelia]

I live in the uk so can't call that number, and also I know this sounds stupid but I actually don't have any fight left in me, I am just being defensive til next Tuesday because I deserve to be happy for the time I have left. All I wanted to do was get help or help or help others, now I just want to try and help others if I can't do that I give up!

 

[Amelia]

Thursday* stupid predictive text

 

[Peace]

Hello Amelia,
I am writing because what you have posted has brought back some deep feelings. I was once in the same place that you are. I saw no reason to continue going nowhere and I just wanted the pain and unhappiness to be over. I thought long and hard about ending my life as a means of finding relief. So many things went through my head, but none of them seemed worth staying for. I would lie in bed all day, unable to get up against the crushing weight of the world, which rested on my chest.
One day something happened that caused me to see something little that I had not seen before. As tiny as it was, it started me to thinking. this one little thing kept eating at me. Despite my suffering and all of the justification I had for ending it all, it would not go away. I finally decided to face it, to make it go away so that I could get on with my misery. When I stopped and turned to face it, I saw things I had not noticed before. I got to wondering what else I was missing. On thing turned into two, and then into three. I suddenly realized that it was not a horrible life that I was living, but a horrible experience. Happiness, love, fun and peace were all still out there but I was not able to find them at that point.
Do you remember when you were in school and you had your first heartbreak? Life was not worth living, and nothing would make the pain go away. Where is that person now, and what are your feelings for them? What I am trying to say is that we go through different phases in our lives. If you find a way through this one, I know you will be glad. If it were not for struggle, there would be no reward. Someday you will make a difference for somebody, you will change their world.
I look back to where I was and I am grateful beyond words that I got turned around. I have suffered many more times like I have described, but I know now that it will pass and that good times will follow.
STAY, Please. Find a way, pack a bag and hitchhike to the coast and live on the beach. Tell everyone you are Jane Andrews, or Kelly Price, who cares. Find a way to move, and you will change your view.

 

[Amelia]

No nothing's changed after Thursday if it's still bad, then I'm done I can't do this anymore it feels like too much effort for nothing

 

[Ereth]

I apologize, Amelia---I didn't realize you were in the UK. Try one or more of the resources here instead:

Suicide - Getting help - NHS Choices

 

[Judge]

Amelia, I'm in the place you're at- a lot. At times I have no idea how I have managed to stay on the planet, but I have. I suppose much of it has to do with hope. Hope that on the horizon something will happen to improve my life.

In the process I also learned to live only a day at a time...so quite often I'm not looking beyond one horizon. To do so more often than not can overwhelm me in a negative way. And I've learned to set realistic, attainable goals for myself instead of always "reaching for the stars". I try not to look at life in terms of absolutes as best I can. It's made a difference. Maybe one that keeps me from departing this life.

You may find out that YOU are your own "solution" by changing your immediate environment in some realistic (and incremental) way to reduce the pain.

 

[Amelia]

When I hope and hope and there is still nothing I look at everything and wonder what the f u k am I actually waiting for lol.... Some people don't have something good come along face it some people are born have a horrid life then die.... People may respect me if I stay and fight for others but I've done all I can do in that area so nothing much else to waste my time trying with.

 

[Judge]

People may respect me if I stay and fight for others but I've done all I can do in that area so nothing much else to waste my time trying with.

That's when you find another "area" to work on. Pick your battles accordingly. And keep them realistic as to your expectations versus the outcome.

Try hard not to "bite off more than you can chew". Sometimes I wonder if this is also not another Aspie trait...one that can easily overwhelm us.

 

[Ereth]

Try to stop worrying so much about whether people respect you. (I know from experience that it's extremely difficult, but I believe you can do it.) Respect yourself. Fight for yourself. Work on doing something positive each day, even if it's as seemingly insignificant as walking the dog or planting new flowers in the garden. And at the end of every day, treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

 

[Amelia]

I don't care what people think am making the point that your words don't mean anything because they are not relevant to how my life has been and so do not mean anything to me you can't talk me out of feeling this way. I've made my choice and unless something good happens because of all the effort I've made then I am done trying why does no one ever understand what I say or write, maybe my writing has different context to yours so make sure u understand what I'm saying or your comments will be a waste

 

[wyverary]

Amelia, hun, I've been there. Many, many times; many, many hospitalizations. I didn't feel I was understood, I believed those around me didn't care, I believed the world was s*** and there was no place in it for me. Those feeling sometimes come back; they never truly leave. And those experiences tell me that there is nothing I can say that will prove truly helpful. All I can say is: Thursday isn't here yet. Thursday will come when it comes, and there's nothing you can do to speed up or slow down the time in between. I've often said, one of the reasons severe depression can be such a b*tch is because it forces you to focus on the future when you should be focusing on the present, and focusing on the present when you should be focusing on the future. It's hard to overcome that innate sense that what others think of you matters so much, and sure as s*** isn't going to happen overnight.

I can only hope that you've seen on this forum there are people who DO care, who are perfectly aware of what it means to be autistic, all the baggage that comes with it, and are here to offer support and lend an ear to anyone who needs it. Folks out in the real world who don't "get it'? They're all over the damn place. F*** 'em.

My only hope is for you to have the courage to be perfectly honest and tell this person how seriously you are contemplating suicide.

 

[Judge]

In discovering my own autism there's a fundamental truth I discovered. That when it comes to autism, there exists three groups of people and how they relate to it all:

1. Those who want to understand and can.
2. Those who try and can't.
3. Those who have no interest at all.

That in the final analysis, I don't expect NTs to understand me any more than I really understand them. It means that there are no guarantees...and whatever successes there may be have limits. It's not something with a conditional outcome.

 

[Ereth]

I don't care what people think am making the point that your words don't mean anything because they are not relevant to how my life has been and so do not mean anything to me you can't talk me out of feeling this way. I've made my choice and unless something good happens because of all the effort I've made then I am done trying why does no one ever understand what I say or write, maybe my writing has different context to yours so make sure u understand what I'm saying or your comments will be a waste

I do understand what you're saying. I'm not going to give up on you, though.

 

[Amelia]

I don't expect them to understand me, I expect them to be nice enough to treat me as nicely as they would any other person, considering they expect me to master their social rules when I can't and be polite to them even when they are not nice to me it seems only fair to expect they be that kind

 

[Judge]

I don't expect them to understand me, I expect them to be nice enough to treat me as nicely as they would any other person, considering they expect me to master their social rules when I can't and be polite to them even when they are not nice to me it seems only fair to expect they be that kind

Virtually all of us share similar sentiments. I know I do. It is only right- and fair. We all get that.

However it doesn't change the reality that we exist in a society dominated by a premise that being different is more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is deemed "fair" or not. It also doesn't help that many of us exist in democratic societies where the will of a social majority in the absence of judicial review is revered above all else.

Profound social evolution can and does happen, but historically it takes a very long time. Anyone in a racial or sexual minority can tell you that much. Don't abandon your expectations. But you need to keep them in proper perspective for your own self interest- and sanity.

I've gone through more than twice your lifetime of incessant and unwanted confrontation with NTs. Of course for my entire lifetime up until last year, I had no reason as to why. Rather than expect anything from them, my personal choice at the present has been to limit contact to the NT world altogether. To keep things cordial rather than confrontational. Admittedly for many this may be an impractical decision for many of you, but my point is that there are alternatives involving less social strife.

You're young and have self-awareness of your own autism. Use that to your advantage instead of beating your head against an NT wall for more than 50 years as I did. That should be a starting point for your new life, Amelia.