Feeling overwhelmed right now

[Suzanne]

Sitting on my bed crying because as hard as I try, I am not able to see positive out of renovating our home. My husband, although as done a good job so far, feels shy or lacks confidence with doing big things around the house, even though he has achieved many excellent things, there are still many things to do and he is an NT.

So when you are two, things are supposed to be easier, accept here I am caving in because I cannot cope with change.

I tried to explain how I feel ie overwhelmed, but all he said was: you try being the one who has to do the work and I feel just as overwhelmed! What can I say to that?

Escaped upstairs, as I feel shame crying in front of him, making things tons more difficult.

He is refusing help and as stupid as it is, I look at the work and wonder what the heck I can do!

I am so frightened, because I cannot squash this feeling of hating change.

Believe me, I am doing all I can to not scream and hide, for I am perfectly aware that adds to his stress, which is why I escaped upstairs.

What is it about this forum? I have stopped crying and feel less scared and yet not even posted yet!

As it happens, Friday we are having dinner with a couple and get this: they are in their 70's and yet he has the energy of a young person! He has said that we will discuss what needs doing and see what they can do, so if I can keep from freaking out......

Times like this, do wish I could take that pill and become an nt,, because when you live with someone who believes you are an aspie, bit demands or thinks it is unfair how I am being, that confuses me.

 

[Greg]

You know I totally feel like you do about not wanting things to change. I can't imagine what it would be like to do a remodel and change things. I can't even deal with moving furniture around in a room and if it were up to me I wouldn't do it. My wife loves to rearrange things in our house and drives me nuts. Not too long ago she even moved our utensils around in the drawer and it threw me off. Another instance was when she has moved the cat food bowls to a different place in the kitchen. It gets me to a point where I almost go into a meltdown. It actually almost ruins my day when something like that happens. Especially when I walk in on it and not expecting.

It seems like you are overwhelmed with things and as far as not knowing where to start is just get in there and just start somewhere and work on something. Take it not as a whole of the entire thing but just in pieces.

 

[Sarsaparilla]

It sounds like there's two stresses, the stress of all the change and the stress of feeling like you should be able to help him. It doesn't sound like your other half understands the problem and is stressed out yourself

It is really hard when everything's changing and everything's in a mess. Is upstairs not changing? Can you use it as a safe haven when it all gets too much?

I wouldn't know what to do with that sort of thing either (and I had some massive meltdowns when my ex and I tried to redecorate) but I could help if I were told what to do and how to do it. When you're feeling up to it, could you perhaps ask your husband to give you a task and explain exactly what to do? Tell him that just expecting you to know isn't going to work for you. Also perhaps tell him that you find the change hard, and you may need to escape upstairs to recharge now and again, but you'll be back when you feel better.

I don't know if any of this will help but I hope things get better for you.

 

[Warmheart]

You are doing a super job in coming here and getting your feelings out with such clarity, Suzanne. I relate to struggling mightily with change. How about upping your favorite rituals and routines right now to help you feel secure? Maybe sip your favorite tea in your favorite mug, wear only your favorite clothing, and pick up some of your favorite books. Sameness, stability, consistency, comfort in what we can count on. Rituals rock!

Suzanne, here's a virtual (((Hug)))), and a delicious, soothing cup of hot Rooibos tea, my favorite. :::::::::::: (__)}

 

[Judge]

It's totally understandable. The way I see it, renovation is just one step removed from moving. An incredibly stressful transition for most people, regardless of neurological concerns.

I suppose the best thing to do is to keep in mind that renovation is a finite process. That when it is completed, your home will once again be in a relative state of normalcy. This kind of disruption won't last. Just keep telling yourself that.

 

[JKG]

Wow, I'm inspired by how you have the presence of mind to go upstairs and take care of yourself in that way, as well as even undertake the renovation. All of that absolutely terrifies me. My biggest meltdowns happen when my physical environment changes. So you sound like the bravest person in the world to me at this moment. I've not figured out yet how to cope with physical changes my partner wants to make to our home; it is a continuing point of tension that I know I need to address. But I can't yet turn off the panic signals. Question: does spacial change feel easier or better for you when you can control part of it (i.e. take command of a piece that you do in your own way without anyone else chiming in), or by absenting yourself completely and just coming back when the changes have been made (i.e. hiding your eyes until the chaos of the change process is over)? I ask because I've been experimenting with both. I'm curious if others have advice on how to manage physical changes of the type you describe.

 

[Judge]

I'm reminded of when I allowed an NT g/f to move into my apartment many years ago. And how stressful it was that she insisted on redecorating everything. I never shared how I felt, but also never knew I was on the spectrum at the time.

It ended badly.

 

[Heissonear]

With the renovation change going on around you the way we respond is pretty well unavoidable. The effect of change hits us. Over stressed feelings hit us.

I hope you manage a get away outing - a few hours getaway - to recover during the more intense moments.

 

[Suzanne]

I will respond to each of your amazing messages, if not today, tomorrow.

Had bouts of OKs and then overwhelming again, but I sincerely hope things will be better tomorrow. We had decided to take all the false walls down and start afresh, and so I spent much time coaxing myself to be brave, which was counter productive. When I opened up to hubby, he made a good point and said it would be like me, needing him to go out all day and so, he makes his mind to do that, but not what he is going to do and so, would freak out and I see that is what I did. So, I hope to participate, rather than just watch and feel bad.

Our two bedrooms are virtually done and are amazing.

I do so appreciate all your support

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I don't like change at all, things can get pretty disorganized and my husband and I are both visual organizers...and then one day I can't stand it any longer, I have to straighten something. Being in charge of the change helps me, even if all I can get done is organize a single desk top or the kitchen table.

I get the "tidal waves" of OKness and overwhelmed too. I hope you're better and taking B vitamins or whatever food it is that helps you, along with meds if you take any.

 

[Tia Maria]

Suzanne, As you know I don't have much time at all this week. I was on-line to order some pet food so checked emails & peeked here quick & saw this. Will write you more next week as soon as I can, but meanwhile wanted to post something quick here. I am so sorry that you were having such a bad & upsetting day. If crying helps & makes you feel better then let yourself cry. Any kind of home project or renovation is extremely stressful & upsetting for anyone. Even the most calm & balanced person would feel some stress, frustration & more during the process, so I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you right now. It is not a failing that it got to you. I wish your husband could be more patient & understanding because that would at least help a little, but he evidently feels his own stresses etc ... & can only give what he can on any given day.

Although you may be feeling more anxiety & stress over this - the fact that you know a couple who is interested & must care enough, to want to discuss what needs doing to see if they can help - that is good news. Try to not let that stress you more, but try to let go & find your inner peaceful self. It would be good (I think) if you were able to let them help you however they are able & willing. We all need help sometimes, & we all want to help sometimes when we can. Let them help lighten the load for you a little now if they can.

And try to keep remembering, renovations are extremely annoying & stressful ... for everyone! When it's all finished & behind you, you will have a fabulous living space that you'll be enjoying for a long time.

Virtual Hugs to you from me.

 

[Peace]

He struggles with you being an Aspie just as you struggle with his NT ways. It is equal although it does not seem that way. The challenge is to help the other see through your eyes.
He sounds like a good man that accepts you. Perhaps you can help him to see that you want to be involved to make the change easier for you, but also to be a part of your home as it grows, and of your marriage. Let him know it is important to you. There is always something you can do no matter what your skill level.
You can do it.

 

[annominous]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now, Suzanne. I have a very hard time with change that I do not instigate. I don't have any helpful advice because I'm single and struggle to navigate romantic partner relationships.

 

[Suzanne]

It sounds like there's two stresses, the stress of all the change and the stress of feeling like you should be able to help him. It doesn't sound like your other half understands the problem and is stressed out yourself

It is really hard when everything's changing and everything's in a mess. Is upstairs not changing? Can you use it as a safe haven when it all gets too much?

I wouldn't know what to do with that sort of thing either (and I had some massive meltdowns when my ex and I tried to redecorate) but I could help if I were told what to do and how to do it. When you're feeling up to it, could you perhaps ask your husband to give you a task and explain exactly what to do? Tell him that just expecting you to know isn't going to work for you. Also perhaps tell him that you find the change hard, and you may need to escape upstairs to recharge now and again, but you'll be back when you feel better.

I don't know if any of this will help but I hope things get better for you.

You sound like me, when I am trying to help others lol spot on ie two stresses.

Feeling more positive today and have a task of pulling wallpaper off, which I have done before.

 

[Suzanne]

You are doing a super job in coming here and getting your feelings out with such clarity, Suzanne. I relate to struggling mightily with change. How about upping your favorite rituals and routines right now to help you feel secure? Maybe sip your favorite tea in your favorite mug, wear only your favorite clothing, and pick up some of your favorite books. Sameness, stability, consistency, comfort in what we can count on. Rituals rock!

Suzanne, here's a virtual (((Hug)))), and a delicious, soothing cup of hot Rooibos tea, my favorite. :::::::::::: (__)}

I must say, your avatar name is most apt, for I never cease to feel warm from your posts. Today, I am hugely better and even participating lol

 

[Suzanne]

It's totally understandable. The way I see it, renovation is just one step removed from moving. An incredibly stressful transition for most people, regardless of neurological concerns.

I suppose the best thing to do is to keep in mind that renovation is a finite process. That when it is completed, your home will once again be in a relative state of normalcy. This kind of disruption won't last. Just keep telling yourself that.

That is exactly what I am doing ie endeavouring to keep the finite process in mind and today is not a bad day at all and even stripped old wallpaper down and hope to help with painting and taking old tiles off and putting our new ones one.

 

[Suzanne]

Wow, I'm inspired by how you have the presence of mind to go upstairs and take care of yourself in that way, as well as even undertake the renovation. All of that absolutely terrifies me. My biggest meltdowns happen when my physical environment changes. So you sound like the bravest person in the world to me at this moment. I've not figured out yet how to cope with physical changes my partner wants to make to our home; it is a continuing point of tension that I know I need to address. But I can't yet turn off the panic signals. Question: does spacial change feel easier or better for you when you can control part of it (i.e. take command of a piece that you do in your own way without anyone else chiming in), or by absenting yourself completely and just coming back when the changes have been made (i.e. hiding your eyes until the chaos of the change process is over)? I ask because I've been experimenting with both. I'm curious if others have advice on how to manage physical changes of the type you describe.

That is very endearing of you to say so and I tell you, when I was at my worst yesterday, your message helped me so much. It also reminded me on an occasion when we had to move, once again, but my husband was working and left it all up to me and I FREAKED out ( had no idea I was an aspie then) and in panic, I phoned a Samaritan and amongst the mental pain, I explained that the only thing I had done was to contact the post and redirect our mail and she halted me and asked me to repeat, to which I did and said: wow, do you not see what you have done? You had the forth thought to do what many do not do and that imbibed me with confidence and the next morning, I did not sit down, til I had packed every little thing!

Oh I don't know that I am the bravest person but lol I certainly am tickled you think so

 

[Suzanne]

Question: does spacial change feel easier or better for you when you can control part of it (i.e. take command of a piece that you do in your own way without anyone else chiming in), or by absenting yourself completely and just coming back when the changes have been made (i.e. hiding your eyes until the chaos of the change process is over)?

I have never thought about it, but I do believe, I do as you have done, both, but I feel better for participating and so, I need to be in control of something and I also need to know what is to be achieved that day! So for example: this morning, I took wallpaper off and felt good for doing it ie a sense of achievement and it helped enormously, when my husband walked passed and said: oh well done, darling; you have done such a good job!

So yes, I need to control part of it, like knowing the goal for that day, otherwise, I go into meltdown.

 

[Suzanne]

With the renovation change going on around you the way we respond is pretty well unavoidable. The effect of change hits us. Over stressed feelings hit us.

I hope you manage a get away outing - a few hours getaway - to recover during the more intense moments.

Thank you so much! I feel tons better today and tomorrow we are out virtually the whole day, which means I can put the nightmare to one side lol

 

[Suzanne]

I don't like change at all, things can get pretty disorganized and my husband and I are both visual organizers...and then one day I can't stand it any longer, I have to straighten something. Being in charge of the change helps me, even if all I can get done is organize a single desk top or the kitchen table.

I get the "tidal waves" of OKness and overwhelmed too. I hope you're better and taking B vitamins or whatever food it is that helps you, along with meds if you take any.

When you say: visual organizers, do you mean that you see it happening, but it doesn't happen physically? I am like that; I tend to put up with mess and then it gets to the point, I feel sick and have to clean it up. If anyone came to our home, they would notice immediately that all Suzanne's things are tidy and organised and all Jem's things are the opposite! We did a bit of shopping for the house yesterday and I pointed to some boxes and said how great they would look and Jem said: yeah if you lived on your own! Because in each box, there was one item; whereas my husband likes clutter. I have this abhorrence with a book case and things in front of the books! Wow marriage is hard, when one is tidy and the other isn't!