Feeling of belonging after diagnosis?

[On the Inside]

I feel I need to have a specific reason for doing so, I can't just approach people to chat or make friends, I don't know what to say or talk about. It feels very awkward to me. Feeling that I have no common interests with others doesn't help either, and I think that others find me boring. I thought that others on the spectrum also had this problem, but it appears not to be the case, it's just me who has the problem.

I also feel this way, especially the part about needing a purpose/specific reason to contact or approach someone. In situations such as work or social functions I mostly keep to myself, only occasionally having short conversations with people. Once in a great while do I connect with someone and have a long involved conversation.

I really have no need for connecting with small talk, and find it very distracting. I don't know how people can chat so much and get anything done.

 

[On the Inside]

I guess I never thought of it this way, but if I only feel the need to approach or contact someone when it's for a specific purpose, then subconsciously I must feel that people only contact me for a specific purpose. And I think that is true, so I figure that if no one is contacting me, then no one needs me, a state of being where I am rather comfortable.

I have had this happen a number of times, where people that I haven't seen or been involved with for a while contact me for some purpose, usually something they need from me, or want me to do.

I have a few very co-dependent relationships in my past and they occasionally show up and cause trouble. I have had to break off from them and establish clear boundaries, something that I was completely unable to do before.

Now I am starting to feel that I can start getting involved (with new people) and start things out with clear boundaries.

 

[HisShadowX]

My clinical psychologist warned me not to informed my employer without first coming up with a plan with my psychologist so they wouldn't get the wrong idea. Sadly I fell and hurt my back saw I haven't seen her in a while but I understand what he was talking about since my family reacted horribly

 

[oliviamorgenstern]

It reacted just opposite! I was really, really happy and relieved at first. I felt like I belonged and like a lot of things finally made sense.

But then I realised that this was forever. There was no treatment except for structure and self insight. Everything felt hopeless.

Now, 6 months after I got my diagnosis, I feel like I belong. I understand myself a lot more than I ever haved. I've started to like my differences and the good things my autism gives me!

 

[Annayoung]

It reacted just opposite! I was really, really happy and relieved at first. I felt like I belonged and like a lot of things finally made sense.

But then I realised that this was forever. There was no treatment except for structure and self insight. Everything felt hopeless.

Now, 6 months after I got my diagnosis, I feel like I belong. I understand myself a lot more than I ever haved. I've started to like my differences and the good things my autism gives me!

That's really good news to me thank you !

 

[Datura]

I don't have a diagnosis, but certainly feel a sense of belonging in this online community. However, this is not the only or first place I have experienced belonging.

Probably the first place I really felt I fit it was at a queer youth group I joined in my early 20s. At first I thought I was maybe a bit old, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed. Everyone there was really friendly and accepting and there were some great mentors who facilitated the group. I was never very sociable in school, so this was really where I learned to make friends and mingle for the first time. Some of those relationships turned out to be toxic, but all and all it was a brilliant experience. I kind of miss those days, but some of the friendships and connections from that time endure to this day.

I also enjoy gaming and have found a couple of groups where I felt very comfortable. Other groups I go to simply to play, but there is no sense of comradery. It's interesting that one can feel like an outsider even when they share a common interest, but there you go.

 

[Apple]

I felt great that I wasn't the only one. My life was literally summed up after hearing those two words (AS).

 

[Harrison]

After your diagnosis, after the surprise/ relief/ shock wore off, and you started getting involved in the community here or with other autie's did you start to feel a sense of belonging or even home almost? Throughout my whole life I've never ever felt like I belonged- but once I started getting involved with others on the spectrum, for the first time I felt like I wasn't such an alien outcast. Is that pretty common with you guys too?? Feeling like you actually belonged somewhere- with other autie's?

Having spent my life feeling 'unique' within society it was a blessed relief to find out I was an aspie. I do know a few aspies in the real world and I admit to having a sense of camaradarie even though they display in different ways. AC is my social playground and I'm fully aware that I can tick people off in here as easily as in the real world.

Finding out I was an aspie changed my world, finding other aspies changed me in ways I am still investigating.

 

[MicroWeiss]

Nope. I STILL do not feel a sense of belonging. I would say that I have probably had issues with other Aspie support sites that REALLY do indicate I am one of a kind. In one particular autism support group, I have been referred to as a creep, victimizer, predator and then finally banned. What has been said regarding me is unwarranted and untrue. I had an aspie of the opposite sex reach out to me and I thought it was awesome! All of a sudden, I am being accused of committing some kind of sexually related crimes against her and it is stated that she has made such claims. Other users of this other group will gang up on me and nothing gets done because a particular op has an issue with me. The op then states that my friend is a girl in a womans body and that it is the reason I am victimizing her. I then ask him if that is the case then why was he pressuring her to date him. He has also implied that my reaching out to others in the site is an indication that I am NT lol! I often get BANNED. He seems to have the belief that if I am in fact an aspie or an autistic then that means I should not have a problem with being alone. Sorry if it seems like I got off track there. The point I am trying to make is that because we all have varying chararcteristics, I still feel just as much rejected by my own as I would by an NT. It may even be WORSE in many instances. I also feel in other autism/Asperger's Syndrome support groups that I am VERY often ignored. People make declarations about me including that I smoke dope/do other illegal drugs. I have had a gay man in I used to be friends with stalk me and it seems actually acceptable by some of the ops I complain to. The subtly imply I have a bromance with him. In other groups there seems to be a power struggle to let everyone know that ops are in charge and everyone else can be kicked or banned if an op thinks it might be fun.I do not however notice that as a problem here. Not sure if everything I just mentioned will make sense to most but I thought I would try.

yeah, it's politics, even if you understand where everyone is coming from and can analyze them to a tee and explain their motives to them, they will still kick you out. it's human behavior, and it is often bad, though not always. last time i got burned was in real life, a guy started hitting on me, smiling and giggling at me like a little kid, staring at me, leaning in unnecessarily, and then when i asked him about it he said he never hit on me and i was making assumptions, and that he has been dating a girl for the entire year i had known him. like it is impossible for innocent little angel-him to flirt with me if he was dating someone. i mean, married guys do it, but god forbid i suggest he was doing anything. also his best friend was glaring at me like i wasn't good enough for him. but in the end it is fine, since after talking to him, he didn't seem like a 'real' person. like one of those "believe the words coming out of my mouth and ignore all my actions" kind of guys. there are people out there who aren't entirely fake. i can put up with some amount of weak human behavior, but i prefer some awareness.

 

[MicroWeiss]

I was recently amazed to find that I could antagonize people on this forum simply by being my Aspie self. I thought I could disclose particular personality quirks safely here and avoid individual members' criticism if I touched on a subject they considered a personal attack. I believed they would understand that my oddness wasn't intended to be an attack against them. I am an English nut and felt members would understand my obsession and inability to understand others' differences akin to my personal revulsion to eating sushi. Simply--I have certain interests that consume me and I thought disclosing my quirks would be considered MY stupid behavior and not an attack against anyone specifically. I also hate all team sports, parties, being touched, small talk, required appearances at certain functions--I could name more, but you get the idea. What I learned is that I really have to "tread on eggshells" with AS people just as I have to do with NTs. I am glad I learned that here and not on some future occasion when I may form a real and personal friendship with another Aspie. I guess I am saying that being my Aspie self may make another Aspie annoyed. I have never had a personal relationship with another "out" Aspie though I would be happy to have a chance to become such a friend.

it's good to learn how not to set people off. i think at some point if being 'yourself' gets everyone infuriated, that your social objectives might be like most people who are slightly uncomfortable with themselves, you need to fight it out and create turbulence, and you don't get the same satisfaction fighting it out alone, and need to involve others.

if you had your social behavior recounted to you by an impartial observer, would you be proud of it?

 

[NateSean]

This is the question I have pretty much struggled with all of my life, because I furious over my diagnosis. I was fourteen and I didn't have a say in the matter, but no matter what I said, my parents, the school, and my shrink just had to have a label to slap me with. There was nothing about my life before or since that has improved as a result of the diagnosis and in fact it caused more problems than what I had to begin with.

I struggle with this question because, even though I haven't read all of the answers in this thread, my whole life has been one long forum thread of people who said something to the effect of, "I had all the answers when I got that diagnosis" and for me, the only thing I got was a ton of people who refused to see me as the individual that I was. In my mind, they only labeled me because in their mind there was something wrong with me and they needed a word for it. I apologize if that ruffles anyone's feathers but it's how I have always felt and I'm sticking with it.

 

[On the Inside]

I struggle with this question because, even though I haven't read all of the answers in this thread, my whole life has been one long forum thread of people who said something to the effect of, "I had all the answers when I got that diagnosis" and for me, the only thing I got was a ton of people who refused to see me as the individual that I was. In my mind, they only labeled me because in their mind there was something wrong with me and they needed a word for it. I apologize if that ruffles anyone's feathers but it's how I have always felt and I'm sticking with it.

That's a tough story, I'm sorry to hear about that.

Being diagnosed gave me some answers, but not enough to overcome what I have been through, and what I'll likely encounter in the future. No, a diagnosis doesn't really change much, but it allows me to focus more on my strengths and understand rather than flail away at my weaknesses.

As far as other people, I don't know how old you are, but eventually those people who have seen you as a label will have less influence over you as you gain independence. You're right, they needed a word for it so they could "understand it", which really means it lets them off the hook, they aren't responsible.

I hope you can find peace and understanding. That is what I've been striving for.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

After your diagnosis, after the surprise/ relief/ shock wore off, and you started getting involved in the community here or with other autie's did you start to feel a sense of belonging or even home almost? Throughout my whole life I've never ever felt like I belonged- but once I started getting involved with others on the spectrum, for the first time I felt like I wasn't such an alien outcast. Is that pretty common with you guys too?? Feeling like you actually belonged somewhere- with other autie's?

Nyx, I felt like I was a ghost and others were ghosts, unseen and unheard. I think we are kinder, more sensitive to the needs of others like ourselves and to a degree a bit quicker on the uptake.
I think my old man mental acuity is improving a bit.
I with there was a real estate development called Aspersberg. I sell this place and move there just to be a neighbor to you all rather than being alone with my thoughts, that the general public has no interest in or comprehension of.

 

[JoeK]

After your diagnosis, after the surprise/ relief/ shock wore off, and you started getting involved in the community here or with other autie's did you start to feel a sense of belonging or even home almost? Throughout my whole life I've never ever felt like I belonged- but once I started getting involved with others on the spectrum, for the first time I felt like I wasn't such an alien outcast. Is that pretty common with you guys too?? Feeling like you actually belonged somewhere- with other autie's?

I still don't feel like I'm part of any group, not antisocial or even unsocial, is asocial a word? It is some relief to discover I'm not the only member of a race of aliens. Still, rather than see it as being a member of some alien race, to me it feels more like discovering a group of other aliens, each of them a race of one. There is some solidarity with others in the same boat. That alone isn't enough to establish a personal connection.

 

[DC1346]

After your diagnosis, after the surprise/ relief/ shock wore off, and you started getting involved in the community here or with other autie's did you start to feel a sense of belonging or even home almost? Throughout my whole life I've never ever felt like I belonged- but once I started getting involved with others on the spectrum, for the first time I felt like I wasn't such an alien outcast. Is that pretty common with you guys too?? Feeling like you actually belonged somewhere- with other autie's?

Hmmmm ... first, I was never shocked so much as I was relieved. I didn't self diagnose until last year and did not get a clinical confirmation until last April. I've always known that I was different but I didn't know why. Knowing why has been a huge relief and I've used this as an excuse to become a reclusive introvert.

Don't get me wrong. I've always had reclusive tendencies and I've always tried to keep these tendencies at a distance ... but no more. I've embraced my aspiness (is that even a word?) and I've embraced being a reclusive introvert ... and I LIKE IT!

Other than work, I don't have to stress out over relationships anymore because I don't have any. No romantic entanglements ... no girl friend complaining that we should "go somewhere" and spend the entire weekend doing things that she likes while I'm getting more and more stressed out.

Since I'm a reclusive introvert, I really don't have anything to do with anyone (in person) outside of work ... so I don't socialize with NTs OR aspies.

Someone on this site wrote a post about going to a meetup for aspies. I thought about doing that but there's no group for that in my area and I didn't want to form a group because then I'd be responsible for it.

I like this site because most people are quite supportive and as I've recently learned, people who aren't supportive can be blocked. No muss, no fuss.

 

[StephF]

Yes, very much so.

 

[Myway]

Yes. I had a sense of belonging. I found it easier to communicate with people like me instead of NTs. I can communicate with both, but it is easier with Aspies and Auties.

 

[Larisa]

After your diagnosis, after the surprise/ relief/ shock wore off, and you started getting involved in the community here or with other autie's did you start to feel a sense of belonging or even home almost? Throughout my whole life I've never ever felt like I belonged- but once I started getting involved with others on the spectrum, for the first time I felt like I wasn't such an alien outcast. Is that pretty common with you guys too?? Feeling like you actually belonged somewhere- with other autie's?

I think the main topic is what do you mean by 'sense of belonging'?
If you mean to reach the sense of complete acceptance by other persons from the group - that's a no.
If you mean to come in the peace with myself and to stop fighting my uncommonnesses - that's a yes.
Since I placed myself as an aspie - I started to belong with myself: and through that I started to sense more in common with other people as well.
By accepting my feelings I started to notice that many motivations of neurotypical people I didn't get before - are actually the traditional way of solving the matters that I prefer to decide by my own mind and according to my own preferences.
Like chatting and frequent sex contacts - it's their way of reaching the sense of belonging and getting prove of being accepted by other people.
I started to see this unsettling feeling as the common sourse in every human person - even if my way of reacting on it is different from the traditional ways of neurotypical people.
I'm grateful to this community and I come here for support of my own feelings and observations - that's what I seek through topics: if anyone writes about how I feel myself and what I notice with my eyes and by my mind in the real world?
I'm very careful to join any conversation because... well, the human personality - of everyone - is unique, complicated and vast as the Universe itself. It's the concrete topic that several unique personalities can find the common ground to get near and exchange by their opinions.
And the other aspies are close to my way of feeling from inside and of processing data from outer world - so in discussing the topics I have more common ground with them and form easily the logical connections - than with the neurotypical people.
But it doesn't solve my overall detachment and self-doubts which are born out of uniqueness of my personality and individuality of my personal life experience.
Although it helps to have the aspie community to return to for the similar questions and doubts about the personal perceptions of the real world and other people's behaviour.
Unlike neyrotypical people I get support and peace of mind not out of getting simple answers - but out of periodical confirmations that the mysteries I beat to solve nobody yet solved succesfully That prompts me to feel inspiration and to make my observations and carefully analyze them.
But I sorely need the community of equal researchers to feel myself adequate in the world dominated by people who are satisfied with readily supplied answers and traditionally established reactions for any of their questions and feelings.

I must admit I feel devided between envy and pity for them - for it would be so much easier and comfortably for me to fit in and be satisfied with ready schemes of role-playing in the human society - but it makes me feel really alive to see with my own eyes, think with my own mind, to sense my own feelings and to make my own decisions and choices how to live my life day after day.
The problem is the life journey being so empty and cold without reasonable human persons nearby to have discussions, to talk to, to act together sometimes and to share my feelings - joy, confusion and fear - with and the results of my work of mind - occasionally.

 

[Misfate]

Yes and no. It's kinda hard to explain, but I'll give it a shot. See, before I was officially diagnosed, I seemed to fit all of the traits perfectly. Then shortly after my diagnosis I went of to college and - Whoo! - things really changed. Living on my own, I really had to learn to cope with change and responsibility. Even though I only stayed in the dorms for half a semester, it really had some impact on my life. Since then I've felt different; not quite aspie, yet not quite norm either. I'd still say I'm an aspie than a norm, but things with other people are getting harder to connect. IDK, maybe I'm just growing up.

 

[weth]

When was the last time anyone felt they belonged to anything ?