Feeling of belonging after diagnosis?

[nyxjord]

After your diagnosis, after the surprise/ relief/ shock wore off, and you started getting involved in the community here or with other autie's did you start to feel a sense of belonging or even home almost? Throughout my whole life I've never ever felt like I belonged- but once I started getting involved with others on the spectrum, for the first time I felt like I wasn't such an alien outcast. Is that pretty common with you guys too?? Feeling like you actually belonged somewhere- with other autie's?

 

[Progster]

I wouldn't say that I was involved with others on the spectrum now, because I don't have any contact with anyone on the spectrum outside of internet forums, but yes, I do feel that I belong to a community.

Before I was diagnosed, I did meet up with a couple of people on the spectrum, and they accepted me into their little group even though I was different to them in terms of personality and interests. It was the first time I had felt accepted and that I belonged to any sort of social group.

Edit: To be honest, I don't think I really felt that I belonged as such socially, it was more that we had a diagnosis in common, and similar challenges in life. The important thing was that they accepted me as one of them, as another person on the spectrum.

 

[Slithytoves]

This question has been on my mind a lot lately, since I was just diagnosed in late January and hadn't even considered that I might be on the spectrum until just weeks beforehand.

Knowing I have Asperger's has answered a lot of questions and given me a sense of identity. I feel a natural allegiance to the rest of the spectrum community. But do I feel I belong with other Aspies/Auties? Not really. Most all of my friends are NT, and I have as much in common with them as I do anyone on these forums, for example. This is such a diverse group. Many people here have totally different gifts and limitations from their ASD than I do. I've met some really cool people, but it's not their neurodiversity itself that attracts me. I've also identified people here who feel very alien to me.

I belong with people I have the most in common with, neurological status notwithstanding.

 

[nyxjord]

Hmm I might be in the minority here.. I have only met two nt's that I've ever really connected with for some reason. It's like I have this wall between me and others that I can't transverse without a minor miracle. It's like I never received the wiring/ coding to know how to make friends. Yes, I've googled how to socialize and make friends but I have no other relationships with nt's, deeper than just acquaintances/ class mates.

 

[On the Inside]

Those of you on the forum are the only ASD community I have contact with. I went to a Adult support group at one of the local Autism service organizations before I was diagnosed, and while it was a huge group, we split into small groups according to topic interest. I felt comfortable and at home in the small group I was in, but then I'm usually comfortable in small groups that are mediated and topical.

I have a few friends who are not on the spectrum (as far as I know). They are involved in my special interests, so there isn't such a barrier to inclusiveness, but I rarely socialize outside of my interests, and when I do I'm not so comfortable.

I would like to find or organize an Aspie group for socializing and support. There is a group meeting in my area, but it is meant for singles. While it doesn't state that it is for the purpose of hooking up, I suspect it is. That wouldn't be my scene.

I have found a great deal of help, understanding and sense of connection here at AC. I greatly value the contributions of most everyone here, but it is online, anonymous and geographically scattered, so I have to watch how "involved" I get, lest I find myself caught up in unrealistic involvement.

 

[nyxjord]

I was actually considering starting a group at my college for the students but that won't start up till next fall.. So I think this summer we are going to work on setting it up.
But again... The reason I want to stay such a thing is so I can meet others on the spectrum who are like me-- so that I can have IRL friends, rather than just online.

 

[Progster]

I've never been to an organised meet-up before, but if I did I think I might have problems because I'd find it hard to find people with the same interests as me. I once joined a chat group of people on the spectrum, but I left because I had nothing in common with them, and I felt that I didn't fit in very well with that group. They were great guys, very friendly and welcoming, but a lot younger me and were heavily into video gaming, anime, IT, current popular TV series, films or music that I don't listen to, and I have no knowledge of these topics whatsoever. Naturally, a lot of the conversation was geared towards these topics, and I couldn't relate to it, and had nothing to contribute to the discussion. Also a lot of quick-fire banter and in-jokes, that was a problem for me, too. I think the same would happen again if I joined such a group. I suck at pop culture and banter. I'm not that social and talkative anyway. Video games, anime, films, TV series, etc are quite common interests for people both on and off the spectrum, if you have slightly more unusual interests, then finding people with the same interests can be an issue.

 

[Judge]

I've had my entire life to assess my inability to successfully interact with Neurotypicals to my own satisfaction. However only less than two years with those on the spectrum, and seemingly only within these somewhat public posts. Few Aspies seem willing to interact with me privately here, and I have not knowingly interacted with anyone on the spectrum in real life.

Like Slithytoves, I do feel a certain "allegiance" to my own kind. However I'd have to see how well I could interact with y'all in person to honestly answer such a question. Which I suspect would involve a very rocky start which perhaps many of you could relate to. Online I have a certain comfort level with Aspies that I don't have with NTs. But would it carry over face-to-face, or not? I just don't know.

Maybe I don't really belong much of anywhere. I feel that a lot.

 

[nyxjord]

Yeah that's part of the experiment of a new group too. Whether the connection can be in real life too.

 

[AsheSkyler]

For the most part, yes. I finally found a group of oddballs that were my level of odd. Allistic geeks just don't fully understand some of the finer points of my quirks, like don't touch me. Although some of them are certainly much more obsessive over their favorite sci-fi!

 

[inabox]

I have felt a natural connection with, and found it so much easier to talk to, other aspies even though there has been age and interest differences. Example: I felt a natural connection with an aspie 9 years younger and very different interests, and an autie, who was 55 years older and almost non-verbal who I felt I understood and he preferred to sit with me than with the NTs in the room.
Maybe because I feel accepted and as though I can take off my "mask" briefly. Because with those people, I felt "normal".

 

[On the Inside]

I suspect, from reading the other posts, that a sense of belonging would be dependent on age and interest, not just being on the spectrum or not.

I have joined trail running groups in the last few years, where we met once or twice a week to train for trail marathons. Like minded people of various ages and backgrounds, but all were NT's for all I knew. I felt comfortable and enjoyed talking with them and cheering them on during events. I've even run into some of them outside of the running group and had nice chats.

But I'm not hanging out with them, and that is what I miss about having friends my own age with shared interests, which I haven't had since my early twenties. I think it would be worth the effort to see if some affinity could be developed with at least a few Aspies in my area. I would welcome the opportunity.

 

[Naturalist]

Although I have had friends from time to time (usually around my own interests), I never felt understood by anyone, even my family, and never felt I understood others, until conversing with other people "on the spectrum." That is something that I had given up on, after 34 years of not feeling it. So to have that understanding from others, and to also understand them, is really quite astonishing. Sometimes it seems surreal, like I should expect it to go away suddenly whereupon "normalcy"--the sense of being the odd one out--will be restored...

 

[Raspy Aspie]

After your diagnosis, after the surprise/ relief/ shock wore off, and you started getting involved in the community here or with other autie's did you start to feel a sense of belonging or even home almost? Throughout my whole life I've never ever felt like I belonged- but once I started getting involved with others on the spectrum, for the first time I felt like I wasn't such an alien outcast. Is that pretty common with you guys too?? Feeling like you actually belonged somewhere- with other autie's?

Nope. I STILL do not feel a sense of belonging. I would say that I have probably had issues with other Aspie support sites that REALLY do indicate I am one of a kind. In one particular autism support group, I have been referred to as a creep, victimizer, predator and then finally banned. What has been said regarding me is unwarranted and untrue. I had an aspie of the opposite sex reach out to me and I thought it was awesome! All of a sudden, I am being accused of committing some kind of sexually related crimes against her and it is stated that she has made such claims. Other users of this other group will gang up on me and nothing gets done because a particular op has an issue with me. The op then states that my friend is a girl in a womans body and that it is the reason I am victimizing her. I then ask him if that is the case then why was he pressuring her to date him. He has also implied that my reaching out to others in the site is an indication that I am NT lol! I often get BANNED. He seems to have the belief that if I am in fact an aspie or an autistic then that means I should not have a problem with being alone. Sorry if it seems like I got off track there. The point I am trying to make is that because we all have varying chararcteristics, I still feel just as much rejected by my own as I would by an NT. It may even be WORSE in many instances. I also feel in other autism/Asperger's Syndrome support groups that I am VERY often ignored. People make declarations about me including that I smoke dope/do other illegal drugs. I have had a gay man in I used to be friends with stalk me and it seems actually acceptable by some of the ops I complain to. The subtly imply I have a bromance with him. In other groups there seems to be a power struggle to let everyone know that ops are in charge and everyone else can be kicked or banned if an op thinks it might be fun.I do not however notice that as a problem here. Not sure if everything I just mentioned will make sense to most but I thought I would try.

 

[Whatisknown]

I still feel out of place even with people with Aspergers like I am not doing enough or something like that.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

Diagnosis for me came pretty early, when I was 4.
But I wondered "what on earth this asperger's thingy?"
"It means you're different to most people you will meet" was my mum's rather vague explanation of it.
"What do you mean different?" I asked. "Isn't everyone different?"

So for me, the feeling of belonging came not from diagnosis, but from information about it.
First source of information for me came from a book on asperger's that a teacher let me borrow.
That info sure helped.
Then one night, there happened to be a show on TV that featured a whole family of people who had ASD.
Throughout the show, my mum pointed out things that these people had in common with me, and it was then that I thought "oh cool! What a awesome sounding family to go visit!"

Knowing what my asperger's was and how it affected me didn't solve my problems instantly, but it was a good tool in the long run.

 

[Progster]

I'm an established member of a couple of ASD forums, and I've noticed that on these forums, other established members seem to have formed a connection or bond between themselves, I'm not sure how, perhaps they PM each other and get to know each other better, or they know each other IRL or from some other forum or use the chat... I don't know how this happens for others, but somehow this doesn't happen with me. For example, on this forum I've noticed that people are writing messages on each other's profile status, but during the 5 or so months that I've been a member of the forum, I've only ever had one such message. I used to belong to a Skype group whose members were on the spectrum, and they all bonded with each other, but not with me. I'm not criticising anyone, nor do I want to draw attention to myself or wallow in self-pity, but it does make me realise that I'm different even to people on the spectrum as they seem to be able to bond with each other and form more social connections, but I'm not. Now you will probably be thinking that I should be the one who contacts people to get to know them, I should make more effort, but it's not that easy. I find it very difficult to approach people. I feel I need to have a specific reason for doing so, I can't just approach people to chat or make friends, I don't know what to say or talk about. It feels very awkward to me. Feeling that I have no common interests with others doesn't help either, and I think that others find me boring. I thought that others on the spectrum also had this problem, but it appears not to be the case, it's just me who has the problem.

 

[Sully]

I'm an established member of a couple of ASD forums, and I've noticed that on these forums, other established members seem to have formed a connection or bond between themselves, I'm not sure how, perhaps they PM each other and get to know each other better, or they know each other IRL or from some other forum or use the chat... I don't know how this happens for others, but somehow this doesn't happen with me. For example, on this forum I've noticed that people are writing messages on each other's profile status, but during the 5 or so months that I've been a member of the forum, I've only ever had one such message. I used to belong to a Skype group whose members were on the spectrum, and they all bonded with each other, but not with me. I'm not criticising anyone, nor do I want to draw attention to myself or wallow in self-pity, but it does make me realise that I'm different even to people on the spectrum as they seem to be able to bond with each other and form more social connections, but I'm not. Now you will probably be thinking that I should be the one who contacts people to get to know them, I should make more effort, but it's not that easy. I find it very difficult to approach people. I feel I need to have a specific reason for doing so, I can't just approach people to chat or make friends, I don't know what to say or talk about. It feels very awkward to me. Feeling that I have no common interests with others doesn't help either, and I think that others find me boring. I thought that others on the spectrum also had this problem, but it appears not to be the case, it's just me who has the problem.

I think because some aspies are extroverts and some are introverts might have something to do with it. I kind of feel the same as you, but I never really attempt to connect with people personally. I'm not sure how to not be weird. But when I meet people IRL everyone seems weird to me.

 

[Progster]

I think because some aspies are extroverts and some are introverts might have something to do with it. I kind of feel the same as you, but I never really attempt to connect with people personally. I'm not sure how to not be weird. But when I meet people IRL everyone seems weird to me.

Yes, this could be one reason. I am very introverted and I don't talk much to people. I also have social anxiety.

 

[Aspieistj]

I was recently amazed to find that I could antagonize people on this forum simply by being my Aspie self. I thought I could disclose particular personality quirks safely here and avoid individual members' criticism if I touched on a subject they considered a personal attack. I believed they would understand that my oddness wasn't intended to be an attack against them. I am an English nut and felt members would understand my obsession and inability to understand others' differences akin to my personal revulsion to eating sushi. Simply--I have certain interests that consume me and I thought disclosing my quirks would be considered MY stupid behavior and not an attack against anyone specifically. I also hate all team sports, parties, being touched, small talk, required appearances at certain functions--I could name more, but you get the idea. What I learned is that I really have to "tread on eggshells" with AS people just as I have to do with NTs. I am glad I learned that here and not on some future occasion when I may form a real and personal friendship with another Aspie. I guess I am saying that being my Aspie self may make another Aspie annoyed. I have never had a personal relationship with another "out" Aspie though I would be happy to have a chance to become such a friend.