feeling like I'm in a "box"

[paloftoon]

Someone that I was interested in that I felt I leveled with looks wise and physically basically wasn't interested in me. I get this a lot. It's frustrating.

I hate it when I'm attracted to people who have a higher BMI than me, I'm just as independent as them if not more, I know I look fine and I'm doing pretty well, and yet they pretend I don't exist or say veiled snarky manipulative comments like "you're high maintenance" as a catch-all to minimize talking with you and giving me a chance.

This one guy I was interested in today who was streaming online live, and he was saying how he only drinks whiskey and some other liquor, and then he said he drinks Bud Lite and when I told him I'm not a fan of Bud Lite, he said I was "high maintenance."

I know that my race and interests play a big part of it. Race is obvious not under my control. I'm sure that my personality and presence can play a role for those who will talk a bit more too. It's easy to say that I can just keep looking. But it happens a lot.

I've been putting myself out there and been constantly working on myself. I've definitely made some improvements in my physicality and life in general, but nothing will be enough for some people.

I had a former friend who asked me what is the common factor is all of this. He was implying "me". Every time I keep re-evaluating and trying to constantly improve as I can, I've tried some things out of my comfort zone even, but the results are still pretty similar. It's definitely more than just "me".

I feel like the lgbt community acts similarly even for potential platonic connections.

 

[tree]

[FONT=Arial]@paloftoon[/FONT]

"I hate it when I'm attracted to people who have a higher BMI than me,
I'm just as independent as them if not more, I know I look fine and I'm doing pretty well...."

What does that mean?
Are you saying your BMI is very low and
you think people don't want to be with you
because of that?
Or are you saying that your BMI is relatively high
and that people whose BMI is even
higher don't want to be with you, for some reason?

 

[Rae Ray]

Someone that I was interested in that I felt I leveled with looks wise and physically basically wasn't interested in me. I get this a lot. It's frustrating.

I hate it when I'm attracted to people who have a higher BMI than me, I'm just as independent as them if not more, I know I look fine and I'm doing pretty well, and yet they pretend I don't exist or say veiled snarky manipulative comments like "you're high maintenance" as a catch-all to minimize talking with you and giving me a chance.

This one guy I was interested in today who was streaming online live, and he was saying how he only drinks whiskey and some other liquor, and then he said he drinks Bud Lite and when I told him I'm not a fan of Bud Lite, he said I was "high maintenance."

I know that my race and interests play a big part of it. Race is obvious not under my control. I'm sure that my personality and presence can play a role for those who will talk a bit more too. It's easy to say that I can just keep looking. But it happens a lot.

I've been putting myself out there and been constantly working on myself. I've definitely made some improvements in my physicality and life in general, but nothing will be enough for some people.

I had a former friend who asked me what is the common factor is all of this. He was implying "me". Every time I keep re-evaluating and trying to constantly improve as I can, I've tried some things out of my comfort zone even, but the results are still pretty similar. It's definitely more than just "me".

I feel like the lgbt community acts similarly even for potential platonic connections.

I find it easiest just to be me. I'm not sure what High Maintenance means but some have told me it means that someone cost a lot of money to be happy, not sure though

 

[paloftoon]

[FONT=Arial]@paloftoon[/FONT]

"I hate it when I'm attracted to people who have a higher BMI than me,
I'm just as independent as them if not more, I know I look fine and I'm doing pretty well...."

What does that mean?
Are you saying your BMI is very low and
you think people don't want to be with you
because of that?
Or are you saying that your BMI is relatively high
and that people whose BMI is even
higher don't want to be with you, for some reason?

My BMI is around 27 right now and some of the people who I've been attracted to probably have a BMI 29-33+.

27 isn't particularly high, but it's definitely not low enough either.

 

[paloftoon]

I find it easiest just to be me. I'm not sure what High Maintenance means but some have told me it means that someone cost a lot of money to be happy, not sure though

That is a good assumption for "high maintenance."
Generally someone who is "high maintenance" does cost a lot of money.

It could also mean that maybe their needs are cheap, but they are so particular. Like if you are a picky eater and will only eat white bread and cheetos, then maybe you could be considered "high maintenance" because other(s) have to drag you to eat some healthy things or variety or some peers don't feel comfortable being around you because you're unusually picky even for a "picky person."

In this context, I'm implying that this person was so mean that he was exaggerating off of one small point just because I preferred not to drink "cheap beer" that he wants to say I'm "high maintenance". I even told him I'm not making him pay for anything and I could drink water. His response was simply that he likes whiskey again. It was a manipulative way to say "I'm not interested" and also mean cause he didn't care about the class I have with appreciating other variety of things in life. I wish this attitude was more the exception, but I feel it has been somewhat of a norm in our current (US) society.

 

[lateundiagnosed]

i wouldnt worry about your BMI, ive been out of the dating game for a long time, but unless everybody asks this question to each other now days ,im really getting old. i think that people now days want to get together for more financial reasons as much as anything else though. that is all.

 

[Rae Ray]

That is a good assumption for "high maintenance."
Generally someone who is "high maintenance" does cost a lot of money.

It could also mean that maybe their needs are cheap, but they are so particular. Like if you are a picky eater and will only eat white bread and cheetos, then maybe you could be considered "high maintenance" because other(s) have to drag you to eat some healthy things or variety or some peers don't feel comfortable being around you because you're unusually picky even for a "picky person."

In this context, I'm implying that this person was so mean that he was exaggerating off of one small point just because I preferred not to drink "cheap beer" that he wants to say I'm "high maintenance". I even told him I'm not making him pay for anything and I could drink water. His response was simply that he likes whiskey again. It was a manipulative way to say "I'm not interested" and also mean cause he didn't care about the class I have with appreciating other variety of things in life. I wish this attitude was more the exception, but I feel it has been somewhat of a norm in our current (US) society.

I don't like cheap beer either. I don't think that makes someone high maintenance, it just means they don't like cheap beer. Like I said from the beginning, Just be yourself and all will turn out well.

 

[Aspychata]

i wouldnt worry about your BMI, ive been out of the dating game for a long time, but unless everybody asks this question to each other now days ,im really getting old. i think that people now days want to get together for more financial reasons as much as anything else though. that is all.

You can split costs with a roommate also. I would rather do that be in a relationship that l am not into.

 

[Mia]

Have you considered that your search for a certain kind of person limits you? Or that perhaps you've aspired to a certain type that is unattainable, hence you don't have to become too involved. It's certainly valid that we grow up with all sorts of ideas about who we want and desire as friends and lovers. And maybe those etched in stone perceptions become endemic and incontrovertible in our interactions with others. So inherent that they seem part of us, rarely questioned.

I don't think you should make yourself over to be acceptable to others. If some find you are 'not their type' then they are too superficial. So many relationships are peripheral and not lasting for those reasons alone. The shallowness of them makes for a loss of integrity.

People we consider friends at times mistake our intentions, and read us wrong, especially as aspies, interpreting our motivations in a certain manner. That does not make them correct, knowing and understanding yourself is a better practise. And it will eventually lead to friends who appreciate you for who you are.

 

[Thinx]

You sound great, don't worry what some high maintenance guy who drinks whisky thinks, he doesn't know you.

In NT terms, when someone says they like something you are supposed to say something positive about the thing they like , rather than your true opinion btw. 'Yay I like a man who likes his whisky' may have been a more positive response, if you wanted this whisky drinking lager swilling narcissist to chat with you further.

Also, you could have come back to his response with light humour, for example, I may be high maintenance but I m also gorgeous, fit and looking to meet a whisky drinker!

Yawn. Maybe you could meet someone who shares some interests with you, in a class or interest group? Then there's something interesting to talk about.

 

[paloftoon]

You sound great, don't worry what some high maintenance guy who drinks whisky thinks, he doesn't know you.

In NT terms, when someone says they like something you are supposed to say something positive about the thing they like , rather than your true opinion btw. 'Yay I like a man who likes his whisky' may have been a more positive response, if you wanted this whisky drinking lager swilling narcissist to chat with you further.

Also, you could have come back to his response with light humour, for example, I may be high maintenance but I m also gorgeous, fit and looking to meet a whisky drinker!

Yawn. Maybe you could meet someone who shares some interests with you, in a class or interest group? Then there's something interesting to talk about.

Thank you all. While true, it was apparent he did not think I was physically good looking. So, he would've just rebutted it. I could sense that from the context and the vibe. There were other people in the chat he was instantly attracted to. He also wasn't familiar with the dynamics of the chat. So, one of the slightly muscular people attracted to him was like half way around the world, lol. And the video streamer definitely wasn't a millionaire.

 

[Moonhart44]

i'm not gay. this is a pre-context

i think that gay men have it the hardest for dating because it seems that its very visually driven in the community, and that it seems like less people are interested in settling down. i had to google the maximum bmi u put up, and its not even fat enough to be called fat. but i undrestand that being fat in teh "gay world" is not the same, or so i'm told. i am also from hollywood so that could affect how i see, of things people have told me. in virginia it seems different, but its also weird because the gay people i have met seem racially segreated, as in the white gays stick with each other and are racist against blcks (this is how my job was before a mass quitting: the manager there was gay and only allowed white gay males in the shop, while ostracizing anyone who tried to get in, including myself, and they were racist against our old clientele, who were black.)

 

[lateundiagnosed]

i'm not gay. this is a pre-context

i think that gay men have it the hardest for dating because it seems that its very visually driven in the community, and that it seems like less people are interested in settling down. i had to google the maximum bmi u put up, and its not even fat enough to be called fat. but i undrestand that being fat in teh "gay world" is not the same, or so i'm told. i am also from hollywood so that could affect how i see, of things people have told me. in virginia it seems different, but its also weird because the gay people i have met seem racially segreated, as in the white gays stick with each other and are racist against blcks (this is how my job was before a mass quitting: the manager there was gay and only allowed white gay males in the shop, while ostracizing anyone who tried to get in, including myself, and they were racist against our old clientele, who were black.)

me neither, having worked at a school before ,you run into it a lot.