Feeling alone in a sea with seemingly no options

[kazmen17]

I miss intimacy with another person to have someone to hug, hold hands with, and share my struggles in a deeply personal way that I can't with anyone else. I miss that connection to fall back on, but I also feel like I'm almost not allowed to. The only place I meet others is work where they're either a coworker or a customer. I did meet someone last year, and we still see each other sometimes outside of my job, but even if we got together, I don't think it would be best in the long run. We listen to different music, we have different goals and different values. It's probably best we remain friends.

I'm almost 30. I still have time, but that doesn't mean it'll get any easier to find someone. I want a family of my own, a house, a dog, and someone to grow and learn with. It's not easy for me to break out of my shell though. All of my girlfriends before this had been somewhat spontaneous happenings, where we didn't go on any official dates at first or plan for anything to happen. However, I don't have anyone in my life now that I could have such a spontaneous connection with. They're all ace, gay, or don't want kids, sometimes all three.

While I don't want kids right or even necessarily soon, I want to possibility of having kids with someone I care about. I want a connection to truly let me know that I am not alone and there is someone I can trust and fall back on when I am overwhelmed by the world around me. It's been four years since I had a connection like that and what hurt the most was they left me to almost immediately get married after they left me. Although I'm glad now I no longer have them in my life, I still haven't filled what seems to be missing from my heart.

 

[Miska]

What have you been doing to put yourself out there to meet like-minded potential mates?

 

[Slime_Punk]

If you're not the type to go to parties or bars (that's pretty much what people in my neck of the woods do), you could always try online dating. I've really only had one relationship that occurred 'spontaneously', but the ones I was able to meet way after talking about interests and values were the better ones., honestly.

 

[kazmen17]

I've asked several people out over the past few years. Most said yes, but it didn't really go anywhere. I've had a few dates and people interested, but there were always dealbreakers for one of us. The last person I went on a date with ended up becoming an addict.

Dating apps like Tinder and Match haven't worked for me very well in the past (although that might be due to the local population around me). I wouldn't mind trying online dating again, I suppose. I'm not really all that social online typically.

All of this is honestly outside the norm for me. I don't frequent social media much anymore, but it feels like the only way I can seem to find people outside my current friend group and community to relate to.

 

[Dagan]

If you have friends you can trust to set you up with an acquaintance of theirs, it's not the worst option. You just have to make sure you really trust said friends in doing so...trust that they know the difference between someone "looking to date" compared to someone "desperate" and that sort of thing.

Online dating is seemingly everyone's go-to option the past ten years. I would advise that in your dating bio you should clearly state what you will or will not accept in a potential partner. It is a great way to weed out the red flag types.

Myself, though, I am not doing either of the above. I'm playing the long game of just not searching and instead, I will try to pay better attention when in the few public places that I frequent. I think it will be better for me to possibly find someone who likes what I like and such. I think that in my younger years, I was focused more on affection and thought that was what I craved. It wasn't the case. The physical part of any relationship just isn't the bulk of the time spent together. Intimacy in full - mind and core (soul) of a gal - are going to be more important and lasting. This is my theory, anyway. I'm sure life has curves to throw me.

 

[Forest Cat]

We listen to different music, we have different goals and different values. It's probably best we remain friends.

I just want to mention that I don't think this should stand in the way of two people being together. One thing I like in a partner is that we are different. If we were the same it could be a little boring. Goals, that depends on what kind of goals we are talking about of course, like for example if one wants kids and the other do not want kids. But anyway, best of luck with everything.

 

[Rodafina]

My mind jumped straight to the dog that you mentioned.

You could always start with the dog. They are great companions. They can also force you to get out and sometimes, if you want, they can help build relationships with others.

 

[Tom]

Welcome!

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I miss intimacy with another person to have someone to hug, hold hands with, and share my struggles in a deeply personal way that I can't with anyone else. I miss that connection to fall back on, but I also feel like I'm almost not allowed to.

Maybe I see things differently because I'm asexual, but you can still seek those connections out outside of a relationship. I have a friend who, like you, doesn't really have all that much in common with me and I don't have romantic feelings for her. However, we both really missed the feeling of touch, so we agreed to cuddle as friends, and she has talked about personal issues a few times. I don't think it would work for everyone, but it's worth considering.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You need to learn how to be vulnerable and learn how to suck it up if your offers of a date are declined. Having to learn that broke me out of my cage and set the stage for recognizing my soulmate 45 years ago.

 

[MC1Rcat]

My mind jumped straight to the dog that you mentioned.

You could always start with the dog. They are great companions. They can also force you to get out and sometimes, if you want, they can help build relationships with others.

I think this is good advice. Whenever I walk my friend's dog, people talk to me on the street about the dog or want to pet him, etc. I think being in public with a dog can be a great way to meet people. Also, I have learned a lot about relationships, love and what I am willing to give to a relationship/ what I need to improve on, from having a pet for over 16 years. Getting a pet is a great first step in my opinion

 

[Rodafina]

Also, I have learned a lot about relationships, love and what I am willing to give to a relationship/ what I need to improve on, from having a pet for over 16 years

Absolutely. Likewise.

I’ve learned so much about long term relationships from my dogs. Especially accepting that neither of us need to be perfect and no longer expecting that I will be. Also, just learning what happens to a relationship over a long period of time, and knowing that I can learn new things about my dog even after a decade. Valuable lessons that can apply to human relationships as well.

 

[Miska]

I've asked several people out over the past few years. Most said yes, but it didn't really go anywhere. I've had a few dates and people interested, but there were always dealbreakers for one of us. The last person I went on a date with ended up becoming an addict.

Dating apps like Tinder and Match haven't worked for me very well in the past (although that might be due to the local population around me). I wouldn't mind trying online dating again, I suppose. I'm not really all that social online typically.

All of this is honestly outside the norm for me. I don't frequent social media much anymore, but it feels like the only way I can seem to find people outside my current friend group and community to relate to.

I recommend diving into your special interests locally. Don’t go into it with the goal of a love match. Go to make friends. The more friends you make the more connections you make and the more opportunities to meet people you connect with deeply.

That, if you are open, can lead to beautiful possibilities.

Some meetup groups of like minded folks will occasionally have single people events- not to force ratings but again- to provide opportunities.

 

[Jacks Brain]

Dogs can be a lot of responsibility and the owner needs to have a good living situation for them. Many people pick a dog based on looks and - what do you know - it's a working breed with a particular set of needs that make it unsuitable to be a pet.

If you decide to try a dog, it's likely you can pick one up for free from the local shelter, with all the shots done and already neutered. I found two freebies at my shelter and got their sister for $25. The shelter's website had a few different ways to sort the dogs - I looked at the ones that had been there the longest, because I figured they were getting put down soon. Almost all of them get put down. The longer the dogs are there, the cheaper they get; until the shelter is giving them away for free. At least, that's how mine did it.

My shelter does trial adoptions and has an area for people to spend time with the dogs so they can decide if they really want the dog or not.

It's not easy to get rid of a dog if you decide you don't want it. Most people are stretched to the limit financially and the shelters are full from all the people who already dumped their dogs.

 

[kazmen17]

I actually have two dogs, and they mean a lot to me, but it isn't the same as having someone close in my life that I share secrets with or cuddle or even just exist closely and watch something peacefully together. I used to have that, but it's been three years now since I've had anyone like that in my life, and when they appear they seem to leave not long after.

I could probably try to look into more groups or outings to meet people with my interests though. The area has grown a lot since I last tried that, so maybe there are some new avenues out there I hadn't thought about.

 

[Jacks Brain]

I've heard most men are having this problem now. The top 1% of men on the dating apps are getting the top 80% of the women. I mean hooking up and smashing constantly. The bottom 99% of men are left to fight over the bottom 20% of women. If you're not a top 1% man, you can either try to get there or check out and enjoy the single life.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I’ve learned so much about long term relationships from my dogs.

Flipping that around, I think you can tell a lot about how someone is with love by how they treat their pets. Not surprising, really, but you do get a nice, direct, simple idea of how they would be as a partner. I certainly see that in the people I've been in relationships with.

 

[Rodafina]

Flipping that around, I think you can tell a lot about how someone is with love by how they treat their pets. Not surprising, really, but you do get a nice, direct, simple idea of how they would be as a partner. I certainly see that in the people I've been in relationships with.

Oh heck yeah. Great point.