Fear of Clear Instructions

[WereBear]

Is it me? Or will some people never, upon pain of death, simply say what they want, or what needs to be done? And will they ever stop giving me a hard time because I don’t hint for hours instead of just saying what I want?

I had to chain up my kayaks in a new place, so I went to the hardware store with my brother, and I thought I did great: appreciated clerk’s suggestion for plastic coated chain, thanked him for taking care of the situation, and left my brother to wrap that up while I got a padlock.

After, I was told “way to talk to him like you were a drill instructor.”

WUT? Because I stated what I want in clear language? Instead of suggesting and hinting and waiting waiting waiting for the right thing to come along so I can kind of indicate it and we can all flap around it like a gaffed game fish in the bottom of a boat while the humming and screeching and HORRIBLE echoey warehouse at the hardware store takes an emery board to my last nerve?

Suuuuuure. That’s better.

We would never have gotten to the moon with that kind of attitude, all I’m saying.

 

[Suzanne]

Am I missing something? Because your title does not fit your explanation. In fact, it seems you are in fear of long winded instructions, rather than just stating what is meant? Anyway, that is how I am and have been told by even strangers to please listen and pay attention and yet, I already know what they are saying and just want to get on with what ever it is, I am supposed to be doing.

I think partially it is me being a female; automatically seen as not so intelligent.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Is it me? Or will some people never, upon pain of death, simply say what they want, or what needs to be done? And will they ever stop giving me a hard time because I don’t hint for hours instead of just saying what I want?

I had to chain up my kayaks in a new place, so I went to the hardware store with my brother, and I thought I did great: appreciated clerk’s suggestion for plastic coated chain, thanked him for taking care of the situation, and left my brother to wrap that up while I got a padlock.

After, I was told “way to talk to him like you were a drill instructor.”

WUT? Because I stated what I want in clear language? Instead of suggesting and hinting and waiting waiting waiting for the right thing to come along so I can kind of indicate it and we can all flap around it like a gaffed game fish in the bottom of a boat while the humming and screeching and HORRIBLE echoey warehouse at the hardware store takes an emery board to my last nerve?

Suuuuuure. That’s better.

We would never have gotten to the moon with typical Neurotypicals, all I’m saying.

Key word "brother "

 

[WereBear]

I was giving the clerk clear instructions. Which my brother saw as rude.

But this was one small incident in a mountain of such. It’s like my whole life is that of a graphic designer dealing with a client. The client doesn’t know what they want and they cannot explain what it looks like. They only know how to complain that they haven’t seen it yet.

 

[Judge]

I was giving the clerk clear instructions. Which my brother saw as rude.

But this was one small incident in a mountain of such. It’s like my whole life is that of a graphic designer dealing with a client. The client doesn’t know what they want and they cannot explain what it looks like. They only know how to complain that they haven’t seen it yet.

Can't tell you how many times I had to deal with such a dynamic while advising outside developers of ideas for website designs for software games. Where the wanted "something" but couldn't seem to articulate beyond that.

LOL....not something my brother would have been aware of either.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

They only know how to complain that they haven’t seen it yet

Hah. I'll know what I want when I see it!

Forgive them for they know not what they do , meaning :

Don't ever try explaining it to them.

I've made that mistake.

 

[SunnyDay16]

It might be a sexist king of thing. It's not as socially acceptable for women to be direct. They're encouraged to hint and suggest.

 

[Mary Anne]

Is it me? Or will some people never, upon pain of death, simply say what they want, or what needs to be done? And will they ever stop giving me a hard time because I don’t hint for hours instead of just saying what I want?

I had to chain up my kayaks in a new place, so I went to the hardware store with my brother, and I thought I did great: appreciated clerk’s suggestion for plastic coated chain, thanked him for taking care of the situation, and left my brother to wrap that up while I got a padlock.

After, I was told “way to talk to him like you were a drill instructor.”

WUT? Because I stated what I want in clear language? Instead of suggesting and hinting and waiting waiting waiting for the right thing to come along so I can kind of indicate it and we can all flap around it like a gaffed game fish in the bottom of a boat while the humming and screeching and HORRIBLE echoey warehouse at the hardware store takes an emery board to my last nerve?

Suuuuuure. That’s better.

We would never have gotten to the moon with typical Neurotypicals, all I’m saying.

I work pt in one of those huge “horrible echoey warehouse” home stores. I am not sure what you mean. How exactly did you ask? Maybe the problem lies with the brother’s perception? It would be interesting to hear both your descriptions of what happened.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

In slightly different contexts I have said,in frustration :

Just say whatever it is you want to do . Then we'll do that.

That wasn't nice either apparently. You're supposed to go through this elaborate process. "The guessing game" every time.

 

[rainfall]

This absolutely drives me nuts. I feel your frustration for it is my own.

My brother and I are alike when it comes to being clear, direct, honest and such. My mom and so many others, not so much. She'll go round and round what she means and when I point it out, gets upset that I did and calls me mean. I'll admit, sometimes I'm just exasperated, but usually I'm calm.

She's nowhere near the only one but an easy example. I don't understand the need for the dance but have to participate for various reasons with others. I get why, the constant checking for feelings and such, but sheesh.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Just say whatever it is you want to do . Then we'll do that.

Yes, yes, yes! There's nothing rude about that- the problem is they don't know what they want so they can't tell you. Drop the guessing game and do what you want. That's my solution.

 

[WereBear]

I work pt in one of those huge “horrible echoey warehouse” home stores. I am not sure what you mean. How exactly did you ask? Maybe the problem quads with the brother’s perception? It would be interesting to hear both your descriptions of what happened.

He couldn’t explain. Which is another maddening thing about it.

 

[Gracey]

Many, many times @WereBear.

When I know exactly what I want to buy, I buy it.
If the store assistant is there to get it for me, get it.
(Unless they are going to let me wander into the storeroom and get it myself)

I can’t see much wrong with the above so far.

My husband informs me it’s the way I say things and not necessarily what I say.


Not long ago I approached the counter in a hardware store and was attended by the female assistant.

I pointed to the rack of chisels behind the counter and let the assistant know I wanted the 3/4” ‘Stanley’ (brand) please,
Even gave direction (2nd row down, 3rd from the left, 3/4” Stanley please.

It was taking her a while to process. A male assistant came over with his apron on (very authentic, love it) and asked; looking directly at the woman, if everything was okay.

She replied “chisel” and looked at me.
He asked me “what’s it for?”

I should have said, “hanging my door” but said “chiselling “ instead.

In a fraction of one second my husband took over and said “hanging a door mate”

I walked out of the shop to the car.

Husband came along with my chisel and gave me ‘the eyebrows’
Not literally, just raised eyebrows and a smirk.

This is code for a mickey take. A bit of a joke.
He could get the chisel and I couldn’t

Apparently I’d flummoxed the first assistant with my direct directions and annoyed the second one with my snarky reply.


I’m considering handing over written instruction next time.
Everyone’s a winner.

 

[WereBear]

Reminds me of the time I was in a donut shop, and directed the clerk —moving from the left top to the bottom right— all the donuts I wanted in order. She was amazed and said “I’ve never done it so fast before.”

The thing is everybody waits in line there and yet they don’t think of what donuts they want until they get to the counter. I am just flabbergasted by the lack of efficiency. Their lack of thinking.

 

[Gracey]

Or the shoppers who still act surprised; after putting their shopping through the scanners and packing,
that they have to dig underneath the shopping and rummage around in handbags or jacket pockets to find a wallet or purse in order to pay for shopping.

I love these people
That moment when they stand looking at the packed shopping knowing there’s another step to the process but they haven’t quite hooked it.

And then the penny drops.
Out comes the wallet/purse and apologies to waiting customers

If I don’t have the exact money or closest notes to total ready before the last of the items are through and packed then wheel me off to a nursing home, I’ve lost my efficiency along with my marbles.

 

[WereBear]

The check writers who don't even pull out the checkbook until the total is done. You can write that date and all while you are waiting!

Some of this is individual, too. Like my MIL loved to go to the store to see purchases in person, touch them, etc. but this takes all day. I would rather order online.

To me, I’m being helpful with clear requests.

 

[Gracey]

The check writers who don't even pull out the checkbook until the total is done. You can write that date and all while you are waiting!

Some of this is individual, too. Like my MIL loved to go to the store to see purchases in person, touch them, etc. but this takes all day. I would rather order online.

To me, I’m being helpful with clear requests.

I personally can’t see a problem with precision, like you, I am ‘thinking’ for them.
They only have to follow direction.
Easy.

Or not.
Apparently it’s my delivery of instruction that creates a situation.

Funny old world innit?

 

[Shamar]

Is it me? Or will some people never, upon pain of death, simply say what they want, or what needs to be done? And will they ever stop giving me a hard time because I don’t hint for hours instead of just saying what I want?

I had to chain up my kayaks in a new place, so I went to the hardware store with my brother, and I thought I did great: appreciated clerk’s suggestion for plastic coated chain, thanked him for taking care of the situation, and left my brother to wrap that up while I got a padlock.

After, I was told “way to talk to him like you were a drill instructor.”

WUT? Because I stated what I want in clear language? Instead of suggesting and hinting and waiting waiting waiting for the right thing to come along so I can kind of indicate it and we can all flap around it like a gaffed game fish in the bottom of a boat while the humming and screeching and HORRIBLE echoey warehouse at the hardware store takes an emery board to my last nerve?

Suuuuuure. That’s better.

We would never have gotten to the moon with typical Neurotypicals, all I’m saying.

I have no fear of giving clear instructions. In general, I try to communicate clearly and precisely, using the words which best express what I am trying to say. Neither do I have a problem with getting clear instructions. I just wish it would happen once in a while. Aspies seem to have a problem with verbal communication. At least I do. I can be told something, and agree with the person saying it what the meaning of each word is. Yet the message I get can be completely different from what the speaker intended. Not understanding the subtleties of intonation, facial expression, and body language can really mess me up.

Some things I can figure out. If someone is trying to punch me out, I understand there is a serious disagreement between us. If someone is jumping up and down while screaming and pulling his hair out, I understand he is upset about something (probably me). If I'm at a party and a woman sits down on my lap, puts her lips against mine, and proceeds to try and suck my teeth out, I understand she likes me and sex later is a good possibility. Unless I do or say something stupid. Anything more subtle than these and I will more than likely miss something.

 

[Progster]

It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong. It's your kayak, your gear, you are paying for it so you're entitled to give others instructions as to what you need done with it. As you said, you listened to the suggestion, thanked them, you were polite, so I don't see what the problem is.

Countless times I've ordered a coffee or a meal, and then received them not how I asked for them or wanted them - why shouldn't I be able to give instructions as to how I want them? Why should I have to pay for and consume a product that they got wrong, such as a coffee with sugar in it when I ordered one without sugar?

 

[onlything]

Most of the time, it's not really what you say but how. I was told many times that there is just something in the tone of my voice that makes what I say either rude or highly intimidating. Just not friendly enough. But guessing game is just not for me and I get lost in it too easily. Even easier to get bored out of my mind too. I do try to sound more 'friendly' but even if it seems to make people around so at ease, it feels really shallow and fake.

All this playing around seems so petty, like such a waste most of the time. Why are people against short, clear, precise instructions so much?