Faking it

[JMcCauley]

I know we all do it, as aspies we construct this NT suit that convincingly fills the gaps between Asperger's and normalcy. Mine is so huge it has, to some extent, become fused with my real self so it's hard to tell what's real and what's fake.

I function as almost completely NT, and no one who I ever met before my current psychiatrist ever had a clue that I wasn't normal.

But I feel like I'm going to fall apart more and more all the time. On the inside I'm cripplingly depressed, I am overloaded by everything all the time, I feel like I can't communicate with anyone, and I just want to lay in bed and die. Every day though, I get up and pretend I can
cope, I talk to my wife about whatever and listen to her talk about whatever, and I just want to cry, I think, though I've never really cried before. I sit there making facial expressions and moving my body around and exhausting
amount just to appear normal. I eat things I'm not crazy about, sleep when I don't want to. I pretend I can understand whatever the hell people are saying with all their gestures and idioms and whatever else.

On the inside I feel like a lost child, caught up in some game I don't know how to play. I don't even know what's me anymore and what's just part if my facade.

I sit here alone, when I NEVER want to be alone, and wonder if I'll ever be allowed to stop faking it. If I'll ever be allowed to just exist.

 

[Ylva]

This is an interesting set of self-knowledge exercises:

Living Luminously - Less Wrong

 

[DogwoodTree]

I hear you. I struggle with the same kinds of things. I don't know the solution...just keep moving. I think eventually pieces of the facade will drop away and we can each be more our real selves...an adventure in discovery. And as we're more genuine, we can, I hope, (re)connect with that outside world.

 

[Suzanne]

Pretty much how it is with me, but I can cry and do, often.

It is hard for me to understand how NT's think, because when they tell me how to behave etc, I find it so illogical and unreasoning that I just say: I shall have to think about that some more and get the: I have helped her see reason, type of smug look.

My husband is the worst for trying to reason with me, on things I think he is so incorrect about. But because I am the "problem" he refuses to see my reasoning.

Yes, I go into mental shutdowns, where as far as I am concerned, I never want to see another NT again. I am surrounded by them and often want to scream.

What gets lost is my PEACEFUL nature, because I am so angry with how UNREASONABLE NT's are.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean - I have to spend 4-6 hours a day interacting with people for work, and even though I manage it and often get positive feedback, I face each day with a feeling of anxiety and dread, and feel very tired afterwards. It makes no sense to others that I should feel this way, and have anxiety over what seems to them like nothing, as they enjoy the talking and interaction. When I'm working I adopt a role and a new personality and must try to hide my true self, I feel like I'm an actor constantly on stage. People don't get just how hard and tiring talking to people is for me.

 

[epath13]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Hope you can find your way through the apparent "normalcy" of this world.
As for faking, apparently I can't... I tried but it's all leaking through the seams. My behavior, my face, my words reflect what's inside. The problem is, people often misinterpret what they see