Extreme humiliation from how I look in public and extreme compensation

[Regretfully Diagnosed]

When I was first diagnosed with autism I was told a lot (talked at) that autistics do not have good hygeine, do not know how to dress and do not understand how others perceive them. One of the "therapists" who In was first assigned to was really one who loved to berate me about everything I did. When I told him I no longer wanted to see him he got very abusive and said "Well if you do not see me, how will you know basic skills like how to keep your body clean?"

This happened repeatedly. I got stuck in an autistic vocational program that brow-beat me daily about how bad I was at understanding how people perceived me. They forced me to watch "educational videos" that basically told me not to show up to work naked or without shoes. I was often told autistics were slobs etc.

The result of this is I feel extreme shame and disgrace every time I leave my house in a t-shirt and jeans. Despite this being normal attire for people. I can't get over my extreme self-hatred for this. I can't get over how many times people (not my peers, but professionals) told me autistics don't understand how to present themselves.

The result is I can't go out in public without spending a lot of time on how I look. I just feel so filthy, so loathsome, so sub-human by default. I am sure no matter how hard I try, I will never look good enough, because my teachers and therapists told me I was no good at looking okay.


So this is me going to a grocery store to pick up a bag of dog food:

After a long shower, I shave with a straight blade and apply a mild fragrance. I put on a shirt with good solid blue stripes and a bankers collar. I then dawn either an ascot orm a necktie before I put on my tailored silk-wool suit and my recently polished wingtips. I then put on a classic men's fedora and go out and buy my dog food.


Being identified as on the autism spectrum has resulted in me feeling so ashamed of my ability to dress that I can't seem to go outside without dressing in the most extreme of men's fashion, less someone call me unkempt.

While I actually enjoy dressing nicely, I find it is really killing me to have to put on a three piece of double breasted suit every time I go to the store or even go out to the mailbox.
I do this because I was abused so badly and talked down to so much by "professionals" in autism therapy who kept brow-beating me about hygiene and appearance.
Now, no matter how hard I try, I can't feel anything but shame and disgrace if anyone sees me and I'm not dressed like I'm heading to the Oscars.
Does anyone else have this problem?


I spend hundreds of dollars a month on tailors and dry cleaners.


I feel 100% confident nobody can ever tell me I don't have good dress and hygiene. I mean I pay a barber a lot of money to give me a haircut every week. I get my shoes shined constantly.


On summer days I am drenched in sweat, because my wool blend suit is not well suited to going out to walk the dog or take out the trash. It sucks. But I am so hyper-senstive to being called autistic based on how I look, the idea of wearing a t-shirt in public seems impossible.


Before I go anywhere that another person can see me I look in the mirror and need to think "This guy is someone nobody can ever call a slob or underdressed. This guy looks like he is headed for a very important business meeting"
If I do not do this I think people might see me and think I am a filthy slob and autistic.
The problem is it costs me so much money. It's clearly over-compensating, but the sheer pain I feel for being potentially called under-dressed and therefore autistic dominates my life.
So yeah... hundreds of dollars each week at the dry cleaners and tailors.


Does anyone else have this problem?

 

[Aspychata]

They have new suits that are a tailored poly, lightweight, easy to clean, and very very sharp looking. They are considered travel suits because they travel so well. I know someone who went to a professional interview in one.

 

[Fino]

You need years of good cognitive behavior therapy. For starters, what's the worst that could happen if you go outside and people think you look like a filthy slob?

 

[Au Naturel]

When I was first diagnosed with autism I was told a lot (talked at) that autistics do not have good hygeine, do not know how to dress and do not understand how others perceive them. One of the "therapists" who In was first assigned to was really one who loved to berate me about everything I did. When I told him I no longer wanted to see him he got very abusive and said "Well if you do not see me, how will you know basic skills like how to keep your body clean?"

This happened repeatedly. I got stuck in an autistic vocational program that brow-beat me daily about how bad I was at understanding how people perceived me. They forced me to watch "educational videos" that basically told me not to show up to work naked or without shoes. I was often told autistics were slobs etc.

The result of this is I feel extreme shame and disgrace every time I leave my house in a t-shirt and jeans. Despite this being normal attire for people. I can't get over my extreme self-hatred for this. I can't get over how many times people (not my peers, but professionals) told me autistics don't understand how to present themselves.

The result is I can't go out in public without spending a lot of time on how I look. I just feel so filthy, so loathsome, so sub-human by default. I am sure no matter how hard I try, I will never look good enough, because my teachers and therapists told me I was no good at looking okay.


So this is me going to a grocery store to pick up a bag of dog food:

After a long shower, I shave with a straight blade and apply a mild fragrance. I put on a shirt with good solid blue stripes and a bankers collar. I then dawn either an ascot orm a necktie before I put on my tailored silk-wool suit and my recently polished wingtips. I then put on a classic men's fedora and go out and buy my dog food.


Being identified as on the autism spectrum has resulted in me feeling so ashamed of my ability to dress that I can't seem to go outside without dressing in the most extreme of men's fashion, less someone call me unkempt.

While I actually enjoy dressing nicely, I find it is really killing me to have to put on a three piece of double breasted suit every time I go to the store or even go out to the mailbox.
I do this because I was abused so badly and talked down to so much by "professionals" in autism therapy who kept brow-beating me about hygiene and appearance.
Now, no matter how hard I try, I can't feel anything but shame and disgrace if anyone sees me and I'm not dressed like I'm heading to the Oscars.
Does anyone else have this problem?


I spend hundreds of dollars a month on tailors and dry cleaners.


I feel 100% confident nobody can ever tell me I don't have good dress and hygiene. I mean I pay a barber a lot of money to give me a haircut every week. I get my shoes shined constantly.


On summer days I am drenched in sweat, because my wool blend suit is not well suited to going out to walk the dog or take out the trash. It sucks. But I am so hyper-senstive to being called autistic based on how I look, the idea of wearing a t-shirt in public seems impossible.


Before I go anywhere that another person can see me I look in the mirror and need to think "This guy is someone nobody can ever call a slob or underdressed. This guy looks like he is headed for a very important business meeting"
If I do not do this I think people might see me and think I am a filthy slob and autistic.
The problem is it costs me so much money. It's clearly over-compensating, but the sheer pain I feel for being potentially called under-dressed and therefore autistic dominates my life.
So yeah... hundreds of dollars each week at the dry cleaners and tailors.


Does anyone else have this problem?

The things you worry about do not matter to anyone but you. The nasty people who berated you are simply nasty people and need to be discarded from your life.

The real issue is why you are so fixated on what other people think. Why punish yourself for what you imagine is in other people's minds? Do you see someone dressed casually and think, "OMG what a horrible slob! They must be autistic!" If you do, that must be the only thing occupying your mind because most of the people you meet will be dressed casually. Often quite sloppily.

Stop clinging to this abusive past with such tenacity. Start intentionally dressing down a bit. Eventually, you'll realize nobody else gives a hoot. And seek out a useful, nonabusive therapist.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Honestly, I've been doing the same all my life and mostly mine stems from social anxiety, since I didn't even know I had ASD up until a few years ago. I'm always overcompensating for the way I look, trying to prove my competency to the world in other ways and ultimately, failing, somehow. All the time.

At the end of the day, I think it's an internal battle more than anything else (or at least, mine is). Trying to prove to others that you're well-dressed, super smart (that's my hangup), or whatever else will ultimately fail when you're laser-focused on what you feel you lack. Maybe the real way through is to do the opposite and prove to yourself that you can live through it. Easier said than done, obviously. I can't bring myself to do it, either.

Subhumanism sounds like something I suffer from, too.