MaybeNotWhoKnows
Active Member
I have always, and continue to, have problems with executive functioning. It is incredibly frustrating. Its like my mind is not capable of taking multiple moving parts and uniting them into a cohesive whole. I know all of the things I am supposed to do, I know how to do each individual thing, but somehow I can't do them all, continuously, at the same time, and not lose my mind.
Ok, so have you seen those people that spin plates on top of poles? And they have to make sure each plate keeps spinning or it will wobble and crash. It's as if I am the spinner, and each and every mundane adult task, thing I have to remember, thing I need to do, stimulus and change in expectation adds a new plate, and I have to keep them all moving, but they start wobbling and I frantically run around trying to fix them, but as I focus on steadying one, the rest start falling, and crashing.
If I need or want to focus on doing something, and I want to do it right, it needs to be the only thing occupying my attention. I can't shift readily between different sets of words, trains of thought, tasks and processes. This means that any distraction, any thing I see that reminds me of something I need to do, any disruption to my process has the potential to completely wreck everything. I have tried SO hard, tried everything, I try so freaking hard, but I have no idea how to improve this issue. I have had to do some uncomfortable prioritizing. Any time I have held a job in the past, basically everything else was neglected in order to do my work well. This means (with very limited exception) no phone calls, no appointments, no social life, no cleaning up, very minimal self care. Every day was pour my everything into work, then distract. Getting engrossed in something interesting/entertaining to me is often the only thing that keeps my discordant thoughts from tearing each other apart. Because every time I start thinking about the "everything"- all of the things I need to do, should do, but don't have the mental or physical energy to take care of, I get extremely overwhelmed, and get stuck in a panic loop.
Now I am taking better care of myself, my environment, and maintaining a few personal relationships. But just that takes everything I have and more. I am scared I will never be able to hold a job, have a life and in general be a functional adult human.
The only thing I have found that kind of helps is writing down each individual step of complex tasks and following the list. My getting ready list, if I do not follow it, I invariably forget at least one step, usually several. This doesn't help with my energy, mental flexibility or distractibility, but it does eliminate the need for me to hold each step in my mind, remember them and put them together.
There are so many things I could do, things that could and would help me, I have heard and tried everything I know of, but taking on a new thing, even one that would help me, can jeopardize everything else I am trying to hold together.
I would appreciate hearing about similar experiences, what helps you, ideas or anything else that could help.
Thanks!
Ok, so have you seen those people that spin plates on top of poles? And they have to make sure each plate keeps spinning or it will wobble and crash. It's as if I am the spinner, and each and every mundane adult task, thing I have to remember, thing I need to do, stimulus and change in expectation adds a new plate, and I have to keep them all moving, but they start wobbling and I frantically run around trying to fix them, but as I focus on steadying one, the rest start falling, and crashing.
If I need or want to focus on doing something, and I want to do it right, it needs to be the only thing occupying my attention. I can't shift readily between different sets of words, trains of thought, tasks and processes. This means that any distraction, any thing I see that reminds me of something I need to do, any disruption to my process has the potential to completely wreck everything. I have tried SO hard, tried everything, I try so freaking hard, but I have no idea how to improve this issue. I have had to do some uncomfortable prioritizing. Any time I have held a job in the past, basically everything else was neglected in order to do my work well. This means (with very limited exception) no phone calls, no appointments, no social life, no cleaning up, very minimal self care. Every day was pour my everything into work, then distract. Getting engrossed in something interesting/entertaining to me is often the only thing that keeps my discordant thoughts from tearing each other apart. Because every time I start thinking about the "everything"- all of the things I need to do, should do, but don't have the mental or physical energy to take care of, I get extremely overwhelmed, and get stuck in a panic loop.
Now I am taking better care of myself, my environment, and maintaining a few personal relationships. But just that takes everything I have and more. I am scared I will never be able to hold a job, have a life and in general be a functional adult human.
The only thing I have found that kind of helps is writing down each individual step of complex tasks and following the list. My getting ready list, if I do not follow it, I invariably forget at least one step, usually several. This doesn't help with my energy, mental flexibility or distractibility, but it does eliminate the need for me to hold each step in my mind, remember them and put them together.
There are so many things I could do, things that could and would help me, I have heard and tried everything I know of, but taking on a new thing, even one that would help me, can jeopardize everything else I am trying to hold together.
I would appreciate hearing about similar experiences, what helps you, ideas or anything else that could help.
Thanks!