Empathy

[Ylva]

True. Most NTs only empathise with people who feel they way they would have felt anyway. Everyone else are "psychopaths" and that makes it the other person's fault that they can't empathise with them…

Same as when some guy accuses you of having NO sense of humour, he means that you don't have HIS sense of humour, or possibly just that you're not falling for his ********.

 

[Jerome]

I've been told aspies have no empathy but I think in this area the professionals may have it wrong. I think aspies have so much empathy that we MUST turn it off to survive. I think many have learned to turn it off and on for this reason. What do you think ?

I have to agree with turning it on and turning it off. I used marijuana to accomplish this effect. I did feel intensely. The problem I had was processing it. The family situation I grew up in was not very healthy. There was very little love and affection expressed in the home, so I never learned empathy as a behavior. I would push these feelings down and keep them to myself. Ufortunately, these suppressed emotions would come out in explosive rage. Once I started smoking maijuana my rage subsided. However, this led to my addiction to alcohol and other drugs. when I got into recovery I found that I could feel empathy for those who were in active addiction and early recovery. As a result, I have helped hundreds of people in recovery and am learning empathy for people in general. So I see this as both a blessing and a curse. I used to get taken advantage of a lot, so I deduced it would be better not to feel. Spock from Star Trek became my role model. When I got to treatment they gave me the MMPI test and had me talk to a psychiatrist. Her diagnosis was that I lacked empathy to such a degree that I had become a virtual sociopath who could kill or maim someone and feel no remorse whatsoever. When confronted with this I agreed I thought about those things, but my heart would never allow me to do them. I told them that I was void of emotion, but that my heart had been broken so many times that it was hanging on by a thread, and if it suffered one more break I would be able to do those things I only thought about. Today, I was marveling at how far I had come. Empathy isn't always there, but my sponsor told me loving actions are more important than loving feelings. So I practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of love. Karma does the rest. In the past years, I have taken care of my mother and two of my sisters. Pretty good for a sociopath!

 

[Jerome]

I've been told aspies have no empathy but I think in this area the professionals may have it wrong. I think aspies have so much empathy that we MUST turn it off to survive. I think many have learned to turn it off and on for this reason. What do you think ?

One other note on empathy. Whever I watch Youtube videos about Aspergers I tend to cry. These tears come from a sense of relief of knowing I am not alone. They are the same tears I cried when I came to AA. and, no, I am not a crier....LOL

 

[islandria]

Hey I just watched a video on empathy by a well spoken aspie. It makes perfect sense to me.

She postulates that aspies have empathy for one another and NTs have empathy for one another.

I think the problem is, is that on top of everything we are trying to do constantly (in a world full of NTs), they are expecting us to have empathy for the very people that have rejected us (and continue to because they don't understand). NTs don't have this problem together. They seem to get along (quite well at times.)

There's nobody telling them to have empathy for us. (But then again, they don't recognize us and we recognize both NTs and fellow aspies.)

It's an uneven playing field and we are out numbered.

Just some thoughts.

 

[Ylva]

They want us to have Stockholm Syndrome. They think they are not privileged compared to us, yet they will not grant us personhood.

 

[Atay]

You see? It really IS confusing to me one way or another. Very frustrating.

Are you able to feel sad for yourself if something doesn't go well? I don't mean self-critical, more like grieving a specific sad outcome and allowing yourself to be sad about it. I'm curious because it's my belief that they are related, but I'm still exploring the theory...

 

[Judge]

Are you able to feel sad for yourself if something doesn't go well? I don't mean self-critical, more like grieving a specific sad outcome and allowing yourself to be sad about it. I'm curious because it's my belief that they are related, but I'm still exploring the theory...

Yes, I grieve about sad outcomes at times. Interesting perspective you have.

 

[islandria]

For sure as an aspie, we empathize in ways that an NT would not see. It is like Ereth said: '..we often don't know how to express our empathy..."
I do find there are so many times I would like to know how to show empathy to my wife (who is an NT), so she can knows that how i feel about certain situations.

How do my fellow aspies handle this situation? How do you let other NT know that you empathize with them?

btw. i am new to all this. Just been diagnosed a few weeks ago, so i am still learning about all this.

I find having empathy for my NT husband very difficult. I think it has to do with me being so much in my own little aspie world and him being in the 'cold, hard, cruel' world of the NTs. Normally my husband is a very kind, considerate and empathetic man. But I am sensitive and the littlest thing throws me off. I can listen to him as long as he talks kind and slow and quietly but the minute that changes it's like I 'can't hear' him.

I expect him to be empathetic to me always, yet, he's human and has pressures on him too. It's a difficult one to navigate. For sure.

 

[Sass]

Hey I just watched a video on empathy by a well spoken aspie. It makes perfect sense to me.

She postulates that aspies have empathy for one another and NTs have empathy for one another.

I think the problem is, is that on top of everything we are trying to do constantly (in a world full of NTs), they are expecting us to have empathy for the very people that have rejected us (and continue to because they don't understand). NTs don't have this problem together. They seem to get along (quite well at times.)

There's nobody telling them to have empathy for us. (But then again, they don't recognize us and we recognize both NTs and fellow aspies.)

It's an uneven playing field and we are out numbered.

Just some thoughts.

I find the whole 'do we have empathy, us vs NTs' thing a little bit of a scary thing to be focused on. I personally feel that empathy is an individual thing. I mean yeah, NTs might appear to get along fine with eachother, but do they really? How many people murder other people every day? That would suggest a lack of empathy to me, as if they were such experts they'd be able to put themselves in their prospective victim's shoes and possibly not feel the need to take a life. There are so many different ways people are unkind to eachother, and I think everyone, NTs and ASDs included, choose to (or need to for whatever reason) either ignore/disconnect, or embrace and express that empathy. Maybe we don't do it as much, who knows, but I think drawing a line in the sand on this issue and making it us vs them just does the same thing NTs are often accused of doing to us - putting us all in a box and writing us off as wrong. I doubt very much that any of the NTs I deal with on a daily basis care whether I have empathy, nor should they. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, then it really doesn't matter. It comes down to personal relationships, or direct situations, I don't think there is any kind of global NT agenda devoted to outing us for it or expecting us to feel empathy for them. Sadly, the small, misinformed groups of people that do feel the need to use it against us are usually the loudest. I still don't feel they're representative of most people though.

 

[Manuheleku]

Hey I just watched a video on empathy by a well spoken aspie. It makes perfect sense to me.

She postulates that aspies have empathy for one another and NTs have empathy for one another.

I think the problem is, is that on top of everything we are trying to do constantly (in a world full of NTs), they are expecting us to have empathy for the very people that have rejected us (and continue to because they don't understand). NTs don't have this problem together. They seem to get along (quite well at times.)

There's nobody telling them to have empathy for us. (But then again, they don't recognize us and we recognize both NTs and fellow aspies.)

It's an uneven playing field and we are out numbered.

Just some thoughts.

What is the video, it sounds interesting?

 

[islandria]

What is the video, it sounds interesting?

It's called Empathy
by TheAnMish

 

[Manuheleku]

It's called Empathy
by TheAnMish

Thanks, I'll take a look.

 

[asman]

I find having empathy for my NT husband very difficult. I think it has to do with me being so much in my own little aspie world and him being in the 'cold, hard, cruel' world of the NTs. Normally my husband is a very kind, considerate and empathetic man. But I am sensitive and the littlest thing throws me off. I can listen to him as long as he talks kind and slow and quietly but the minute that changes it's like I 'can't hear' him.

I expect him to be empathetic to me always, yet, he's human and has pressures on him too. It's a difficult one to navigate. For sure.

Thanks for your input, islandria. I still haven't figure out how to 'act' in a way that my NT wife would feel that i have empathy or that I love her. For me the hardest part is that she doesn't feel my love

oh well...still haven't given up..still trying different things. I will let you guys know if something works for me.

 

[islandria]

[asman, post: 125993, member: 10798"]Thanks for your input, islandria. I still haven't figure out how to 'act' in a way that my NT wife would feel that i have empathy or that I love her. For me the hardest part is that she doesn't feel my love

oh well...still haven't given up..still trying different things. I will let you guys know if something works for me.[/QUOTE]

There's a book called The Five Love Languages which I've been to a workshop about.

It's not my way of thinking but I did learn that my husband's 'love language' is different than mine.

There's also a quiz you can take to find out your own love language. You're supposed to have a main one and a secondary one but my 3 high scores were split equally. Go figure. I have 3 love languages - I'm confusing.

Plus, the one that is my husband's strength is the one that I got 0 on! We are complex people.

 

[ShatteredUniverse]

Turn it around. The question isn't "Why are you trying to say that you've got Asperger's?" but "Why are you trying to say I haven't got Asperger's?". Why does it matter to her? Why doesn't she want you to have it?

I have often asked myself this question. The closest thing to an answer she's given is that if I'm *only* Bipolar, and am not autistic, I have a better chance at a "normal life". I guess that stems from the fact one can take medication to help level-out ones mood, but one can't, to my knowledge, do so to mitigate the maladaptive aspects of being an Aspie.

I'd posit, from personal experience, that being Bipolar leads to much more maladaptive behavior, and thus to far less chance of ever having a "normal life". I mean, in the course of my research, I've read repeated personal attestations about how most Aspies can't abide the thought of being violent, and yet because I'm Bipolar as well, I can be very violent (not only because of the intensity of emotion, but a pronounced impulsivity) when I'm not on my meds and in just the wrong mood.

 

[Ylva]

Recite the Litany of Tarski and the Litany of Gendlin to her.

 

[islandria]

I have often asked myself this question. The closest thing to an answer she's given is that if I'm *only* Bipolar, and autistic, I have a better chance at a "normal life". I guess that stems from the fact one can take medication to help level-out ones mood, but one can't, to my knowledge, do so to mitigate the maladaptive aspects of being an Aspie.

I'd posit, from personal experience, that being Bipolar leads to much more maladaptive behavior, and thus to far less chance of ever having a "normal life". I mean, in the course of my research, I've read repeated personal attestations about how most Aspies can't abide the thought of being violent, and yet because I'm Bipolar as well, I can be very violent (not only because of the intensity of emotion, but a pronounced impulsivity) when I'm not on my meds and in just the wrong mood.

I would agree with you. Both of my 'friends' with bipolar are difficult to befriends with because they both seem to be either'doing really well'or'doing really awful'.There's no middle ground.

The one person I've newly identified as having aspergers is really just so in her own world that she sees things from a completely different perspective that NTs just don't get.

Your relative would benefit from accepting your diagnosis completely and understanding all aspects of it.

You would benefit from not expecting too much from him/her and being kind, gentle and loving to yourself.

 

[KassieMac]

I've been told aspies have no empathy but I think in this area the professionals may have it wrong. I think aspies have so much empathy that we MUST turn it off to survive. I think many have learned to turn it off and on for this reason. What do you think ?

Actually, I disagree. Some people (including some professionals, sadly enough) say that we lack empathy, and I'm sure they even believe it. This comes from the arrogant (though disturbingly common) belief that anyone can read someone else's thoughts & feelings. I don't believe that we hide or repress our empathy (I know that I don't), but we express it in whichever way is most comfortable & natural to us. To say that we don't know how to express empathy implies that there is a narrow definition of the right way to do it, and we're doing it wrong. This is exactly the type of assumption used by those who are intolerant of anyone different, perpetuated when they only listen to people that they agree with.

I refuse to learn to act as they expect me to, because it's just that … an act. I don't have the energy to keep up the charade for the comfort of narrow-minded people who think they are superior … besides the fact that I suck at it & it's never worked for me. I believe in quality over quantity, and a life spent pretending just to feel accepted (by people who think I'm defective) is one of very low quality. To spend my years like that truly feels like a 'life sentence' … no thanks, I'd rather have the needle.

If I seem bitter, I am. I recently saw a letter written by my therapist (of six years) to one of my doctors … and I realize how expertly she's been faking sincerity. I face the daunting task of trying to explain what she clearly cannot see, and I'm dreading it. And they think we're inflexible??

 

[KassieMac]

By the way, not all medical professionals subscribe to the opinion that Aspies don't have empathy. I think the more educated ones tend to know better.

I don't think it has to do with their education as much as their tolerance, acceptance, & emotional maturity … unfortunately these things can't be taught. In a nutshell, it's an indicator of their capacity for empathy. Ironic, isn't it.

 

[KassieMac]

I have plenty of empathy for situations worth empathy. For instance, starving children, cruelty to animals, people struggling with illness or serious difficulties, victims of war/abuse/violence...
However, If you can't find a parking space close to tesco, if you just got a fine for parking on double yellow lines, if the guy at McDonalds forgot your fries, if you gained 10lbs and you can't buy that dress, or you're just stuck in bad traffic and you missed your favourite tv show...then no. I have zero empathy.

YES!! YES!!!

Is there any way I can 'Like' this post a few dozen more times? Moderators, how about that for a new feature?