Emotional disconnection to pet - to keep or surrender

[Lula1989]

hello - My husband and I have been together for about 10 years now (married 4). Two years after starting our relationship we bought a dog, Lucy, who was 3 at the time of adoption. She recently had to be put down on May 9th due to lung cancer that had spread throughout her body. We only found out a week before we had to put her down that she had lung cancer. We were always told how healthy she was. For those eight years of having her, my husband and I always fought because I wanted to give her up. I struggled with the constant responsibility, the vet costs, and she wasn't a very social dog towards other animals. So living in an apartment and having to walk her was difficult and embarrassing the way she acted. Barking and pulling I took it as a direct reflection of me. Three years ago I called a rescue foster care to take her in, but when it came to it, i couldn't give her up. With her passing it was the most heartbreaking thing of my life. I haven't ever felt any emotional grief from human relatives dying so this was hard on me. My husband talked about how confused he was because I never seemed like I wanted her with how much I talked about the stress of having her, but When she was dying thats the most emotion he has seen from me in regards to her.

Two weeks after her passing we decided to get another dog. I don't think anyone prepares for how loud the silence is once a family member is gone. She was a snorer and always had a cute pitter patter across the floor. I was still on the fence about getting another dog. A year before Lucys passing I kept telling my husband I only thought she had about a year or two left and when shes gone I want the freedom from responsibility. We can take random road trips without worrying about the $50 a day boarding fees. I always had to work from home during thunderstorms because she didnt like them and we would have the freedom to work all week and then be gone all weekend without worrying about lack of attention or time spent with a pet.

That didnt last two weeks and we adopted Nova. Part of me told myself Id rather give a dog a loving home and the dog have to deal with lack of attention for a week or two every few months than them be in an abusive home. But I always went back to having freedom finally after eight years. After putting Nova in the car I immediately thought we moved on too fast from Lucy. That small two week span in between animals I felt a sense of independent and freedom I hadn't had since college. I didn't feel trapped by my house any longer. We've had Nova for a month now. We just spent $550 on her at the vet for clearing up her skin, tapeworms and hookworms. Now her leg is messed up (limping) so we are going to have to take her back in. Shes peed on two of my rugs, torn down blinds, but outside of those things shes a great dog. We put curtains up and took down all the blinds in the house and she does perfectly now. Ive had to pull up all of my rugs so my house just doesn't feel pretty and decorated as it did, which having a nice clean and orderly house reduces my stress load. We do not want children due to the financial burden among my lack of handling stressful situations well.

I guess my current struggle is.. my husband gets super attached super quickly. Within the same day. Its wild to me. Im still not emotionally attached, however I do love the dog. Shes incredibly sweet, funny and dog bring me joy. My husband has taken a lot of the responsibility burden off of me when having pets. He is the one that gets up early to take them out and feed them. When he comes home he handles the dog so I can have one less stimuli. I know my reasons for giving her up are purely selfish and i feel great pains and regret to do that to my husband when he's so attached. I know this will be a constant struggle and arguments for the next 15 years which is why I was ready for Lucy to pass on a year ago.

Should I learn better techniques to handling a dog and my stressors, for the sake of my husband or should we go ahead and give her back? This has nothing to do with the dog herself, but more so around i hate spending money on dogs and my house is never clean. Two weeks between dogs it was spotless. I cleaned once and it stayed that way. Dogs track in so much mud and dirt I'm constantly sweeping. Every day i sweep. Part of me thinks my relationship will get so much better without the dog, but then I think that my husband will hold this over my head for a long time. He says he's content with whatever decision but we need to make it this weekend so he doesn't get more attached. He mentioned the same thing with this dog like Lucy, he's confused because I love on Nova, we play and I'm always sending him photos of her and saying how dang cute she is, but he can see in my eyes theres no connection between my actions and feelings. Which is 100% true. Its the same thing with humans. I may enjoy them and be super kind, but if anyone left my life or died, I likely wouldn't blink an eye.

 

[Lula1989]

I also forgot to mention that my time at home feels like its always around the dog. She two and wants to play all the time. I want to start working on my art and start a side business so I can stop working at an office and can work for myself. I dont feel like I can give any or as much time to my hobbies without worrying about a dog. I did so much more in those two weeks without a dog than I feel like I do in two weeks with a dog because my priorities have to change. I cant work in the front yard without her going nuts inside and scratching on the window and doors. I just feel trapped indoors when im not at work

 

[Judge]

Part of me thinks my relationship will get so much better without the dog, but then I think that my husband will hold this over my head for a long time. He says he's content with whatever decision but we need to make it this weekend so he doesn't get more attached.

Let this guide your decision. But ultimately it must be YOUR decision. If you have his trust and honesty, then in fact he's truly committed to whatever decision YOU make.

In my own case as much as I have loved having pets, they have always had to compete with my OCD. Frankly the stress of eventually losing them over the years has taken its toll and I haven't had a pet in the home since 2005. So I can truly relate to your dilemma.

 

[BraidedPony]

Give the dog up.

 

[Pats]

I know exactly what you're saying and I don't think there's a correct decision.
I had Honey (pit husky mix) and she was my baby. I didn't want a dog for the exact reasons you listed, but I was attached. I didn't like leaving her because I knew no one would take care of her like I did. She was 60 pounds of sweet and was so like me in every way. The beginning of last year she got real sick real fast - playing one day and the next day could hardly breathe with minimal exertion. There's a type of cancer in dogs that that's how it does - they're fine one day and within a few days gone. I cried for months over her. But I told everyone I was done - no animals, I wanted the freedom.

My daughter has several dogs, including Honey's mom, dad and brother (Cubby). 90 pounds of mischief and anxiety. He had to live outside mostly because he and his dad growled at each other and my daughter wasn't taking any chances with kids in the house. So Cubby has had it rough. But he also (due to anxiety) chewed through 2x4's after digging a hole in the wall, chewed up the corner of their house and nothing could hold him. She asked if I would take him for a week and just see how it went so I agreed to that. But we fell in love. I just look in his direction and that big ole tail just starts wagging and beating against the furniture. And I can not walk past him without giving him a hug that he leans into. He's happy here and there's no way I would ever send him back home. Yes, again, I'm tied down - couldn't leave him alone in case it stormed because that's usually when he would do all the damage. But here, so far, he has a closet he hides in when it rains or storms and he seems content with that. But the enjoyment I get from him every day outweighs the freedom I lost.

But then that wouldn't happen with just any dog. I also have a small rescue that I enjoy, but if someone said they wanted him, I wouldn't hesitate. And he's actually easier in every way.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Why on earth did you get another dog despite knowing that the last one was a huge problem? I mean you basicly made the same mistake twice. And even then... why didn't you get a dog that was older?! Why a 2 year old?! This has stupid written all over it in every dimension.

I'll try to suggest some fixes that could possibly allow you to keep the dog without going completely crazy over the next 15 years. I understand your situation since I am similar. Love dogs, totally crazy about them, but I don't think I can have one in my house without some serious added stress. They say people with dogs live longer, but I think it's the opposite with me.

All of this is assuming it's a large dog, obviously scale down if it's a Chihuahua.
First thing is that you need to get some schedule going with your husband, where he takes the dog for a really long walk before work. You need to build this up (can't just take the poor thing for a 3 hour walk when he's used to 30 minute walks) but the goal is to get all of that extra energy out with playtime outside and walking. Exactly how much exercise he needs depends, but you'll notice based on how much of a pain in the butt he is when your husband is off to work. Just slowly increase morning walk time and suddenly you'll notice he will be much calmer for most of the day and that's the sweet spot.

Second is buying a kennel, make it one where the dog has a bit of space to move in but if you already have one that's just large enough for the dog to comfortably sleep in then you can use that instead and maybe size up when you feel it's needed. They have special dog "mattresses" with little grains inside (they feel awesome!) and put that in so the dog can sleep comfortably without damage to his joints. After his long walk, put the dog (like clockwork) in the kennel, make him associate it as something good by giving him a treat, a toy, whatever he likes as long as it's safe for dogs. If he likes broccoli or steak, broccoli or steak. Whatever makes him the happiest. Each dog is different, so I can't suggest the perfect thing for this.

At first he might not like it, dogs don't like anything that's different or strange. At first keep him in for a bit, but like the walk build up the time slowly. Totally expect the dog to go completely mental the first time, treat or not. This is normal. Keep him in there at first for 5 minutes, even if he's going completely crazy. After that time is up, be very nice and sweet to him no matter how much of a gargantuan pain he was and give him another treat and don't put him in there again for the day. Do not get angry, ever. He will associate the cage with you being angry and that's the last thing you want. Anything surrounding the cage must be happy nice paradise and he can do nothing wrong. Dogs don't respond well to anger anyway, so it's not a good thing to do ever. Next day you do 10 minutes. Etc. etc. Eventually you will have a dog that understands the routine is: Morning walk, Into kennel (With treat). At that point you won't have any trouble. Ever again. Unless he gets dementia or something.

One of my dogs was taught this as well. The first time he would scream, bite the cage, whine, cry, you name it. He had a pretty strong personality. He was stubborn but after a week or so he had no problem being in the cage for an hour. When he was an adult he also learned to associate the small cage (It was a small dog and we had both large and small cages) with fun trips, so whenever I would put my clothes on he would run into the small cage and sleep in it as if to say "I'm ready when you are". So don't get discouraged, when you get the dog to see it as something good it becomes really effortless.

So you just teach the dog whatever routine works best for you. You can keep him in there until his afternoon walk, and then put him back in again until your husband comes home for another very long walk/playtime outside. Just take small steps and get the morning routine down first and then expand it to the afternoon, and then evening.

Other than that... it's for you to decide if this is not going to be a 15 year nightmare. Even if you get the whole routine down, a dog is still a source of stress regardless. He's still gonna mess things up. I just think after spending $550 and with your husband crazy about him that with effort on your husbands part it can be workable, obviously he has to be willing to do the wake up at 5 AM routine so he can walk the dog before work. But maybe it works so well that you would actually be very happy with the dog.

 

[the_tortoise]

Im still not emotionally attached, however I do love the dog. Shes incredibly sweet, funny and dog bring me joy.

Is it possible that you are emotionally attached, as you were with your previous dog, but wouldn't recognize it until she was gone?

What you've written sounds a lot like emotional attachment of some degree....it's quite confusing to me, though, so perhaps I just don't understand what emotional attachment looks like for you.

No relationship with another living thing will ever be without its stresses and sacrifices, especially when you are in a guardianship/caregiving role.

At this point I would think more about the dog's well-being -- quite likely she has become very attached to you and your husband and it would be devastating for her to be abandoned again.

Dogs are living, feeling beings not inanimate property to be disposed of when you grow tired of them or have second thoughts.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

I don't think making her feel guilty about sending the dog back is going to help her make the best decision, both for her and the dog. From what I understood this is a shelter dog in the first place. She has no moral responsibility to keep the dog. It sucks, she tried, the dog will probably be stressed out, but whatever. She tried. The dog is the original owner/breeder's ethical responsibility, and those people abandoned the dog.

I have no clue what kind of country she is in, but in my country it's far better to send the dog back to the shelter than it is to keep it while you know you can't handle it.

The only responsibility she really has is to not make the same mistake a 3rd time, I like to think that she understands that now.

 

[Judge]

The worst-case scenario is that you let your frustration fester to a point where you might begin to take it out on the dog, whether consciously or not. Not a place you really want to be.

 

[Lula1989]

to Alone not lonely: I find your very first paragraph excessively rude. I dont think there was any call for that and you could have probably just left that out. Skimming through the rest of your response we already do all that or have tried. I got another dog, not out of stupidity as you plainly put it, but out of heartbreak and love for animals. Once my Lucy was gone I realized what a blessing she was and sometimes its better to take a dog out of a bad situation to give them a loving home, even though I have stressors. As we all do might i add. Thank you.

 

[Lula1989]

Is it possible that you are emotionally attached, as you were with your previous dog, but wouldn't recognize it until she was gone?

What you've written sounds a lot like emotional attachment of some degree....it's quite confusing to me, though, so perhaps I just don't understand what emotional attachment looks like for you.

No relationship with another living thing will ever be without its stresses and sacrifices, especially when you are in a guardianship/caregiving role.

At this point I would think more about the dog's well-being -- quite likely she has become very attached to you and your husband and it would be devastating for her to be abandoned again.

Dogs are living, feeling beings not inanimate property to be disposed of when you grow tired of them or have second thoughts.

thank you. Yes i agree. Thats the main reason I couldnt give Lucy up. I think I need to learn how to be independent with a dog. The things i struggle with never bother my husband. My biggest struggle is feeling guilt by leaving her home on the weekends or like last might, we got home from work and wanted to go out to dinner. I told him no because i didnt want to leave her alone for another two hours. Im sure she would have just slept and been fine. Shes great by herself other than that one day she tore the blinds up (and that day there was a party across the street with 50 people so i know thats why). I just need to find comfort leaving her home. I agree there is attachment. If there wasnt i wouldnt have any of these concerns. I think my lack of attachment is i could give her up today and be fine tomorrow.

 

[Lula1989]

The worst-case scenario is that you let your frustration fester to a point where you might begin to take it out on the dog, whether consciously or not. Not a place you really want to be.

I more so take it out on my husband which is where the arguments start. Yes i probably shouldnt have gotten this second dog, but i think after losing the first one it disrupted my life so much i thought replacing her was best for all... which now im not sure... i just dont want to hurt my husband in the process.

 

[Judge]

I more so take it out on my husband which is where the arguments start. Yes i probably shouldnt have gotten this second dog, but i think after losing the first one it disrupted my life so much i thought replacing her was best for all... which now im not sure... i just dont want to hurt my husband in the process.

That's even worse. Then you know what you have to do.

I believe you just transitioned this from a difficult decision to an easy one.

 

[Pats]

thank you. Yes i agree. Thats the main reason I couldnt give Lucy up. I think I need to learn how to be independent with a dog. The things i struggle with never bother my husband. My biggest struggle is feeling guilt by leaving her home on the weekends or like last might, we got home from work and wanted to go out to dinner. I told him no because i didnt want to leave her alone for another two hours. Im sure she would have just slept and been fine. Shes great by herself other than that one day she tore the blinds up (and that day there was a party across the street with 50 people so i know thats why). I just need to find comfort leaving her home. I agree there is attachment. If there wasnt i wouldnt have any of these concerns. I think my lack of attachment is i could give her up today and be fine tomorrow.

Yes, I don't like leaving mine - it gives me anxiety.

 

[Judge]

Yes, I don't like leaving mine - it gives me anxiety.

Cajoling a Yorkie into howling can be hilarious.

Not so much though when they do it as a matter of separation anxiety.

Growing up we had "his and hers" Yorkies. The female who stuck like glue to my mother would just cry a river any time Mom left the house. Even if I was there to assure her she wasn't alone. Quite annoying at times, and much worse when our sad little dog would darned near lose her bark having howled for hours on end.

 

[Juliettaa]

Why on earth did you get another dog despite knowing that the last one was a huge problem? I mean you basicly made the same mistake twice. And even then... why didn't you get a dog that was older?! Why a 2 year old?! This has stupid written all over it in every dimension.

I find your very first paragraph excessively rude. I dont think there was any call for that and you could have probably just left that out.

@Lula1989 - I don't think @AloneNotLonely was rude. It was a forthright, direct opinion based on what you'd posted. And if one thing is guaranteed, you're going to get at least one direct opinion on a forum populated with people on the autistic spectrum

Okay, I may not have called you stupid in my response, but that's not to say it didn't cross my mind.

I can appreciate how devastated you were to lose your dog to cancer, but to enjoy having peace and a clean house and then get a puppy in such a short space of time I can't comprehend.

We just spent $550 on her at the vet for clearing up her skin, tapeworms and hookworms. Now her leg is messed up (limping) so we are going to have to take her back in. Shes peed on two of my rugs, torn down blinds,

Par for the course with being a pet owner.

i hate spending money on dogs and my house is never clean.

I can't comprehend this ^^^^ at all. Dogs cost money and they can make a mess.

Give the dog up.

I feel very sorry for the dog and based on what you've posted, I agree with the above.

 

[Pats]

Cajoling a Yorkie into howling can be hilarious.

Not so much though when they do it as a matter of separation anxiety.

Growing up we had "his and hers" Yorkies. The female who stuck like glue to the mother would just cry a river any time she left the house. Even if I was there to assure her she wasn't alone. Quite annoying at times, and much worse when our sad little dog would darned near lose her bark having howled for hours on end.

oh that is so sad.

 

[Judge]

oh that is so sad.

Yeah. It's easy to understand the guilt factor when we must leave our pets alone at times.

 

[Pats]

I more so take it out on my husband which is where the arguments start. Yes i probably shouldnt have gotten this second dog, but i think after losing the first one it disrupted my life so much i thought replacing her was best for all... which now im not sure... i just dont want to hurt my husband in the process.

Hi Lula. First, it is true that we can expect some negative comments on an autism forum. Try not to let them get to you.
About the dog - I think when someone is trying to replace a loving pet it seldom works out because what you really wanted was your dog back and that won't happen. Don't fell guilty if you decide it was too soon and take it back, then maybe later you'll run into one that you attach to immediately for reasons of their own. Either way - you're trying to be responsible and do the right thing and that's not always an easy thing to do.

I didn't WANT Cubby, but he has changed my life in such a positive way that I didn't know I needed him as much as he needed me. IF that hadn't happened so quickly (and it was almost a year after losing Honey) I would have sent Cubby back home as planned and tell my daughter I tried and it didn't work, now leave me alone about him. She wasn't going to leave me alone about it until I gave it a try. It just didn't happen that way. I was more surprised than anyone. (It's like people - you either click or you don't).

 

[Judge]

About the dog - I think when someone is trying to replace a loving pet it seldom works out because what you really wanted was your dog back and that won't happen.

How true.

It's sad to think so many are most apt to rush out and replace a beloved pet as if they can actually fill that particular void. But the reality is that you must go in with your eyes wide open when getting another pet. Knowing that their personality and temperament may well be quite different than the last pet, for better or for worse.