Don’t understand the social situation

[daniegirl6224]

My boyfriend’s boss isn’t paying him on time and my boyfriend is almost out of money. My boyfriend works hard and always does more than his share on our relationship. I wanted to help and ease his stress, so I transferred him some money. As soon as he saw, he was upset, said now he feels even more worthless, and that I should have talked to him about it before sending him money. I only had good intentions. Am I in the wrong? Did I miss something socially?

 

[Judge]

My boyfriend’s boss isn’t paying him on time and my boyfriend is almost out of money. My boyfriend works hard and always does more than his share on our relationship. I wanted to help and ease his stress, so I transferred him some money. As soon as he saw, he was upset, said now he feels even more worthless, and that I should have talked to him about it before sending him money. I only had good intentions. Am I in the wrong? Did I miss something socially?

Oh my. The issue of money can be soooooo complicated!

One of those considerations that may have answers relative to how they were raised as children. When some may be very receptive to such a kind gesture, while others may be upset over them. All compounded if and when you choose to live together. Something I once had to deal with moving in with a girlfriend and her daughter. Not really knowing at the time what I was getting into. But it was a useful life experience...especially in sharing things like parenting.

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer I can truly provide in this instance. Try not to take it so hard.

Would I be upset? Yes, and for similar reasons. Would I show I was upset to a significant other? In hindsight....no. To recognize pride over self-reliance is my problem and not a generous partner's.

Too bad there's no "manual" over such unwritten issues. I know many of us can fret over so many unwritten rules society throws at us.

All this aside though, it would seem upsetting for both of you in terms of his employer not paying him on time. That's outrageous....short of one being paid "under the table" attempting to avoid income tax considerations. Hopefully it isn't one of those kind of arrangements.

 

[Xinyta]

Judge explained this best.

But yeah. People will be people. NT or ND.

You didn't nessissarily do anything wrong. You acted out of kindness towards him. But from what it seems like. He possibly felt that because it wasn't money that he earned. That it feels like a handout.

People can be so use to whatever way they funtion in thier modus operandi. That something like this, is a jarring disturbance to thier status quo. Especially if it isn't announced first, or offered before hand. Though this can vary from person to person.

It's all a learning experience though. We all are complicated in our own ways. So it takes giving ourself and others the grace to calmly figure out any misunderstanding.

 

[Neri]

It can be a thing that some men adhere to, they tie a sense of their masculine identity with being a "provider", and can feel "ripped off" if their female companion usurps this position (in their eyes) by providing for them. Males being "the provider" is, probably, as old as humanity itself; women having the biological role as the "nurturer" and provider of new humans, has meant that males roles are, traditionally, in, pretty much, every culture, that of the provider.

It's possible that he feels emasculated by you jumping in with monetary assistance.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't think you did anything wrong. You weren't to know what his reaction would be, as not everyone would have reacted like that. Your heart was in the right place.

But I know I can feel embarrassed when offered money and I often turn it down, usually due to modesty (I am very poor, thanks to council tax). My aunt once made me feel ungrateful when she told me that I shouldn't turn down people's kindness (giving me money). It's not that I'm ungrateful, I just feel awkward, and I know there is social etiquette when it comes to accepting money from others (except when it's your birthday or Christmas, as it's less awkward to accept money as a gift). You don't like to look too eager, so turning down the offer the first couple of times is best, then by the third of forth time you sort of say "are you sure? That's so kind of you..." And when you finally accept it you keep saying thank you and act a little guilty, just so that it doesn't seem like you wanted them to give you money all along.

Money has many principles in our society, and it causes problems, stress and arguments among people. Like they say, money is the root of all evil, so use it wisely.

 

[thejuice]

You did nothing wrong hes being weird and ungrateful of a loving, supportive partner in my opinion. Some people are like that, but pride comes before a fall.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

My boyfriend’s boss isn’t paying him on time and my boyfriend is almost out of money. My boyfriend works hard and always does more than his share on our relationship. I wanted to help and ease his stress, so I transferred him some money. As soon as he saw, he was upset, said now he feels even more worthless, and that I should have talked to him about it before sending him money. I only had good intentions. Am I in the wrong? Did I miss something socially?

I can only speak from my own perspective here, but (1) I would rather be respected than loved and (2) in part, my self respect comes from knowing that I am a responsible, reliable provider for my family.

So, although we all need help sometimes from our partners, this needs to be discussed.

What this might have come across to him (right or wrong) is that he is not a responsible and reliable provider. It's a double hit to his psyche, because he now has the sense that you do not respect him, and two, he has lost some of his own self-respect.

Obviously, he is simply a "victim of circumstance", but perhaps he just needs a new job because the business is either in financial trouble and/or his boss is financially irresponsible, inept, or corrupt.

 

[Outdated]

It can be a thing that some men adhere to, they tie a sense of their masculine identity with being a "provider", and can feel "ripped off" if their female companion usurps this position (in their eyes) by providing for them. Males being "the provider" is, probably, as old as humanity itself; women having the biological role as the "nurturer" and provider of new humans, has meant that males roles are, traditionally, in, pretty much, every culture, that of the provider.

It's possible that he feels emasculated by you jumping in with monetary assistance.

There's another side to that too, you're not wrong but that's not all there is to it.

I've always been very proud of my own self sufficiency, my ability to provide for myself. It's not just tied to my masculinity, it's tied to my personal sense of self worth. That's part of what my grandfather instilled in me when I was little, but then to be fair to your comments he also said "A man that can't cook is a useless tit. How can you expect a man to feed his wife and kids if he can't even feed himself?".

Many years later the penny dropped and I realised he was talking about my father.

 

[NB79]

He probably appreciates what you did, just that he doesn't want to accept the help for some reasons, i don't think anyone could be upset at someone trying to help like that.

 

[daniegirl6224]

Thanks so much for your feedback & support everyone. Makes me feel better knowing that it wasn’t some obvious social rule that I broke. Grateful for this group

 

[AuAL]

Like they say, money is the root of all evil, so use it wisely.

Coincidentally, this came up in conversation with a friend this afternoon. The original (Biblical) quotation is, “The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.”

Sorry, sidetrack, but it’s interesting how often this is misquoted, and the crucial element that is forgotten.