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Don't Be Shy To Introduce Yourself

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by The Penguin, Apr 10, 2017.

  1. zozie

    zozie Active Member

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    Hi all,

    Well, this is ... here we go. I've taken the tests. The first time I took the AQ it was 40. The second time it was 45. I'll take the lower number, just to be sure I'm not influenced by confirmation bias.

    I am a single mother of two teenagers. Also a survivor of complex trauma. Figured it was the trauma that made me so weird, until I started looking at myself before the trauma happened. Age 8, my favorite fantasy was being a hermit. It was a vocational aspiration, really. I still think about it sometimes. Just me in my head and living off the land.

    Frequently labeled as "the weirdo." Lost track of how many times people called me intense. Acute sense of justice. Androgynous, though I spent most of my childhood wishing I was a boy (could stand to pee, though there's a device for that now, I hear).

    I didn't realize how much of my energy has gone to masking. When the lines between autism and trauma blur, how do you know why you do what you do? All you really know is survival. Been a neat trick to tease the two apart enough to understand what is trauma and what is ND. Thank god for good therapy, but it has only brought me so far. I have a very high pain tolerance. It blows my mind to imagine people living their lives NOT in perpetual discomfort.

    A few tells:

    A friend asked me some years ago "Is there ever going to be a day go by that you *don't* talk about ____?" I had not realized I had been obsessing, so determined not to talk about ____ the next day. Started counting the days I was quiet on my favorite subject, just to be more normal.

    I'm currently waiting on a decision for my second round at Voc Rehab. The first went well enough, until I transitioned from schooling to employment. That's when things fell apart, though I gave it my best. I really did. I dream of self-sufficiency.

    Don't mess with my routine. That's just rude and I will have a rage response I will end up being ashamed of later. So please don't.

    If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask. Honesty is my way of showing respect.

    Please don't ask me to lie. I won't do it. There is no such thing as a small lie.

    Patterns, patterns everywhere.

    Just because I don't cry in public, outwardly show pain, hug you, or ask you how your day is, doesn't mean I don't care. It means I am extremely anxious to be vulnerable in social situations, perceive showing pain as weakness, am very sensitive to touch, and am waiting for you to share how your day is. If you don't want to, why would I pry? It's not disinterest. It's giving space.

    That is a frown of concentration. I am not angry; I'm listening.

    Maybe one day I'll have friends I actually see. I have two friends now, and we communicate through texting platforms. Won't even get into my (absent) dating life. Actually, I do have a friend I see every few months. We go out for lunch or on a hike.

    I am most comfortable (which is not very) socializing around tasks. Work. Class assignment. Or if I'm teaching something and I'm well-prepared.

    You might think I'm stubborn, but I find safety in absolutes. I'm just trying to be safe.

    "I didn't really mean it" is the surest way to frighten me.

    I don't understand most of what's going on. Or, maybe I do but it's at a level that NTs will consistently deny. I'm torn on this one.

    Extremely visual processing. People will talk to me and what they're saying will show up in my brain as visual metaphor. Example:

    NT person: "Yeah, I'm sorta tired today, bit worried about the future with covid and all..."
    Me: *sees mental image of that person trying to ride a bike with flat tires up a hill with throngs of monsters and brambles on every side.* "Like there's danger from all sides, and you're riding a bike with flat tires up a hill?"
    NT: "OMG are you PSYCHIC? That's exactly how I feel!!! You're an empath! You're gifted! You are amazing!"
    Me *wonders what heck is going on, confused by the strong response, questions existence and reality for the nth time* *reaffirms that this is why talking to people is so unpleasant* *has no idea how to respond to the person now*

    In some social situations, I am lively, engaged, make a lot of eye contact, use dramatic inflection, laugh a lot, and am told I am a great storyteller and a great listener. Very empathetic, I'm told, though I wonder now if my "non-judgmental" trait is really just detached problem solving. I mean I do care, but.

    I am terrified, TERRIFIED, of human resources. I. do. not. understand. There seems to be an ungodly commitment to passive language and indirect solutions to what look like glaringly obvious problems. Never met such a conflict-averse bunch in my life.

    So, I'm thinking that it's not just trauma. And also I was convinced I was from another planet a few years ago, which is the closest I've come to feeling comfortable existing here.

    Yeah, a longer intro than I had intended. My apologies.
     
  2. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process
     
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  3. Joshua Aaron

    Joshua Aaron ️Autistic Pansexual ️, Chaotic Good V.I.P Member

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    Hello, all forums newbs.
     
  4. zozie

    zozie Active Member

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    Thank you, still figuring a lot out. I appreciate the welcome very much.
     
  5. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Firstly welcome to the Forums. Do hang around and read the threads that come up. I am sure you will find something interesting in there.

    Secondly, I appreciated your introduction, especially that it was set out in paragraphs. Made it much easier to read - thank you
     
  6. zozie

    zozie Active Member

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    Thank you. This is the first time I've written out this kind of intro, so more came out than expected. Anyway, legibility is what I was aiming for.
     
  7. MadRienell

    MadRienell New Member

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    Hello everyone. I am a 49 yr old retired USAF veteran. I'm a mother of a 21 yr old daughter who has been diagnosed as autistic and BPD. I've been diagnosed 2012 as having Aspergers then later 2018 as being HFA. I also have a mild neurological cognitive disorder due to brain damage.

    Not sure how I made it 20 years in the military. Probably because I was an aircraft mechanic and constantly working with my hands which satisfies my need to stim or stay busy. I still cant sit still unless Im doing something.

    I enjoy sewing, writing science fiction and fantasy books (that will never get published but its something to do) playing Skyrim and Dragon Age Inquisition, playing piano, pyrography, bass fishing and collecting houseplants.

    I recently moved to N. Arizona and really hate it. Thats all I will say about that. Lol.
     
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  8. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the site, @MadRienell hope that you'll find information that might help, and people with similar points of view and perspectives.
     
  9. zozie

    zozie Active Member

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    welcome!
    Also: Skyrim is one of the best open world games, and so soothing to look at!
     
  10. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!
     
  11. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi @zozie

    Weirdo and looking for patterns has been a lifelong occurrence for myself and many people here. Wanted to live inside a tree as a hermit when I was around that same age, actually I still do. You seem like you'll fit in perfectly here.

    Welcome to the forum.
     
  12. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi Rae Ray,

    Welcome to the Forums. do hang out and get to know us a bit.

    sorry I dont follow you here - what kind of group is a Neuro. Social?
     
  13. Finder

    Finder Member

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    Hello. I am recently diagnosed, DSM-5, level 1, in July, in my mid 50s. I am just doing a lot of learning.
     
  14. Augur022

    Augur022 New Member

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    Hi, I’m Rob.
    I discovered this site via google search.
    judging by the time-stamps on most threads I’ve read, I’m unsure if this group’s members are currently active.
    In 2002 I was diagnosed with combined type ADHD, the Dx was reassessed in 2009.
    Four years ago, while sourcing ADHD info, the Cambridge Autism Research faculty’s AQ. I scored 176 out of 200 as neurodivergent, so I followed up with the RITVO and scored similarly. To further substantiate, anytime I’m in the company of people who’re not on the spectrum, I find conversation is peculiar; but when in the company of anyone on the spectrum, I’m completely comfy... something the people I’ve met who’re not on the spectrum express a dislike about doing.
    I’m highly anticipatory of meaningful interactions here and hope I can help others as I go.

    Thanks.
     
  15. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    Go to other forums I have no idea what you've read this is about the most often used Autism forum ,one thing !!!many people with Autistic neurology lurk !never interact ,it's very common, go to the members online! click on the title, you'll see how many are lurking ,people actually become members and never post on the forum or answer a post ,there are posts from the beginning of 2010 upto me answering you now ,many autism forums shut down ,this one was sold once .
     
  16. Augur022

    Augur022 New Member

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    Okay, thanks.
    I was browsing the various threads after I posted this and realized that I hadn’t noticed all the recent posts. I typically interact only when I feel that it’s prudent to do so; otherwise, I lurk, reading threads to be sure I’m not posting an answer that a prior respondent has covered.
    To that, I’ll have a look around.
     
  17. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    You're a man that's answers everything
     
  18. Ian Pennell

    Ian Pennell New Member

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    Hello, my name is Ian Pennell and I am a 51 year old man trying to earn a living as a Self Employed Book-keeper. I live in Cumbria in the north of England. I have been diagnosed as at the mild end of the Autistic spectrum with Asperger's Syndrome.

    It did not really dawn on me that anything was really wrong with me until I was 28, when I got into trouble with the law whilst protesting about how easy it was for men to be alienated from their families through the Family Courts- my parents sat me down and explained to me that I had Asperger's Syndrome and this was confirmed when I went to see a Specialist. But looking back, my time in Special School was nothing to do with me having hearing problems as a child (which I did), I struggled at school and was bullied (never making real friends) although I did well academically and I went on to University.

    Whilst my brothers and sister all eventually got good well-paid jobs I have struggled to hold down work as a Kitchen Porter/ assistant Chef in pubs and hotels (which earned me just enough to keep my head above water). I would hate being shouted at and found the work extremely demanding. When problems arose I would not have enough money to meet the costs and at one point I was over £20,000 in debt. My brother effectively bailed me out by buying off me the family cottage that I had held in trust for me- and this helped to pay off the debts and I have a financial cushion which enabled me to pursue my career change. This is starting to bear fruit.

    However, because I have been a recipient of family funds in the past, and because I have got into trouble in the past my family do not give me the latitude for error of other family members- and I have been shouted at by various members of my family even though I am an adult. My youngest brother has been quite abusive to me on occasion- shouting at me and threatening me with violence a few times over the last twenty years, when he has also had a go at me for "causing trouble for the family" and "leeching off Mum and Dad" and once shouting "Snap out of your SH***Y MOOD and Stop Giving Mum a Hard Time"!

    I think this is something that adult Aspies seem to have to put-up with more than most folk- most folk can articulate their worries and stand up for themselves (I am just five foot five tall and if my younger brother- who is five foot ten- wanted to really hurt me, he could with no come-back on himself): If I ever complained to my parents, Mum would say "I'm not listening to your NONSENSE!" and Dad, a disapproving "Mmm! Even So!". My younger brother and his wife (and two little boys) look like they will be here for Christmas, but (a big) part of me secretly hopes the Covid-restrictions will stop them coming!

    On the plus side, I have my faith in Jesus Christ who I believe will give me the grace for all situations. I have my interests in weather and Politics which keep me occupied.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2020
  19. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi @Ian Pennell

    Welcome to the Forums
    There are a number of Brits, just hang about a bit and you will see.

    In the meantime have a trawl through the existing threads and you will find many gems of experience and advice.
     
  20. Ian Pennell

    Ian Pennell New Member

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    Thank you. Happy to be able to introduce myself.
     
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