I feel that no one really understands or knows me, like I am constantly playing a part. Does any one else feel this way? I recently started my first job; this feeling is really starting to hit home with me.
~Irene
I could never fit in in my first five jobs. The ones that I did manage to feel comfortable in were the ones where I was isolated from the rest of the world, performing much needed tasks when needed and retreating to my cave when I was done (I was previously in IT Support). I never knew what Aspergers was then, and I felt that I was pretending to be someone I was not each time. Not to fit in, but to appear normal so that I wouldn't lose my job.
The longer I was exposed to neurotypes, the more tired I became. So much so I would forget to behave typically and revert to either fight or flight, and this caused problems for me at three of my jobs in the past (either I quit, or I was asked to leave).
Armed with information about myself and my condition recently, I sought to find employment where my atypical behaviour would be tolerated. I found a startup where everyone was intelligent, committed to work and obsessed about perfection in their own roles. I made it clear I was maladjusted, couldn't conform to social norms and that having to figure out appropriate social responses all the time was tiring and that my colleagues were to help me out and let me know when my behaviour was intolerable and less than acceptable, but leave me be if it was tolerable (although marginally weird or rude).
It worked. I have colleagues who pretty much leverage on my skills and leave me out of social things. When I do need some human interaction, I come out of my shell at work, unplug my earphones and go for a smoke with someone (although I would not recommend this habit, but it has worked for me in the past projecting the loner, fringe-type personality so that people would pretty much leave me alone).
It's pretty much a balance, between being honest (but not brutally so), finding the right environment (I was lucky my special interest is software development and that I have a wealth of knowledge regarding the industry I am in so I speak the same technical language as everyone else), and surrounded by higher than average intellects (I don't have to exhaust myself explaining inconsequential things)
I do hope you find such equilibrium in your work.