Does anyone else feel like they are constantly putting on an act?

[Irene Helrose]

I feel that no one really understands or knows me, like I am constantly playing a part. Does any one else feel this way? I recently started my first job; this feeling is really starting to hit home with me.

~Irene

 

[nowwhat]

Yes, but as soon as I stop acting, its angry villagers, torches and pitchforks.

 

[Kirsty]

I feel that no one really understands or knows me, like I am constantly playing a part. Does any one else feel this way?

I have felt this way most of my life; especially in the workplace. During my first job, I had over-powering social anxiety and found it got a bit easier in time over the years. This has always made it hard for me to be playing a part as I struggle to even be myself.

 

[Judge]

Many of us "mask" our true traits and behaviors to get by socially in the NT world. Though it can be exhausting, emotionally and mentally.

Either that, or subject ourselves to getting our Aspie ass kicked at one time or another.

We do it to protect ourselves....a form of social "damage control".

 

[Aster]

I feel this way a lot. I have only recently been able to force myself to smile. It feels wrong but it's what people want I suppose.

 

[MollyPolly55]

Yes, I feel this way any time I am around people which is exhausting! 90% of communication is nonverbal. This creates so much anxiety for me because I cannot communicate nonverbally using facial expressions or body language. Even if we mess up once, it then feels like our secret is out and everyone knows we are different.

 

[Liam Sifr]

I feel that no one really understands or knows me, like I am constantly playing a part. Does any one else feel this way? I recently started my first job; this feeling is really starting to hit home with me.

~Irene

I could never fit in in my first five jobs. The ones that I did manage to feel comfortable in were the ones where I was isolated from the rest of the world, performing much needed tasks when needed and retreating to my cave when I was done (I was previously in IT Support). I never knew what Aspergers was then, and I felt that I was pretending to be someone I was not each time. Not to fit in, but to appear normal so that I wouldn't lose my job.

The longer I was exposed to neurotypes, the more tired I became. So much so I would forget to behave typically and revert to either fight or flight, and this caused problems for me at three of my jobs in the past (either I quit, or I was asked to leave).

Armed with information about myself and my condition recently, I sought to find employment where my atypical behaviour would be tolerated. I found a startup where everyone was intelligent, committed to work and obsessed about perfection in their own roles. I made it clear I was maladjusted, couldn't conform to social norms and that having to figure out appropriate social responses all the time was tiring and that my colleagues were to help me out and let me know when my behaviour was intolerable and less than acceptable, but leave me be if it was tolerable (although marginally weird or rude).

It worked. I have colleagues who pretty much leverage on my skills and leave me out of social things. When I do need some human interaction, I come out of my shell at work, unplug my earphones and go for a smoke with someone (although I would not recommend this habit, but it has worked for me in the past projecting the loner, fringe-type personality so that people would pretty much leave me alone).

It's pretty much a balance, between being honest (but not brutally so), finding the right environment (I was lucky my special interest is software development and that I have a wealth of knowledge regarding the industry I am in so I speak the same technical language as everyone else), and surrounded by higher than average intellects (I don't have to exhaust myself explaining inconsequential things)

I do hope you find such equilibrium in your work.

 

[xDominiel]

Yep. I recently came to the conclusion that I've been faking "normality" for too long and that it doesn't even work because people still pick up on that I'm "off". I was always told to "act normal" and "stop being weird" growing up by both parents and others, so it's going to be hard quitting that habit though.

 

[Liam Sifr]

Yep. I recently came to the conclusion that I've been faking "normality" for too long and that it doesn't even work because people still pick up on that I'm "off". I was always told to "act normal" and "stop being weird" growing up by both parents and others, so it's going to be hard quitting that habit though.

You shouldn't have to change whom you are. I keep putting off counselling and therapy because my wife insists I should attend so I can start being normal. Its not meant for that. If anything its a two way street, especially with loved ones. Coping with differences is a better approach but too many nt in our lives insist that we are the ones who are defective, which I resent.

 

[hiraeth]

No, I'm bad at acting. Being a good actor involves awareness of how we are being perceived by others and then knowing how to modify our behaviour to project the right kind of perception. I have no idea how to do either. I have no idea how people perceive me, no idea how to change it, and generally sufficient evidence to think that those perceptions are wrong and no one seems for "who I really am" because they are reading misleading signals.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, very much so! I feel that it is all horribly superficial and I cannot cope with that, so it takes a lot of effort to "imitate" them! Because I have got the sense that not many people like facts; they really like to stay in their bubble if ignorance and I find that really intolerable!

 

[WereBear]

Actually, no. I do restrain myself from being blunt and honest. Most people do not appreciate it.

 

[JuliaCee]

Putting on an act is one way that a lot of us manage to cope in a NT world. It's really kind of a skill, and to some extent even NT people have to put on various acts. Please don't judge yourself about this. It helps to find congenial environments (like this forum), where we can let down the masks for a while.

 

[clg114]

Actually, no. I do restrain myself from being blunt and honest. Most people do not appreciate it.

Good for you! I am the same way, but I am old and grumpy.

 

[Reedstorm17]

Ever since I found out I had Asperger's, I've worked to pretend to be normal and fit in and hide every quality of Asperger's, even the good ones. By the time I was fifteen, I was at the highest point I could get to in pretending to be normal. Then I became depressed. One day, it got so bad that I planned my own death. I was twelve hours away from attempting suicide (it wouldn't have worked). Then I discovered one of my classmates probably had Asperger's, because someone asked him what day of the week a particular date fell on, and he responded immediately. I realized that day that I had almost forgotten myself. I pushed myself to keep living. I got to know him better, and I started realizing that I was an entirely different person around him. For one thing, I smiled a lot more, and I didn't really filter out what I said. I started talking more about my "obsessions." This was how I realized that I've spent my entire life pretending to be someone I'm not, and it had finally caught up to me. I found my true self locked away somewhere inside me, almost forgotten. That day, I put my foot down. I wasn't going to let anyone tell me who to be.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

I feel this way a lot of the time, especially with my spiritual life. There's a part of me which truly loves God and Jesus, wanting to be closer to both like crazy...but at the same time, my prayers often feel either forced or empty. I feel like the main kid from The Polar Express, who says "I want to believe". God saved me from suicide with a literal vision almost 13 years ago, so I know in my soul He is real...but I get so torn between "believing" vs. "knowing".

 

[Alcyon]

I feel that no one really understands or knows me, like I am constantly playing a part. Does any one else feel this way? I recently started my first job; this feeling is really starting to hit home with me.

~Irene

I contend that you have simply described the human condition. There is a tendency (that I sometimes share in) displayed by some on the spectrum to think that life in the NT world is entirely different and entirely easier. It most emphatically is neither.

It seems to be unquestioned that NTs, existing on a different planet, must interact with the greatest of ease, always knowing, never misunderstanding, and the sky is not cloudy all day...

Nope.

"Existence precedes essence" say the Existentialist philosophers. In other words, no one is born knowing who they are, what they should be doing, or what role they should be playing: it is, to one degree or another, a matter of choice. Making those choices throughout life can be difficult, scary work, and they are sometimes wrong. But the only people I feel truly sorry for are the brittle ones who have made up their minds, who have given up.

Irene, having survived, and, at times, thrived in jobs I was (in retrospect) wholly unsuited for, I can assure you that we are all surrounded by people experiencing what you so eloquently describe, no matter what label or diagnosis they do or don't have.

 

[nakedphil]

Yes

 

[Laurizzle]

I used to put up an act, but I learned living authentically makes me much happier.

 

[Reedstorm17]

Exactly!