Thanks for these. I am following this thread. I am trying to figure out how to work at my 3 year relationship with a man I absolutely adore but who displays all the signs of being on the spectrum (undiagnosed).
We definitely have come along way once I realised I needed to be clear about what I need from him and I even had to give him almost a script where I had to say to him please ask me how I am, ask a follow on question or two (dont just revert to your long monologue about your interests) also to give me compliments/ encouragement and tell me you love me regularly. He has gotten better at all this although he sometimes forgets. At first he thought it was baffling that I would ever need to be told more than once, why would it have changed since the last time.
I got interested in his special interests which really brought us together, but sometimes I still get annoyed when I feel like its me putting in all the work to slot into his life and I have to explain to him that sometimes I would like him to do things that are important to me. If I set clear goals like next Thursday its really important for me that you come to this thing then he makes an effort because he knows its important. (Its sometimes still tricky if that thing is a dinner with friends, its hit or miss whether he finds it socially difficult and then I feel bad for making him come.)
All in all I think we have a good relationship, he is like noone I've ever met and we are in love. Our main problem at the moment however seems to be sex. We took a really long time to get together and by the time we started having sex I thought it was good, I could tell we were both nervous, but thinking back now I realise the times we've had good sex have always been when we were drinking. Recently we have been apart more and it has gone back to him finding kissing strange and he says he doesn't like it. He finds touching and intimacy difficult, even where we had gotten more comfortable and able to connect..it seems to have reverted. He says he fancies me and thinks about me sexually but can't pass a stumbling block at the moment. I am trying to be patient and I know I am not confident sexually so find it hard to initiate..but its been 9 months since we last had sex and its starting to make me feel depressed and sometimes I get angry (not to his face) that I have been trapped in a relationship where my needs are not being met.
Does anyone have any tips for making a sexual relationship work with an ASP ? I am NT. How to brooch intimacy slowly? I was thinking about taking sex out of the equation and maybe just try being naked together again, getting used to that feeling? Anyone navigated this problem successfully? I really dont want to end up in a relationship with no intimacy so I want to find a way to make it work. I know he wants to too and I know he loves me. I am willin to eprk hard and be patient . Any tips welcome please
It would probably have been rather more helpful to you if you'd started your own thread instead of dropping this into one created by someone else for a rather different topic.
However, to offer some feedback, there are a couple of things that spring to mind. The first is that if he really is on the spectrum, there is a good chance that he could be very sensitive to touch - in fact many people on the spectrum find touch anything from irritating to actually painful, so what seems like it ought to be pleasant or pleasing, may be anything but. It would therefore be a good idea I think to talk to him about this, and even ask him directly, because often NTs assume touch is always a good thing, and find it hard to work out why it isn't always received the way they expected.
Secondly, rather than asking us here, you might find it rather more useful to talk to him about what he wants, and what you want - not just about sex but the relationship as a whole, and sex within that context. If you discuss this openly, and without judgement, you may discover how to resolve these issues and frustrations, and at the very least you stand a good chance if approaching the subject in the right way, of finding out how to understand each other's needs. At the very least, if he has indicated already that there is a 'stumbling block' at the moment, it would help you (and he) for you to know what that is, so that you can work on overcoming it together.
It is possible, for example, that if he has anxiety about his own sexual performance, then simply being naked together could be a problem for him, so that may not be the right place to start to try and overcome this. Alternatively, if his problem is your lack of sexual confidence, being naked together may be exactly the right place to start.
In terms of how to open that discussion, I would suggest you simply suggest that your sex life is a subject that it would be good for you both to talk about, so you can find out how to make each other happy. Sex is a subject that many people find hard to discuss, so give plenty of time, and ease into it if necessary. Remember though that if he is on the spectrum, very likely he is going to be very literal in what he says, so don't try and read meanings into his words that aren't the words themselves, and try and be as literal as you can in return, because most of us do very badly trying to read between the lines.
And don't focus solely on what he wants you to do, or you want him to do, but also what you would like to do to and with each other. Sex is much more about giving than receiving if it is going to be good, so exploring how to make the experience as pleasurable as possible for your partner is important. Explain what you want and ask if that works, and listen to what he says, and let him know what would be good and what would not be for you.
If the conversation works and you're in a suitable place, you may find it leads to having sex, because it could be easier, and a lot more pleasurable, to explore in practice than in words.
