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Do you mind being asked how you feel?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Aspergers_Aspie, Jul 8, 2020.

  1. Canismajoris

    Canismajoris Hypergiant

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    It is. But still my the initial reaction is to pour my heart out. :D
     
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  2. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

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    Most people seem to say it in passing - an accompaniment to "hi" or "hello." In these instances I say "fine." If it's someone I know better, but it's still a comment made in passing - I tend to give a slightly more in depth remark which is a score out of 10. Takes a fraction of a second longer than saying "fine" and reveals a fair bit about how I'm actually doing.

    Problem is, when I'm not being asked this question in passing - it's usually because I'm clearly not doing ok. Shinning light on that fact often feels uncomfortable. I know only too well, if I feel bad - it can drag other people down with me. So not only is my mood low, but then I start adding guilt into the equation and feel even worse.

    So, as with most things I mask and bottle it up. Every now and then I can't take it anymore and I crack. It's never really an emotional breakdown. Instead it's a slow burn: as the months go by I feel like I'm about to burst into tears on a regular basis, as well as having frequent shut downs where I can spend most of the day saying next to nothing. Over months I find that the bad times heavily outweigh the good and I reach a point of anhedonia - where very little pleasure is found in anything. That is usually the moment at which I crack, and there's a release of all that built up emotion and angst.

    I get that mental health is trying to be addressed more liberally in society these days. It seems commendable, and in recent years I have been more open about mood disorders, and my experiences. With mental health concerns becoming more mainstream, I understand people want to feel like they're doing a good deed, or lending a helping hand when they ask me how I'm doing. Often when I'm truly honest about how I'm feeling, and the listener is confronted with a cascade of hopelessness and depression: they are usually lost for words, or they say that they're sorry I feel that way.

    Hell, even my past two therapists have ended up with tears in their eyes when I'm truly open and honest during my darkest times. So I feel like if a professional reacts that way, what hope, or right do I have for other people to get involved in this mess I make for myself?

    For me, writing things down is the easiest way to ease my mind when thoughts and feelings are racing. On forums such as this, where none of my friends or family have an account. I can be more open with faceless conversations with strangers.

    I think the main reason writing is easier, is that when I truly express myself when my mood is low - I often end up bursting into tears within a minute or two of starting to express myself.

    Ed
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2020
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  3. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't mind people asking me how I am. Usually it is not a real question so does not demand a real answer.
    So I give a simple answer of OK and that is enough. If they really want to know they will really ask.
     
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  4. HeroOfHyrule

    HeroOfHyrule Chicken Chaser

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    If people are just greeting me or being nice I don't mind, but I don't like when people actually pry into how I'm doing at the moment. Just having to say "I'm fine," to someone is enough talking about my feelings for me. lol
     
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  5. Rabscuttle

    Rabscuttle Member

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    For years, people would ask how I felt, and my go-to response was to run my fingers over my cheeks and answer "smooth". I think I understood even then that they weren't actually asking, but it still annoyed me; if all you want to say is "Hi", then just use that- or hello, or yo, or some other variation. Alexithymia didn't help- does it ever? With anything?

    Then my beard came in, so "smooth" doesn't really work anymore, and it went from "how do you feel" to "how are you", so it wouldn't flowed anyway. Nowadays, I usually just answer with "pecan". It doesn't mean anything, but people still rarely question it. They're still not actually asking.
     
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  6. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    I usually just say I'm doing ok no matter how I really feel and then ask "how about you?" I think really, most people don't care, even if they do, they probably don't understand.
     
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  7. Ella Spell

    Ella Spell Something

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    When I tell people how I feel, they usually tell me I'm wrong.

    If I give reasons they say the reasons aren't valid, or I should ignore those reasons.

    If I don't give reasons they say I'm making it up.

    I'm really tired of ableism and gaslighters.
     
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  8. Shamar

    Shamar Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Depends if I know the person and if the question is sincere. Otherwise I answer "Hard to say. I've been feeling tired lately, and recently developed a dry cough and fever." That usually gets me left alone.
     
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  9. Aspergers_Aspie

    Aspergers_Aspie Well-Known Member

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    And he also takes things literally, like if you play your cards right and are you sure you won't change your mind.
    It is a sad disturbing film with the whale hunting
     
  10. elbowgrease

    elbowgrease Active Member

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    As an easy greeting ("how are you doing?!") I don't mind it, and usually use it myself when greeting someone. If I didn't do that, I think I'd be likely to get stuck at just saying "hi", and not having much else to say from there.
    I remember my mom teaching me sometime around when I had my first job that when people ask something like that they likely don't want to know how I'm doing.
    As for actually explaining how I'm feeling at any given point in time, I don't do very well with that. Beyond generally positive, negative, or neutral, my ability to understand or express my emotional state feels pretty limited (alexithymia?). If pressed I tend to either shut down and refuse to speak or end up on a long rant that doesn't necessarily describe what I'm feeling accurately, and often leaves me pretty embarrassed looking back on it, and seems to leave the other person rather overwhelmed and either wishing they just hadn't asked or trying to figure out how to "fix" me.
     
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  11. Canismajoris

    Canismajoris Hypergiant

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    :D I may try something like this too in the future. Nonsense answer for nonsense question.
     
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  12. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    Mine would be "fair to middling." Whixh actually just means "ok" but people don't expect it and will pause to think about what it actually means. Then they might think about what their question actually means.
     
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  13. ZebraAspie

    ZebraAspie Well-Known Member

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    Depends who’s asking and if I can speak truthfully. I find it difficult to identify a feeling and if I have to use an emotion card I want to do it without judgement.
     
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  14. Bronzelincolns

    Bronzelincolns Well-Known Member

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    i say "fine" and move on.