I am constantly explaining myself. It’s pretty much an obsession with me. I prefer people to have no doubts as to why I performed any given action. When I got out to eat at a restaurant, I ask for no ice in my drink. Instead of leaving it at that, I always explain to them, “I have very sensitive teeth, so I don’t like things ice cold if it can be helped.” When eating with a new crowd, after dumping salt over my food, I say, “I have a very weak sense of smell, so I don’t taste things very well. I have to add tons of salt to get much flavor out of it.”
Throughout my life, I’ve just had this intense longing to be understood. So many people either express confusion from things I do or say, or take things completely the wrong way. My exchanges with neurotypicals have been rough, for the most part. Because of this, I began doing the only thing I could think of to fight this- explain my actions at nearly every opportunity that isn’t perfectly clear. If I do something that may make people wonder, it’s hard to explain, I just experience this slight pressure in my mind until I get my intentions out in the open.
My father and grandmother discourage this. They tell me that people don’t care about things like why I don’t want ice in my drink. The thing is, they may not care about hearing it, but I care about saying it. I’ve heard them in many discussions, and they make their points clearly enough. They don’t understand my constant struggle to get my point across in so many issues. There have been times that I’ve neglected to explain myself, and I feel badly a good part of the day. I don’t like leaving my action’s intent up the imagination, as my thoughts will frequently consist of worry. “I hope they didn’t take that the wrong way,” I’ll think to myself.
So yes, I truly feel I must explain myself to others. I grew tired of the misunderstandings and taking action against that became more than a habit. I want the paths I take clear to those around me. When I step forward, I want no one’s view of it to be cloudy at all. When I do something outside the norm, expect my voice to ring out for clarification, whether it’s asked for or not. I grew tired of just hoping I would be understood. I finally decided to do something about it, and now I feel much more at ease with my behavior.
