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Do you feel like you don't belong here?

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i always felt like i was on my own never really fitted in i was a bit of an outsider which i liked
welcome peter(pedro )
 
like I'm stranded on an alien planet trying to mimic the behaviors of the locals but never quite getting it right. Like I'm barely passing as human. Not enough to build meaningful relationships but just enough not to arouse suspicion.
 
This is a multifaceted question to me because I've had almost 60 years to ponder this "feeling". But in some ways I still don't know how to answer this. It was different at different stages of maturation. Being young and often the "new kid" from moving around, I thought THIS was the reason I never fit in.. Plus a dysfunctional home where nobody "fit in" adds yet, another layer to the "alien onion". Looking back, that alien feeling around people became normal. Maybe I attributed "that feeling" to my look, the music I listened to, my special interests, or just that mysterious "something". It became the unspoken, uncomfortable "Normal". The uncomfortable part, reached a point after many failed relationships and waning social interaction, to just feeling more content not "trying so hard' and just doing my thing, in my space, on my terms. Doing the minimum of social graces for neighbor so as not to appear as the "ax murderer" next door. Yet, after the years rolled by, and repeated hauntings by that " unspoken, uncomfortable normal", I realized that isolation was not a healthy way to live. Recently, different problems at work with communication and adjustments to work demands, had me take a closer look at a curious disorder a coworker, almost 4 years ago, talked about regarding her son... Asperger Syndrome. Like falling through thin ice, the moment a few dots started to connect, I sank deeply into the dream like realization that I had found THE answer to a indefinable question that burdened every waking moment, with that unspoken, uncomfortable "normal".
 

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