Do you feel like the elephant in room? And I'm not talking weight here!

[fergusonh]

I have twin Aspies that are 7 and we had two birthday parties to go yesterday. When one of them says or does something strange, or has a meltdown ect. ect. I feel like the elephant in the room that everyone is staring at. These other parents are thinking what a brat her kids are and if I just had them for a week I could straighten them out. My chid is having a meltdown because he is hot and no one understands. They just think it is my child being defiant and I must have bad parenting skills if my child is acting this way. I have had other parents and family members tell me that a good spanking would fix all that. Does anyone else feel this way and feel that not only are your kids on another planet but you are too?

 

[epath13]

I have twin Aspies that are 7 and we had two birthday parties to go yesterday. When one of them says or does something strange, or has a meltdown ect. ect. I feel like the elephant in the room that everyone is staring at. These other parents are thinking what a brat her kids are and if I just had them for a week I could straighten them out. My chid is having a meltdown because he is hot and no one understands. They just think it is my child being defiant and I must have bad parenting skills if my child is acting this way. I have had other parents and family members tell me that a good spanking would fix all that. Does anyone else feel this way and feel that not only are your kids on another planet but you are too?

I have 2 kids, one officially diagnosed with ASD and one...we still can't figure out what's up with this guy but anyway my younger son, does have melt downs sometimes but people usually are very understanding because he's still very young (3) and cute (this apparently means a lot ). My older son has tantrums and meltdowns all the time (a bit less nowadays though, but still). Very small amount of people get annoyed by it, usually people have "ah, that poor boy is upset about something" expressions on their faces. I think it's much more difficult when a child severely disabled or when a child older but behaves like a toddler, it's more difficult for people to understand and therefore, to relate to the situation. Did people actually tell you that they behave like that because of the bad parenting etc? And if they did, did you have a chance to explain what's going on? I think once you start talking to people and explain more to the ones that don't understand or don't know know much about Autism, you might be surprised how much support you can get and how much less lonely you might feel.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I came from a family that was basically zero-tolerance on that issue (meltdowns), so I understand exactly what you are talking about. And I have to admit, it is hard for me, as a person on the spectrum that was not allowed to have meltdowns in public (and if I did I got my behind blistered, but that was in the bad old days) to see kids having meltdowns and then being told by the parents that the kid is autistic. One time I was in the supermarket and there was this kid making a fuss. When he and his dad got up to the checkout counter, his dad had his arm around him and was smiling at the kid. I thought WTF? What are you teaching this kid?

So like I say I have conflicted feelings on the issue and maybe it's a good thing I never had any kids of my own. Does physical punishment work? Yes! It definitely did in my case. It taught me fear. It taught me that if I did not do exactly as I was told when I was told I would feel pain and quite a lot of it. With a board. And a couple of times punched in the stomach. Oh yes, I learned for survival's sake to straighten up. But my compliance and obedience came at a price. But the goal was not my feelings, it was never my feelings. The goal was to produce a kid who could be taken out in public and they succeeded. That was the important thing.

Now things are a whole lot different, and I am not sure they are for the better, if you know what I mean. I see a lot of kids who can't function. I may not be happy but I am functioning. Which is better? I don't know. Could it have been handled differently, more humanely? I don't know.

 

[epath13]

Now that you've mentioned it. Once I went to a store in our neighborhood, usually I didn't have any issues, but that one time there was a guy who, just my guess, had very different opinion about how kids should behave. My older son had his usual, "I didn't say goodbye" crying attack. So that guy went completely out of control, I was already walking away and he was yelling something like "take the kid outside" or something like that. But it wasn't about what he said but about how he said it. Imagine that it was pretty busy in the store but suddenly it became quiet like on a graveyard. I think people are used to fear in our neighborhood, and you do have to be careful who to argue with, you never know who might be carrying a gun. But honestly he pissed me off so bad! Thanks god I'm not a guy I would probably do something stupid in this situation but anyway... I don't go to that store anymore, and I don't think I ever will. I know it's irrational but the whole situation, the unnecessary aggression made me sick even though I do get it, but can't approve it.

I wasn't allowed to have meltdowns either. My parents weren't aggressive they just kept telling me that such a behavior was a sign of weakness and I didn't want to look weak. But the problem with this position, especially with kids on the spectrum, is that they don't have a chance to get in touch with their emotions, to understand their emotions better. Instead those emotions are discarded as unnecessary, which can create lots of confusion later in life.
Allowing a child to do whatever they want is also not a solution, that basically mean that you ignoring their emotions because you still don't help your child to understand them.
I mean no parent is perfect but I'm hoping I'll be able to do my best not to repeat mistakes my parents have made.

 

[fergusonh]

thanks for the reply-we use 123 magic with our kids we give them 2 warnings and if they get to 3 they have to take a time out --but that is hard to do in a store--i usually take the m to the car but they fuss the whole way! Spanking does not work for us. our children get more aggitated and will get very aggressive. like hitting, biting, kicking, yelling ect. when we sendout it gives them tim them to thier room for a time e to cool off and when they come out they are good to go!