Do you ever feel like your never gonna be good Socially?

[matt000333]

I'm Matt be 30 in August I suffer from depression anyway but I get really depressed because I feel like i'm so far behind socially. I have accepted I will never be great at it maybe not even good but just being decent and being ok I would be good with. I don't always try hard have lack of motivation sometimes but even when I do it seems it is mostly all just over my head. I feel I have alot to offer for friendship to people but it's hard for me to learn socially what to say when to say something topics all that stuff and alot of time feels like my mind is just blank. Anyone find anything helpful or any of their own struggles to share please do.

 

[BraidedPony]

My social skills are pretty good for brief superficial moments. It the longer term things I have trouble with like friendships. I don’t know ven have any insight about why I struggle. It’s almost like what you said, my mind goes blank and I just can’t think of anything to say. I know that something should be said because there is a lull in the rhythm of the conversation.
I wish us both luck!

 

[Fino]

I feel the same way and don't think I'm capable of getting much better, so instead I've made most of my life consist of non-social activities and then the social activities typically involve people who understand me so it's okay.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Hello. Supposedly I am nuerotypical.
I would say the social awkward thing can be improved.
And many people have this issue. I have it.
It’s scary to put yourself out there.
Everyone around you seems so cool.
They seem comfortable saying whatever it is they say.
Well my advice is. Baby steps.
Take baby steps.
So for example, when you go to the grocery store, you say How are you? To the cashier.
He/she might roll their eyes because they are stressed out. Or they might mumble. But they might say, I’m ok, how are you?
If they do ask, just smile and say, “I’m good” And then you can just stand there. You don’t have to say anything else.
You don’t have to make a conversation.
If they continue to talk, just nod your head a little and smile.
When you get home, breathe a sigh of relief and give yourself a star!
And then, do again another day. With practice it won’t be so scary.
As for depression, please understand you aren’t alone.
They are many people that suffer and there are many people that have compassion.
Try to eat healthy (one big thing to do is to take omega 3 fish oil capsules, it has helped myself and my aspie husband tremendously)
I have had to practice social skills. I still do.
Join a book club. Maybe.
There is so much more I can tell you. But start small.
You have many things to teach others.
You have much to offer. Remember that.

 

[Thinx]

This is a tough one because the different autistic brain doesn’t fire the same and we don't get the cues NT people regard as an inbuilt and normal part of experience, we don't know what we don't know therefore and unfortunately the experience isn't the same as Being Shy. However knowing that about how I am has been useful, and factoring it in enables me to make careful choices about social connecting.

Think about what's right for you, what you can manage, what has potential to help or be interesting? For me, classes, groups with a common interest, practical courses, training in areas I am relatively good at, and work interaction all offer some doable social contact.

 

[Suzanne]

I have got to the point in my life where I want as little interaction as possible with others.

I am so tired of trying to be social and feeling mortified at the end of the evening, that I am saying: no more thanks.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

This is a tough one because the different autistic brain doesn’t fire the same and we don't get the cues NT people regard as an inbuilt and normal part of experience, we don't know what we don't know therefore and unfortunately the experience isn't the same as Being Shy. However knowing that about how I am has been useful, and factoring it in enables me to make careful choices about social connecting.

Think about what's right for you, what you can manage, what has potential to help or be interesting? For me, classes, groups with a common interest, practical courses, training in areas I am relatively good at, and work interaction all offer some doable social contact.

Wow, I still have much to learn. My husband seems to do ok. But, he does have eccentric friends.
I have seen him freeze up or totally withdraw.
Many times he doesn’t respond to people. Including me! But, I’m beginning to be ok with that most of the time.

 

[matt000333]

Thanks Catherine that is really encouraging advice I seem to have mostly mixed feelings these days I don't know if its same for everyone with Asperger's or if there are varying levels of it. But I tend to look inward alot like for example I read a story just the other day about an Aspergers guy who had trouble keeping a job. Like I have and he was even homeless for a while but managed to sell his book and is a success now. I was inspired but it also made me feel very insecure As I'm waiting on SSI Disability and have tryed to come up with a creative breakthrough like he has but not managed to find the solution. Have you learned anything that could help the creative juices get flowing?

 

[Gracey]

I’m not great socially,
But I never really have been

I was thinking about getting into funeral services as a job,
(For fifty long years I haven’t been much good with the living)

It used to worry me, get me down but;
and without bursting into song,
I am what I am.

 

[Progster]

I'm nearly 48 years old now and I think that it's about as good as it's going to get. I don't worry so much about it as I used to - I accept that I'm different and try to just be myself around people and some people might not like it, but some do and appreciate my different way of thinking, and that's the kind of people I want to have as friends anyway.

 

[Kevin1968]

This came up in my Facebook feed.

Might be useful?

129 Conversation Starters For Virtually Any Situation

 

[Deanomyite]

I’m not great socially,
But I never really have been

I was thinking about getting into funeral services as a job,
(For fifty long years I haven’t been much good with the living)

It used to worry me, get me down but;
and without bursting into song,
I am what I am.

I find it really (i guess) shocking that you said that about the funeral services. My wife has also said just about the exact same thing. The first time she said that i didn't quite understand the reasoning for it but i do now. She thinks she would feel safer around the dead because they can't expect anything from her, then she could relax and just be herself. I know this doesn't have much to do with the thread but felt i had to share. I really just thought she was alone in feeling that way about the funeral services.

 

[some/aspies/need/hugs/13]

For the record I haven't got good social skills also I need positive reinforcement from time to time but when I try to make myself look approachable it works out usually. Also I am very straight forward with people I am going to talk to regularly about my needs and limitations

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Thanks Catherine that is really encouraging advice I seem to have mostly mixed feelings these days I don't know if its same for everyone with Asperger's or if there are varying levels of it. But I tend to look inward alot like for example I read a story just the other day about an Aspergers guy who had trouble keeping a job. Like I have and he was even homeless for a while but managed to sell his book and is a success now. I was inspired but it also made me feel very insecure As I'm waiting on SSI Disability and have tryed to come up with a creative breakthrough like he has but not managed to find the solution. Have you learned anything that could help the creative juices get flowing?

Well, I would guess that anyone with Aspergers is unique. And what trips you up may not always trip up another. I know there are certain traits if you will, that are common.
I think people on the spectrum have a lot to offer.
Our society has valued one way of thinking or perceiving and so with that mind set we are limited.
But I’m not sure how a person with Aspergers can express their thoughts.

Hmmm. The creative inspiration block is the biggest obstacle that creatives deal with. I should know.
I am an artist. I paint, write, and sing and I am getting back to the piano. I love jazz. It’s hard to play.
It can really get you down when the creativity just won’t flow.
I’ve found that listening to music I like helps and also looking at art that other people have created helps.
I sometimes feel sad and anxious when I see what others have accomplished.
Do You write? What do you want to do?

 

[Catherine Crowne]

For the record I haven't got good social skills also I need positive reinforcement from time to time but when I try to make myself look approachable it works out usually though there are side benefits when I do try making myself look approachable but that is another topic.

Now I’m not sure, but do you feel it is a matter of practicing and then going from there to improve?
My husband seems to do quite well. Though at home he can withdraw quite a bit. I used to get upset at him. I didn’t understand and believed he didn’t care enough to engage with me more. Now I have a better understanding and I try to let him relax or just be in his head.
I Can see he still feels awkward with me. Like he really doesn’t like to talk in the phone unless he’s talking to someone about info he needs.
Asking him how his day went usually gets a short unhappy reply. He also says I don’t know, a lot.
I wish he could just relax. Sometimes he does.
Yes, there are benefits to making ones self approachable.
But does it feel uncomfortable to connect with people for you?

 

[some/aspies/need/hugs/13]

Depends for me I have trust issues with males so most friends of mine have been females. I have a really easy time making female friends because I tend to be very sensitive and I am very open and honest also I have a rather boyish and innocent way about me most of the time so that helps also women tend to break the ice by asking me if I want a hug for some reason but I like hugs so I have not turned a woman down in twelve years lol.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

All the time. My social skills are bad. It also does not help that I live in a house where the saying "forgive and forget" does not exist and "holding a grudge" is the thing to do.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I have a really easy time making female friends

Wow lucky you. I find talking to females extremely hard I mean really hard. Also reading this posts excluding the OP which I agree with makes me more sad as your lives socially is easier. Just look and my dang Aspie score 172 of 200 is terrible.

 

[some/aspies/need/hugs/13]

Tony it is not an impossible task I have been at my absolute worst and very socially awkward at the time and made a friend because I tell you if you are honest and kind most females are very accepting as long as you don't start being flirtatious or creepy just remember be a kind person and they will be kind back also I find supportive friends at social events like pickings and jamborees where they play music in an informal setting most of the women at those events love to dance and you don't have to speak much just ask if they want to dance and go dancing and they are usually pretty nice and if you don't know how to dance just say so they will gladly lead and you just follow. There are events to suit your taste in Brooklyn I am sure Tony and I don't know where Matt lives but these events are fairly common and usually the number of people is fairly low I usually take earplugs in case they get a bit loud though

 

[some/aspies/need/hugs/13]

Also Tony you could try taking ballroom dance class, yoga, pottery, painting classes if you are interested in doing things the safe way by being friends before you become bf and gf
Also remember a relationship needs care just like a baby it takes time to grow and mature.
So basically it has some simple ingredients
Trust
Respect
Support
Sharing
Honesty
Safety