Do you ever feel like your never gonna be good Socially?

[Bolletje]

I’ll never be a natural, but through practice I’ve gotten better and better. I’ve gotten good enough at socializing that most people don’t believe I’m on the spectrum when I tell them.
They don’t see the struggle that goes on behind the scenes, so to speak. Because it still takes effort to socialize, I just got less awkward doing it.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

I’ll never be a natural, but through practice I’ve gotten better and better. I’ve gotten good enough at socializing that most people don’t believe I’m on the spectrum when I tell them.
They don’t see the struggle that goes on behind the scenes, so to speak. Because it still takes effort to socialize, I just got less awkward doing it.

I would like to understand what goes on in preparation or in your head with that. Can you share?

 

[matt000333]

Well, I would guess that anyone with Aspergers is unique. And what trips you up may not always trip up another. I know there are certain traits if you will, that are common.
I think people on the spectrum have a lot to offer.
Our society has valued one way of thinking or perceiving and so with that mind set we are limited.
But I’m not sure how a person with Aspergers can express their thoughts.

Hmmm. The creative inspiration block is the biggest obstacle that creatives deal with. I should know.
I am an artist. I paint, write, and sing and I am getting back to the piano. I love jazz. It’s hard to play.
It can really get you down when the creativity just won’t flow.
I’ve found that listening to music I like helps and also looking at art that other people have created helps.
I sometimes feel sad and anxious when I see what others have accomplished.
Do You write? What do you want to do?

One day I want to play Poker for a living but for right now while i'm waiting on SSI I was thinking of trying to write something even if its just a childern's book.

 

[matt000333]

I’ll never be a natural, but through practice I’ve gotten better and better. I’ve gotten good enough at socializing that most people don’t believe I’m on the spectrum when I tell them.
They don’t see the struggle that goes on behind the scenes, so to speak. Because it still takes effort to socialize, I just got less awkward doing it.[/QUOTE
Any techniques you practiced that helped?

 

[Catherine Crowne]

One day I want to play Poker for a living but for right now while i'm waiting on SSI I was thinking of trying to write something even if its just a childern's book.

Huh, I’ve never played poker.
As for writing, I believe that is a great idea.
Have you ever thought of writing a children’s book about the challenges of ASD from a child’s point of view?
I have.
I started thinking about it recently.
But, the issue for me is that I don’t really know what it is like for a child. Or an adult for that matter.
One idea for you on the writing is to write out all the challenges you had as a child.
Then write out what you thought.
Write out what you thought others thought!
I am very curious, as I don’t understand.

 

[Bolletje]

Any techniques you practiced that helped?

No techniques, just learning by doing. I use every opportunity for socializing as a way to hone my skills. For instance, I used to dislike getting a haircut because of chatty hairdressers, but now I use the chatty hairdresser as a test subject for conversation skills. If a conversation does go bad I try to learn from it instead of beating myself up over it. When possible, I ask for feedback to see what went wrong.
And for a period of time I went to bars a lot and just struck up random conversations with people. That really helped as well.

 

[Bolletje]

I would like to understand what goes on in preparation or in your head with that. Can you share?

I don’t really prepare, unless I am on my way to a conversation I’m nervous about, such as a job interview. In that case I try to go over what I want to say and how to say it.

 

[RosaViolet]

I'm Matt be 30 in August I suffer from depression anyway but I get really depressed because I feel like i'm so far behind socially. I have accepted I will never be great at it maybe not even good but just being decent and being ok I would be good with. I don't always try hard have lack of motivation sometimes but even when I do it seems it is mostly all just over my head.

Matt, these are classic symptoms of depression, are you getting any treatment for your depressive mood? With the right help it is really possible to feel better fast and be much more positive about yourself and your prospects. Of course you have a lot to offer!
You are not so useless as you ant to sound, I am sure, it is a mood getting in a way of seeing yourself for the wonderful piece of joy that you are

it's hard for me to learn socially what to say when to say something topics all that stuff and alot of time feels like my mind is just blank.

It is harder when we are in low mood, it undermined one's confidence and motivation. Try to relax, don't pile up pressure on yourself. Is there a way you could connect to some compatible people by relying on some of your other skills and strengths?

When I was at college I had a lot of friends, they appreciated me for various things I was good at [ I suppose, they must have because now I can't think of anything specific I am good for, but there you have it, I had friends so they must have had their reasons ]. So there absolutely are reasons people would want to be friends with you just the way you are. You just need to find a way to find those people.

Bother, how do you do that, eh? My husband likes repairing bikes, so he gets lots of contact this way... I mean anything you could get involved with. Gaming, movies, book reviews, sports, hiking groups, wilde life, repairing classic cars, star trek convention, whatever you can do.

I'm nearly 48 years old now and I think that it's about as good as it's going to get. I don't worry so much about it as I used to - I accept that I'm different and try to just be myself around people and some people might not like it, but some do and appreciate my different way of thinking, and that's the kind of people I want to have as friends anyway.

Yes, ultimately you need to accept and love yourself for who you are. Stop apologising. You don't need to. You are fine, the right people will appreciate you . Too bad for the other people who don't . It's their loss and you don't need, don't have any time and mental and emotional space to worry about them.

The thing that really get's your social skills and conversation going is to be relaxed. The thing that makes you creative is confidence.

Try to focus on finding a balance, doing something satisfying that is building you up, that reduces anxiety, improves your mood, your communication, your confidence.
I think all spies go through ups and downs, I know the feeling. You will feel better and things will look up.

 

[RosaViolet]

Wow lucky you. I find talking to females extremely hard I mean really hard... Just look and my dang Aspie score 172 of 200 is terrible.

On the note of strengths.. I read a lot about autistic husbands expressing their love through work and other manly acts of DIY...
So are there any skills you could put to use, that ladies might find quite erotic, like lifting heavy stuff, repairing things, tango dancing, ... I don't know.
Channelling your inner Superman.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

No techniques, just learning by doing. I use every opportunity for socializing as a way to hone my skills. For instance, I used to dislike getting a haircut because of chatty hairdressers, but now I use the chatty hairdresser as a test subject for conversation skills. If a conversation does go bad I try to learn from it instead of beating myself up over it. When possible, I ask for feedback to see what went wrong.
And for a period of time I went to bars a lot and just struck up random conversations with people. That really helped as well.

Wow great pointers. Especially the idea of just going to the bar and striking up conversation. I guess

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Wow great pointers. Especially the idea of just going to the bar and striking up conversation. I guess

I guess it’s less strategy and just more doing.

 

[matt000333]

Thanks for the reply Rosaviolet. I am receiving medication and some therapy for me depression it gets pretty severe at times. My therapist try's her best to help but honestly most of it does not only picked up a few helpful things I can use. I guess in 8 more sessions I will be done because there is such a long waiting list for therapy I have been receiving it for almost a year. But i'm not too upset I have been to different therapist and done it for years it has helped some but not alot. Because i'm stuck in same position financially so I can't challenge myself to many new experiences that I can talk about. I do agree with you about if I can find ways to relax more I think it would help a whole lot. I think I could do a few things but relaxing fully is hard to do because i'm waiting on SSI disability. I think main thing is to find a balance between being too hard on myself and being too easy on myself. I feel like there could be big things ahead for myself Do you think that means anything that feeling? I have always been a late bloomer type so things could still be good. In some ways I am amazed I am even still alive been alot of negative people in my life never really had kind of support system needed to succeed and enough bad that has happened that has made for alot of suicidal idealization. Just one attempt years ago but i'm figuring out things needed to do when I can afford it to set myself up for a good positive life.

 

[Jojo_LB]

I don't think I'll ever be "good" at socializing. I've tried really hard to get it for so many years, but, I still don't understand how people do it. And I'm 35 now.

I've been in a lot of situations where there's potential to socialize, because I've worked a lot of different jobs and I've had jobs where I had to work with many different people. I usually gravitated towards the extroverts who loved to talk a lot, because they just like to go on and on and I can just nod and smile lol and they are good at asking questions about other people. And I can only do one-on-one socializing. If a third person joins the conversation, everything gets messed up for me.

I watch other people who do really well socializing, and I think to myself, "How are they doing that?" My best friend is an extroverted introvert, and she is a natural at striking up conversations with other people. My husband is an introvert, but while he doesn't easily strike up conversations with others as well as my friend does, he does alright, and he can actually keep conversations going. I observe these two all the time, and I'm like, "How??" lol I do alright I guess. I have endured and survived social situations. It still does not feel natural to me, and at this point, I don't think it ever will. I just wait for some obvious sign that I'm supposed to talk (someone asks me a question about myself, or a topic in which I'm at least somewhat knowledgeable), and I look to my husband or my friend all the time for cues so I don't look like the odd duckling out. If they're smiling, I'm smiling. If they're nodding, I'll nod slightly too.

Sometimes my ADHD makes me fail at social situations because I tend to just get totally lost and not hear what others are saying 'cause I start to daydream, or think about that random thing that happened five days ago. Or there are other more interesting stimuli that grab my attention (or annoying ones that irritate and put me in a bad mood, depends on what the stimuli are and how I'm feeling at the moment) and I lose track of the conversation.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Thanks for the reply Rosaviolet. I am receiving medication and some therapy for me depression it gets pretty severe at times. My therapist try's her best to help but honestly most of it does not only picked up a few helpful things I can use. I guess in 8 more sessions I will be done because there is such a long waiting list for therapy I have been receiving it for almost a year. But i'm not too upset I have been to different therapist and done it for years it has helped some but not alot. Because i'm stuck in same position financially so I can't challenge myself to many new experiences that I can talk about. I do agree with you about if I can find ways to relax more I think it would help a whole lot. I think I could do a few things but relaxing fully is hard to do because i'm waiting on SSI disability. I think main thing is to find a balance between being too hard on myself and being too easy on myself. I feel like there could be big things ahead for myself Do you think that means anything that feeling? I have always been a late bloomer type so things could still be good. In some ways I am amazed I am even still alive been alot of negative people in my life never really had kind of support system needed to succeed and enough bad that has happened that has made for alot of suicidal idealization. Just one attempt years ago but i'm figuring out things needed to do when I can afford it to set myself up for a good positive life.

I am sad you’ve been through some tough times.
Keep trying.
Just your comments on this forum help me.
I am so called NT and I read a lot on here to understand and it helps me relate to my undiagnosed husband. Your comments mean much to me.

 

[blue_bird]

Solitude for me is like living in a tree house, right at the top of the tallest tree of a jungle.

Being sociable will be like climbing down to ground level and surviving all the wild, scary beasts, and navigating the inhospitable terrain.

In order to be good socially, I'll have to be at ease at ground level.

It's not happened yet.

 

[Catherine Crowne]

Wow that’s a very comprehensive analogy.