Do you care that you've had no 'personal' or social life?

[forstem99]

I know that some aspies in this position seem not to care about these things, even find the idea of an intimate life distasteful. Whereas some, like me, regard it as a painful failure never having had a close relationship (or been able to understand them).
How do you feel? What causes the difference in reaction? Personality, position on the spectrum, self-esteem?

 

[StephF]

I with I was better at interacting in a social manner. Although a lot of the time I'm glad I don't as I don't tolerate fools easily.

 

[Spiller]

Both I and my sister are Aspies, I feel emotion strongly while she does not; I crave social interaction & feel better for it, when I can get it, touch starved when I, usually, can't; she enjoys socialising occasionally, but isn't too concerned.
I think it comes down to the ASD traits each of us has and how prominent they are.
But I agree, it's very painful

 

[Spiller]

What causes the difference in reaction? Personality, position on the spectrum, self-esteem?

Self esteem's a biggie, I've never successfully asked a girl out - the two relationships I've had, they asked me, the second even liked me, not my money! (though didn't have much left after the first ).
I'm working on joining an Aspergers group & a group for Depressives (that one might be a bit of a downer though) to get out among other people to try to trigger social interactions.
I observe that, for humans, there's a natural social cascade effect where one contact becomes five, becomes fifty, seemingly with no effort; actually, for them it's all subconcious - they're doing the work but're unaware of it.
For us, we have to work at every tiny bit!
Are you doing anything to 'put yourself out there?'

 

[Harrison]

I currently have no personal or social life, however, that was not always the case as I have been married and had may years of being in relationships.

Right now do I care?

I enjoy the time I have to myself, sometimes I miss having a partner to interact with, cuddle up to, or tell me my jokes are bad. Occasionally I also miss social interactions with other folk, although I do something about that and actually leave my home.

On the whole I am happier than I have been as there are minimal dramas in my life.

 

[Kirsty]

At the moment, I don't really care as much anymore because I have college and work to commit to, so having a life is not my priority just now, but self care is. I am enjoying being alone, but do miss company at times. It's only natural. I am taking one day at a time so life doesn't overwhelm me. When I get overwhelmed I really miss someone being there for me so I try to just take things slowly. I don't miss having a social life like parties, as when I did go out, I found it hard to interact with people anyway and didn't get drunk. I'm much happier living a simple life walking in nature and painting, etc.

 

[Juturna]

I enjoy socializing and conversing with others about something I'm already interested in. Such as playing video games together, but no string attached that we now have to be friends, or hang out. Just that we have fun together or accomplish whatever we want while we do so. (Given games are a big interest of mine, MMOs have been a godsend in terms of social interaction).

Socializing for the sake of socializing? And telling each other how wonderful you are and how much you love each other? No. I'm not against friendships or forming bonds, but not doing so... for the sake of doing so? Socializing for the sake of socializing (except if I really like them), seems forced and I don't like it.

So I have a social life, but not one based upon bonds - if this makes any sense. But I've never really had that sort of social life. I guess there has to be a distinction made between the two though.

 

[The Penguin]

It was something I used to care a lot about until a few years ago. When I finally got my driving license and was able to leave my local area, I learned I was able to enjoy myself being alone. This is because I was able to explore many places I never been to before. I really like camping and hiking. Since I live in a very large country, there so many places to see. So long as I'm out there doing things I like, I can enjoy doing things alone.

Though I won't lie it would be nice to have a social life, I find it hard to connect with people. Even though many people say there are many hiking groups out there, It might be hard to work out as I'm a person go at my own pace and take many photos and videos. I really enjoy studying nature and animals.

In some ways I can say I do have a social life. But instead of having it with humans, it is with animals.

 

[Judge]

I care about having the ability to socialize, not so much socialization itself. I recognize occasional needs and advantages in having to deal with others. In certain cases I consider it a "survival skill" of sorts.

Yet I also recognize that how one relates or does not relate to socialization as a possible benchmark to where they reside on the spectrum of autism. Mostly given the experience of meeting a few others here who openly expressed no interest to socialize, and could not understand anyone who did.

 

[Cali Cat]

When I was young, I used to have more desire for socializing. I think that was because I hadn't yet experienced much of it. I wanted to relate to someone, but I only found one or two people (also on the spectrum) over my childhood who fit the bill. Luckily, I met my second husband early in my twenties, and we had a strong connection for many years. I also put myself in very uncomfortable situations in order to socialize and be part of a social clique. I honestly think I got it out of my system. I "experienced" relating to someone else (my late husband), and I knew how it felt to be part of a group. Now, I'm perfectly happy being alone with my cats. I truly prefer it that way. Through all of my awkward socializing, I realized it wasn't all I'd cracked it up to be. There was a big downside to having close relationships with people: they really wear me out.

I think it comes down to individual personality and whatever AS traits are most prominent.

 

[Etzelaire]

I'd like to have more friends but I haven't found yet the proper ones. I should open a casting hahah.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I am really lucky right now, in that there are two people in my life who make me feel at home. One is my best friend, the other currently couldn't be technically called a friend, yet makes me feel comfortable and happy.
This state is unusual, usually I feel very isolated, even if I'm around a lot of people. During those periods, being alone hurts, but being with other people ends up being worse.
Also, there's my online contact with everyone at AC, which has gotten me through several tough times.

 

[OddGirl]

I'm not very socially driven. It doesn't really bother me to be alone most of the time. I was more social as a kid, but it was so much easier to be so.. We were practically segregated by age in school, so it was much easier to find friends with common interests. It is much harder to make friends as an adult. I work nights, and that makes meeting people and socializing even tougher.
Most of my pastimes are solitary.. I read a lot, draw, play games on my iPad, do puzzles.

 

[clg114]

I very few friends and do not see them very often. I value my alone time and my wife knows that. However, without my wife I would be totally lost. She is a NT and is very social. What social life I have is with her. She guides me thru the NT world. So, guess I have the best of both worlds.

 

[Judge]

I very few friends and do not see them very often. I value my alone time and my wife knows that. However, without my wife I would be totally lost. She is a NT and is very social. What social life I have is with her. She guides me thru the NT world. So, guess I have the best of both worlds.

Yes- it does sound like you're in the best of both worlds. Well done.

 

[anne.bc]

I care about having friends and variety of friends. I feel alone constantly anyway, much like when a slender girl looks in the mirror and thinks she's fat. I have "chronic loneliness", it seems.

 

[Judge]

I have "chronic loneliness", it seems.

I suspect most of us do. That inherent feeling that for whatever reason, we just don't fit in. Even when surrounded by others.

I like being alone. I hate being alone. That for many of us they're practically interchangeable. Perhaps the most difficult thing to explain to NTs. Maybe even ourselves.

 

[anne.bc]

I suspect most of us do. That inherent feeling that for whatever reason, we just don't fit in. Even when surrounded by others.

I like being alone. I hate being alone. That for many of us they're practically interchangeable. Perhaps the most difficult thing to explain to NTs. Maybe even ourselves.

Yes!!!! And I really want to be accepted anyway but I feel like I've scared away a good chunk of my colleagues because they didn't understand me. Made a bad first impression perhaps, but there are folks that back me, so that is always comforting. But still: I feel like that one weird kid that no one ever wants to talk to, but I want to beat that!

 

[bentHnau]

Whereas some, like me, regard it as a painful failure never having had a close relationship (or been able to understand them).

Are you saying that you regard not having had relationships as a failure and you haven't been able to understand relationships? Or you personally regard not having had relationships as a failure, and some other people might not understand relationships?

Since you've phrased the thread title in the past tense, I will take the opportunity to answer it that way, rather than according to how I presently feel, which is complicated: I'm glad that I had no social life in the past. Now that I know more about what people are like, I suspect that my younger, more naive self would have had many unpleasant interactions with other people if I had socialized more, which would have been exacerbated by my torturingly long memory for unpleasant social experiences.

 

[AsheSkyler]

My early teen years were spent raising pet chickens, and despite the heartache of all the predatory deaths, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. I don't mind having limited human interaction if it mean I could be hunting bugs with all those little feat and beaks again or enjoying a lovely patch of sunshine for a dust or sun bath. How many human friends could I have that would be willing to go find bugs and laze around in the sun and dirt?