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Featured Do you care how others perceive you?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Aspiegirl75, Mar 19, 2017.

  1. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    Like the title suggests, I have lived my life fearing how others may perceive me and really putting on mask after mask after mask to try to please everybody.
    At one point in my life, maybe mid to late thirties, I had a complete burnout!
    That was when I decided I don't need friends anymore let alone toxic relatives, and just shut myself in with my immediate family. The more time that passed, the more revelations I had! I was able to analyze a lot of things in my life and found out that I was always trying to please somebody, even if it was completely against my nature to do so.
    Nowadays , I care so much less, and even though I still have to rationalize to get myself to that state, I can do it!
    I ask myself a series of questions, like why do I care what they think of me and such, and in the end (most times) I'm able to reach the 'healthy' conclusion.
    Anybody else out there suffer from this?
     
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  2. AustinTheAspie

    AustinTheAspie Just Another Member

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    I'm the same way. Lots of people in my town are very superficial and inconsiderate for other people; so I find I have to put on a mask constantly just so they can leave me the hell alone. Once I get the funds, I'm moving out of this place.
     
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  3. 8398

    8398 Well-Known Member

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    I don't have friends outside of here either, just family. And unfortunately it seems impossible to not care what they think of me. I'm extreme about it too, they don't actually know a whole lot about me, I hide a lot.... not sure why.
    I think it makes sense to care what they think of me, but I care to a fault.
    But during school I was always strategizing on how to act.
    Old ladies are very inspiring in how they often don't give a crap, they know what's up.
     
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  4. xudo

    xudo something and nothing

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    To some degree, I do because I think it's only natural, but as I've gotten older only really in terms of those who mean a lot to me. For the most part though, nope. I wouldn't look the way I did if I cared what people thought about me that much, because being stared at all the time would be a nightmare :p
     
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  5. toothless

    toothless this is mr shadow,my support cat

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    i dont care what people think of me, because of the level of my autism i am ego centric and to away in my own world to care about what others think about me.
    i do care if its professionals saying stuff about me inside my legal care documents,ie,they say i have something i dont have or do something i dont do, how can untrained biased support staff have the right to write stuff from their opinion about your medical diagnoses?
    i will argue until wrong items are removed and i might do a formal complaint about them if it was particulary bad.
    i just dont like anyones folder to say something it shouldnt,i follow the rules religeously.
     
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  6. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    I'm totally the same way. I'm still constantly trying to please my family, other people though, not so much.
    I like to think of it as 'getting in touch with my inner *****!':p
    Don't get me wrong, people still don't realize that I'm being rude or whatever, because I'm definitely not. I still am very civil, but just don't want to keep taking crap from the world around me! Hopefully soon I won't care at all, still not quite there.
    I , also understand what you mean by people not knowing a lot about you. I'm the same way, even my husband who knows me better than anyone, still doesn't know much about what goes on inside of me. Heck, nobody even every knows what to get for my birthday, because I guess, I'm such a mystery!!!:mad: While I hit the nail on the head with EVERYBODY, because I always pick the perfect gift, which I think is still a part of needing to be liked and accepted.
    I know the feeling, living in a small town stinks! I hope everything works out for you!
     
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  7. umbrellabeach

    umbrellabeach Well-Known Member

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    Only if I have to interact with them. I actually prefer for most people to dislike me rather than like me because then they're more likely to leave me alone.
     
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  8. 8398

    8398 Well-Known Member

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    Yep I care nothing of what strangers think. Oh I totally relate to the present thing! I get gift cards and pajamas every Christmas and every birthday, for years. I have a lifetimes worth of pajamas, not sure how that all started. But this year I have opened up a little about how I like the idea of gardening, maybe I'll get seeds for my seed collection, lol. Probably not, I bet I'll get more pajamas.
     
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  9. Propianotuner

    Propianotuner Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Conditionally. I don't want to care, but the exigencies of life don't afford that luxury.
     
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  10. ksheehan88

    ksheehan88 :)

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    Couldn't care less what strangers think of me, but I care too much what people I care about think.
     
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  11. Lifesahaze

    Lifesahaze Active Member

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    Yep, all the time. It's annoying and I tell myself I shouldn't care... but I do. It's why it can take me hours to write a single E-mail, and many hours agonising over my interactions. I think for me I've suffered the consequences of people having the wrong perceptions of me, and that's stayed with me. When I was a kid I didn't know that people had perceptions, let alone of me!
     
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  12. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    Oh wow. I could have totally written that post! You are so right about past experiences being the reason. I was the exact same way as a child. My ex therapist called it 'conditioning'. We have been conditioned by past experiences to react a certain way.
    After my burnout, I knew I couldn't live the same way anymore. So I developed these questions that I ask myself;
    Is this going to be an inconvenience?
    Then why do I want to do it?
    Why do I care so much if they like me?.....etc.
    You get the gist. Anyway, I find that now more often than not, I can stop myself, because I'm logical and the answers to the questions just proved that caring so much is not very logical.
    I also agree about the email thing!
    Some things I just can't help myself with, it is so frustrating.
    I think that with age though (hopefully), this aspect of our lives might get better.
     
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  13. EstimatedProphet

    EstimatedProphet Rising up to Paradise

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    One of the umpteen psychologists I've met put it this way: "Anxiety" is the difference between (a) where you think you should be and (b) where you really are. Perhaps one might then say that "Social Anxiety" is the difference between (a) how you want others to perceive you and (b) how you really are.

    The role of shame in all of this is most important. I think of shame as when the anxieties/weaknesses you have are unintentionally revealed to others, or the fear of the same. When the masks and shields dont' work and come crashing down. Cynthia Kim discusses this (the shame we feel) in detail in Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate.

    I think it's something you/we will never totally overcome, but it's worth the fight!
     
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  14. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    SHAME! That's the word I've lived with, without even knowing what it was!
    Your whole post just resonated with me and all made sense. Thank you!!!
     
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  15. EstimatedProphet

    EstimatedProphet Rising up to Paradise

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    Thankfully, I found the blog post wherein Cynthia Kim talks about shame. This is in Chapter 10 of her book. I think you will find it most helpful!

    The One Where I Talk to Myself About Shame
     
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  16. James Hardy

    James Hardy Well-Known Member

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    i don't care. thats all that realy got me through life dealing with people before i was diagnosed
     
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  17. Vegenigma

    Vegenigma Active Member

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    interesting topic. For me, I must be a bit farther away on the spectrum because I notice when people react to my quirks. Outside of my business world, I don't care as much but it bothers me when I catch people making fun of me and I don't socialize much. In the business world, I care a lot because I need my business to succeed and my customers need to like me and my services or I will fail. I really hate that people have to be petty and judgemental when they encounter someone who doesn't act like they think they should. I don't mean anyone any ill-will I just act differently and don't express myself in ways that are normally accepted.
     
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  18. nakedphil

    nakedphil Well-Known Member

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    I no longer care about anything to do with myself.
     
  19. Anna Marie Raisbeck

    Anna Marie Raisbeck Well-Known Member

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    I try not to think about what others think of me, but it rarely works. I'm always conscious of what others think of me, to the point where I can't leave the house. Although saying that some days are better than others. If I'm having a bad day I'm so self conscious I can't do anything.
     
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  20. ZebraAspie

    ZebraAspie Well-Known Member

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    I'd like to say I don't, I try not no but yes I do. I go to a special needs 6th for which is part of a main stream school and hate the looks I get fro people when I am with certain wit certain people and yes know shouldn't care but do. Sometimes I just want to blend it.
     
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