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Do people like us feel love? (in the way that "normal" people do)

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Connor Malone, Sep 24, 2021.

  1. Connor Malone

    Connor Malone Well-Known Member

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    Been going out with a girl for almost 4 years now and today I decided to end it as I'm moving away for my job and long distance is unlikely to work. On top of all that I've had a good time with this girl. I've enjoyed the time we spent together but I just never felt that I loved her as much as she loved me. I liked her but I just felt nothing. I guess what I want to know is this. Will I feel this way forever or have I just not met "the right person yet" I feel really bad for her as this breakup for her seemingly came out of nowhere and I told her that it would be cruel for me to keep going out with her and not give her 100%. Any suggestions or experience?
     
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  2. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit Keep trying to be as amazing as you really are V.I.P Member

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    You are throwing away a stable supportive alliance with a compatible person to accommodate a change in venue? For a job?

    Did you invite her to come along? Four years she put up with you? Is she *edit for decency * broken or defective or married or something?

    I would sell my saddle for someone to come home to, or even someone who actually cared that I only got to see on weekends sometimes , it's a lonely life for some of us.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2021
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  3. Neonatal RRT

    Neonatal RRT Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hot topic. Plenty of other threads on this.

    Do autistics give, receive, and feel love? The short answer is "YES". However, I do think it may be in a "different way" or perhaps on a "different level". When I say this,...I am not sure how to accurately describe it.

    I am 54 and have been married for over 35 years. She is my partner, she is my rock, I deeply respect her, I support her, I do everything I can to be the best partner for her. I think this is where sometimes people may say, "You have to work at a relationship." I am willing and motivated to do that for her,...but not with others. Some people have this observation that domestic cats in the home will typically find one person to bond with,...and ignore or retreat from the others,...and find it similar to how many autistics behave. I am like that with my wife,...not my family,...or children,...just her.

    Many, not all autistics, have a connectivity or conduction issue within the hypothalamus-to-posterior pituitary communication. The posterior pituitary is, in part, responsible for the release of oxytocin and vasopressin,...the so-called "love hormones" responsible for that initial euphoria when you are new in a relationship. These hormones are also responsible for assisting in seeking out social interaction,...what makes you want to join a group or walk up to that secret crush and talk to them. There are several studies using oxytocin nasal sprays in autistic children to help them with social interactions. At any rate, if you are one of these individuals,...and I suspect I am,...you might not have as strong of social bonding as someone else. But,...all is not lost. Obviously, my wife and I have made this work.

    At some point in any long-term relationship, those hormones are going to drop off,...life happens, responsibilities, job stress, you have to live with this other person, their cute little quirks might become irritating, you become less forgiving with miscommunications, leading to arguments,...so on a so forth. Communication style needs to be sorted out early. Never lying,...even if it might hurt the other person. Never hiding things from the other person,...even if it might hurt the other person. No insecure, controlling behaviors. Supporting each other is also vital. Is this other person "your happy place",...are you to them? So, again, this is where the so-called "work" comes in,...and you each have to trust each other with literally everything, but once you get on a plateau of understanding, it ceases to be work and is actually quite easy.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2021
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  4. 1ForAll

    1ForAll Active Member

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    It's hard to say, as some persons are just not into marriage and a very long term commitment until they find that person that really they could not do without and really love enough to want things more legal. Granted it would have been preferable you ended things sooner with her, if you knew earlier she was not the one for you for marriage or longer term commitment, and I hope you were not telling her you loved her much and often, which could have led to her thinking there was a pretty big chance of marriage, as that's possibly why she stayed and as she could have found another then, or not put forth as much efforts if she knew it was more temporary relationship.

    But, it's your right to go, and to learn from this experience, both good, neutral and any bad, just as she likely got got, neutral and bad too, those years together or dating. The last thing I would tell anyone would be for them to stay longer in a relationship than they desire, no matter who is at fault for the breakup, or to get married because the other one will be very upset otherwise. Yes, she could be really upset now, but she'd likely be more upset if things went even longer and you backed away then, or if you were married and were showing you wanted out of the relationship, and as your heart, body and efforts could be elsewhere. There is lot of responsibility with legal or promised commitment, and even more so if a child and a divorce occurs.

    For those here who may want to just blame one side, um, we just have basic information here, and each side must have gotten something from the relationship to have stayed that long. We cannot assume anyone wanted any marriage, regardless who felt or showed more love. These days more women are becoming more independent, and not relying as much on men, as they either have careers or are less interested in children. But, hopefully both men and women are honest to each other once the dating or relationship seems to being going on for a longer period, with clearly stated intentions, desires or needs, and/or to have communications open there.

    Too often assumptions can be made during relationships or persons give false hope. As long as both sides were upfront, I see no problem with the relationship having ending as it did. I rather have than that abuse, cheating and neglect, and one or both sides hanging on for the wrong reasons.
     
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  5. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    YES. I believe what I feel for my spouse of 42 years is love. Now it is not the giddy excitement of hormones and learning each other, but a deep fondness. I met her as I was putting myself together, breaking out of my cage of isolation and had begun dating and when she accepted me, the first woman to do so, it was like getting hit between the eyes by a 2x4. I was head over heels over her, especially learning of our compatibility in many aspects of our lives. With the quality of our courtship we recognized that any work we would put into the relationship was both worthwhile and bonding. It gave me the security to move to Chicago. Neither of us was earning a lot then, but we substituted experiences for money. We were married a year to the day that we met. It has been quite a ride and we still put in work for our relationship.
     
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  6. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    This makes me sad.
     
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  7. Suzette

    Suzette Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Maybe the problem isn't "love" but your definition of it. If you expect to feel "complete" or expect that love will somehow change your inner being, it won't really happen. You will always be yourself.
    You may find, with the right person, you admire them and feel that they inspire you to be your best self, but they won't actually make you a better person.
     
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  8. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    Every autistic is different. Once upon a time, I had a Great Love. And it was reciprocated.

    I fell in love with her instantly when I saw her face. Four o'clock in the morning by the light of a traffic control wand, while getting into formation to march to technical training in the good ole USAF. I was holding it up to try to identify someone in my training flight and said something about feeling like Diogenes. She instantly fell in love with me. 'Least that's what she said.

    She was the most beautiful woman in the world, as any partner in love ought to be. Music would literally start playing when I saw her. All the slow-mo tropes of lovers running together after having been apart for too long happened every day - for weeks. We were inseparable in our free time and weekends were torrid in local motels - that is, those weekends we could get passes to leave the base. After a couple of months of this, we were engaged. Even took her home over Christmas leave to meet her parents and then my Dad.

    It didn't work out. She graduated before me and went off to her posting. I graduated and followed. While we were apart she'd had second thoughts. There was some break-up sex and I was sent on my way. I was seriously contemplating suicide. Even had the music picked out I wanted to listen to on my way out. The only reason I didn't kill myself was that it would hurt her if she found out. This was the most painful single event of my entire life.

    Fast forward several years. I meet my future wife. We are friends with benefits for about a year. She didn't want to commit to more because I wasn't making enough money to support a family. I stumble into a position with Lockheed that pays a decent amount. After traveling to Israel to check with another boyfriend to make sure he wasn't still interested, we move in together to figure out if we are compatible. We live together for several months and get engaged. The whole time she's telling her mother that I'm renting the second bedroom from her, NOT that we are living together.

    35 years later we're still married with two kids out the door.

    That overwhelming deep romantic love is as intoxicating as any drug. It is an experience I would not trade. But as the Bard wrote...

    These violent delights have violent ends
    And, in their triumph, die like fire and powder
    Which, as they kiss, consume.
    The sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness,
    And in the taste, confounds the appetite;
    Therefore love moderately, long love doth so.
    Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
     
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  9. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Do we feel love the way 'normal' people do? Hard to say. I definitely feel love, but not sure how to tell if it's the same as someone else's feelings.

    Two things that could possibly happen after the scenario you describe are, that your ex grieves then gets over you, possibly feeling a sense of betrayal and distaste for you in memory.

    You might miss her more than you expect.

    I would have stayed with the first person I loved forever, still in love, but unfortunately it wasn't mutual. Once I realised that, I left. I don't regret it.
     
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  10. jleeb05

    jleeb05 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Romeo and Juliet is my favorite Shakespearean play:tearsofjoy: That's such a great quote.

    Anyway, some autistic people, like myself, have relationships/individuals as their special interest. So I definitely think love is possible. However, for some of us, attachment is difficult. I feel like this is a good thing most of the time. As much as I want a relationship, I have no desire to jump into one with just any person. For most people I encounter in my life, I feel...nothing. Nothing at all. And this is a huge red flag if they're potential romantic partners because I consider myself deeply emotional. I want someone who makes me feel something. And I've encountered those people so I know it's possible. So I don't just jump into relationships because I'm lonely or desperate. I realize I may have fewer relationships in my lifetime but hopefully they'll be of better quality.

    Perhaps this is the lawyer in me but there is a famous passage (at least among those in the legal profession) from a Supreme Court case about obscenity. The Judge says that he can't give a succinct definition of obscenity "But [he] knows it when [he] see it." That's how I feel about love and relationships. I may not be able to describe exactly who it is I'm looking for, but I believe I'll recognize them when I see them.

    So maybe your girlfriend wasn't the right one for you. I agree with those who say it's sad. My heart hurts for her. It's worth considering whether she is the right person but you're expectations are unreasonable. But at the end of the day, you know your heart better than anyone else and you must follow it.
     
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  11. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Depends on your empathy levels, if you don't have a lot, you're probably not gonna experience 'love', but there's nothing wrong with someone suitable to get old with either, the 'love' phase is temporary.
     
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  12. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Looking back at 64 years of life, I've thought about this same subject.
    The type of love you are asking about makes for differences also.

    If it's romantic love, and it seems to be, that you ask experiences with, I can definitely say
    I know it has never been a deep bond or love with anyone.
    They were more like friends with benefits and it was all fun.
    I didn't like the breaking up part though. If the relationship was compatible and enjoyable,
    I wanted it to go on and I knew I would miss it. Never know when you might or might not find
    that situation again.
    But, I knew the bond and love was not deep enough for me to want to live with them or get married.
    I've never known that type of desire with anyone.
    Only once did I feel that giddy, melt in their arms sesation that in love can bring in the beginning.
    And it does eventually fade.

    I'll always remember when my Mom was getting older, how she once asked me if I loved her.
    My answer was P-poor. She was the person I loved most in the world and my reply was:
    "As much as I can anyone."
    A terrible answer to the one who did make my life feel complete.
    She persued it with saying I never said it or offered hugs.
    I told her I expressed it in different ways to that. Like I would see something I thought
    she would like while shopping and buy it as a surprise for her.
    Or things like always trying to make special holidays really special for her, and always
    there for her if she needed anything.

    I can look back at the romantically inclined relationships and I don't miss them.
    I will always miss her. But, why? I think it was because I was used to being with her
    from birth and I felt at "home" with her. We got along well. Familiarity. A part of my daily life.
    Those are feelings no one else ever gave me.
    So, I do think it has something to do with the amount of empathy level.
     
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  13. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Think you are honest that you just don't feel her. Maybe this job is a help in the fact it gives you an out so to speak.

    Sometimes as woman if guys don't get serious, we look for the door to exit. I moved out of state to escape a guy who wanted to be with me but didn't want to commit but couldn't give up the other l guess. So l left because he would have had me harrassed to stay with him.


    Do her a favor, tell her you are leaving the state but you aren't ready for serious commitment. This is a tab nicer then saying, hey l am moving, okie dokie, we are done. Nice knowing you.

    Say when you started seeing her, at some point you aren't ready do go any further in the relationship. And you are sorry.

    Try asking if she wants to stay friends. Some people break up and stay friends. Some people to a complete break. Ask her what she wants unless you need a complete break. Thanks for being so honest.
     
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  14. Ken

    Ken Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    "Do people like us feel love in the way that normal people do?"
    I would say absolutely yes. My definition of love is anytime one feels a total desire for the welfare, happiness, health, etc. for another person, regardless of gender, race, nationality, relationship, or even species, over their own self. I believe autistics are equally likely as non-autistics to feel love. I do not believe love is dependent on mental condition or capacity. Even tiny brained animals display actions of love. The concept of love as per my belief is even seen in plant life.
    I believe the trend belief that autistic people lack empathy, compassion, etc. is due to most autistics neurological disconnect between internal emotion and external expression, tone and body language. I think this even eludes most mental health professionals.
     
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  15. Martha Ferris

    Martha Ferris Seeking answers

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    What is love? Definition please. Can you feel love according to the definition? Have you ever felt it before?
    Why do we love someone? Do we love them because of what they give us or do we love them for who they are as a person? Could we still love this person if we got absolutely nothing from them? Don't we often "love" others for what they do for us?
    What do you want from a relationship? Were you getting it?
    What does your partner want from a relationship? Was she getting it?
    What were you getting out of this relationship? What needs and wants did it meet? Can you get those needs and wants met by another individual or is this person the only one that can give you something special?
    Oftentimes relationships come down to meeting mutual needs and wants. They are negotiated contracts often based on expected and unspoken agreements. We just pretty them up with "love". Often our love is nothing more than gratitude.
    Then decide how you express love. What form does it take? Do you want what is best for the one you love regardless of the impact it has on you? Can your love be selfless?
     
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  16. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    I think that falling for my spouse somehow changed me fundamentally when she accepted me sexually. By that point I believed we developed an intense and caring friendship because of circumstances. It was not a matter of falling for the first person I had sex with, but the fact that her affection changed my perspective and validated the changes I was making to my self image. I cannot think of anything more central than that.

    Of course I think that it allowed who I was to come to the forefront, but more importantly, it allowed a secure outlook towards life to develop. [edit] Interesting how security develops when basic human needs are met. I never forget that lesson.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2021
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  17. QuestJan

    QuestJan Active Member

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    Most people would call me a 'dog person' since I always have several and love to do lots dog-focused activities with them. But I consider myself feline for multiple reasons.

    The cats I've had were so very loyal, far more so than the average dog.
     
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  18. Ronald Zeeman

    Ronald Zeeman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm pretty sure My love for my wife is like any body else, good luck proving otherwise.
     
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  19. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    LOL! one of the worst opinions ever written, IMHO.
     
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  20. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Okay. So l have been in some relationships . Some with zero bedroom. Just two people who got together and enjoyed company. I feel lost to say what love is. Maybe l don't quite walk the same path most woman walk. Love is a verb. What did you love today? Your life or being with someone special?
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2021
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