Disappointed by family/friends

[CarolineM]

I find myself frequently disappointed by family and friends. When I approach a situation (planning a party, having a conversation, etc) I tend to think through how it will go. I find that time and time again it falls so short of my expectations and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why (why weren't they that excited by my gift, why didn't they think about the symbolism of my remark and get the deeper meaning, etc). It just recently dawned on me that I'm disappointed because I think of how I would react in the situations when I try to forecast into the future planning something. If all the players involved thought/felt/acted like I do, it would turn out that way. But since they don't, it doesn't, and I'm disappointed. I have a hard time predicting what they actually might do (vs. what they "should do--what I would do) and don't know how to turn the forethought off entirely. My husband jokes that my mind is a runaway train without brakes that makes leaps over invisible bridges. Turning a thought off is nearly impossible for me. I'd love anyone's thoughts or suggestion...

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

I think I know where you're coming from. I have "social rules" that I've developed through the course of my life. I follow these rules to a T (to a tee? Please, someone help me with that phrase!! lol) - I follow these rules strictly, which is why, in real life, I'm extremely polite and agreeable. It's also why, internally, I get very upset when other people don't abide by them. For example, I don't like being shouted at. It makes me feel sick, and doesn't make your point any more convincing - it just makes you frightening and unpredictable. Therefore, I never EVER shout at anyone, even in arguments. But when people shout at me, I get very upset internally, because why would they do that? If they want something resolved, they should discuss it like an adult. I'm told that I don't take the emotional upset into account, and that they can't help it, but it still doesn't sit right, because shouting gets your heart rate up and pumps adrenaline into you and makes you even angrier than you were, so it's completely counter-productive.

Anyway, I also get confused when people don't show the same behaviours as I do. Certain things - particularly if it's a current obsession - make me so excited I feel like I could burst. Other people don't care nearly as much as I do, and I find it a shame, but I don't expect them to come around, any more than I'd suddenly become interested in the things they love (which, to me, are often inexcusably dull).

(Did I answer anything at all, or go off-topic again?)

 

[Peace]

Disappointment comes from expectation. Instead of predicting what an outcome may be, perhaps you could try to envision multiple outcomes and then look forward to the event in anticipation of seeing which one comes true.
I learned long ago to just be accepting and it has helped me greatly.

 

[Sagigirl14]

I find myself frequently disappointed by family and friends. When I approach a situation (planning a party, having a conversation, etc) I tend to think through how it will go. I find that time and time again it falls so short of my expectations and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why (why weren't they that excited by my gift, why didn't they think about the symbolism of my remark and get the deeper meaning, etc). It just recently dawned on me that I'm disappointed because I think of how I would react in the situations when I try to forecast into the future planning something. If all the players involved thought/felt/acted like I do, it would turn out that way. But since they don't, it doesn't, and I'm disappointed. I have a hard time predicting what they actually might do (vs. what they "should do--what I would do) and don't know how to turn the forethought off entirely. My husband jokes that my mind is a runaway train without brakes that makes leaps over invisible bridges. Turning a thought off is nearly impossible for me. I'd love anyone's thoughts or suggestion...

I have the same exact problems that you do. I wish I could help, but I'm just as lost as you are.

 

[2aspirin]

As 'Peace' relates, disappointment comes from expectations. There is a saying that "expectations are just resentments under construction."

But why do we have expectations? I do think they are about trying to manage an underlying fear and anxiety. But of course humans are not figments of our imaginations and fear-management system - and they have a whole different operating system, so to speak. I think the disappointment sometimes masks a frustration that we want to be able to be more in sync with people and their intentions. But we don't have to turn that onto them. The disappointment is probably about that disconnect. At least it is in me.

Well, hope I did not overly psychoanalyze this one. :-/

 

[paloftoon]

I think I know where you're coming from. I have "social rules" that I've developed through the course of my life. I follow these rules to a T (to a tee? Please, someone help me with that phrase!! lol) - I follow these rules strictly, which is why, in real life, I'm extremely polite and agreeable. It's also why, internally, I get very upset when other people don't abide by them. For example, I don't like being shouted at. It makes me feel sick, and doesn't make your point any more convincing - it just makes you frightening and unpredictable. Therefore, I never EVER shout at anyone, even in arguments. But when people shout at me, I get very upset internally, because why would they do that? If they want something resolved, they should discuss it like an adult. I'm told that I don't take the emotional upset into account, and that they can't help it, but it still doesn't sit right, because shouting gets your heart rate up and pumps adrenaline into you and makes you even angrier than you were, so it's completely counter-productive.

Anyway, I also get confused when people don't show the same behaviours as I do. Certain things - particularly if it's a current obsession - make me so excited I feel like I could burst. Other people don't care nearly as much as I do, and I find it a shame, but I don't expect them to come around, any more than I'd suddenly become interested in the things they love (which, to me, are often inexcusably dull).

(Did I answer anything at all, or go off-topic again?)

Remember, you can only make rules for yourself. With everyone else, you have to deal with the situation as it comes. Most humans are unpredictable in general. It's probably not you most of the time. Keep that in mind.

 

[paloftoon]

I find myself frequently disappointed by family and friends. When I approach a situation (planning a party, having a conversation, etc) I tend to think through how it will go. I find that time and time again it falls so short of my expectations and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why (why weren't they that excited by my gift, why didn't they think about the symbolism of my remark and get the deeper meaning, etc). It just recently dawned on me that I'm disappointed because I think of how I would react in the situations when I try to forecast into the future planning something. If all the players involved thought/felt/acted like I do, it would turn out that way. But since they don't, it doesn't, and I'm disappointed. I have a hard time predicting what they actually might do (vs. what they "should do--what I would do) and don't know how to turn the forethought off entirely. My husband jokes that my mind is a runaway train without brakes that makes leaps over invisible bridges. Turning a thought off is nearly impossible for me. I'd love anyone's thoughts or suggestion...

You can't predict what others will do. Those people themselves sometimes just act on impulse and don't know what they will do. A lot of people don't like to think or behave appropriately, and this can cause lots of problems. Try to prepare yourself to deal with conflict. You can only expect from yourself and not others.