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Difficulty with even basic social skills.

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Nachteule, Oct 22, 2020.

  1. Nachteule

    Nachteule The Wise

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    I'm not entirely convinced that the title to this matches what all I have on the subject, but I tried.

    I've always had problems with being social, even something as simple as telling someone my name takes a great deal of courage to muster before the words even leave my mouth.

    I grew up very sheltered and without going into much unneeded detail, I was kept from having friends most of my upbringing, especially after my professional diagnosis.

    I've never really had someone I could consider a best friend in life, I don't like to give out titles like that unless I trust the person completely and am comfortable enough with them. I've had normal friendships, but I find it hard to maintain them because truth be told, I don't really know how to properly handle one. I can genuinely care about someone, but everything else normally included, it can be hard to juggle.

    When it comes to trying to start a conversation with someone, provided I get through the introduction phase intact, it's hard for me to move the conversation along without having to feed off of what they've already said first.

    It's extremely difficult for me to be able to detect tone as well, unless someone is downright angry, which can sometimes cause me to shut down on my end of the conversation because I misperceive an emotion and apologize profusely while asking them if that is how they truly feel.

    I find myself apologizing constantly to people as well because I don't like to bother them normally for any reason if I can avoid it, but "I'm sorry" tends to follow a lot of my openers in life because of that.

    I also have the problem of not being able to shut it off, so to speak, when I'm talking with someone who I share a common interest with, it's like I have to info dump everything because I don't want to forget something important and regret it later, and I just like seeing how happy it makes someone when they know someone else is just as passionate about a topic or interest as they are.

    I like to think that the issues I have, that others go through as well, despite what my thoughts can sometimes tell me otherwise.
     
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  2. Autistic Yoda

    Autistic Yoda Do. Or do not. There is no 'try'. V.I.P Member

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    Perhaps you're comfortable speaking with close family members, but with others the words get stuck in your throat because you're too focused on how they perceive you? SSRI's can crush that problem.

    As for the rest, 48 Laws of Power completely altered my entire personality for the better. This was a list of all the weaknesses I didn't even realize I had. Most useful book ever to me, by far. Just bring your own ethics, because Greene provides none.
     
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  3. VictorR

    VictorR Random Member

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    You are not alone. (gives virtual hug even though I'm not a fan of hugs myself)
     
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  4. Soleil

    Soleil Well-Known Member

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    I pick up on tone and body language well enough. And instead of talking on and on, I have very little stamina for talking and usually don't say much at all (I think I'm better at typing though).
    And I have no idea how to hold conversations with people... my mind is just a blank, so I usually just to polite nods and smiles, the bare minimum.

    Socializing is haaard...
     
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    l don't feel shy anymore- too old to care. l don't freeze up because you can always ask for clarification if you don't catch their meaning. If they get inpatient- then they are jerks when you ask something. l think people forget that NT's stumble also. NT's can be shy. Sometimes coming out of our shell helps people escape their shell.
     
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  6. SliverOfSand

    SliverOfSand Active Member

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    Story of my life. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. I have always felt that everything I say and do is being judged by the other person (which may or may not be the case, I have no way of knowing). My mind is always racing with thoughts about what I’m doing... Am I talking enough? Am I talking too much? Did I say the right thing? Oh no, I’ve been staring at their shirt for too long! It’s just a never-ending dialogue of analyzing everything I say and do.

    Some days I just don’t have the energy to function socially, I can get out a ‘hello, how are you?’ And that’s about it. If anyone says anything to me, I will either respond with a small, awkward laugh, a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, or I just stay silent (depending on what they say).

    The few times that I am around people who I can talk to about my interests, I feel like I am being selfish because of how much I dominate the conversation. And even though I realize this, I can’t stop myself from talking. I’m not as apologetic as you are which might be a bad thing, since I then come across as a rude, cold person.

    Lately, I’ve been less concerned about trying to mask and blending in with how everyone else expects, and more focused on things that I know I’m good at. If I had a rough day ‘socially speaking’, then the next day I’ll work on a typewriter, or draw, or play a game I enjoy. It helps me focus my mind on something other than the negative experiences I may have had. This probably won’t work for everyone, but I find it makes things easier to deal with. :) Another thing that helps is having a place like these forums to be able to share your concerns with others that have similar experiences, and who may be able to give some good advice. I know that it has helped me personally.
     
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  7. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The title is fine, so no worries there.

    I am unable to talk to several people at the same time and to walk into a room with it milling with people, makes me feel that I will short circuit lol I so badly want to flee and have some times done so, and other times, push myself forward.

    Yes, I have also spent my life apologising too, but I learned to put a bit of humor into it. If I am not sure of an emotion from another, I joke, and generally, get a good response.

    Saying my name is also very difficult and I usually do it fast and often forget to ask their name, but when I do, it feels so strange to my ears; so lame.

    I can just about ask the basic questions, but my mind goes blank after that. But, if I feel comfortable with the person, sometimes I can further the convesation.
     
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  8. Rae Ray

    Rae Ray Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I totally understand Nachteule, I had it super bad when i was much younger. I find it extremely difficult to start and continue in a conversation(s) but as time has gone by,,, it has gotten somewhat easier. Having time to collect my thoughts and then write them down helps greatly. I think that is why i like it here so much. The people here are fantastic too and that also helps. :)
     
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  9. Matthias

    Matthias Well-Known Member

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    It gets easier with practice especially if you're being yourself, thinking positively, and not hindering yourself with negative thoughts about yourself or worries about what people might think about you. You don't need to worry about bothering anyone. It's not a big deal to most people which means even if you bother them they'll quickly get over it.
     
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