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Desperately need help and advice on this man

Thank you so much Don Rojo, I will reply properly later because I have to go out now. Can I please ask you if your opinion is even after reading the email from him, do you still think it's possible? I do know that he hates emotion and prides himself on not having any. I'll reply later, thank you again
 
I would say...I see some similar behaviors to an aspie. I have experienced some of these things, but not to the degree you have, and at the degree you have experienced them, my only advice would be not to try to understand or sympathize but simply protect yourself. It doesn't really matter whether he's a psychopath or a narcissist or an aspie or more than one of the above. It's clear he can't cope with his own emotions, and you cannot save him. Only he can come to terms with those, himself. The best thing you can do, for both of you, is cut off contact with him completely.
 
I would say...I see some similar behaviors to an aspie. I have experienced some of these things, but not to the degree you have, and at the degree you have experienced them, my only advice would be not to try to understand or sympathize but simply protect yourself. It doesn't really matter whether he's a psychopath or a narcissist or an aspie or more than one of the above. It's clear he can't cope with his own emotions, and you cannot save him. Only he can come to terms with those, himself. The best thing you can do, for both of you, is cut off contact with him completely.

I agree with Royinpink! And to put the two opinions together I would say. Unless you know what you are doing, take royinpink his advice!

Lets try to explain this on a rather painful way. If he not psychopath, but he can't help himself. If you get your heart broken for life with horrible consequences, he is now going to feel even worse. You could even say, by protecting yourself, you are protecting both of you. (if he has a good heart). And maybe someday he will meet somebody that can explain to him what really happened, but that doesn't even have to be you. Heck, you can even send him here :p. (half a joke, not thought to the consequences of the non joke part....but you get the drift :p).
 
Thank you for your advice Spinning Compass.

He started at the job one month before me and told me there was another position open, and to apply.

We worked together at a different company for two months prior to my brain surgery ( he was my new manager), I was off work for four months after the surgery, then when I went back, he pursued me quite hard, telling me how much he liked me, he cared about me etc etc. at first I resisted but after two weeks of this daily, I gave in, gave him my complete trust and fell in love.

In this job that he effectively got me, we are equals. (my own resume got me the position, but he was even my reference)

The people at work think that he is strange, including our bosses (who are a married couple in their 50's), but I have always defended him, thinking he had Asburger syndrome. I thought him getting me the job was the only way he knew how to keep me in his life. I never dreamed it was to destroy my self esteem and pick apart everything about me.

As I look back, he has always demeaned me. He stepped it up hugely once the intimacy started.

I am hoping to have a meeting with my bosses in the next couple of days (I have requested this) because I have been abused and will not let him use me as a scape goat now.

All right. This is starting to get into the area of sexual harassment. I think you might have a case here depending on your company's culture and how you present your story. If I understand you correctly, he was the one who pursued you despite your resistance and eventually you "gave in." Coercion/pressure/manipulation. In return, he got you another job where you would be working with him. Favors/control/dependency in exchange for sex. You don't say at what point you became intimate with him, only that his behavior became even more demeaning afterwards.

So basically what you have is a "favors for sex" situation though you did not realize it as such. It is my understanding that these things do not necessarily have to be spelled out. You have a situation where a person who has more power pursued an initially unwilling person who was less powerful, and did favors for them with sex being part of that equation. This is not about feelings, or whether he likes himself or any other ********. This is about illegal behavior. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if it were my company, and you went to HR, there would be an investigation and the matter would be taken care of, because--in my company's view, at least--you have the potential to hit him, and by extension, them with a whopping lawsuit. And this they want to avoid at all costs. I would suggest getting in touch with feminist groups in your area, such as your local chapter of National Organization for Women (NOW) or even the YWCA, to find out what your options are.
 
All right. This is starting to get into the area of sexual harassment. I think you might have a case here depending on your company's culture and how you present your story. If I understand you correctly, he was the one who pursued you despite your resistance and eventually you "gave in." Coercion/pressure/manipulation. In return, he got you another job where you would be working with him. Favors/control/dependency in exchange for sex. You don't say at what point you became intimate with him, only that his behavior became even more demeaning afterwards.

Hi Spinning compass and thank you for your reply. No it wasn't really like that at all, as far as the sex went. He pursued me at the other job by telling me how much he cared etc etc and then started calling me, we spoke every day and night, the phone calls were long and after more than a year of 4-8 hour conversations, I actually wanted the relationship to go to the next level. I live alone, so does he, so I was getting bored of the whole phone thing. I met him in Feb 2013 and the intimacy didn't begin until August 2014. That's when I saw how disordered he was (being like a virgin at age 39) so clammed up and nervous, he did then really step up the vicious behaviour which continues today and had come to this. He told me I was too gentle and to leave his k**b alone in one particular text, and told me to go and practice poorly on someone else. I accidentally gave him a hickey on his shoulder once, so the next time he came back the first thing he did was suck my neck at the front near my jaw, I saw him stand back and look at it. I spent the next week having to cover up in 30 + degree heat. He told me it was payback. I have spent today with my best friend sifting through his thousands of hostile messages to prepare for my meeting. I can't believe this is what it has come too. I'm lightheaded and so tired from this ordeal. I don't know why he hates me so much.
 
You can never be sure. But my guts tells me he doesn't like his own emotions. And hence he is not attacking you, but himself. If that was the case...it far worse than it seems. Because he might be madly in love :p. But I also recognize the lack of recognition of himself. Which also support that. In a Neurotypical Male I would say all those berating things where exactly that, berating. How ever in his case you can't be sure.

Thank you Don Rojo. Can you please explain what you mean by attacking himself? He has told me in the past (before the intimacy) that he has never been in love before. When we we're intimate it looked and felt very much like love, he even exclaimed one night that It was "hard to leave" (my house). I have had a couple of long term relationships and also a couple of casual, and I definitely know the difference in the way someone looks at you when their in love as opposed to no feelings. I swear he was in love but wouldn't let it happen. I suppose if he's never felt it before he had no reference and has interpreted it as hate and bad for him? I don't know
 
I know for me I can be on and off. I can switch from I love my wife dearly to where she is a horrible person and say hurtful things. A lot of the time I seem to not be able to empathize with her and understand how the things I would say would hurt her. Depending on how much you care for him would make the decision on if you should keep things going. It also is very hard to have a relationship with someone you work with and have been with.
 
I know for me I can be on and off. I can switch from I love my wife dearly to where she is a horrible person and say hurtful things. A lot of the time I seem to not be able to empathize with her and understand how the things I would say would hurt her. Depending on how much you care for him would make the decision on if you should keep things going. It also is very hard to have a relationship with someone you work with and have been with.

Thank you for your help and honesty Greg. Have you actually ever been as "bad" or gone as far as this guy though? And could the email from him be another meltdown? That he regrets?. Though saing that, I have hundreds of emails from the past year and half where he is not very nice in a lot of them.
 
To be honest I have said some pretty offensive things to my wife that have really hurt her feelings so to some degree I have not been a nice person. That doesn't make things right because I have a disorder so that is not excuse for my actions. In the email I don't see how he could ever really file harassment against you because he was talking as much to you as you were to him. So I see he has no merit. I am guessing where he is being that way is very cold and a meltdown where he is lashing out at you. I think in the end he will feel bad for that and the other times. The work thing makes it very challenging because you have to interact with each other. I can't see how he would be interested in you so much and so bad now. That doesn't make sense.
 
Hi all

I'm new to this site today, but have been reading threads on here for a while, trying to gain some insight into the Aspie man I'm in love with.

We met in Feb of 2013. He was my new manager. Because he hadn't been given a sufficient handover, I helped in his new role to make things easier on him.

The first time he met me he was fumbling his words and couldn't really say more than 3 words whilst looking at me, things progresses and we developed a friendship.
By April we talked on the phone for an hour a day while I was working (general chit chat about work) and I had emergency surgery which was major.

He came to see me in hospital once. (Something he now says he would have done for everyone)

I returned to work after 4 months of recovery, and the company were not good to work for then. He pursued me, paid me so much attention and made me feel like we were perfectly the same in every way. He even mentioned that we must have been twins in a past life.

About a month later, due to the troubles with the workplace He told me he had resigned, so I decided to leave too. He had a new job to start and called me to tell me to apply as this small company needed someone else. I did, with my resume and his reference I got the position.

We have worked there for just over a year together now. I knew he was a shy and awkward person socially so I thought because he liked me but hadn't made physical advances, this was the only way he could think to keep me in his life.

Fast track a year now. We've spent literally thousands of hours on the phone, we would have 8 hour phone conversations, I wanted all along for it to progress to him coming round, which he would do maybe once every 3 months, it was awkward at times because he wouldn't make much eye contact, but I found his presence calming and liked been around him.

We talked about intimacy a lot and he would tell me about the number of women who are after him. He once mentioned that he wouldn't have sex before marriage but he contradicts himself so much that when he said he had slept with 5 or 6 women I thought the usual (don't know what's true, to myself). He has known for a year that I'm in live with him. He told me that he had never been in love before or really got to know a girl, told me he can't sleep in the same bed as anyone and would make ex gfs leave after sex.

We talked about kissing 4 months ago and he came to my house with the goal of me kissing him (he said he wouldn't initiate) I was shy by then so he told me to kiss him at the end of the night. I did and it was beautiful.

These visits have continued and progressed to sex, he will come, be beautiful and spend the next week berating me in the telephone, lashing out and telling me I'm not special to him.

The gentleness I have displayed along with copious patience and love over the last 18 months are being met with phsycological abuse to a big degree.

It's as though he can't let anything be nice, he always has to put a negative spin on anything positive and it hurts me so much. Everyone we work with thinks he is strange and asks me so many questions about him ( they don't know what's going on behind the scenes) and all I do is get defensive as I am protective of him.

I stopped my directors from having a talk to him 2 weeks ago about his 'arrogant behaviour' in team meetings, as I told them he may just disappear if they do, and his disabled clients love him. He doesn't know I did that or there was a problem.

He told me in derogatory terms that all I am to him is a pair of t**ts, when I objected and told him how much it hurt me, he backed it up by saying that when my clothes are off, I'm a piece of meat and when they're on I'm me.

The first time we were sexually intimate I swear he was a virgin.. He was a nervous wreck. He says he doesn't need sex at all. We have done it 6 or 7 times now and he got better (relaxed wise) each time.

He would say the most beautiful things to me while intimate, go home and spend the next week being so Nasty and mysoginistic to me. He ended our 'arrangement' (as he calls it) weekly, before I would ask him to come back. I hung up the phone on our last conversation a week and a half ago and he will now not talk to me.

He has said our arrangement is over again. Were at a bit of a stale mate now but I love him, I miss him but I hate the way he makes me feel about myself.

Is this behaviour typical of Aspie men? I have mentioned asburgers to him a few times but he calls me a dumb b**ch, the C word and says I'm the most selfish b**ch he has ever met.

Please tell me what I can do ?



Since you where the one that handed me the key, that probably practically saved my life :p. I will return the favor by keeping the promise I made to myself. I am not automatically right or wrong. But a promise is a promise.

I think I can share a bit of an ashaming secret with the people here. I am not advising anyone to do the same. But it doesn't hurt to read somebodies else his story. Only a couple of years before the break through, I eventually ended up on the most sleazy kind of website, where the girls pursue as aggressive as the man :p. With no higher motives :p. I got bombarded with messages. So the only real question was, if only 1% of those messages was real.......gosh that would be great. However I still don't know for sure. But in the end it was like the ultimate training ground. (an expensive one :p). But the constant positive reinforcement gave me the confidence to look again to the things that had happened in my life. Using the teaching of my favorite dating guru I noticed.....yes.....there is another explanation.

This in the end let to two very recent ultimate conformations. One I found on this website. Somebody complaining about feeling rejected by a man that might have been Aspie, and me realizing...oh that is me. I have done that so often. Always with the best intentions. But I finally found the words of a girl, and how that ACTUALLY effected her. (thank you). Somehow I feel I should link her to this post, so she realized how much her desperation meant to me. Currently the topic I believe goes on that he should be charged for sexually assaulting her and stuff like that. I cannot speak for the guy in question. But I think I am glad I am not in jail :p.

And a very important real life encounter yesterday evening. Where I spoke without fear or worry about being rejected or being in appropriate. But that last one was because I made very clear, that breaking up a perfectly happy marriage....is not an act of love :p. It was like the first time we met. She is the love of my life. Because of meeting her, I became from a slightly troubled ASD, into a complete basket case mental patient to the world. She has, I think, not told the back of her tongue entirely. But she lets me speak and never stopped me. And her silence and positive (non direct romantic comments) where more than enough.

It is said that we ASD have trouble reading human emotions. I found this to be untrue. What I did found is that NT's have a part of there brain, that allows you to learn the translation of body language on young age. (I am revering to the Mirror Neuron Mirror neuron - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I am capable of reading body language like a an NT. Experience of age tells me, even better. But to me, it was always a bunch of alien garbage. But with the bravery of Indiana Jones (when somebody fixes me up, maybe even his roughs good looks :p (probably not, but you get the drift)). The dedication and talent of Yuri Kknorzov, and the open mindedness of, not sure if I go for Emperor Hirohito, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kelly. Sorry tuffy, to USA based :p. And I am afraid I have to admit that I had an NT partner in crime when it comes to that :p. Who is a current or historical figure that is open-minded? ....but I managed to translate it. Though I would say...I am basically at the 1952 Drevnyaya pis’mennost’ Tsentral’noy Ameriki phase. And the most amazing thing, once I got the NT "Esperanto" covered, all the other dialects where a piece of cake :p.

I can say this though. For my personal life. My kid, may he please be as autistic as me :p, I will stop any tense situation with a pop quiz question, what is daddy thinking or feeling right now? And when he/she is wrong, I will kindly give him the honest and best answer to my ability, and when he is right...maybe it is time to bring out the ice cream ±P (skinner). You see NT's never realized it was a skill worth practicing. For an autistic, it might be the most important skill in his whole life. My guess is that once practiced, he will turn from a social outcast into the most charismatic and human flair person in the world :p.

To describe it in a ICT language, I am sure some of you can relate. Yes adding a config file is really great to a program or a game. But you can guess the start up problems, when the config file is empty by default :p.

For those believing in the evolution theory. There seems to be a pattern that skills and bird songs, go from born in there DNA, to be learned and copied from there enviroment. Home Sapiens ( I always chuckle when I read the translation) even managed to split to atom because of a delay in initial knowledge. So if ASD people are even slower? What could that mean? Well heck, i can tell you who I am going to send as part of the ...hello aliens...diplomatic negations envoy :p

I am now 36, and even though I made some remarkable bold scientific suggestions during my early years...I would consider myself barely 24. When it comes to changing from young adult to adult.

About the topic called "sensative"....do not read if you not ready to handle sensitive. For the intend of the poster was most caring and humane. But if you get to my post...even the words "sensative" will not be enough :p. But if no suitable recent discovery can be made....I think my hypothetical theory will suit quit nicely if turned into experiments
This is a personal quote out of some other thread.
 
Hello, and i am sorry you have been through this. I am not a mental health professional but this man seems to be a sociopath and not an aspie. The mindgames, the love bombing, the hot and cold behavior. I am a diagnosed aspie myself and i know many aspie people online and in real life and i have to say this behavior is alien and exhausting for us. Personally i consider it torture. There are sociopaths out there who exploit the fact that many people do not know enough about asperger syndrome and they use a pseudo-diagnosis in order to excuse inexcusable behavior. I have been abused by sociopaths and i recognise the patters. Please go no contact with this person and join a forum for support for victims of psychopaths. Psychopathfree is an excellent community, please check it.
 
Hello, and i am sorry you have been through this. I am not a mental health professional but this man seems to be a sociopath and not an aspie. The mindgames, the love bombing, the hot and cold behavior. I am a diagnosed aspie myself and i know many aspie people online and in real life and i have to say this behavior is alien and exhausting for us. Personally i consider it torture. There are sociopaths out there who exploit the fact that many people do not know enough about asperger syndrome and they use a pseudo-diagnosis in order to excuse inexcusable behavior. I have been abused by sociopaths and i recognise the patters. Please go no contact with this person and join a forum for support for victims of psychopaths. Psychopathfree is an excellent community, please check it.

I like to add very strongly, since I agree, that I would like to point out a very big point to my seemingly different explanation. I did NEVER play mind games. Any confusion in my case of whether that was happening, was based on a confusion in communication. But never an act of strength! Mind games absolutely ring a high alert with me. That would never be me.

In fact if I knew the person in real, I would be able to almost tell you in seconds. Is it an act of weakness or an act of strength. Because if it is strength....beware. My simple first heuristic to see if it is strength or weakness, is by looking at the results. If the result of that mind game is undesirable for somebody (it might have been an error, mind you the result, not the realization it might be a mind game). But if the mind game result (in short term) was desirable to him......every alarm in my mind would go off. This simple reverse of being attracted to the weak, and avoidand of the strong has quite reliable given me a good first impression. So do not have hope, when you realize this mind games actually worked out for him in the short term.

Just to make clear where I stand.

Because if that would be the case, he has not my support, but he might actually gained the worst enemy ;). Just in case you need backup :p. Follow the quoted post her advice.
 
Arg...I am nervous about posting where I'm coming from (which is basically experience with undiagnosed, verbally abusive aspies) because I don't want it to be taken the wrong way, and I know (from my own experience) that to a mind in love, it's possible to pick up on every little sign of 'hope' in just a plain, 'as I see it' description of things. So I have to reiterate, having Asperger's is never an excuse to abuse people. Never. And what you are experiencing IS abuse. If you're not sure, check a list of characteristics like this one.

To be honest, this thread spooked me a bit with some similarities to someone in my past and everybody saying it's narcissism (pretty sure undiagnosed aspie). But I also have a likely narcissist in my family, and I think, after watching the video that Vanilla shared, these are the points where I notice they differ (I stress this is just my own perspective from limited experience):
  • An aspie is not everything to everyone.
    • Aspies are pretty consistent in their behavior, although they may have a 'social mask'...that's about it. They tend not to take great care in keeping up appearances, physical or social.
    • Narcissists have to make everybody love them.
  • Aspies don't tend toward idealized, romanticized versions of themselves.
    • They might insist they're right, but their departure from reality doesn't get much further than that. I think undiagnosed men (sorry guys, I know some of y'all are great) in particular are a bit more prone to blaming everything/everyone else in their lives before thinking it might be them (you can see that a little bit in Rudy Simone's list or in her book 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome). But this is different from having a heroic fantasy self--more like a belief that they are always the victim. (Which, note, is also something some abusers do and not an aspie thing or an NT thing in itself)
    • A narcissist thinks everything they are doing is great and you are lucky to be around them, because damn.
  • If aspies manipulate, it is mostly unintentional.
    • Undiagnosed aspies might 'gaslight' unintentionally, but that's the key--they don't realize they're doing it because they don't see how distorted their perception is, and they are unlikely to lie outright (possible, but unlikely). This may lead to some controversial syndromes/disorders in the NT. Fwiw, otherwise non-abusive NT men gaslight unintentionally all the time. 'Gaslighting' might be a strong word since it is officially used for intentional manipulation, but the effects on your sense of reality and self-confidence can be exactly the same.
    • Control can be a coping mechanism for high levels of anxiety. In AS, usually this is directed at things, actions, or thoughts and manifests as preference for order, routine, and obsession. Unfortunately, sometimes it is also directed at people. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior.
    • Narcissists...well, it's not unintentional because as previously mentioned, they are God's gift to humanity, so why wouldn't they bend everything to their will? If they have to force and threaten and lie and push boundaries and exploit insecurities, then so what?
  • Most aspie men avoid commitment and are not the 'too deep too soon' type, with a few exceptions.
    • These exceptions probably have some other issues (insecure attachment at the very least).
    • While labels and commitment may be confining, it is not uncommon for aspie guys to go 'hot then cold'--start out pursuing a woman, then totally lose interest.
    • Narcissists are the "Let's get married! Here, let me move my stuff in" ones.
  • Aspies need lots of personal space and tend to treat everyone as equals.
    • If they are rude to waitstaff, etc., it is unintentional and just as likely to happen to anyone.
    • Narcissists, on the other hand, seem to go out of their way to berate and belittle shop assistants, guards, drivers, housekeeping, waitstaff, etc.
I hope this is taken in the spirit it is offered. If you still think he has AS, I do agree with others that he has other issues besides that, whatever they may be. Diagnosis and healing only happen when the individual takes responsibility for their own problems, which he seems highly unlikely to do. You cannot do this for him, and you cannot save him. He is being abusive. You need to protect yourself. If it helps any, protecting yourself and cutting him off for good is more likely to make him realize his error than sticking around where he can keep using you as a scapegoat. Plus, if it really is AS, he probably finds attention from you smothering at this point. So really, it is better for you both. If he really is a psychopath, the advice is the same.

It doesn't matter what his problem is. What matters is that his behavior is completely unacceptable, and it's hurting you.
 
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Arg...I am nervous about posting where I'm coming from (which is basically experience with undiagnosed, verbally abusive aspies) because I don't want it to be taken the wrong way, and I know (from my own experience) that to a mind in love, it's possible to pick up on every little sign of 'hope' in just a plain, 'as I see it' description of things. So I have to reiterate, having Asperger's is never an excuse to abuse people. Never. And what you are experiencing IS abuse. If you're not sure, check a list of characteristics like this one.

To be honest, this thread spooked me a bit with some similarities to someone in my past and everybody saying it's narcissism (pretty sure undiagnosed aspie). But I also have a likely narcissist in my family, and I think, after watching the video that Vanilla shared, these are the points where I notice they differ (I stress this is just my own perspective from limited experience):
  • An aspie is not everything to everyone.
    • Aspies are pretty consistent in their behavior, although they may have a 'social mask'...that's about it. They tend not to take great care in keeping up appearances, physical or social.
    • Narcissists have to make everybody love them.
  • Aspies don't tend toward idealized, romanticized versions of themselves.
    • They might insist they're right, but their departure from reality doesn't get much further than that. I think undiagnosed men (sorry guys, I know some of y'all are great) in particular are a bit more prone to blaming everything/everyone else in their lives before thinking it might be them (you can see that a little bit in Rudy Simone's list or in her book 22 Things a Woman Must Know if She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome). But this is different from having a heroic fantasy self--more like a belief that they are always the victim. (Which, note, is also something some abusers do and not an aspie thing or an NT thing in itself)
    • A narcissist thinks everything they are doing is great and you are lucky to be around them, because damn.
  • If aspies manipulate, it is mostly unintentional.
    • Undiagnosed aspies might 'gaslight' unintentionally, but that's the key--they don't realize they're doing it because they don't see how distorted their perception is, and they are unlikely to lie outright (possible, but unlikely). This may lead to some controversial syndromes/disorders in the NT. Fwiw, otherwise non-abusive NT men gaslight unintentionally all the time. 'Gaslighting' might be a strong word since it is officially used for intentional manipulation, but the effects on your sense of reality and self-confidence can be exactly the same.
    • Control can be a coping mechanism for high levels of anxiety. In AS, usually this is directed at things, actions, or thoughts and manifests as preference for order, routine, and obsession. Unfortunately, sometimes it is also directed at people. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior.
    • Narcissists...well, it's not unintentional because as previously mentioned, they are God's gift to humanity, so why wouldn't they bend everything to their will? If they have to force and threaten and lie and push boundaries and exploit insecurities, then so what?
  • Most aspie men avoid commitment and are not the 'too deep too soon' type, with a few exceptions.
    • These exceptions probably have some other issues (insecure attachment at the very least).
    • While labels and commitment may be confining, it is not uncommon for aspie guys to go 'hot then cold'--start out pursuing a woman, then totally lose interest.
    • Narcissists are the "Let's get married! Here, let me move my stuff in" ones.
  • Aspies need lots of personal space and tend to treat everyone as equals.
    • If they are rude to waitstaff, etc., it is unintentional and just as likely to happen to anyone.
    • Narcissists, on the other hand, seem to go out of their way to berate and belittle shop assistants, guards, drivers, housekeeping, waitstaff, etc.
I hope this is taken in the spirit it is offered. If you still think he has AS, I do agree with others that he has other issues besides that, whatever they may be. Diagnosis and healing only happen when the individual takes responsibility for their own problems, which he seems highly unlikely to do. You cannot do this for him, and you cannot save him. He is being abusive. You need to protect yourself. If it helps any, protecting yourself and cutting him off for good is more likely to make him realize his error than sticking around where he can keep using you as a scapegoat. Plus, if it really is AS, he probably finds attention from you smothering at this point. So really, it is better for you both. If he really is a psychopath, the advice is the same.

It doesn't matter what his problem is. What matters is that his behavior is completely unacceptable, and it's hurting you.

I absolutely agree. And I like to point out a few things that I exceptionally agree with. Even though it not my thread I can say your information and opinions should be very helpful.

I particular agree with

An aspie is not everything to everyone.
  • Aspies are pretty consistent in their behavior, although they may have a 'social mask'...that's about it. They tend not to take great care in keeping up appearances, physical or social.
  • Narcissists have to make everybody love them.
Very easy distinction between an Aspie and a Narcissist. And if the Narcissist is not being liked, it is usually because the person had spend to much time with the Narcissist. And got experienced :p. I met some for a short time in mental wards, not long enough, but on the other hand to long already :p. Aspies on the other hand are by a lot of people not liked from the start. This was also told to me by some Aspie specialist psychologists to me. It was described as some people love you, and other people hate you. You should get used to that.

    • A narcissist thinks everything they are doing is great and you are lucky to be around them, because damn.
This should have been a dead give away to those that paid attention. I tend to apologise and say sorry for burding and eating up the time of the other person (female). Not realizing that she loved it.....but still being acting somewhat guilty for it. You are not getting that doubt from a narcissist :p. (unless he thinks you fall for it maybe, but even then unlikely :p). In fact even the most stabalized highly gifted aspies I met, have an attitude of ...I (as in she) is lucky to be in her own presence. And if you happen to want to share in that, it is oke. But never any impression of a believe that you SHOULD consider yourself lucky. I never had that impression from any of the narcissists :p. In fact an ironic opposite, where it was clear you where NOT lucky, but they acted like you whee supposed to be :p.

If aspies manipulate, it is mostly unintentional.
  • Undiagnosed aspies might 'gaslight' unintentionally, but that's the key--they don't realize they're doing it because they don't see how distorted their perception is, and they are unlikely to lie outright (possible, but unlikely). This may lead to some controversial syndromes/disorders in the NT. Fwiw, otherwise non-abusive NT men gaslight unintentionally all the time. 'Gaslighting' might be a strong word since it is officially used for intentional manipulation, but the effects on your sense of reality and self-confidence can be exactly the same.
  • Control can be a coping mechanism for high levels of anxiety. In AS, usually this is directed at things, actions, or thoughts and manifests as preference for order, routine, and obsession. Unfortunately, sometimes it is also directed at people. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior.
  • Narcissists...well, it's not unintentional because as previously mentioned, they are God's gift to humanity, so why wouldn't they bend everything to their will? If they have to force and threaten and lie and push boundaries and exploit insecurities, then so what?
I found the term 'gaslight' very appropriate. However at international stage, and movie psychopath level...you can imagine. In daily life it should more be seen as, the other person didn't stop it from happening.
I did cause 'gaslight' effects that I explained under the miscommunication. (the accidental part), but the moment I found out I get a very strong desire to fix it right on the spot...usually at the expense of the current activity. However I realize that you gave the perfect word for what I "accused" my NT-girlfriend (ex I suppose) off. It was one of the main reasons I fell out of love. And I took way to long to give her a chance to show if it was accidental or not.

About control we differed slightly on the words,"no excuse". And so I should let that lie for now. However if you ever come across me defending it, you might realize that my excuse is in fact a complete reinforcements of your believes.

  • Most aspie men avoid commitment and are not the 'too deep too soon' type, with a few exceptions.
    • These exceptions probably have some other issues (insecure attachment at the very least).
    • While labels and commitment may be confining, it is not uncommon for aspie guys to go 'hot then cold'--start out pursuing a woman, then totally lose interest.
    • Narcissists are the "Let's get married! Here, let me move my stuff in" ones.

I can absolutely confirm that especially with the first extra point. My too deep too soon behavior, was (and thank you for that by placing the suggestions so directly)....as a clear result of Anxious-Resistant Insecure Attachment. I have tended to mellow out a bit over time, but I already felt that was the culprit when I heard of it. I am sad that even when surrounded by highly specialized professional noboby ever noticed and pointed it out to me. Personally I had the feeling it must have started somewhere but it went before my earliest memories. The attachment with my mom is entirely damaged. And my father was kicked out at that time already. Her behavior are, frankly, terrible. And I notice I make a lot of people suffer from the damage it caused, but only my mom seems to be the one deserving it. What I thought was a clever way to avoid future problems, my hello message which started with the poll,"I am a troll?" is a clear expression of that disturbance in myself. However when not under the influence of emotions I agree that the description of a more standard Aspie guy....totally fits the way I think.


Aspies need lots of personal space and tend to treat everyone as equals.
  • If they are rude to waitstaff, etc., it is unintentional and just as likely to happen to anyone.
  • Narcissists, on the other hand, seem to go out of their way to berate and belittle shop assistants, guards, drivers, housekeeping, waitstaff, etc.
I do tend to treat everybody as equals. But in my particular case, I have a rather strange expression of it. I actually threat shop assistance, guards, drivers, housekeeping, waitstaff NICER. My reasoning is rather simple, if you have only one bread, and two hungry people, I rather give it to the one that I expect to be most hungry. I am some how sad that to most people this is perceived as a sign of weakness :(.
I was rather disappointing that my stable highly gifted Aspie friend seemed to be so happy for meeting the family of our queen. However on second look, this was in no way based on an actual extra appreciation of that person. It was however always in relation to the an underlying tone in the conversation ....my career is going well. And I am glad somebody is noticing. However in most conversations her ability to around bobo's...that is important people I think in dutch.....was mostly about the joke that that she walked around in all disregard of etiquette rules. And, and I think I have noticed this a lot by statements of various people, a lot of bobo's actually like that...since actual love of a real person, instead of the pretend love of most people...seems to somehow appeal to them more. I saw the same effect when Christopher Titus, the comedy who makes jokes about his own life, described the first meeting of really famous people.

Therefore the conclusion is appearantly simple. I want to especially point out that I agree extra, with all details in the whole post! To the poster of this thread, pay extra attention to what Royinpink is saying! And when you are looking, if you are still going to do that, try to look at those details not through somebody in love....but image what a friend of yours that is complete neutral about this, would say.

And to Royink thank you for saying things that made me realize a better way of describing what I did, that suddenly made me able to successfully connect to woman. And an extra appreciation why it meant so much to go back to the first, where I didn't do those things, and I know she likes me for who I really am. But I will probably, at the right time, post that in another threat.

And I guess we will disagree about the "never an excuse" part somewhere sometime :p.
 
Hello, and i am sorry you have been through this. I am not a mental health professional but this man seems to be a sociopath and not an aspie. The mindgames, the love bombing, the hot and cold behavior. I am a diagnosed aspie myself and i know many aspie people online and in real life and i have to say this behavior is alien and exhausting for us. Personally i consider it torture. There are sociopaths out there who exploit the fact that many people do not know enough about asperger syndrome and they use a pseudo-diagnosis in order to excuse inexcusable behavior. I have been abused by sociopaths and i recognise the patters. Please go no contact with this person and join a forum for support for victims of psychopaths. Psychopathfree is an excellent community, please check it.

Thank you Guendolen, it's has been an exhausting year since he told me I was going to "see the real me now", and you are absolutely right, the psychologist has told me he sounds like a sociopath. I have been studying this for the last couple of weeks, and it perfectly makes sense. I had never heard of one before, and it's chilling to see that he is one to a tee.

I can't get over how Naive I have been, seeing the best in this man and thinking I could benefit his life, when all he has done is emotionally destroy me.
 
I hope you can heal & move forward from this bad relationship. You've already received fantastic advice from other members here. I would especially reiterate Vanilla & Guendolen's practical & sage advice to check out the Spartan Life Coach on YouTube & the Psychopath Free website forum. (I had never heard of either one before, & they're both excellent resources.)

Guendolen also advised to go No Contact which you really need to do in order to break away from what's an addictive & unhealthy relationship, & secondly this guy has literally requested that you 'leave him alone' & threatened legal action should you refuse to follow his request. That's very typical narcissist & sociopathic behavior, being so unfair to you & not permitting you to receive the closure you probably desire & definitely deserve.

I assume things went okay at work since you have not followed up further. If he did not proceed in having you removed as his "buddy", I would speak to your supervisor & initiate that transfer if possible to limit your work overlap & necessary interactions as much as feasibly possible.

I would absolutely recommend that you only interact with him on an 'as needed basis' for work, & always in a civil & professional manner. Otherwise always act as if you NEVER had any kind of friendship, romantic or other personal relationship with him.

Best of luck to you. I truly hope you will check out those resources mentioned. They will help you get off the crazy roller coaster ride with this guy. Otherwise, it will repeat & continue until you are hurt even worse. You don't need or deserve that. (No one does.):rose:
 
I assume things went okay at work since you have not followed up further. If he did not proceed in having you removed as his "buddy", I would speak to your supervisor & initiate that transfer if possible to limit your work overlap & necessary interactions as much as feasibly possible.

I assume things went okay at work since you have not followed up further. If he did not proceed in having you removed as his "buddy", I would speak to your supervisor & initiate that transfer if possible to limit your work overlap & necessary interactions as much as feasibly possible.
 
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