Depression and It Keeps Getting Worse

[Harpuia]

Do any of you ever get depressed at times or have this feeling of hopelessness? I don't know if it's a result of me being an Aspies'... but I feel like I'm going to be 26 in August and it's like life has pretty much all but passed me by. I never kept friendships for long in high school, college, and the early work years regardless of how outgoing I tried to be. I was bullied and treated like crap often, and my parents overlooked it all and just made me do nothing but study, study, study. They told me that I would have it easier when I grew up.

Well now I'm grown up and I ask, is this all I have to look forward to? Is this what I sacrificed my childhood for? If it is, I feel like I don't even belong on this earth. I feel like I was tricked by my POS parents who never wanted what was best for me. I missed out on that first love, friendships, etc. all because all I was told to do was study study study. Now all I do, even though my life is "ok" rather than "terrible" back then, is work, go home, play Pokemon or program. I barely talk to anyone anymore. I have a few online friends and that's about it.

I also am financially well, but that might change if the market keeps crashing as it is.

I want a reset button. At times I wish I had a time machine to go back to when I was 13, with what I knew, and I could tell my parents how right I was that all that sacrifice was IN VAIN.

Yeah I know a lot of my bullies in high school are sort of struggling right now (keyword sort of) and a lot of my "friends" then who turned on me are living paycheck to paycheck, and I'm expected to be thankful for that. Except they can be happy, because they have friends and a support group around them. I do not.

I hate myself.

 

[Gomendosi]

Seriously, I get like that all the time, I set myself up for the fall though because as soon as I get depressed about something, rather than backpedal and try to change my mood, I will switch to doing only things that will comfort me which perpetuates the cycle and then I will dwell on more things that depress me. I can have a full blown funk going in next to no time at all.

I have been thinking that it might be good to get something going that is completely out of my comfort zone, like a hobby that doesn?t interest me that much, because when I am depressed I figure it will take a lot of my mindset to engage in the hobby to make it interesting and then I haven?t got anything spare to keep the depression going? Make sense, I'm gonna try it at least ; ]

Also, now when I am depressed I try to get outside and go shopping or something, because avoiding everything seems to make it worse whereas torturing myself by being in a crowd or new/ different place, again takes my mind away from the depression so it slowly dies off.
Or at least that is the theory I am working on, not too many trials yet :lol:

If it helps I can also start rabbiting on about how lucky you are to have your health and job and education and live in such a nice place, but you can pretty much hear that from anyone and I think (like me) you come here for something different, a fresh perspective on questions.
So I hope you can get something out of what I say here, if I am making sense at all.

I set myself a task of finding a house to live in and it took me many years to achieve this, but if I am honest I didn?t want out of my rut, I was safe doing the same old boring, crappy things all the time because they were familiar and? well, safe, but (partly) since I have been here, I am starting to look at things differently lately and it helps to know a lot of us are in the same boat.

You may find a lot of support here in even people that need it themselves, often times the most sense comes from the strangest of sources so always ask questions here and see what gets said in reply, it can?t hurt, it may help.

 

[arthurfakaya]

Long before I even suspected that I was Aspergers, I was diagnosed as suffering from depression and social anxiety. That was 13 years ago and what followed was 7 years of anti-depressants, until in consultation with my doctor I weened myself off them because they weren't really helping, just making me depressed, more anxious and occasionally manic. I believe now that I never actually had depression, I had anxiety; and the anxiety was really a symptom of my Aspergers. I still suffer from the anxiety, but at least now that I'm off the medication I'm not cycling between depression and anxiety.

It's normal at age 26 to feel like your life has passed you by and that life's treated you badly. Everybody feels like that at times regardless of age. It's only when we reach 36, 46, 56 or 66 that we realise that at earlier times we had less perspective. I'm not sure any of us can ever claim to be truly grown up or to have complete perspective. Life is just one continuous experience in growth.

I can't claim to know whether what you're experiencing is depression, anxiety, a symptom of your Aspergers, or something everyone goes through, but I know that our attitude can have a huge bearing on whether we succumb to depression or not.

However, depression is a serious matter, and to be on the safe side you should consult your doctor, if you haven't already done so, especially if you've had this state of mind for some time.

Also, karma has a way of evening things out. Those bullies will learn their lesson in time one way or another.

 

[Bay]

I agree. My depression was at its worst in my 20s and has, since then, gotten better. I, too, believe that I do not actually have depression now but instead have AS related anxiety. I don't retreat because I am depressed, I retreat to cope with anxiety. I also agree that if your depression isn't going away after a lengthy spell it is a good idea to consult a Dr. There are physical things that can cause depression-like symptoms.

 

[NeverEnder]

I am in the middle of dealing with deep depression, great anxiety as well as Aspergers Syndrome.

It is quite difficult.

I am stable on some levels, financially, at this point, but it feels as if my anxiety is eating me alive.

I do not know what to do.

 

[Bay]

NeverEnder, I assume you have sought counseling or medical options?

 

[Harpuia]

I am in the middle of dealing with deep depression, great anxiety as well as Aspergers Syndrome.

It is quite difficult.

I am stable on some levels, financially, at this point, but it feels as if my anxiety is eating me alive.

I do not know what to do.

I think we are both in the same boat man.

In many ways, I feel like I was cheated out of my childhood, but considering that I know that whatever I had was more severe then, I don't know if it would've mattered if my parents held me back or not though.

At the same time, I really wish I could've at least had the chance to try!

 

[NeverEnder]

NeverEnder, I assume you have sought counseling or medical options?

Bay, yes, I have been in treatment for Depression beginning 12-years ago. Currently, I feel as if I am not receiving proper or appropriate treatment for my illness, though.

I am on 3 medications, but overall I feel as if things are growing worse.

 

[Harpuia]

For me, it's that just when I am trying to recover from one mini-crisis socially, another one follows, and I just keep falling deeper and deeper into the hole...

 

[Alpaca]

I've been way depressed for a couple days. It even affected my work yesterday. So, afterwards, a 4 mile run was the perfect way to burn off the frustration and anxiety. I may be eccentric, hyper-intelligent and WAY too passionate about politics, but Damnit I'm Sexy!

Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Eat healthy, live healthy, think healthy.

Love causes a release of the Trust compound, Oxytocin. Doctors recommend 8 hugs a day for this reason. Just sayin

 

[arthurfakaya]

Neverender, have your medications been altered lately? And have you spoken to your doc about your concerns recently?

Harpuia, I have experienced something very similar. As the number of stressors increased, I found it progressively harder to cope. Seems to happen for both depression and anxiety. Easier said than done, but you need to develop strategies for reducing the amount of stressors - perhaps you could share your burdens with family / loved ones rather than trying to cope alone. We are designed to cope with a considerable amount of stress, but beyond a certain limit we just can't cope.

Alpaca, yes they reckon exercise is one of the best things for depression. And it certainly figures that hugs would up there as well.

 

[Bay]

NeverEnder, I was on Welbutrin for many years. Around two years ago it seemed to stop working well. After having it bumped up to the maximum recommended dosage, my (new) Dr. took me off of it, explaining that after several years I had likely developed a tolerance to it and it was not working any longer. I was put on another med that has worked well. Please consider looking into your meds? I do not like to think of you suffering.

 

[Alpaca]

I agree. It sounds weird, but I don't like My People suffering. I'm actually considering switching majors from Sustainable Energy Technologies to Youth Counseling, focused mostly on those within the spectrum. While, I'm far from where I would, one day, like to see myself, but I've picked up a lot of good tips and tricks along the way. Mainly confidence. If Aspies ever discover their inner confidence....look out world.

 

[NeverEnder]

*This is not my thread, originally, and I am not trying to derail it about myself, only, but it is a fitting thread due to my ongoing feelings*

I just feel battered at times by my own mind. How can my mind be unhealthy and not attempt to repair itself? It seems like unknowing, self-sabotage.

I always take my meds and try to lead a healthy life. But, the last two years I have literally not left the house except to go to Doctor's appointments. I have no social life (Nor do I really crave a social life or close friends). I have become a shut-in at the age of 41.

My mind reels with worries fueled by an organic paranoia.

I worry about my future; Not in the sense of being "successful" and such but just in terms of my eroding health and what shall become of me. Will I just become a generic statistic in an obituary? Yes, probably so.

The Depression haunts my days and clouds my moods. My Aspergers plays tricks on my mind and encourages certain behavior (or lack of).

Simply, I am confused and often feel very alone in all of this.

Posting my thoughts about this, here, helps me. Thank you.

[Matthew]

 

[Gomendosi]

NeverEnder, I started off my life as a hermit and I can tell you that if you're doing it right it is the most harmful thing in terms of mental health; I really hope things don’t progress down this road for you as it did for me.

I don’t even think you hijacked the thread, it seems like everybody can benefit from the advice given here, I just wish I had some good advice to give you guys other than stay positive.

 

[Harpuia]

I am thinking about becoming a hermit myself.

With my luck in the dating/friendship realm, it has been so bad that I have seriously trial-runned giving up a few times...

 

[arthurfakaya]

Is there a link/correlation between Aspergers and Agoraphobia i.e. fear of leaving your house?

 

[Harpuia]

Is there a link/correlation between Aspergers and Agoraphobia i.e. fear of leaving your house?

I'm not sure. I'm not at a fear of leaving my house... yet. But the issue I'm having is that like every several months or so, I fall into a serious social crisis and I manage to lose all my friends.

A few examples recently:

- Being blackmailed by an ex-friend because I won't let him borrow $1,000 from me. (But he promises to pay that back plus the $2,000 he also owes me plus 10% interest).

- Made a comment on a board I didn't think was very offensive but apparently pissed someone else off. Didn't quite know what I did, but I angered everyone on one political camp on this board, mostly my friends, and lost a whole load of people on the buddy list. Friends would be replaced with death threats.

- Losing a friend because I don't know how to play the game of Duel Masters (her version which since the game is discontinued is now the "official" US version) correctly and her community coming to her aid.

- Being called a "retard beta" by an ex-girlfriend turned friend because I didn't want to hear her talk about the intimate things she does with her boyfriend. Well, at least, they made me very VERY uncomfortable.

 

[King_Oni]

Is there a link/correlation between Aspergers and Agoraphobia i.e. fear of leaving your house?

If it's irrational "fear" of leaving, then no... but if it's "rational", then yes. There's some AS traits I could easily place onto a agoraphobia category. I'm not agoraphobic, but I cannot deal with most sensory stimuli of "daytime".

Similiarly; AS and personality disorders, like for instance an avoidant personality disorder. AS might be the cause of that in the long run.

 

[arthurfakaya]

I'm not sure. I'm not at a fear of leaving my house... yet. But the issue I'm having is that like every several months or so, I fall into a serious social crisis and I manage to lose all my friends.

Yes, but my point was that agoraphobia / becoming a hermit develops from withdrawing from the world when our issues really take over. And thus those people with Aspergers who suffer from those issues are more likely than NTs of becoming agoraphobic. I guess its an attempt to protect ourselves from the issues that impact upon us. Except, its somewhat naive because we are still vulnerable to those issues even if we try to block out the world - especially these days. For example, teenagers nowadays get cyber-bullied instead of or on top of schoolyard bullying.

And just as a bully can only be dealt with proactively by facing up to or reporting him/her, we can't solve our problems by becoming reclusive; we can only solve them by facing them head-on. And dealing with them one at a time. We can use our unique Aspie mindset to overcome our issues and fears using logic and perseverance. There is no problem that cannot be solved by breaking it down into bite size pieces.

But when we don't deal with our problems as they come along, inevitably newer ones add to these, and our burden grows beyond what we can bear. We kid ourselves that if we ignore them then they can't hurt us, however, they will always overwhelm in time.

The bottom line is that we really can't rely on anyone else to take care of all our issues for us. We can share our burden, yes, that helps, but ultimately we cannot grow as individuals whenever we take the easy way out. Sure, it's tempting to retreat into our shell and say, "I can't cope because of my Aspergers", but this will only cause our problems to smother us. It's healthier to say, "My Aspergers makes it difficult to do things in the ordinary way, however, it also gives me skills to see things and do things in an extraordinary way that ordinary humans can't. So I choose to embrace this gift, this unique way of seeing the world and show everyone what I'm made of". Become an ambassador for Aspergers.

Or you can eat tinned spinach. It worked for Popeye. Although these days his aggressive behaviour would get him arrested.