Denying yourself?

[arcan]

I'm 39 and I've only recently researched AS, made online tests that clearly told me I'm aspie. But long before that I've always have many troubles and I've been working on some for years.
For instance, I used to be unable to look people in the eye for more than 1 or 2 seconds. Now I can force myself, but mostly I look at their nose or lips.
I have problems/hate being in a crowd, meeting people, but one of my former jobs had a PR part and I had to force myself talking, etc.
I also have obsessions, but whenever I notice something is an obsession, I stop it completely (except for some I know will be temporary).
I know some of the work I did (and still do) is good, but sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud. I'd like nothing more than being alone, seeing no one, not having my BF anymore. Just being completely alone and forget all the rest.
I'm not sure this is completely unrelated to my almost permanent depression.
Are some of you feeling the same? How do you cope?

 

[Beverly]

I know what you mean. A part of me would love to be alone, dump my career and, become a hermit but both my philanthropic, vain, greedy, responsible and, comfort seeking aspects all disagree with the hermit plan so, it won't happen.

I have made my home, and in home parts of my business safe for me to be my Aspie self - I'd be insane, certifiably so, by now if I hadn't done that. I've got to wear my public façade outside my home, for a few more months, then I will be coming out and dropping that as well.

I can't be a hermit but, maybe I can be an Aspi in the limelight and be more myself out there. Maybe someone out there will rethink their negative impression of ASD if they see me, and others being more open about being on the spectrum. Maybe another one on the spectrum will get that job or be promoted because a few of us can show the world that ASD doe not make one crazy, stupid, retarded, carelss or anything bad and, we can succeed if we are just give the chance to prove it.

 

[tfwo]

Hello Arcan, I've suspected that I was on the spectrum for a few years, but have only recently begun to pursue an official diagnosis at 43 years old. I know what it's like to go through life trying to live up the expectations of a society that you somehow seem unfit for, and as a result, end up living a life that is not your own. We each have are own ways of coping. Ever since childhood I've had a place in the house that I've claimed as my own, which has been everything from a whole room, to a closet. As long as it has a door it should be good. The problem is when we have been living in this world conforming to the expectations of others, and we then attempt to make our own space in this world. The NT's around us don't understand us isolating ourselves, and perceive it as us withdrawing from the relationship, and they can often react to in emotionally, which causes us to further shutdown. The only time that I get to really unwind and recharge is when I stay up at night, after everyone else has gone to bed. That unfortunately results in me not getting the amount of sleep that I should. It's a constant struggle, trying to meet the needs of others,as well as my own.

 

[Gordy]

Hello Arcan. I am 48 and feel similarly. I tend to rotate my obsessions so I only do them for a few months then I deliberately stop - have withdrawal / loss symptoms - and start another one. I have three or four that I rotate. My reason for doing this is that concentrating on one thing upsets the NTs in my life. As for work, I feel a bit of a fraud sometimes. I can coast along for periods and maybe not work as hard as I think I should, simply because I don't have enough interest or enthusiasm for the task in hand. Then I panic, worry I might be found out and start doing huge amounts of work. I think this is quite a common thing.

 

[Myway]

Arcan, I feel the same way a lot of the time. I am alone some of the time, but not as much as I would like. I tend to ignore people or pretend I am deaf do that they don't talk to me, but that isn't all that nice. I don't cope with things that well, but in public I know that I need to handle myself so I tend to take sensory objects with me places, like a stress ball or fidget toy. This helps me focus better. I am not a huge fan of other people, but I survive.

 

[Tom]

Yes, it like is related to depression. Turn it upside down and there are many accomplishments to be proud of.

I believe it is a mistake to think if you only follow your autism inclinations that then and only then is it the real you. HFA is a strange bird in that not all characteristics are negative, but some definately are. The trick is to learn what is useful, what is neutral and what is negative about it.
Take advantage of the first, don't stress on the second and resist the third, is how I would describe making the most of it.