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Define yourself

Kayla55

Well-Known Member
Yip, knowing what to expect can ease lot of pressure

Speaking of compatibility it goes long way in a relationship working. Bad experiences can haunt a person.
Asking a young inexperienced lady to define certain preferences so as to not waste time dating is a good idea and being young I was clueless as to what he was talking about and how someone could be so rude as to bring up sex on first date.
If you have repetitive interests in sex, are very sexually demanding and lack any social skills for a relationship then you should say it on first date, perhaps if you met person online it would be more discreet. No, please don't assume all women are same and will adapt. Women are different and not all conform to traditions but some do.

Define oneself as a-sexual is very little or no interest in sex. Perhaps is more occupied with a new game, doesn't switch off task at hand and decide to have sex.

Readily dateable means you interested in sex on a healthy level, can engage in few social habits such conversation, sharing interests. Are expecting someone to respond with relative interest to reasonable (non-exllicit) demands.
 
I think, unfortunately, we encounter a lot of self-image in dating. People don't just act more polite, in the early stages, but will be someone they're not. So, unfortunately, no one will say, "I like social skills." Or, "I'm sexually demanding." They'll project their flaws onto others or reframe themselves to look better, instead. "I know what I like and get what I want," can be another person's demanding.

Of course, some people spend whole relationships being someone they're not. Not that this is unique to love.

Love from friendship is probably better, as you already know how much a person's actions match their words. In dating, there are many rewards for dishonesty, and dishonesty becomes easier.

Some compare dating to job interviews, too. That is true in many ways, but one they don't mention: bad people know how to present themselves. And they are often hard to fire. Perhaps it's better to volunteer and see who you meet, instead of setting up the interview.
 
Sex education for aspies

She:
No, he's not inviting you to his place for a cup of tea. He is trying his luck to sleep with you. If you don't know this your Mom shouldn't let you out the house.
If you don't know how to say no, or you were not thinking of sex it's better to not go to quiet place, this way you avoid using no which can make relationship akward.

He:
Keep a condom, show it to her before having sex for first time. If you still can't read her guesses after that you not ready for dating. I've heard of someone online story say he was very upset because that is not what he meant when he was charged with rape.

There is more to this but this aspies sometimes the direct approach is best.
Are you sure this is what you want?
 
Define myself?

I'm a musician who has autism. I enjoy reading, cooking, baking, and consuming tea and water. I like walking by the sea, long drives with plainchant on my speakers. I am sometimes awkward and silent and mute; other times I am monstrous and awful to be around. I am also in love. I have big dreams and goals and have been working on them for years. I've only recently really had the opportunity to know myself as a human being.
 
I think, unfortunately, we encounter a lot of self-image in dating. People don't just act more polite, in the early stages, but will be someone they're not. So, unfortunately, no one will say, "I like social skills." Or, "I'm sexually demanding." They'll project their flaws onto others or reframe themselves to look better, instead. "I know what I like and get what I want," can be another person's demanding.

Of course, some people spend whole relationships being someone they're not. Not that this is unique to love.

Love from friendship is probably better, as you already know how much a person's actions match their words. In dating, there are many rewards for dishonesty, and dishonesty becomes easier.

Some compare dating to job interviews, too. That is true in many ways, but one they don't mention: bad people know how to present themselves. And they are often hard to fire. Perhaps it's better to volunteer and see who you meet, instead of setting up the interview.
I'm unsure if this is off-topic, but I never understood the notion of 'if you don't love yourself, someone won't love you.' Someone doesn't have to love themselves in order to be loved, and just because someone loves themselves doesn't mean that others have to love them. Am I too much of a cynic?
 
I think, unfortunately, we encounter a lot of self-image in dating. People don't just act more polite, in the early stages, but will be someone they're not. So, unfortunately, no one will say, "I like social skills." Or, "I'm sexually demanding." They'll project their flaws onto others or reframe themselves to look better, instead. "I know what I like and get what I want," can be another person's demanding.

Of course, some people spend whole relationships being someone they're not. Not that this is unique to love.

Love from friendship is probably better, as you already know how much a person's actions match their words. In dating, there are many rewards for dishonesty, and dishonesty becomes easier.

Some compare dating to job interviews, too. That is true in many ways, but one they don't mention: bad people know how to present themselves. And they are often hard to fire. Perhaps it's better to volunteer and see who you meet, instead of setting up the interview.
Absolutely. Being young I was soooooo clueless. So don't be hard on yourself if you new at dating because I only understood things better later on....and what I say here is me getting picture when I was older and experienced.
I think social pressure is immense and masking plays a huge part in it. As you get older and you find and understand yourself more it is easier to be able to be yourself with ease. You realise more what's important, young aspies do not know anything when we young!!

Yes, there are people who don't do above, they seem to be socially influenced their whole lives.
 
I'm unsure if this is off-topic, but I never understood the notion of 'if you don't love yourself, someone won't love you.' Someone doesn't have to love themselves in order to be loved, and just because someone loves themselves doesn't mean that others have to love them. Am I too much of a cynic?
Many things you hear will only make sense later (even 10 years later your understanding would have grown more) the reply about being young applies, we are having emotional outbursts, reacting to new things, and aspies take longer to find themselves.
We are like a complex Lego piece of over 500 pieces, it will take at least 5 years to begin to understand people and sometimes more.
 
I'm unsure if this is off-topic, but I never understood the notion of 'if you don't love yourself, someone won't love you.' Someone doesn't have to love themselves in order to be loved, and just because someone loves themselves doesn't mean that others have to love them. Am I too much of a cynic?
Projection is when one criticises another of what they do themselves. Or is similar to hypocrisy. And here is one example of self love or acceptance, but there are many. When one goes to the mirror and looks carefully to see themselves and can forgive or begin to work on what bothers them so much, they are ready to love others with compassion.
 
Many things you hear will only make sense later (even 10 years later your understanding would have grown more) the reply about being young applies, we are having emotional outbursts, reacting to new things, and aspies take longer to find themselves.
We are like a complex Lego piece of over 500 pieces, it will take at least 5 years to begin to understand people and sometimes more.
Wise words! I'm definitely a complex LEGO construction; relevant because I love Bionicle! :D
 
Projection is when one criticises another of what they do themselves. Or is similar to hypocrisy. And here is one example of self love or acceptance, but there are many. When one goes to the mirror and looks carefully to see themselves and can forgive or begin to work on what bothers them so much, they are ready to love others with compassion.
Oh yes; I was prone to projection and hypocrisy early on in my relationship. Also my then-current metal state didn't really help due to overwhelm all the time.
 
I'm unsure if this is off-topic, but I never understood the notion of 'if you don't love yourself, someone won't love you.' Someone doesn't have to love themselves in order to be loved, and just because someone loves themselves doesn't mean that others have to love them. Am I too much of a cynic?

People who don't love themselves tend to attract predators. Or form codependent relationships because they seek external validation, instead of validating themselves.

You may love someone who doesn't love themselves, but they will always reject that love. So it will never be received, despite being offered.

You're right that loving yourself doesn't mean others will love us. But, these relationship ideas assume the world is full of adjusted, healthy, loving people. Loving ourselves may just show us how much love is missing in most lives. (If we look at the world, it doesn't seem very loving, does it?). Or we may realize neither sex has it all sorted out, as we often assume. There is a lot of advice directed at men on being better partners, but this assumes women are collectively mature, stable, empathetic, and responsible. We are all flawed and have our histories to deal with, though.
 
People who don't love themselves tend to attract predators. Or form codependent relationships because they seek external validation, instead of validating themselves.

You may love someone who doesn't love themselves, but they will always reject that love. So it will never be received, despite being offered.

You're right that loving yourself doesn't mean others will love us. But, these relationship ideas assume the world is full of adjusted, healthy, loving people. Loving ourselves may just show us how much love is missing in most lives. (If we look at the world, it doesn't seem very loving, does it?). Or we may realize neither sex has it all sorted out, as we often assume. There is a lot of advice directed at men on being better partners, but this assumes women are collectively mature, stable, empathetic, and responsible. We are all flawed and have our histories to deal with, though.
Hmm...you've given me a lot to think about.
 
I would like to remind you that men are not wild animals. We are actually able to think and even think about other things than sex. Sometimes we actually enjoy the company of other people without taking our pants off. Believe it or not. Maybe you need to find a more friendly place to live. Getting a little tired of the never-ending man-bashing I hear these days.
Some men like to play fields when they young, some never grow up.
It's understanding literal for young aspiring girls....no he may not be wanting tea and talk to you, so define yourself as in asexual for a time and being young and avoid a nasty situation.
If you invited her to quiet space then that's fine but it depends on trying to calculate what other person means, just find place more quiet or .....
 
Some men like to play fields when they young, some never grow up.
It's understanding literal for young aspiring girls....no he may not be wanting tea and talk to you, so define yourself as in asexual for a time and being young and avoid a nasty situation.
If you invited her to quiet space then that's fine but it depends on trying to calculate what other person means, just find place more quiet or .....

It sounds like you've had some really bad experience. It can be awful when that lingers, even as we understand the situation and seem to have moved on.
 
I suppose this is a whole chapter on its own, I never had many female friends, but mostly 90% of men are not your male-friend. For long time is was learning about how sex ruint the friendship!!

Young women (not sure about guys) have to learn literals.
He wasn't asking for direction, he was trying to pick you up.
Just give him the wrong number because ....
I prefer place not busy but it was one of my first hard lessons....a quiet place is hands in places I don't like. Consider saying I just don't like the noise can we go to place more quiet, then end evening without touching me (cause I hated that) and I will believe you!!
 
I can relate to your experience, in my own way. I've been sexually harassed by women at work, and I've had girlfriends pressure me for sex. I've met many people who misinterpret and distort what I say, to hear what they want. Or, instead of looking at the obvious, they see what they want. You easily become an object in their eyes--a resource for their wants and sense of inadequacy.
 
It sounds like you've had some really bad experience. It can be awful when that lingers, even as we understand the situation and seem to have moved on.
Depends what your daughter looks like....and consider she's clueless and social reject then you feeding her to the wolves. People always said men are intimidated by beautiful women and so she ends up being lonely, true unless smell a weakness and no one really wants to be embarassed or on receiving end.
I am all for giving input to help young people because I know when I was younger how I just couldn't seem to understand what others did.
I learnt in life that your attitude is the determining factor but such simplicity doesn't even come to some who are NT

We don't own other people, and treating your servant badly will land you on my bad side, my friends maid would share half my sandwich with me, and be my guide, I could ask her all kinds of things and she help me. I am not opposed to her job as a servant, I was opposed to how much work she was expected to do, I told her I only wash my windows once a month. I Iated people who use their success be it sports or academic to assert themselves into others and believe they no longer required to respect a women or have manners. I disagree that my intellect gives me the right to exploit others,
But mostly if you order a mail order bride from Phillipines you ought to be put in jail. There is no excease why a person can't work on themselves, it's a bad attitude.
 
Moving out of your comfort zone ....
(Pressure achieves success but only with the right tools to tackle life issues)

Taking a trip to internet cafe once a week is beneficial, be it for group gaming or just to browse and get out the house. It's not about dating, it's to decide what you like to do and have a bit of a life, that way dating is easier.

Or
Join a club, gather weekly to collect stamps or play chess etc.

Volunteer

The idea is to be out there more, the pressure to find a girlfriend comes when time is right. What this does is just expose and allow you to socialise a little,
 
People grow and change over the course of their lives. Drawing a line in the sand and saying I am defined by A - Q, is placing an arbitrary limit on one's capacity for personal growth. One can be passionate about something, perfer a certain method, or believe a certain way, but these are components of a whole, not defining immutable criteria. Say you fail at Criteria G, a special interest, in spectacular fashion? Does that mean failure is now the definition of the individual?

Consider the contextual functionality of the statement. Is it realistic? How does it impact the individual and if there is significant impact, does the statement (mindset) need to be challenged? And if it does, how does one challenge it?
 
I'm not sure what the point of all this is, but to me, defining yourself is not much different in consequence than having someone else define you. It's putting yourself (or being put) in a pigeon hole when the reality is that for many people, on the spectrum or not, 'self' is rather more likely to be fluid and subject to quite extensive change.

Pigeon holes are easy, and also traps to limit freedom and growth. Why do that to yourself? What is to be gained from it?

Admittedly, the OP writes in a style that I can't make much sense of since it reads like a form of mental shorthand in places, thus I suspect I am really missing the point. If so, by all means ignore me since I'm probably not the intended audience!
 

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