Deciding to be single

[Jordy]

there were people were I knew when they would be single, then there would be a couple of admirers who already wait all the time in their wings. sometimes I had the feeling that some people know that and find it good that they have alternatives when a relationship is over.

and these people, when they said "I will stay single for a while", I thought "timer runs. in 2 weeks he/she will have a new partner." and most times I was right lol. I have the feeling that some people are unable to stay single and run with lightspeed into the next relationship when they become single once.

I find it crass that some people can start 2 weeks after a relationship a new one, without needing any break or something.

Quite a lot of young woman have a social media account filled with chats from guys trying to get with them, its a source of self esteem. If they don't feel like being alone anymore they can pick who they think ranks highest.

 

[Markness]

Partly why I can’t make the choice to be voluntarily single is because I feel like it means the people who said I would never have a girlfriend would win.

 

[Magna]

Partly why I can’t make the choice to be voluntarily single is because I feel like it means the people who said I would never have a girlfriend would win.

What if caring less or not at all what other people think about your personal life is a way of you "winning"?

 

[Hazel_1914]

Partly why I can’t make the choice to be voluntarily single is because I feel like it means the people who said I would never have a girlfriend would win.

Markness, those kind of people have already lost when they woke up this morning & decided to be that.
The difference between them & a horse's arse? A horse's arse is just his back shoulders and can do useful work. Meanwhile these folks will be of zero value to you whatsoever, or to themselves.

 

[Crabcore]

I personally enjoy the healthy interdependency that a good relationship provides. I think it has made me a much better person over the years, much less-selfish, a bit more organized, and more in-tune to the needs of others. It probably started out a bit codependent, admittedly, but I quit being a manchild for the most part and that's all the proof that I need that I'm supposed to walk this path in this life (there will undoubtedly be others, because I believe in reincarnation for whatever stupid reason).

But I totally understand why some people would opt out. It's not for everybody, and relationships are very difficult. Maybe for some, it's just not in the universe's deck of cards.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Your decision sounds like a well reasoned one for your situation.

You finding satisfaction within yourself is wonderful and I commend you for that.

For too long I was seeking external validation of my worth and that was damaging. I wish you all the best in your journey of self actualization.

 

[Aspychata]

Think relationships are great. Like it when we both benefit and grow as people. Finding someone you are attracted to, someone who is interesting or even quirky can be difficult since this is all subjective. But finding this in one lifetime can be definitely overwhelming.

As a result, l just don't even try because it's not going to happen. Yet l have been married and have had several long term relationships.

Single has also been a option, because work can be a lot for those on the spectrum, and we need quite a lot of time to decompress after a long day.

 

[SusanLR]

I had a good relationship with my parents and never had the desire to live with someone else.
A few boyfriends along the way were good enough for a diversion.
I could never stand living with someone else, nor could I tolerate people in my house. When we did have distant relatives visit, it was so uncomfortable.
Couldn't wait for them to go home.

Part of it was that I had health problems and not being independent too.
No one would want to put up with me full time. And I never wanted to be with them full time either.
I'm currently living with someone platonically and miserable. Twelve years and still feel I can't be myself. Plus, he has a nasty temper.
At least it is a large house and I stay mostly in my side of it.

 

[Markness]

What if caring less or not at all what other people think about your personal life is a way of you "winning"?

It wouldn’t change the fact I am still behind my siblings who are all married and have children. I am tired of always being the odd person out whenever they have their families under the same roof.

 

[Primrose]

I'm currently living with someone platonically and miserable. Twelve years and still feel I can't be myself. Plus, he has a nasty temper.
At least it is a large house and I stay mostly in my side of it.

It doesn't sound right you have to live with a person with a nasty temper or that you feel miserable. My ex was like that and I walked on eggshells around him and it may have made my health problems worse. Hope your situation will improve.

 

[Hazel_1914]

It wouldn’t change the fact I am still behind my siblings who are all married and have children. I am tired of always being the odd person out whenever they have their families under the same roof.

If you were to make it your choice to do something different, you're not behind. You'd be precisely where you want to be.
Until you quit trying to be Just Like all the people you don't even like, or comparing yourself to everyone else--I am afraid there is not any help anyone can offer that will work.

 

[Heidi M.]

For me, I was more lonely in a relationship than these 10 years single. . What might have tripped me up before was thinking a relationship would make me not be lonely, i was wrong. Now, I can come and go as I please and be friends with whomever I want and like, eat, sleep, dress, dance, do my art, laundry etc when how what i like... etc without having to make excuses, plead my case. It's very freeing for me, however I need friends for sure. And I don't mind doing what they want and giving up a few things to the advantage of the other person. As long as i get to come home to my sanctuary and happily be 'me'

But i think the crux of all of this is to have your community, finding friends ....which is so difficult for me. I am lucky to live with two nice housemates and a lot of privacy.
For me, needing a relationship was a red flag that something isn't right.. wanting a relationship is different i would think.
Building your own life and knowing who you are & what you want! seems the first thing we should do..

If getting to be 50+ years is lonely for many people, it's probably more about not having a few good friends or housemates than having a marriage. For me, that's the area I work on. It's impossible to find the one friend that has all your interests. So I have a friend who like PBS shows and a few of my interests.. so i only talk about the things we have in common and I might not spend tons of time with her but enough for us to enjoy each other's company. Another friend likes to go on walks but we have little in common except liking animals and nature. That's one thing i have finally learned, to accept people and play within the framework of what you do have in common

sorry i derailed.. but i think friendship is so important over romantic relationships.. and if you find a friend that leads to romance then maybe that is even better than finding the person you're sexually attracted to.. i'm think we make poor choices when we let our subconscious make our decisions for romantic partners. haha

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It wouldn’t change the fact I am still behind my siblings who are all married and have children. I am tired of always being the odd person out whenever they have their families under the same roof.

Markness, I understand some of the loneliness of being alone among couples. Are you exploring all the ways you can meet women? I was talking to somebody about music and dancing and mentioned I enjoy the Cedar Polkafest where I dance with every woman who cares to polka. Soon, I get offers to dance from all ages.

I see that there are Polka festivals in Texas, both Czeck and Polish. Can you polka? Go, enjoy the food and music and start asking women to dance. At the end of the night you will be worn out and have many admirers that I bet you can follow up with.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

but i think friendship is so important over romantic relationships.. and if you find a friend that leads to romance then maybe that is even better than finding the person you're sexually attracted to.

So very important! If you have read my posts you may have come across how I started the relationship with my spouse. We were friends first then met IRL for a road trip to a Sierra Club outing. It was an intense experience and at the end of four days we were enjoying each other's company. This disarmed a lot of anxiety I had about sex, being an inexperienced virgin at 28, and I made myself vulnerable to her. I was simply astounded at being accepted sexually and that is where the attraction at her personality, values, and interests helped me so much.

 

[tree]

Partly why I can’t make the choice to be voluntarily single is because I feel like it means the people who said I would never have a girlfriend would win.

In this case your *feeling* is incorrect.

This is a story you're telling yourself.

What logical basis is there for a choice you might make meaning
that other people are somehow *winning*/controlling you?

 

[Owliet]

It wouldn’t change the fact I am still behind my siblings who are all married and have children. I am tired of always being the odd person out whenever they have their families under the same roof.

Both my sibling and cousin of similar age are in a relationship, my older cousins are married with 3 children each. My younger cousins, I don’t really know what they do because I haven’t seen them in years. My other cousin had to have a fast marriage after having her child, and my sibling has Been in a relationship with her boyfriend For about 2 years. Compared to them, you could argue that I am not successful.

I really do know that it is difficult but Don’t compare yourself to others. We all have our Different pathways in life. The more you compare and think you need to achieve things by a certain age, you’re more likely to become sad when it is not happening.

 

[Owliet]

sorry i derailed.. but i think friendship is so important over romantic relationships.. and if you find a friend that leads to romance then maybe that is even better than finding the person you're sexually attracted to.. i'm think we make poor choices when we let our subconscious make our decisions for romantic partners. haha

I don’t think that is derailing. I think it is true. It’s a choice to not be in a relationship, just like it is a choice to be one. But you make a good point about friendship being more important than romantic relationships, and if it does lead to romance afterwards then it’s also good. And that seems to be more of a balanced and healthy response — because the view point is decided to be balanced in favor of not having a need to be in a romantic relationship unless it evolves into one.

I would be more interested in being a happy person with myself, and then open to relationships if that is what I decided to do. I look at others in relationships, and it seems like quite a lot of work at times and can be very confusing too. I enjoy my own company and I am learning to be more independent. If a relationship happens for me later on, great but I am not actively searching for one because I have to work on myself first.

 

[Markness]

Both my sibling and cousin of similar age are in a relationship, my older cousins are married with 3 children each. My younger cousins, I don’t really know what they do because I haven’t seen them in years. My other cousin had to have a fast marriage after having her child, and my sibling has Been in a relationship with her boyfriend For about 2 years. Compared to them, you could argue that I am not successful.

I really do know that it is difficult but Don’t compare yourself to others. We all have our Different pathways in life. The more you compare and think you need to achieve things by a certain age, you’re more likely to become sad when it is not happening.

A lot of the sadness comes from how my siblings got married to their spouses and whenever they had a child born, the rest of the family would celebrate. I wanted to get married and see my first son or daughter born when I was able to support a family but despite my attempts in “putting myself out there”, I just returned to my room alone. I am sometimes asked by people if I am married and or have children and I dread having to answer “No” each time. What should I say instead?

 

[tree]

A lot of the sadness comes from how my siblings got married to their spouses and whenever they had a child born, the rest of the family would celebrate. I wanted to get married and see my first son or daughter born when I was able to support a family but despite my attempts in “putting myself out there”, I just returned to my room alone. I am sometimes asked by people if I am married and or have children and I dread having to answer “No” each time. What should I say instead?

Instead of saying just "No"
you could try saying, "Not yet."

 

[Magna]

I hope this thread doesn't devolve into being focused on any one person (other than the OP). It's taking a turn.