Dealing with dissapointment.

[LuxLuca]

I have a friend of mine that changes her mind a lot. She often asks me if I'd want to game with her (she streams on twitch occasionally) and gets rather upset when she's told no. lucky for her, I usually have time and like to play so I agree more than not. Today she asked me to play with her, I agreed and told her that I'd be happy to. She stops replying and starts up her stream, perfectly normal even though I'd prefer her to confirm with me.

I hear nothing, see that she's streaming and say hi. She ignores me. I know for a fact she's ignoring me because she's reacting to the messages around my message and there is a whopping total of 3 people in the chat, including me. She asks if people want to join in with her game (you can create teams in this specific game) skipping me completely as if I'd done something and just leaves me hanging.

I don't know what to do with this feeling, I think it's mostly dissapointment. It throws me off completely everytime it happens and is so annoying. I don't understand her actions and I'm just left not enjoying the game anymore for the evening. To make matters worse, she's rather self centered and probably won't understand my reaction if I were to speak up instead of just leaving (I just promptly left the stream, felt that I was getting upset). She's what I would label a pretty close friend, we've been close for nearly a decade now. I know she values me a lot but it just doesn't make sense to me why she'd drop me like this, she does this more often.

This whole situation turns into this muddy selfloathing situation where I'm not even sure what I did wrong or what I want.

 

[paloftoon]

Sounds like she lost interest in you and enjoyed spending time with others more. You can ask her to do something you like. Also, you should tell her "no" next time she asks you to do something and tell her why. Tell her her lack of communication with you makes you uncomfortable and that you would like her to do something with you that you like. This will help either rebuild the friendship or create necessary friction to move on.

 

[Luca]

I don’t have any great advice, but I find myself in the same exact situation with irl friendships a lot. It feels like they get bored with me and move on to someone “better.” I wish I knew exactly why friends lost interest in me but I think it probably has to do with my special interests

 

[LuxLuca]

I ended up saying something but she started back paddling. She made up some fake excuse how she lost the chat in the game (doesn't work that way) and that I could obviously join if I wanted to. I said that I didn't feel like it anymore, which made her upset. She just started making me feel bad because she made me feel ******.

I wish it was that she just didn't want to be friends with me. Then I could just get mad, be sad and move on or something. At moments like these I feel like she just wants me to be there on her terms and whenever she wants it.

 

[LuxLuca]

I don’t have any great advice, but I find myself in the same exact situation with irl friendships a lot. It feels like they get bored with me and move on to someone “better.” I wish I knew exactly why friends lost interest in me but I think it probably has to do with my special interests

I get this a lot too with irl friends. It's like there is an expiration date involved and it's really discouraging to try and form long lasting friendships.

 

[Thinx]

On reflection, I think NT friends lose interest because I do not reciprocate sufficiently. This is part of the core of autism as a communication difference, I believe. I listen a lot, which can be enough, if they are people who like to be listened to. But ultimately that's not satisfying enough for me, I guess, and I can't motivate myself to keep going around and listening to them.

So I start to fall away, and they resent that. But anyway it was always them that organised what we are doing. I'm just musing here, and generalising. But I would say , socially I probably don't recognise a need for me to interact more. Or respond more actively. I watch. I wait. I listen. I don't answer my phone. In the end, we drift.

 

[Callistemon]

I don’t have any great advice, but I find myself in the same exact situation with irl friendships a lot. It feels like they get bored with me and move on to someone “better.” I wish I knew exactly why friends lost interest in me but I think it probably has to do with my special interests

Just on that, your special interests are part of who you are; friendship is a two-way street. A lot of young people make the mistake of bending over backwards to be accepted by others, to the point of erasing themselves and doing things that actually go against their personal values and best interests. This is over and above being polite and considerate of others and trying to be a good friend to them, and understanding you have personal things to work on.

We all have good points and flaws. In a good friendship, the things you value about yourself are also appreciated by your friend, and vice versa. Also you have forbearance for each other's flaws. Overall the effect of a good friendship is that you bring out the best in each other, grow as people, and you feel lifted, rather than conflicted and always second guessing. It takes time and compatibility to get to that point, and you really can't be good friends with everyone.

Shared interests and values are a good start - if that's not there, keep "shopping"!

 

[Darkkin]

I just realised that all of my IRL friends...are NDs of one kind or another. They don't have a problem with pick up and put down friendships.

But my friend group is also very small. I don't people well for very long and I can be a ghoster even when I want to join in because I don't have enough spoons.

 

[paloftoon]

I ended up saying something but she started back paddling. She made up some fake excuse how she lost the chat in the game (doesn't work that way) and that I could obviously join if I wanted to. I said that I didn't feel like it anymore, which made her upset. She just started making me feel bad because she made me feel ******.

I wish it was that she just didn't want to be friends with me. Then I could just get mad, be sad and move on or something. At moments like these I feel like she just wants me to be there on her terms and whenever she wants it.

Honesty and reject hurt for a lot of people. You tried your best LuxLuca. You will have to move on. Look for other people you can mesh well with. We don't like to change, but sometimes we don't really have a choice. It's better than being with someone that is going to become miserable with us.