Daughter with an (?ex) aspie boyfriend

[Melanie147]

Hello everyone, really hoping that some wise people out there can shed some light and give me an aspie point of view
I am the mum of a very beautiful, talented and caring 25 yr old daughter , she really is amazing , very funny too. In April time of this year she rang me ( she lives sone 200 miles away) and said the words ' I've met a boy, he's amazing and I really really like him' . She's what you'd probably say is an NT .
The boy she met is the same age , and successful in his job , every few months he needs to travel away for his job. He initially approached her and asked to see her. It all seemed to be going really well with her reporting the odd unusual behaviours in her boyfriend, one of them was I wasn't allowed to call him her boyfriend, she seemed uncertain of her status with him but I just went with it , she said it would freak him out too much if she referred to him as her boyfriend. I initially got the impression that she didn't seem to see a lot of him but I thought it was just a bit of a slow burn. She described him as a genuinely lovely person, totally trusted him , very honest ( to the point of being blunt, which she liked) . He said he'd never been in a relationship before so wasn't sure what he was doing . Said to her ' it might look like I don't care but I do'
Then... He went on a trip abroad for 2weeks with his job. Just before he went away he said he would call and see her, but he just didn't turn up, my daughter was livid, thought he was rude .
He returned from his trip and was back for 3 days before my daughter even knew he had returned, she found out from a mutual friend. She sent him a text to which he replied ' I'll get back to you next week' . Her friend bumped into him a few days later and berated him for not keeping in touch with her. He aid that he'd never met anyone like her, she was the funniest person he'd ever met and he could be totally himself when he was with her. This totally threw my daughter and as you can imagine confused her, if he felt like that why was he ignoring her ? .a few torturous days later he contacted my daughter and asked to see her .she spoke with him on the phone, he said that he didn't think he wanted a relationship with anyone, but if he was going to have a girlfriend then it would definitely be her. My daughter was devastated. A few days later he texted her and said it had all come out on the phone and could he see her. She met him, he then said ( initially) that he stood by what he said on the phone...confused again. After some discussion he came round and they agreed to see each other again. He told her that he could only see her a few days a week , no more as he was too busy, that suited her too although she would have liked more.
Roll on another month , a few contacts a week. What is now driving my daughter mad is his non committal texts ' hopefully see you soon, catch up later ' . She learns more about him, he dislikes the light in her room ' too bright', freaks out at the thought of borrowing a book from her, he has an amazing memory, his friends hint to her that he is non committal with his friendships too, she begins to feel he compartmentalises her, is not introduced into parts of his life that are important to him. He tells her that she is the perfect girl for him, he can be totally himself with her, she feels that they really love each other but doesn't tell him fearful that he'll freak out, an expression she uses a lot.
Shortly after her birthday in July ( which she has to work hard for him to attend her party ) she says that things have moved forward, he now refers to her as his girlfriend , result thinks my daughter. Then he goes away for about 6 days, no contact from him, a common theme when he goes on trips, again he returns without her knowing , so she texts him an angry text, telling him to get a grip. They fall out, my daughter regrets losing her temper as she says he's such a good person and knows the way he behaves comes form a good place always. They break up, again. This time he doesn't text , she sees him at a party a few weeks later. He tells her that he is not well, he respects her too much to mess her around , that he totally adores her and again if he were to be in arelationship it would be with her. My daughter again is devastated, confused , and still really in love with this man.
Roll on again a few more months my daughter has had a very difficult time and is just beginning to get herself together. There has been minimal contact, a few texts initiated by her but he replied straight away . Then again no contact for a few weeks, he then texts her and asks to see her, against her better judgement she meet up with him. He is very happy to see her, introduces her to his friends( not happened before) asks her to do and go to various places with him . He is going away for a week the next day. A week later , he returns and again no contact. Daughter e mails him after 4 days asking how his week went, 4 days later still no reply. My daughter is now at the end of her tether. I work with children with autism so recognise the signs, and I have no doubt that this is his issue and in fact again has been hinted to her by his friends.
How do I help my daughter?
Do you agree that he is an aspie?
What does he really want?
Does he love her or is he just messing with her, my daughter feels that he really does love her but feels that she Cannot cope any more with his behaviour.
It's so frustrating, should she hang in there or just give up now.
I just don't know which way she should go , it's so difficult being the observer . He is the love of her life .
Sorry for the long post

 

[On the Inside]

Welcome to the forum.

Just a guess from an under informed position, but one red flag that shows he might not be an Aspie is that he said she is the love of his life and totally adores her. Seems a bit too deeply communicative to me. He sounds like a busy, career driven young man who is not ready to commit. Not saying he's a player, but he seems to be protecting something, his time, his prospects, his future?

He could be ADHD though, I was initially diagnosed with that some years ago and spent some time on an ADD forum where there were a lot of guys being described this way by confused and frustrated women.

Hope you get some answers for this, I feel bad for your daughter.

 

[wyverary]

My daughter is now at the end of her tether. I work with children with autism so recognise the signs, and I have no doubt that this is his issue and in fact again has been hinted to her by his friends.
How do I help my daughter?
Do you agree that he is an aspie?
What does he really want?
Does he love her or is he just messing with her, my daughter feels that he really does love her but feels that she Cannot cope any more with his behaviour.
It's so frustrating, should she hang in there or just give up now.
I just don't know which way she should go , it's so difficult being the observer . He is the love of her life .
Sorry for the long post

In response to your long post, I can give a brief reply, which I hope is not overly presumptuous.

This sounds really stressful on your daughter. Whether or not he is an Aspie, if she finds herself having such a difficult time with him, then it is probably best if she breaks it off. Regardless of whatever neurological condition he may have, if it is as stressful on her as it sounds, then, in my opinion, it's not worth continuing. Yes, Aspies can be a little weird this way, appear noncommittal in their relationships. Whatever the reasons may be, though, if your daughter feels she cannot handle this, then it may be best for both parties if it ended; it would save a lot of heartache and future pain and confusion on both of them. I don't know how much influence you have over your daughter, but if she is willing to take this advice, I think it would be in her best interest.

wyv

 

[Ste11aeres]

Welcome to the forum.

Just a guess from an under informed position, but one red flag that shows he might not be an Aspie is that he said she is the love of his life and totally adores her. Seems a bit too deeply communicative to me.

I disagree. Aspies are capable of making such a statement (although many of us are less likely to) IMHO, while I still don't know enough about him to have a really good sense of whether or not he is an Aspie, there is nothing you (you is the original poster) said that rules out the possibility that he might be.
Many Aspies simply need less time with others-even with their loved ones-than do most NTs. If he really is an Aspie, he might genuinely not understand what his absences feel like to your daughter. He might genuinely not realize how much more time she needs with him than he needs with her. And even if he's been told, it might not have sunk in.

I'm not going to say whether she should break it off or stay with him. But she should realize the amount of time he needs with her will always be less than she wants with him. It might be that she can put aside her need for so much contact, and be happy with less contact. Or it might be that she will never be happy like that.

It isn't a question of whether he loves your daughter or whether he doesn't love her. It is simply a question of him needing less time with those he loves.

 

[Cecile]

I disagree. Aspies are capable of making such a statement (although many of us are less likely to) IMHO, (...) If he really is an Aspie, he might genuinely not understand what his absences feel like to your daughter. He might genuinely not realize how much more time she needs with him than he needs with her. And even if he's been told, it might not have sunk in. (...)
It isn't a question of whether he loves your daughter or whether he doesn't love her. It is simply a question of him needing less time with those he loves.

Agreed x 10. It even seems to me like the "love of my life" has an Aspie logic to it. The man has never really been in a relationship before. And he said himself that your daughter pretty much is the only girl he has ever met who "fits him". I wouldn't be suprised if at the same time he thought "she is such a good fit, she probably is the woman of my life" AND "but (maybe) I don't/can't really meet the expectations of a relationship". This is, once again, just my perspective as an NT who dated an Aspie. And from this perspective, I would add that since he doesn't have much relationship experience, besides the amount of time spent together, there is the question of "staying in touch" in between. He probably has a hard time figuring that out on his own, and your daughter would have to explicitely address this, to see if her needs can be met.

 

[pushpin]

I've wanted to respond to this thread but have been sort of holding back on it. I'll respond now with my thoughts.

It sounds like she needs him to be someone that he many never be able to be. She has needs that he probably can't fulfill or are in direct conflict with his own needs.

While reading your post, at times I thought something my brothers would tell me if I was in your daughter's situation, that he's just not that into her. Then, at other times, I thought, he cares for her but just can't be what she needs because she needs much more social contact than he does. I guess this is where that saying of "Sometimes, love is not enough" comes in?

I think regardless of neurological make-up, a relationship of any kind requires a sort of balance, and it seems as though your daughter's relationship with this guy lacks this.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I would add that since he doesn't have much relationship experience, besides the amount of time spent together, there is the question of "staying in touch" in between. He probably has a hard time figuring that out on his own, and your daughter would have to explicitly address this, to see if her needs can be met.

Yes. (Addressed to the original poster) Has your daughter been explicit about her desire for him to stay in touch even when he's away? Has she explicitly told him that she wants to see him as soon as he gets back?

It took a long long time for me to convince my male Aspie best friend that he had to email me frequently, and I had to be very explicit about it.

 

[Nadador]

First, Melanie, welcome to AC. It speaks volumes about your love for your daughter that you have come here looking for input. Cheers for that. You're a good mum.

Reading this saga made me shake my head...I'm 58 now, but thanks to your post, I understand for the first time what the girlfriends of my youth must have gone through while dating me. That said, I'm not confirming he's an Aspie. Like Sta11aeres, I can't, based on what you've written, nor can I rule it out. But since he has exhibited nearly all of the same behaviours I once did, I feel confident to answer your questions as follows:

"How do I help my daughter?"

Help her let this boy go. Romantic inexperience, frequent travel, infrequent contact, vacillating interest, unpredictability, perplexing behaviour, confusing messages, indicators that he is non-committal even in friendships, hints from those who know him better that something is amiss...and in all of this, consistency. It doesn't matter if he's an Aspie or not. It doesn't matter if he loves her or not [and I suspect this is wishful thinking on her part]. This pattern has dragged on over a period of months, and surely during this time, your girl has asked him to be more communicative. It hasn't happened. I would say the small steps he's made each time they reunite are encouraging, but they honestly aren't because each try ends on the same note. He clearly isn't prepared, for whatever reason, to conform to the most basic structure of a relationship. This pattern will continue. More surely so if he is an Aspie.

"What does he really want?"

Depends on the day. This was my way at his age, completely. When he's got something on to distract him, she's likely not on his mind at all. This possibility needs to be impressed upon her. She needs to think about what that means in terms of the place she wants to take in someone's life.

"Does he love her or is he just messing with her?"

My guess is neither. One thing you didn't report is him having ever said he loves her. I'll bet he hasn't. "I can be myself with you," "You're perfect for me," and "If I were to have a relationship, it would be with you" used to come out of my mouth as well, but never once did I mean love by those. At times, I daresay they were awkward consolations, because love wasn't present. I meant well, because I liked the girls, but that's all I could give them. I'm sure it was confusing as hell.

I could be wrong about all of this, of course, but the similarities between what you've said about this lad and the way I used to be are shocking. I was a funny, sweet, honest, wonderful young man, too, but I also had no business being given a heart. Those conditions aren't mutually exclusive. One can be a good person and a lousy partner.

 

[Ylva]

Well… It could just have SPD (as his comments on light being too bright indicate) and not needing much social contact, as the others say. He could be leading her on and (as my more paranoid self imagines) getting a kick out of having her wait for his calls for weeks at a time. The only way to find out, given that he is aspie, is to ask him directly.

But if those things are exactly what you used to say, Nadador… it does increase the likelihood that he's not that into her, and maybe not into women at all for whatever reason. Things like "if I'd be with someone, it'd be you," are things I could say to this friend I have, too. (He's bi; I am, in all likelihood, a.) And I mean it every time: if. So yes, Melanie, I'd guess it is probably about Exact Words in your daughter's boyfriend's case. Can't give much advice, however, it does sound like she will have to look for her ideal boyfriend elswhere, and it's better to start now than later. She could start by reframing him as "just a friend" (marvellous label, as labels go) in her mind.

 

[Melanie147]

I've wanted to respond to this thread but have been sort of holding back on it. I'll respond now with my thoughts.

It sounds like she needs him to be someone that he many never be able to be. She has needs that he probably can't fulfill or are in direct conflict with his own needs.

While reading your post, at times I thought something my brothers would tell me if I was in your daughter's situation, that he's just not that into her. Then, at other times, I thought, he cares for her but just can't be what she needs because she needs much more social contact than he does. I guess this is where that saying of "Sometimes, love is not enough" comes in?

I think regardless of neurological make-up, a relationship of any kind requires a sort of balance, and it seems as though your daughter's relationship with this guy lacks this.

Many thanks for all your replies and time and thought you have given to them ,they are all helpful and it's so nice to get an objective and honest opinion

Welcome to the forum.

Just a guess from an under informed position, but one red flag that shows he might not be an Aspie is that he said she is the love of his life and totally adores her.
This is something that she feels, not sure about him, though he has told her on several occasions that he adores her
Seems a bit too deeply communicative to me. He sounds like a busy, career driven young man who is not ready to commit. Not saying he's a player, but he seems to be protecting something, his time, his prospects, his future?

Maybe you're right about this one

He could be ADHD though, I was initially diagnosed with that some years ago and spent some time on an ADD forum where there were a lot of guys being described this way by confused and frustrated women.

Interesting , he was diagnosed with add some years ago but I certainly feel that he fits more with aspergers

In response to your long post, I can give a brief reply, which I hope is not overly presumptuous.

This sounds really stressful on your daughter. Whether or not he is an Aspie, if she finds herself having such a difficult time with him, then it is probably best if she breaks it off. Regardless of whatever neurological condition he may have, if it is as stressful on her as it sounds, then, in my opinion, it's not worth continuing. Yes, Aspies can be a little weird this way, appear noncommittal in their relationships. Whatever the reasons may be, though, if your daughter feels she cannot handle this, then it may be best for both parties if it ended; it would save a lot of heartache and future pain and confusion on both of them. I don't know how much influence you have over your daughter, but if she is willing to take this advice, I think it would be in her best interest.

wyv

yes you're very right about it being very stressful for her, and as her mum it's been one of the hardest things so far. She seems to have come to a decision just in the last few days that she cannot cope with the yo yo position of this relationship. My concern is that she just doesn't seem to be able to let go and jumps back to ' he's just such a good person, I know he doesn't mean it , no one knows him like I do ' I really don't think he's a player , his relationship with my daughter has lasted over 6 months, a long time for him, he's never had a relationship that lasted longer than 2-3 weeks .

I disagree. Aspies are capable of making such a statement (although many of us are less likely to) IMHO, while I still don't know enough about him to have a really good sense of whether or not he is an Aspie, there is nothing you (you is the original poster) said that rules out the possibility that he might be.
Many Aspies simply need less time with others-even with their loved ones-than do most NTs. If he really is an Aspie, he might genuinely not understand what his absences feel like to your daughter. He might genuinely not realize how much more time she needs with him than he needs with her. And even if he's been told, it might not have sunk in.

I'm not going to say whether she should break it off or stay with him. But she should realize the amount of time he needs with her will always be less than she wants with him. It might be that she can put aside her need for so much contact, and be happy with less contact. Or it might be that she will never be happy like that.

It isn't a question of whether he loves your daughter or whether he doesn't love her. It is simply a question of him needing less time with those he loves.

I do think that this is so true. My daughter has asked him to text her more often and explained why. He did it for a short time then reverted back to minimal contact ( texting 1-2 times a week) he has said to her that he simply doesn't know what he is doing wrong but he accepts that it is upsetting for her and apologises . When she has said to him why didn't you text me and ask about my day etc he says ' why ? I can ask you when I see you' .
My daughter is really not a needy person, she is a strong and independent young woman which he has said is one of the qualities he likes about her the most , she is very sociable and has lots of friends, again , something he likes .

I've wanted to respond to this thread but have been sort of holding back on it. I'll respond now with my thoughts.

It sounds like she needs him to be someone that he many never be able to be. She has needs that he probably can't fulfill or are in direct conflict with his own needs.

While reading your post, at times I thought something my brothers would tell me if I was in your daughter's situation, that he's just not that into her. Then, at other times, I thought, he cares for her but just can't be what she needs because she needs much more social contact than he does. I guess this is where that saying of "Sometimes, love is not enough" comes in?

I think regardless of neurological make-up, a relationship of any kind requires a sort of balance, and it seems as though your daughter's relationship with this guy lacks this.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply.
There is no balance in this relationship , it has always in my opinion been on his terms . My daughter is quite an unconventional girl so it has not surprised me that she is attracted to an unconventional man . His honesty , innocence , naivety , kindness , sense of humour, comittment to his work are all the things she loves about him . But I think it's time to let go, it's just really hard for her .

First, Melanie, welcome to AC. It speaks volumes about your love for your daughter that you have come here looking for input. Cheers for that. You're a good mum.
Thankyou so much for saying this, it's good to know and hear



This reply has really given me some insight , thankyou again. Are you an aspie? If you don't mind me asking. It certainly seems that although my girl has told him he needs to be more communicative, he certainly hasn't continued with it. My daughter feels that he is way too immature and feels that he may one day grow up, I'm not too sure and have said that I can see him still single in 20 yrs time. She feels bad pointing out to him where he is going wrong and that he is upsetting her as she says she can visibly see that he is totally surprised and it seems very important to him to never upset anyone.
I've never told my daughter what to do in this relationship, just tried to be a listening ear , it has to be her decision . I've read up a lot on aspergers and relationships and mostly though not all I have read , these relationships are hard work , with common themes that have already happened to my daughter, such as feelings of confusion, frustration, feelings of not being cared about, ignored , poor communication . A lot of the aspie e men I read about also display a lot of the positive behaviours that this particular man displays .
The bottom line for me is that good person or not , my daughter doesn't need or deserve this in her life.