Dating an aspie guy

[tapian]

I have been with a very sweet aspie guy for two years. We are encountering some issues. I need feedback desperately. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[King_Oni]

Perhaps it would be a good start to mention what issues you have going.

I doubt anyone can give you advice without mentioning the exact problem.

 

[smith2267]

Yes we would be happy to help but are waiting for details

 

[tapian]

OK the biggest problems I am facing is the imbalance of need for each other or affection/intimacy. He seems to be in his own world a lot of the time- like we can be watching a movie or be in the most romantic situation and he doesn't take the initiative to show affection or even know I am in the room at times. Also I seem to be much more sexually driven and I was wondering if that is just an individual trait or if it is somehow related to AS. I feel really unattractive to him even though I know I am above average as far as looks go and am always getting attention from other males. I just want to rip my hair out most of the time because the male I want attention from doesn't offer it enough. I live with my parents and he has three cats and lives at one of his parents' houses even though his parents don't actually reside there but his dad comes and goes regularly and his brother and his gf lives in the adjascent pool house and share the same shower and bathroom with him. I have made it clear to him that I am uncomfortable at his place with everyone coming and going besides the fact that I am very allergic to cats and I haven't been to his place for over two months now. So we rarely have privacy and are lucky to have any intimacy whatsoever month to month. We basically have to get a hotel room to be alone. But he doesn't seem affected by this situation. He cant be spontaneous either no matter how much I plead with him and make him aware of how much it would mean to me if he would surprise me with plans for the rare days off we have together. If anyone has feedback on any of these matters I would appreciate it greatly. -Tapi

 

[tapian]

I should also add that I recently told him he needs to find a place and move out of that house because I can't go on like this. He said he would seriously look into it but he hasn't mentioned it in like 2 weeks. Should I expect him to follow thru or are aspies just incapable of breaking out of the norm??

 

[dwc780]

First off, have you talked to HIM about this at all?

A lot of Aspies don't realize they are SUPPOSED to take up initiative to be affectionate. We tend to be focused on what we are doing. Affection time is affection time, movie time is movie time, etc etc. Some Aspies just aren't particularly affectionate. As for the sex, that varies within the autistic spectrum community as much as it does the neurotypical one. I have an extremely high libido, there are users on here who are asexual or almost asexual. I hate to be the one to say it, but this is something you run into dating Aspies. Our needs and thoughts and desires are different from "most peoples". We sometimes have trouble realizing when another person wants or needs attention, and/or why.

Honestly, it kind of sounds like you want him to change his life and his very nature for you. I'm sorry, but if he's really an Aspie (and it sure sounds like he is)... that ain't gonna happen. It isn't that he's a dick or doesn't care about you... we're just wired differently. Like I said, what matters to us, our wants, desires are different from neurotypicals. I have to have my sister remind me, when I'm dating someone, "hey, you should do something out of the ordinary with her" or "hey, you should buy her flowers"... they are thoughts that simply do not occur to me. I think that as long as things are going well, they're going well.

 

[tapian]

wow thanks for the prompt response it's much appreciated. would you care to chat sometime?

 

[Biblio-Love]

This just makes me angry. So basically you don't like how he acts, where he lives, his pets, and how he interacts with his family. You don't like who he is and wondering how you can change him. You can't. Talk to him and tell him want you want. He most likely will try to comply but won't be able to sustain it for any length of time. People come as package deals. You can't select this trait you like and change the ones you don't like. See if the good outweighs the bad, in your mind. And then accept the whole person as is, or leave him and find someone else.

 

[Soup]

I'd like to hear more about how he does treat you as a human being. The traits you describe are quite typical of many of us. I'm an Aspie woman married to an Aspie guy. Neither of us is a romantic & we spend a lot of time being alone together (together but not interacting: sort of like 2 cats in the same room). I need attention about as much as I need Malaria & I don't want anything spontaneous to happen to me.

Did you know that this guy was an Aspie before you got too involved? Did you notice these solitary & introspective traits in him? The 2 of you wound up in a relationship somehow so somewhere along the line he must've put some kind of moves on you. In your case, you might need to be the one to take the initiative when it comes to the touchy-feely aspects of the relationship. This kind of guy is often extremely faithful & loyal, reliable & true to his word. He's seldom verbally or physically violent & what you see is what you get.

The kind of wind-swept romance you seem interested in exists more in movies, soap operas & Harlequin Romance novels. The type of guy who will shower you with attention, flowers & whatever else usually does that in the early infatuation stages of the relationship. Move in together or get married & that'll change.

Last year in Winter, I was at the florist section of the grocery store buying orchid food. There was a long conga line of men who looked like they wished they were dead all holding heart shaped boxes & bouquets of roses. It was like looking at sheep being led to the slaughter. I couldn't figure out what this abattoir scene was. Then, it occurred to me that it was Valentine's Day (actually, I saw the tacky red & gold banner suspended between to white cardboard cupids...)! These poor guys HAD to stand in that awful line buying stupid 'romantic' stuff because on that day it was expected of them.

They'll show up at home (exhausted) hand over the goods, drag themselves out for a 'romantic' dinner somewhere & then go home truly apoplectic with fatigue & sheer boredom & then have to put the moves on someone. Truly, these Casanovas are a sad lot. None of them looked even remotely interested in Valentine's day: they just looked like guys who were tired after a long day's work who wanted to go home & veg out. Many NT guys who are socially clued-in & do all the cliche romance stuff WISH they could do what the Aspie guy is doing: just be who they are.

 

[Nolan1971]

It may not be normal aspie behavior but I was always romantic and enjoyed giving my girl friend/wife lots of attention.
Role playing any fantasy she wanted to subtle things. I never really lost that early romantic phase ever.

 

[Soup]

You're a rare bird indeed, Nolan! there are many Tapians out there looking for a guy like you.

 

[Biblio-Love]

It may not be normal aspie behavior but I was always romantic and enjoyed giving my girl friend/wife lots of attention.
Role playing any fantasy she wanted to subtle things. I never really lost that early romantic phase ever.

You have a very lucky wife then!

 

[Tarragon]

Hi taipan,

Well what I picked up in is that you live with your parents, and he doesn't. Well, not "full time". Im wondering how you could fix this problem yourself by, say, renting a flat by yourself? It takes two to tango, as they say...

 

[King_Oni]

I second Biblio-love's comment.

I don't want to sound harsh, but I actually wonder how you both got into a relationship in the first place. What drives you two together?

To me, it seems like you want a relationship, but you do want just the fun things that work for you. Him showing affection in HIS way doesn't work for you. Chances are that, especially considering he's an aspie (or most likely to be), he wont even like your way of how you want him to show affection even.

I recall a similar thread about an issue like this not to long ago on this forum. Most members told her the same thing.

As much as it looks like it, I don't think we (a group of aspies) are ganging up and telling you to accept that poor aspie soul and deal with it. I do think that the ones commenting here have had their experience and as such know that affection for aspies is different to what most non-aspie people expect of them.

Another thing that's going on with a lot of aspies is that while things can be learned, they'll still feel a bit "wooden" and not natural. Imagine he's be more romantic in the way you want it too... chances are you're better of asking a robot to do the same cause it wont feel natural for him, let alone that you're forcing things upon him which might cause a similar case of unhappiness upon him.

I do think you can and should adress it to him and find some middle ground. Tell him what you want and let him express how he feels about that. I should caution you that this might very well be the most serious and final conversation you could have in your relationship.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I'd like to hear more about how he does treat you as a human being. The traits you describe are quite typical of many of us. I'm an Aspie woman married to an Aspie guy. Neither of us is a romantic & we spend a lot of time being alone together (together but not interacting: sort of like 2 cats in the same room). I need attention about as much as I need Malaria & I don't want anything spontaneous to happen to me.

Did you know that this guy was an Aspie before you got too involved? Did you notice these solitary & introspective traits in him? The 2 of you wound up in a relationship somehow so somewhere along the line he must've put some kind of moves on you. In your case, you might need to be the one to take the initiative when it comes to the touchy-feely aspects of the relationship. This kind of guy is often extremely faithful & loyal, reliable & true to his word. He's seldom verbally or physically violent & what you see is what you get.

The kind of wind-swept romance you seem interested in exists more in movies, soap operas & Harlequin Romance novels. The type of guy who will shower you with attention, flowers & whatever else usually does that in the early infatuation stages of the relationship. Move in together or get married & that'll change.

Last year in Winter, I was at the florist section of the grocery store buying orchid food. There was a long conga line of men who looked like they wished they were dead all holding heart shaped boxes & bouquets of roses. It was like looking at sheep being led to the slaughter. I couldn't figure out what this abattoir scene was. Then, it occurred to me that it was Valentine's Day (actually, I saw the tacky red & gold banner suspended between to white cardboard cupids...)! These poor guys HAD to stand in that awful line buying stupid 'romantic' stuff because on that day it was expected of them.

They'll show up at home (exhausted) hand over the goods, drag themselves out for a 'romantic' dinner somewhere & then go home truly apoplectic with fatigue & sheer boredom & then have to put the moves on someone. Truly, these Casanovas are a sad lot. None of them looked even remotely interested in Valentine's day: they just looked like guys who were tired after a long day's work who wanted to go home & veg out. Many NT guys who are socially clued-in & do all the cliche romance stuff WISH they could do what the Aspie guy is doing: just be who they are.

lol I love the way you describe valentine's day soup. The first year me and my hubby were together I asked him to do the whole valentines thing because I had never ever in my life had someone do that for me. Since then our valentines day is more "oh I guess I should make you your fave dinner tonight then huh?" and that's about it. Sometimes I buy him this tacky chocolate that is shaped like a rose on a rose stem they sell for $2 here but that's about it. We get a giggle out of it.

King Oni ... he makes a good point. How did you get together? There's this book I have at home I read on occasion which I find very helpful for any relationship called the five languages of love. Its by a preacher who has done a lot of marriage counselling and stuff. I was recommended it because I was having difficulty with my mum and the person who recommended it to me said it will explain a lot about relationships.

It basically explains that everyone has their way of showing how the feel in a relationship. And a lot of times they are different to how we perceive them. So for example if you are gift giver, the way you show your affection is by giving a gift, then you would expect that in return. However if your partner is a service giver, shows affection by doing a service for you like house work, then you two will be at odds because you both expect different ways of showing affection from your partner. The basics of this book is to identify how your partner shows affection then show them you care by doing things for them in a way they understand and visa versa. The reason why this works for more than romantic relationships is because its about finding the way that relationships work by identifying each others give and take.

It sounds to me like you have just come here and blurted out your issues hoping a bunch of aspies will have a magic answer for you to get your prince on a white stallion. Relationships are hard work and it sounds like your in a rut. The first thing you need to do is talk to him. Aspies are very oblivious people. I often say I need a brick to the face to get human social interaction ... followed by ten more. He's probably doing what comes naturally and doesn't realize what he's doing. But you need to discuss with him how you can meet in the middle and have a better relationship.

I find identifying that your in a rut is half the battle. The next step is always to crawl out of it and its not always easy to get out of rut.

The other thing is I think from the limited information you have given us that you and him need to sit down and have a discussion about what you want out of this relationship and what you want for the future. I think you have hit the point where it either goes from something casual and fun to the serious relationship. This guy sounds like my ex tbh and when that happened my ex became my ex. Not saying that will happen here but I think deep down you already know the answer to that question.

 

[Bay]

I went ahead and bought my partner new tires for Valentine's Day. Not romantic, you say? Hers were nearly bald, and I thought that having her safe and in one piece was the most loving thing I could think of. I cannot bear to think of anything happening to her.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I went ahead and bought my partner new tires for Valentine's Day. Not romantic, you say? Hers were nearly bald, and I thought that having her safe and in one piece was the most loving thing I could think of. I cannot bear to think of anything happening to her.

My husband buys me all sorts of non-romantic gifts too! One year it was snow tires, another it was a hard drive for my computer, another was a microwave. I always get a good laugh out of it.

 

[tapian]

Hi thanks for the response. I am sorry I came off the wrong way I know changing him isn't possible as it will only be temporary however I would like to make an attempt at understanding him before just tossing someone aside whom I love so much. The way he acts is hurtful and I want to understand why he acts the way he does and if he will ever feel the importance to make an attempt to be receptive to my needs. I know that's not impossible for him he just chooses not to and I wish I understood why.

 

[tapian]

I am a little confused as to why my post made you angry though. Why is it so immoral of me to be frustrated? And why do you make leaving someone sound like such an easy option? I would say that doing everything in one's power to try to make a relationship work before tossing it aside so flippantly is the moral option and I don't understand why my post upsets people. But thanks for the feedback just the same.

 

[tapian]

Hi there

I have special circumstances that prohibit me from doing so, which I should have included in my original post, because I would have suggested the same thing had I been a reader.