Dad Jokes

[Cryptid]

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

 

[Cryptid]

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

 

[NDR2]

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. It turns out it was the refrigerator.

 

[GrownupGirl]

What should you do if you see a blue monster?
Cheer him up!

What should you do if you see a green monster?
Let it ripen!

 

[NDR2]

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

 

[Metalhead]

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

 

[NDR2]

Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain?

Spoiler

It didn’t have the guts.

 

[GrownupGirl]

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Halloween party?

Because he had no body to go out with.

 

[GrownupGirl]

What does a skeleton take when it has a cold?

Coffin drops!

 

[GrownupGirl]

When I was a kid I was afraid of skeletons, but when I got older I realized there's a skeleton in all of us.

 

[NDR2]

How does dry skin affect you at work?

Spoiler

You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.

 

[Metalhead]

I once went to the bookstore to find a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat. The clerk said it rang a bell, but she was not sure if it was there or not.

 

[NDR2]

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

 

[GrownupGirl]

If ducks say "quack quack" when they walk, do they say "quick quick" when they run?

 

[NDR2]

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

 

[Jumpinbare]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies "No! This is a bar! There's no grapes, get out of here!"
An hour later the duck comes back and asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies "I told you there's no grapes, get out of here!"
An hour later, the duck returns again and asks "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "If you ask me that again, I will nail your beak to the floor! Get out of here!"
Another hour passes, and the duck returns again and asks "Got any nails?" The bartender screams "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? THIS IS A BAR! OF COURSE I DON'T HAVE NAILS!" The duck replies "Got any grapes?"

 

[NDR2]

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

[Jumpinbare]

What did the cheddar say when he tried on a blazer?

Spoiler

“I look sharp!”

 

[NDR2]

How do lawyers say goodbye?

Spoiler

We’ll be suing ya!

 

[GrownupGirl]

What toy does a burglar have with him while taking a bath?

A robber ducky!