Could this be why I was rejected as a teenager?

[boringclod]

I also look back and have regrets.
And my regrets are also based on what I didn't and couldn't know.
And, my regrets are kinda my attempt to imagine how much 'better off' I would have been, or how much 'happier' I'd be now "if only . . . "In my mind (literally), it's all fantasy and a self-punishing one at that.
But, a part of me likes being the vicitim of my own 'stupidity' - it makes feel smart to know how dumb I was.
Thanks for bringing this up, you provoked me into thinking about this stuff and it's shed a bit of light into my murky mind.
: - )

 

[Judge]

Looking back at both my childhood and teenage years, it was easy to see one prominent common denominator between both phases- social conformity.

And the older I got, the less I conformed to the social majority. Hence going from what I once thought was a normal childhood to being different and unliked- an outcast. Sadly back then I had no idea I was autistic. Only that I was "different". Something my parents recognized as well, but had no name for it. Though as time went on, my traits and behaviors became more prominent, with less and less friends or acquaintances.

As for looking back, it's what many of us do- ruminate over what we likely could not- and cannot change.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

Well it's that important to them otherwise they wouldn't do it. So it must feel good in some way.

Yeah but you have to think... What's the cost of that fleeting feeling if acceptance?
The loss of your true self, and deep down you'll know that they only like the you that you're putting in for them and not the real you. Like I said in my previous post, it's not a good way to live in the long run and it's better to find people who like you for you not for a fake you that you put on for their sake.

 

[boringclod]

And BTW: One thing has changed in my mind/heart since then:
I have developed care for others.
So, now, instead of just wishing that 'I' would fit in, I am caring about other's pains and sorrows and joys and pleaseures, which has reduced my own need to feel like I fit in.
That looking back I do is all about me wishing I'd been better at using others to fill me up.
These days (bit by bit) I'm learning that others need filling up.

Again: thanks for getting me to think about this - very informative for me.
: - )

 

[Misty Avich]

I have a good memory of my past. Oftentimes it's a gift I feel I have, as I have used it to write nine 400-page books about nine different selected years of my life (each book is a year).
But it can be a curse sometimes, because I can remember all the bad bits as well as the good bits. My books are mostly about the bad bits, because they are supposed to be drama-based. But if you read any of my books you'll find that I (the protagonist, in first person) am not a typical Aspie. I don't mention that, as that's down to the reader to decide. Being non-fiction and all from my perspective of the world and my experiences, there are very little to no hints that it was written by an Aspie. A lot of readers would probably see the ADHD though.

 

[Chailatte_]

For an Aspie female who isn't even sure she is Aspie and doesn't display many obvious symptoms and could read body language and all that, I hardly had any friends at high school. At ages 13-14 I had no friends at all, apart from a few one-off interactions with classmates. So I had to go at it alone.

But I think that a lot of it was my fault, because I didn't make much of an effort to be interested in the things other girls were interested in, and I think that if I did then I might have had a few friends I could actually call friends.
I liked musical instruments but when I hung out with other girls who liked musical instruments I found they were much more intelligent than me and I didn't really fit in with them.
The sort of girls I wanted to hang about with were the average or below average underachievers who didn't really like any specific subject, but obviously they liked fashion and make-up - something I wasn't interested in. But I should have made more of an effort to be into that kind of thing. I was into stupid things like lions. What teenage girl is into lions? I loved the Lion King and always drew lions. Otherwise I didn't really have any interests.

If only I could go back and be interested in fashion and make-up. All I did was wear plain boys clothes, looked lost in clothes stores, and didn't put any make-up on or shave my legs. No wonder nobody liked me.

Being an adult is so much easier, because you can fit in no matter what interests you have. As a teenager I used to listen to 70s music even though it was the 2000s, and all my peers listened to 2000s pop music. Now everyone I know has their own tastes in music, even my same age peers listen to 70s music.

But when I was a teenager I was like a stubborn old woman who wouldn't listen to my mother who was just giving me useful tips on how to fit in and make friends. Instead I told her to stop criticising me.
If only I listened. I really hate my stupid 14-year-old self. I was such a dork.

From how you talk about your passions and yourself, it's evident that someone in your life made you feel like everything you liked or were interested in was stupid or wrong. If I'm mistaken or misunderstood your words, I apologize. Starting from here, I ask you: what is stupid? By what standard or measure do we define something as stupid? If someone says what we do is stupid, does it automatically become so? Not exactly; in fact, the impact of a comment is proportionate to the importance we attribute to the person making it.

Practical and concrete example:
Person X is a massive fan of a band and also loves the color yellow, which is her favorite. One day, Person X gets tickets to see her favorite band in concert. During the concert, her favorite band member explicitly shouts to the audience that he hates yellow with all his being. How will Person X feel? We know she loves yellow, but she's also a massive fan of the band. She might start to hate or even feel ashamed of loving yellow because her idol expressed hatred for it. Alternatively, she might prioritize her love for yellow (stop going to concerts/change the band), or she could simply accept that everyone has their opinions and tastes.

Now, the example is simplistic and concise, but I believe it conveys the idea of how we tend to react in certain circumstances. Don't hate your teenage self or your current self. Accept being a human composed of different layers of knowledge that accumulate as the years go by. During adolescence, knowledge (layers) is limited, and it's a period of both negative and positive experiences. It's a delicate time when you're no longer a child but not yet an adult, with great expectations and pressure. I doubt there's anyone out there (outside the forum as well) who can say they had a 100% magnificent adolescence.

P.S. If I think about my teenage self, I can sum it up briefly: "NO, don't do it," or "Yes, that was sarcasm."

Finally: Don't judge yourself with present eyes when looking at the past because, in a way, it's like cheating yourself. What you are today is thanks to your past, but if you look back and feel ashamed, remember that back then, you didn't have the same knowledge and judgment scale you use today. The scales and weights change as we grow, adjusting according to the life period we are experiencing. Relying on units that don't personally belong to us or don't correspond to the exact moment will often lead to disastrous results for our self-esteem.

 

[Neri]

I have a good memory of my past. Oftentimes it's a gift I feel I have, as I have used it to write nine 400-page books about nine different selected years of my life (each book is a year).
But it can be a curse sometimes, because I can remember all the bad bits as well as the good bits. My books are mostly about the bad bits, because they are supposed to be drama-based. But if you read any of my books you'll find that I (the protagonist, in first person) am not a typical Aspie. I don't mention that, as that's down to the reader to decide. Being non-fiction and all from my perspective of the world and my experiences, there are very little to no hints that it was written by an Aspie. A lot of readers would probably see the ADHD though.

I'm not sure what a "typical Aspie" is? I thought it was "If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie".
I've got the ADHD as well and yes, it does make us different to those with just the ASD. My youngest son says I'm the most ADHDy person he knows, bar his best friend, who would, literally, go off following a squirrel or a butterfly in mid conversation.

I'm not ashamed of my autism though, God knows I'm dealing with enough shame from having cptsd and being diagnosed with bpd as well.
I had a lot of childhood with zero friends, as per usual for us mob, but, I liked being interested in interesting things, reading books and learning, drawing and exploring, thinking, with my complex 2e brain.

Sure it was painful and lonely, not having friends, but, I'm a deeper, more compassionate, kinder and more interesting person because of it. I learnt to occupy myself and eventually, to enjoy my own company, but that take times and loads of commitment to self development.

If you are ashamed of being an Aspie, does that mean that we all should? Or that you look down at us in some way?
I'm struggling a little, to understand why you resist being called autistic on a forum full of autistic people? I'm having issue with my adult daughter having a negative charge around me telling her that I'm autistic, and it kind of hurts, to be honest.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm not sure what a "typical Aspie" is? I thought it was "If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie".
I've got the ADHD as well and yes, it does make us different to those with just the ASD. My youngest son says I'm the most ADHDy person he knows, bar his best friend, who would, literally, go off following a squirrel or a butterfly in mid conversation.

If you are ashamed of being an Aspie, does that mean that we all should? Or that you look down at us in some way?

NO. I really wish autistic people would stop assuming this. Just because I don't want an ASD or am embarrassed about having an ASD doesn't mean I think the same about everyone else with ASD. It's how I feel. I mean, if you knew someone who was fat and they said they hated being fat (even though they can lose it) does that mean they hate all fat people? No.

It seems I can't express how I feel about ASD without others taking it personally and thinking I feel negatively towards them. It then makes me look bad and that is not my intention. So just because you see a post saying ''autism sucks'' it is not a way of saying ''everyone with autism sucks''. Please understand where I'm coming from. If I was really bigoted against autistic people then I wouldn't be on an autism forum.

 

[Misty Avich]

From how you talk about your passions and yourself, it's evident that someone in your life made you feel like everything you liked or were interested in was stupid or wrong. If I'm mistaken or misunderstood your words, I apologize. Starting from here, I ask you: what is stupid? By what standard or measure do we define something as stupid? If someone says what we do is stupid, does it automatically become so? Not exactly; in fact, the impact of a comment is proportionate to the importance we attribute to the person making it.

Practical and concrete example:
Person X is a massive fan of a band and also loves the color yellow, which is her favorite. One day, Person X gets tickets to see her favorite band in concert. During the concert, her favorite band member explicitly shouts to the audience that he hates yellow with all his being. How will Person X feel? We know she loves yellow, but she's also a massive fan of the band. She might start to hate or even feel ashamed of loving yellow because her idol expressed hatred for it. Alternatively, she might prioritize her love for yellow (stop going to concerts/change the band), or she could simply accept that everyone has their opinions and tastes.

Now, the example is simplistic and concise, but I believe it conveys the idea of how we tend to react in certain circumstances. Don't hate your teenage self or your current self. Accept being a human composed of different layers of knowledge that accumulate as the years go by. During adolescence, knowledge (layers) is limited, and it's a period of both negative and positive experiences. It's a delicate time when you're no longer a child but not yet an adult, with great expectations and pressure. I doubt there's anyone out there (outside the forum as well) who can say they had a 100% magnificent adolescence.

P.S. If I think about my teenage self, I can sum it up briefly: "NO, don't do it," or "Yes, that was sarcasm."

Finally: Don't judge yourself with present eyes when looking at the past because, in a way, it's like cheating yourself. What you are today is thanks to your past, but if you look back and feel ashamed, remember that back then, you didn't have the same knowledge and judgment scale you use today. The scales and weights change as we grow, adjusting according to the life period we are experiencing. Relying on units that don't personally belong to us or don't correspond to the exact moment will often lead to disastrous results for our self-esteem.

It's difficult to accept myself as I am when I have low self-esteem. This goes for a lot of NTs with low self-esteem too.

Also, when I say I don't fit the autism mould, I mean whenever I look up things about autism from any given source, I feel I can't really relate to it. I know everyone with autism are different from one another but there's still got to be some similarities between us otherwise there wouldn't be anything to go by.

Whenever I read about NTs with social anxiety disorder or introvertness a lot of the things are similar to autism, but then when I read about the difference between autism and NT social anxiety it just says that autism is about not being able to understand social cues. But I can understand social cues just fine, even when I was a kid I could tell when other kids didn't want me by their body language but I ignored the cues because I wanted to play/hang out with them and not be on my own. So I feel like I fit the social anxiety mould more than the autism social ineptitude mould.

It's like I can relate to autistic people here, but I can also relate to NT people too. The only thing I can't relate to is getting drunk and smoking weed, but plenty of autistic people do that too so it's not anything to do with whether you're autistic or not. To me getting drunk and smoking weed is stupid, but that doesn't mean I think all people who drink and smoke weed are stupid.

 

[Neri]

NO. I really wish autistic people would stop assuming this. Just because I don't want an ASD or am embarrassed about having an ASD doesn't mean I think the same about everyone else with ASD. It's how I feel. I mean, if you knew someone who was fat and they said they hated being fat (even though they can lose it) does that mean they hate all fat people? No.

It seems I can't express how I feel about ASD without others taking it personally and thinking I feel negatively towards them. It then makes me look bad and that is not my intention. So just because you see a post saying ''autism sucks'' it is not a way of saying ''everyone with autism sucks''. Please understand where I'm coming from. If I was really bigoted against autistic people then I wouldn't be on an autism forum.

Ok. Thanks for clarifying that. I am sorry if what I said caused you pain. It does seem like you are hurting and I do not intend to add to that.

I have said similar things about my weight in front of a more overweight person, before, and then realised how that could have been perceived and thought "I didn't just say that did I?" feeling socially insensitive.

There are certainly plenty of things about being autistic that do suck. It's called a disorder for a reason. Plenty if it isn't fun and plenty of that is how hard it is to feel connected to other's, which is a basic human need.

I'm grateful for this place, because we all get that here. I reckon.

I have to hide in my house a lot of the time, which I'm lucky I can do, because of it. I have ASD2 but have white knuckled through a lot of life, raising a family and working as a musical artist, until I crash and burn, over and over again. Not fun. Not in the slightest.

 

[Misty Avich]

Ok. Thanks for clarifying that. I am sorry if what I said caused you pain. It does seem like you are hurting and I do not intend to add to that.

That's OK, I hate thinking I have hurt people, that's all. I tend to beat myself up when I do.

I have said similar things about my weight in front of a more overweight person, before, and then realised how that could have been perceived and thought "I didn't just say that did I?" feeling socially insensitive.

Well hopefully they knew what you meant and didn't take it personally, although I'd worry about it too. People's feelings are precious to me.

There are certainly plenty of things about being autistic that do suck. It's called a disorder for a reason. Plenty if it isn't fun and plenty of that is how hard it is to feel connected to other's, which is a basic human need.

I'm grateful for this place, because we all get that here. I reckon.

I have to hide in my house a lot of the time, which I'm lucky I can do, because of it. I have ASD2 but have white knuckled through a lot of life, raising a family and working as a musical artist, until I crash and burn, over and over again. Not fun. Not in the slightest.

Yes, my ASD has caused more grief than good. I was never an overachiever, I struggled academically through school, I got low grades, I didn't even have that many interests. All I was interested in was my peers and socialising, so understandably having a disorder that denied my number 1 desire was and still is very frustrating. So it makes me become hatred of my brain.
When I was in my early 20s I suffered mental health issues like depression, and I used to literally whack myself angrily like I was "whacking the Asperger's out of me". I even stupidly hit my head several times yelling "be NORMAL!!!!!" And one time I had a huge meltdown that involved me screaming "I want to be NORMAL! Why can't I be NORMAL?!" It was very disheartening for my parents to witness.

 

[Chailatte_]

It's difficult to accept myself as I am when I have low self-esteem. This goes for a lot of NTs with low self-esteem too.

Also, when I say I don't fit the autism mould, I mean whenever I look up things about autism from any given source, I feel I can't really relate to it. I know everyone with autism are different from one another but there's still got to be some similarities between us otherwise there wouldn't be anything to go by.

Whenever I read about NTs with social anxiety disorder or introvertness a lot of the things are similar to autism, but then when I read about the difference between autism and NT social anxiety it just says that autism is about not being able to understand social cues. But I can understand social cues just fine, even when I was a kid I could tell when other kids didn't want me by their body language but I ignored the cues because I wanted to play/hang out with them and not be on my own. So I feel like I fit the social anxiety mould more than the autism social ineptitude mould.

It's like I can relate to autistic people here, but I can also relate to NT people too. The only thing I can't relate to is getting drunk and smoking weed, but plenty of autistic people do that too so it's not anything to do with whether you're autistic or not. To me getting drunk and smoking weed is stupid, but that doesn't mean I think all people who drink and smoke weed are stupid.

People have an incredible capacity for adaptation. In facing hostile situations, they adapt and emulate others—perhaps you've adapted and tried in every way to be like others (masking). I don't blame you, nor do I intend to say anything about whether being called autistic 'weighs' on you. I think the label associated with autism in society, ignorant and misinformed, has attached without due respect and information, weighing on you. I don't believe you hate your identity, much less do we. I think you haven't yet fully understood who you are and how to do it. It's scary, but the world isn't always black or white; sometimes it's gray, with many different shades. Don't force yourself into overly narrow 'containers' (black or white) because you're in a hurry to define your identity. Take the time you need, ask, and keep informing yourself without the pressure of a 'sense of belonging' (we all have the innate desire to belong to a group). I conclude by saying that all this I've written is a 'maybe.' Only you know how things are and what your experiences are. We here rely only on what we read, and even that is interpreted by different people with different thoughts and life experiences.

 

[Neri]

That's OK, I hate thinking I have hurt people, that's all. I tend to beat myself up when I do.

Well hopefully they knew what you meant and didn't take it personally, although I'd worry about it too. People's feelings are precious to me.

Yes, my ASD has caused more grief than good. I was never an overachiever, I struggled academically through school, I got low grades, I didn't even have that many interests. All I was interested in was my peers and socialising, so understandably having a disorder that denied my number 1 desire was and still is very frustrating. So it makes me become hatred of my brain.
When I was in my early 20s I suffered mental health issues like depression, and I used to literally whack myself angrily like I was "whacking the Asperger's out of me". I even stupidly hit my head several times yelling "be NORMAL!!!!!" And one time I had a huge meltdown that involved me screaming "I want to be NORMAL! Why can't I be NORMAL?!" It was very disheartening for my parents to witness.

That sounds so painful! To have the strong desire for acceptance and to fit in and be denied it. That does really suck.
For me I loved reading so much (before internet), I could just bury my head in a book and forget about the world.

As painful as it was, not fitting in, and thinking that I was so defective, I did all of those things you don't like, the drinking and the weed etc, to numb the pain of it, as it was just too unbearable.
Getting into artistic creation has probably been one of my most fullfilling and healthy pursuits and brought me an amount of acceptance and approval, but it is hard to keep up, I've found.

I'm still socially clunky and awkward and overly self conscious and easily overwhelmed and I still have melt downs most days, but, thankfully, they are mostly mini meltdowns now, where I cry but it's not super duper major crying fits and excruciating emotional pain and suffering.

I am disabled enough to qualify for disability support, which I'm very grateful for. I refuse to feel any more shame about my autistic disabilities though. Compassion for myself, yes, but shame for being autistic?
Those days are over.
(Well, I say that, but there's an amount of braggarting about that, bravado, because its still a work in progress).

 

[Misty Avich]

People have an incredible capacity for adaptation. In facing hostile situations, they adapt and emulate others—perhaps you've adapted and tried in every way to be like others (masking). I don't blame you, nor do I intend to say anything about whether being called autistic 'weighs' on you. I think the label associated with autism in society, ignorant and misinformed, has attached without due respect and information, weighing on you. I don't believe you hate your identity, much less do we. I think you haven't yet fully understood who you are and how to do it. It's scary, but the world isn't always black or white; sometimes it's gray, with many different shades. Don't force yourself into overly narrow 'containers' (black or white) because you're in a hurry to define your identity. Take the time you need, ask, and keep informing yourself without the pressure of a 'sense of belonging' (we all have the innate desire to belong to a group). I conclude by saying that all this I've written is a 'maybe.' Only you know how things are and what your experiences are. We here rely only on what we read, and even that is interpreted by different people with different thoughts and life experiences.

Thanks for understanding.

 

[Misty Avich]

I never smoked, got drunk or done weed, simply because I was so close to my mum that I didn't want to let her down, so I stayed out of that sort of trouble to avoid bringing her more stress. But I did treat my mum poorly in other ways, which I feel terribly bad for, being so she is no longer with us (she died from cancer a couple of years ago, and when people state that stress causes cancer it makes my heart sink as I'm the one who brought her a lot of stress). I was a very challenging child, and I felt I was a huge burden on her when I was a teenager even though I didn't go down the smoking/drugs/drinking road. I brought on other stress, mostly in my behaviour and loneliness. I even triggered two nervous breakdowns. My mum was an easy target for bullies and I think she had RSD (not on the spectrum though, she just had anxiety problems), so the stress of that plus having to deal with my challenging behaviour got too much for her. But because I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD back then, I wasn't prescribed any medication to help control my behaviour. So ADHD was the cause of most of my challenging behaviour, but the ASD was what caused the crippling loneliness. I got bullied and targeted through high school, which made me hate myself.

 

[Neri]

I never smoked, got drunk or done weed, simply because I was so close to my mum that I didn't want to let her down, so I stayed out of that sort of trouble to avoid bringing her more stress. But I did treat my mum poorly in other ways, which I feel terribly bad for, being so she is no longer with us (she died from cancer a couple of years ago, and when people state that stress causes cancer it makes my heart sink as I'm the one who brought her a lot of stress). I was a very challenging child, and I felt I was a huge burden on her when I was a teenager even though I didn't go down the smoking/drugs/drinking road. I brought on other stress, mostly in my behaviour and loneliness. I even triggered two nervous breakdowns. My mum was an easy target for bullies and I think she had RSD (not on the spectrum though, she just had anxiety problems), so the stress of that plus having to deal with my challenging behaviour got too much for her. But because I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD back then, I wasn't prescribed any medication to help control my behaviour. So ADHD was the cause of most of my challenging behaviour, but the ASD was what caused the crippling loneliness. I got bullied and targeted through high school, which made me hate myself.

I really hope you can address the self hatred and self judgement as that is so terribly painful for you.

I know that the ways other's have treated you, or rejected you isn't a reflection of your self worth, but that it can really feel like it.

It sounds like something to address with a skilled therapist that you feel you can open up to. Is that something you think you might be able to access?

You are not how other's have treated you. You are not a diagnosis. You are a complex human being with beautiful and amazing strengths and areas of difficulty, just like the rest of us, and by us, I mean human beings, not just those of us labeled with a ASD type diagnosis.

 

[Au Naturel]

We were all stupid and dorky as teens. Some of us get a double dose. (I got a triple.)

Some had parents who sincerely tried to understand. Others had parents who only knew how to give orders and complain. You don't know their life and experiences, and most teenagers are fairly narcissistic and greatly overestimate their knowledge. They are who they are; adaptation is how you survive adolescence.

Forgiveness is essential to a happy life. You cannot honestly forgive anyone else until you learn to forgive yourself.

You, who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good-bye

Teach your children well
Your father's hell did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick is the one you'll know by

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you

And you of tender years
Can't know the fears
That your elders grew by
And so please help
Them with your youth
They seek the truth
Before they can die

Teach your parents well
Their children's hell will slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick is the one you'll know by

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you.
- Crosby, Stills, and Nash - Teach your children

 

[GrownupGirl]

I didn't want to be like other teenagers when I was in my teen years because most of them were stupid, ugly and cruel. Especially the boyss. All hormones, no brains, all they cared about was sex, drugs, smoking, drinking and superficial appearance. Trying to be like one them felt about as natural as walking around on my elbows. And they harassed and bullied me to no end, screaming out that I had AIDS, spitting on me, throwing rocks at me, screaming out "Garfield's dead" everywhere I went because of my obsession with Garfield comics. The school did virtually nothing, it was my own fault I was treated this way. They sucked and humans suck worse than ever and I',d have fantasies of blowing up the school or holding the students hostage. Why in the name of Lucifer would I want to be anything like them, or anything like humans in this day and age? I'm lucky I can tolerate monkeys and apes because they're too much like humans and their negative traits are eerily similar to those of homo sapiens.

I wish I could do something really shocking like spray paint something like HUMANS ARE TRASH APES on a public building or something like that. But I know I'd get caught. At least I wouldn't be murdering people or blowing stuff up like so many other humans love doing right now.

 

[Neri]

We were all stupid and dorky as teens. Some of us get a double dose. (I got a triple.)

Some had parents who sincerely tried to understand. Others had parents who only knew how to give orders and complain. You don't know their life and experiences, and most teenagers are fairly narcissistic and greatly overestimate their knowledge. They are who they are; adaptation is how you survive adolescence.

Forgiveness is essential to a happy life. You cannot honestly forgive anyone else until you learn to forgive yourself.

You, who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good-bye

Teach your children well
Your father's hell did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick is the one you'll know by

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you

And you of tender years
Can't know the fears
That your elders grew by
And so please help
Them with your youth
They seek the truth
Before they can die

Teach your parents well
Their children's hell will slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick is the one you'll know by

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you.
- Crosby, Stills, and Nash - Teach your children

My ex, who I am still healing from, sang a cover of this song. Great song. Beautiful wisdom. Thank you for posting it. It's very healing for me to remember good, musical times with my kid's dad .

 

[Misty Avich]

I remember when I was about 14 I was in one of my hyperactive moods and for no reason I said, "where's teddy?" My mum looked at me despairingly and said, "that's what a baby would ask!" She was right, not only was it an irrelevant question but it was also a babyish question to ask.

Also when I was 14 I remember being at a fair, and I really wanted a balloon to hold, just to fiddle with really. But my mum got annoyed and criticised me for wanting a balloon so much at my age. I don't know why but I said that I wanted to pretend the balloon was a dog, and my mum said "how can you pretend a balloon is a dog?" then she shook her head and said "you know what, you worry me sometimes." I suddenly realised she was right and I suddenly felt ashamed of how babyish I was. Most 14-year-olds like to hang out at fairs and enjoy the rides and win stuff (winning a balloon is socially acceptable, demanding your mum to buy you a balloon is not so much unless you're a younger child). I just clung to my mum and she felt like she had a toddler with her, rather than a teenager. I even pictured myself as a demanding toddler, sitting in a stroller playing with a balloon, without a care in the world. I think I yearned to be like that again and didn't feel my age at all.

But I still feel so embarrassed when I look back.