Could someone help me understand this situation?

[grommet]

I cannot understand what this is, so I am asking for help to understand this feeling.

Some one keeps giving me things I do not want, then they become angry with me for not being grateful. I keep telling them not to give me these things but then I feel guilty. I do not think I am doing anything wrong but I feel bad.

So what does it mean when some one makes you take something and then insists you be grateful? Why am I upset by this?

I am missing some part of the equation. Gifts are supposed to be nice things but I feel only bad when this person keeps giving me things.

 

[watersprite]

Gifts are not supposed to be barbed hooks with fishing lines to negative interpersonal junk.

Agree, nothing wrong with what you are doing because your reaction seems neutral.

Missing the part... where you get to say a guiltless "no?"

IMHO, if a person gives a thing you don't want, simply give it back.

Sounds like whoever this is he/she is an angry person who I would say is a good person .... to stay away from.

 

[Mia]

When someone gives you a gift there is a cultural expectation that you should reciprocate at some point. Sometimes the gift is is a way of indicating a kindness, or a fondness that the gift giver is expressing. A way to show that they care about you, and there is no need for reciprocation.

Some people indicate by giving a gift their like of a person, in a manner that they cannot express in any other way. Often it doesn't matter what the gift actually is, it's a way for them to indicate that they consider you someone they like.

There are other reasons people give gifts; to ingratiate, to show gratitude, to indicate to others that they have money, to use the gift as a way to make you obligated to them.

If you are uncomfortable being given a gift, you should think about why it makes you feel that way and then decide which avenue to take, to circumvent it. Sometimes people can give gifts, with the expectation of something in return. Not returning the gift or favour, will eventually stop them from repeating the unwanted favour.

 

[garnetflower13]

I once knew a woman from my church who would get quite bossy and controlling when she wanted to give you something or do a favor. Once I had had surgery, and asked a friend to pick me up from the hospital. This friend could not drive me home after all, and she asked this woman (whom I did not like) to pick me up instead. This woman insisted on buying groceries for me, also restaurant food which I most certainly would not be able to eat for a few days, since the surgery had killed my appetite. She would not take no for an answer! So the restaurant meal went into the trash and so did most of the groceries since she had picked out things that she liked to eat and not what I preferred. Yet she tried very hard to make me feel guilty that she had gone to all that trouble when I had not asked her to.

Just to show that I understand how you feel, Grommet! This situation you describe sounds toxic and I am not sure what you should do about it. I hope that you can politely refuse the next unwanted gift by saying that you can't reciprocate so you don't feel comfortable accepting things.

 

[vorsichtautist]

What a pickle, since your not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth or was it count your chickens before they are hatched, no, it was you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.
I'm talking about the dreaded gift-giving aunt. Who would send you a handmade sweater, she worked so very hard on according to mom. Well, when she'd come to visit you're wearing that sweater. "Doesn't he look adorable", my aunt says. "Yes, he does. It's so nice that you thought of him." Mom lied. I knew already about lying back then, sometimes it's necessary to lie, because the alternative is less desirable. Sheldon Cooper would call this "nonoptional social conventions."

 

[WereBear]

This person is thinking of themselves, not you. I would avoid them.

 

[grommet]

Thank you everyone for helping. I am thinking quite a lot about what you have told me. I cannot say more now, I am stuck in a lot of feelings and trying to figure things out.

I really appreciate the help, it is very kind.

 

[Loomis]

Since you told the person giving you "gifts" that you did not want these gifts it is disrespectful of them to continue. They are the ones who ought to feel guilty- not you. You have every right to return these unwanted items and there is no need to be nice when you do return them.

 

[pax]

My mum did a similar thing when I was in my late teens /early twenties - she would buy me cheap clothing on special, but she expected me to pay for it and be eternally grateful that she bought it! It would invariably not fit, or the colour or style would look dreadful. After one particularly hideous purchase I told her it was awful and that I would not be wearing it so she should take it back. She called me immature and childish and attempted to make me feel guilty, but I pointed out that she was being childish for refusing to take no for an answer.
It was worse because when I was an adolescent and financially dependant she would not buy me new clothes. I do believe she is narcissistic.

Your aquaintance may be different and is trying to show appreciation in an inappropriate manner.

 

[zurb]

If a 'western' person keeps giving you things you don't want (and its not broken junk), politely accept it and give it to someone who will appreciate it (like the Salvation Army or other community help groups). We say we are 'blessed to be a blessing' - just pass it on.
If the person is Asian, then they might well be coming from a culture where gift giving is important. In this case, accept, but don't open the gift in front of them if wrapped, and be careful to reciprocate (doesn't have to be of any value) or they may think they are building credit with you that needs to be paid back when they have needs (or wants).
My 2¢ from my experience, YMMV.

 

[nowwhat]

This person is thinking of themselves, not you. I would avoid them.

Concise, perfect answer.

 

[grommet]

Still thinking about this every day and I am so confused. Thank you for all the good answers but it seems like more than one is correct. There is something I am missing and it feels like it is something obvious, maybe I do not want to see it. But I also misunderstand people, sometimes quite seriously, so I do not know what thoughts to trust (meaning my own).

Thank you for the help, I am still thinking.