Could I have some advice please?

[Vinca]

I have a regular grocery delivery and the delivery person varies depending on who is doing what shifts. There is a delivery guy that, based on the symptoms I experience, that I think I am attracted too. I kind of feel a combination of

and

Spoiler: Animated gif

Twice now he has casual thrown the question 'Are you doing anything tonight', into the conversation. The first time I said I was washing my hair, which was true as I do have set nights when I wash my hair, and it happen to be a hair washing night and I have a vague recollection that a gal telling a guy that 'she is washing her hair' was code for 'I'm not interested' but I'm not sure if that is commonly known amongst 'youner'(in their 20s) people. The most recent occassion that he asked me what I was doing, he also managed to fit into the conversation that the plans that he had had been cancelled.

Is him asking if I'm doing anything and letting me know that he isn't busy, just general chit-chat that's a bit friendly/flirty? Y'know in the way some people are just very chatty and will talk to all sundry about anything and everything. Or, is this his way of trying to test the waters about/working up to asking me out? (Advice would be appreciated)

I don't want to persue a romantic relationship with anyone at the moment. I'm still processing the emotional back-log from a serious relationship that ended recently. But I'm sure it is obvious to him that I am attracted to him, as I am hopeless at hiding that kind of thing.

I don't like the idea that on the one hand I am giving out a signal that I am attracted to him but on the other hand I wouldn't go out with him if he asked me. I feel like I am being dishonest but I don't know how to hide or switch off the being attracted to him. Is there a way to not come accross as being attracted to him? Should I behave a particular way? Most of the social skills I have learnt come through observing, firsthand, human interaction, but this isn't an area that I have observed in real life.

Is feeling like I am being dishonest, an over-reaction? Is giving out a signal of being attracted to someone whilst having no intention of things going anywhere something that would be accepted as common place?

Is it normal to be attracted to someone even though I know that being in a relationship is not what is best for me? Shouldn't deciding that I don't want to be in a relationship at the mo switch off the part of me that becomes attracted to a guy?

I'm aprehensive about the possibility of him asking me out as I'm not sure how to say no in a way that is clear but not unkind. What could I say, were this to happen?

Your thoughts, opinions, advice and experiences would be greatly appreciated

 

[tree]

What did he do/say when you said you were going to wash your hair?

Yes, 'washing your hair' is typically regarded as code for "not interested."
Similar to, but less heavy than, "I have to visit a sick friend/relative."
Less verifiable than "I have to work."

In what ways are you hopeless at concealing your attraction?
Are you blushing? Flipping/twirling your hair?
Sucking your fingers? (No, I don't think you are doing that....)
Rubbing up against him?
Standing closer than 3 feet to him?
Looking down and then flicking glance up to his eyes, with a little smile?
Giggling?
What are you doing that you believe is relaying to him that you find him attractive?

I was surprised when you said you wouldn't go out with him.
Aside from the getting-over-someone-else, what is the drawback about the delivery guy?
Age gap?

Sure being attracted to someone is normal.
I had a crush on a married evangelist a few years ago.
That wasn't a problem. I just thought he was really cool and a good preacher.

I don't know what I'd say if someone asked me out.
AND I didn't want to go.
I usually think there are so many places that I can't go, it sets up quite
a barrier as it is.

There is no chance that you and this fellow might socialize somewhere safe?
"Safe" = not a 'dating'/courtship atmosphere..

How accurate is it to say that sometimes you think that people get the impression you are more
friendly/affectionate than you really want to be?

The bold print is to make it easier for me to read.
Not to shout or be loud in any way...

 

[Judge]

I don't want to persue a romantic relationship with anyone at the moment. I'm still processing the emotional back-log from a serious relationship that ended recently. But I'm sure it is obvious to him that I am attracted to him, as I am hopeless at hiding that kind of thing.

That's understandable. How impulses and emotions can sometimes "color" our judgment. But yeah, it's usually nice when someone notices you and you know it.

In this instance perhaps it's best for your honesty to shine through and kindly say you aren't interested. And not to qualify it with future conditions. After all, it wouldn't be fair to lead him on under such circumstances.

 

[NTgirl4276]

disclaimer: this response is coming entirely from an NT perspective! ...

I don't mean to be insensitive to your predicament, but oh I find this so exciting! I love the image and gif you use to visualize what you're feeling.

I think it's certainly a possibility that you might be giving off a vibe that indicates your attraction, despite your rational hesitation to entertain the possibility of a relationship. those two things are entirely separate for many people; we often cannot control when and to whom we may find ourselves attracted. I wouldn't consider it dishonest at ALL. It would only become dishonest if, later on, you find yourselves spending time together and you let him believe that you are ready for a relationship when you know, in actuality, that you are not.

based on what you've described, it would seem to me that he is definitely testing the waters to gauge your interest. it may be that all he's waiting for is a solid "green light." If you're concerned that you may accidentally give him one, there's a few behaviors that you can employ to deflect him--or, at least, postpone the inevitable: 1) end conversations as quickly as possible. Respond cordially and politely to his questions, but don't actively try to keep the conversation going. 2) Do not show interest in his life by asking questions about what he's doing, how he is, etc. Keep all conversation, from your end at least, strictly business. And don't volunteer personal information about yourself or your life. 3) if all else fails, keep telling him you're washing your hair. Because yes, that is generally understood as a clear blow-off.

I offer this advice with one major caveat: I am only doing so because you've asked. In any other situation, I would encourage possibly entertaining the idea of getting to know him, if both of you are interested. I hear you when you say that you are not ready for a relationship, and I don't doubt the legitimacy of that conclusion. But you never know when someone special will come along. And, if the image/gif combo you used is any indication, this might be something special!

If he does ask you out before you're ready, I recommend that you be very candid and genuine; let him know that you are interested, but the timing is not ideal for you right now. If he's a good and mature man, he should understand and respect that. And, that response leaves open the possibility of getting to know each other later on, or perhaps getting to know each other as friends.

good luck!!!!

 

[Warmheart]

Warning: I'm really doofy at dating. I'm kinda the female version of...



My suggestion would be to go peek again at the pics you shared. Those feelings really mean something. Perhaps you might simply not be ready, as you suggest, for a relationship just yet. Or maybe you might consider going out with him, and take things exceptionally slowly? After all...

Perhaps he might also wish for a very gentle pace to the getting-to-know-you period of a friendship, too.

 

[Judge]

Warning: I'm really doofy at dating. I'm kinda the female version of...

Well, the thought of myself doesn't have any such images that come to mind. I'm sure you're more charming than Jar-Jar.

Me? Hmmmm. Can't think of any images, but how about some music to describe my apprehension of a date?

Yeah, making friends is always less stressful. And can lead to better things in time. Warmheart has a point...

 

[AsheSkyler]

It can't hurt to counter with "nah, are you doing anything tonight" and maybe take it slow.

It might go somewhere, you might just find a nice buddy to go goof off with on the town from time to time, or it may go nowhere.

 

[Tia Maria]

I have a regular grocery delivery and the delivery person varies depending on who is doing what shifts. There is a delivery guy that, based on the symptoms I experience, that I think I am attracted too.

Twice now he has casual thrown the question 'Are you doing anything tonight', into the conversation. The first time I said I was washing my hair, which was true as I do have set nights when I wash my hair, and it happen to be a hair washing night and I have a vague recollection that a gal telling a guy that 'she is washing her hair' was code for 'I'm not interested' but I'm not sure if that is commonly known amongst 'younger'(in their 20s) people. The most recent occasion that he asked me what I was doing, he also managed to fit into the conversation that the plans that he had had been cancelled.

Your thoughts, opinions, advice and experiences would be greatly appreciated

Vinca, I too loved your gifs!! Here are my quick responses to your Qs, just my thoughts & you know I am not on the spectrum.

Is him asking if I'm doing anything and letting me know that he isn't busy, just general chit-chat that's a bit friendly/flirty? Y'know in the way some people are just very chatty and will talk to all sundry about anything and everything. Or, is this his way of trying to test the waters about/working up to asking me out?

IMO him asking if you are doing anything that evening & letting you know he is not busy IS him testing the waters to see if you are interested in doing something with him, &/or working up the courage to ask you out.

A delivery person asking on two different occasions what you are doing later that evening is NOT normal causal chit chat.

I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with anyone at the moment. I'm still processing the emotional back-log from a serious relationship that ended recently. But I'm sure it is obvious to him that I am attracted to him, as I am hopeless at hiding that kind of thing.

I don't like the idea that on the one hand I am giving out a signal that I am attracted to him but on the other hand I wouldn't go out with him if he asked me. I feel like I am being dishonest but I don't know how to hide or switch off the being attracted to him. Is there a way to not come across as being attracted to him? Should I behave a particular way? Most of the social skills I have learnt come through observing, firsthand, human interaction, but this isn't an area that I have observed in real life.

I don't know how someone should act to NOT demonstrate their attraction to another person. It would be more of a "don't do this or that" & "don't say this or that" kind of thing, because doing or saying certain things can signal being attracted to another person.

Without actually seeing you interact with this person - or how you interact with people in general - it would be hard for me personally to comment on this specifically.

I would say that since you are probably just trying to be cordial & polite, & since your 'attraction' is something that is just natural, unless you are literally doing something extraordinary in your interactions with him, just continue being yourself.

Is feeling like I am being dishonest, an over-reaction?

IMO you are not being dishonest in any way, but your concern about it reflects that you are a kind & caring person.

Is giving out a signal of being attracted to someone whilst having no intention of things going anywhere something that would be accepted as common place?

IMO someone intentionally doing or saying something that would commonly give another person the impression that they 'like' them in a romantic way, when they have no intention of dating them, would be inconsiderate & unfair, not a nice or good thing to do.

However, I think when you write that you are giving out a 'signal' of being attracted, it is a more of a natural intrinsic reaction, correct? Because you do have some romantic attraction to this person which is just sort of 'shining through' in your personality when you interact with him ... versus you consciously saying or doing things to deliberately communicate to him that you like him.

As such, you are not doing anything improper or inconsiderate.

Is it normal to be attracted to someone even though I know that being in a relationship is not what is best for me?

IMO being attracted to someone (or not) is just a natural reaction based on so many different & entirely personal individualized factors which we cannot & do not control. So there is no 'normal'. Someone can be attracted to the "wrong" person (meaning someone not good for us, or not a good match), or attracted to the "right" person at the wrong time, or any other combination. It is the choices & actions we decide to make about our feelings & attractions that are within our control.

Shouldn't deciding that I don't want to be in a relationship at the moment switch off the part of me that becomes attracted to a guy?

No, I don't think so. The attraction is your emotional feeling, the decision that it is not a good time to date right now is a mental logical decision.

Sometimes our feelings about another person or situation may be influenced by our 'thoughts' (i.e.; our logic based opinions) & eventually change how we feel, over a period of time.

I'm apprehensive about the possibility of him asking me out as I'm not sure how to say no in a way that is clear but not unkind. What could I say, were this to happen?

If he asks you out directly, you could simply tell him that you would be interested in dating & getting to know him better, except that you recently ended a long term relationship & are not yet ready to date anyone.

That would be an honest explanation which is clear, yet kind, & also explains why you might be 'signaling' a mutual attraction. It also 'leaves the door open' that someday in the future you might be more receptive to a follow-up invitation.

 

[Tia Maria]

Warning: I'm really doofy at dating. I'm kinda the female version of...



My suggestion would be to go peek again at the pics you shared. Those feelings really mean something. Perhaps you might simply not be ready, as you suggest, for a relationship just yet. Or maybe you might consider going out with him, and take things exceptionally slowly? After all...

Perhaps he might also wish for a very gentle pace to the getting-to-know-you period of a friendship, too.

Vinca, I would also give some serious thought to what Warmheart (& some others) wrote about all this. How often do you meet someone for whom you feel this kind of attraction? Do you know anything about this guy? Does he seem like a nice &/or special person? How much are you enjoying & valuing this relationship free period of your life?

These are just some more things for you to think about & consider.

 

[Vinca]

What did he do/say when you said you were going to wash your hair?

I don't think he said anything. There was a long enough silence for me to feel awkward about what I'd said and think "Did i just tell him I'm washing my hair? that's a bit of a random thing to say, and possibly an over-share".

Yes, 'washing your hair' is typically regarded as code for "not interested."
Similar to, but less heavy than, "I have to visit a sick friend/relative."
Less verifiable than "I have to work."

That's useful to know, thank you.

In what ways are you hopeless at concealing your attraction?
Are you blushing? Flipping/twirling your hair?
Sucking your fingers? (No, I don't think you are doing that....)
Rubbing up against him?
Standing closer than 3 feet to him?
Looking down and then flicking glance up to his eyes, with a little smile?
Giggling?
What are you doing that you believe is relaying to him that you find him attractive?

• My voice raises in pitch.
• If he's not looking directly at me I tend to stare at him and then as soon as he starts looking towards me I quickly look away.
• I tend to over-share about myself and my life, which I wouldn't usually do with other grocery delivery people.
• I get a nervous-excited kind of tension and don't breath as often.
• When he showed me pictures of his pets on his mobile I was probably closer that 3feet.
• I become more smily, jokey and whist I don't think I giggle, per say, I probably add a airy 'ha ha ha', at the end of some of my sentences.
• I remember things that's he said and ask him relavent questions, not in an interogational way, but in a taking an interest kinda way.
• I think I get the look that kids have on their face when they are looking in a cake shop window at the cakes.
• I've often been told that I'm a 'loud thinker' ie people can tell what I am thinking simply by looking at my face.

I was surprised when you said you wouldn't go out with him.
Aside from the getting-over-someone-else, what is the drawback about the delivery guy?
Age gap?

Having thought about it, it's not the getting over the loss of my previous relationship that is getting in the way. It's more that - whilst age wise, I was an adult in the previous relationship, in hindsight, I realise that I was emotionally immature and inexpereinced and didn't know how to recognise an unhealthy relationship, which is what it was. I think I need time to process and recover from that before I will confident about taking on the challenges that are part of a relationship. Also, I want to understand more about aspergers and to get to grips with 'how I work'.

Sure being attracted to someone is normal.
I had a crush on a married evangelist a few years ago.
That wasn't a problem. I just thought he was really cool and a good preacher.

So, do you think being attracted to a person is based on what we naturally find attractive? And it's not something that is a deliberate chioce?

I don't know what I'd say if someone asked me out.
AND I didn't want to go.
I usually think there are so many places that I can't go, it sets up quite
a barrier as it is.

It's similar for me, in that there are alot of places that I can't go.

There is no chance that you and this fellow might socialize somewhere safe?
"Safe" = not a 'dating'/courtship atmosphere..

I don't think so.

How accurate is it to say that sometimes you think that people get the impression you are more
friendly/affectionate than you really want to be?

I think that is fairly accurate.

 

[NTgirl4276]

• I think I get the look that kids have on their face when they are looking in a cake shop window at the cakes.

just popping back in to say: this is lovely and, dare I say, a rare thing.