Continuous Struggle

[Markness]

@Markness
I feel like my past is marked by failure so my future is already decided.

That is an example of one of the harmful non-rational
beliefs people sometimes hold:

The idea that past history is an all-important determiner of your present behavior & because something once strongly affected your life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.

What should I do about this line of thinking?

 

[tree]

What should I do about this line of thinking?

That is an excellent question.

It implies that you are coming to understand that your feelings
are affected by your thinking (aka, the stories you tell yourself.)

How do you suppose you can counter illogical thoughts?
What sort of things can you say to those thought?

 

[Darkkin]

What should I do about this line of thinking?

Acknowledge it and consciously address it.

I had to take blocks and a shovel away from my best friend last weekend because she was having an anxiety attack. Her brain was pulling up even the most minor of negative memories from the past. She was using those to 'measure' her 'worth' and she knew it was ridiculous, but her brain was telling her otherwise. Her brain wanted to keep digging into noncorollary context because of habit, not logic.

I asked her how items A, Q, I, and G were revelant to the here and now. There was no logical reasoning. By asking how the squash relates to the apple, it made her consciously stop digging. I was more than willing to lend her some blocks to build some steps to climb out of the hole. She just needed someone to listen and talk it out with.

She refocused away from the downward track and stepped back onto the facts. Anxiety is a chemical imbalance, it is inherited, she comes by it honestly, and it is not a weakness, just a feature of her neurotype. What her brain was telling her about her worth as a human being was a load of tripe. As anybody who knows her would tell her. Truly, she is someone you want in your corner in a tough situation.

She is one of the kindest and most trustworthy people I know, but she forgets to see how far she has come and all the work she has done. I've seen her progress, the effort she has put in, how much she has grown as a person emotionally. While she still struggles with anxiety, she knows she can reach out to a number of us and we will take the shovel. She knows she is worthy of the blocks we willingly give.

 

[cornman]

When i was extremely depressed and suicidal, i used to think about the future like that too. "given all that i know about things, it seems reasonable to conclude that my fate is sealed and positive change is extremely unlikely"

For a moment lets ignore the fact that, when people are suicidal and depressed, they typically aren't thinking logically. Lets suppose that the "rational" conclusion is a bleak one. Even then, i argue this, you need to have a less deterministic view of the future by recognizing that change is not only possible, but is in fact inevitable (in a manner of speaking).

I think that people seriously misunderstand what hope is. It isn't some naïve optimistic view of a brighter future that stands in blunt contrast to a dark, unforgiving reality. Its just the recognition of possibility, that the deterministic plot we have in our head isn't as concrete as we'd like to believe.

In other words, I cant, and wont tell you that "It gets better". I do not claim to actually understand your situation enough to make such a statement.

But what i will tell you is that you should never discount that possibility from occurring, the future is promised and revealed to no one, remember that.

 

[Thinx]

The future isn't determined by the past. The future unfolds as a result of what we do in the present. Now. I can take action only in the present. You could give up guitar and take up the penny whistle or harmonica or banjo. You could map out an idea for a story. You could go for a walk outdoors.

You can start a process of change that feels interesting or right for you. The present is the best time to take action. The past is gone. But maybe we learned from it. The future isn't here yet. But the present is. Do something interesting and a bit different.

 

[Markness]

That is an excellent question.

It implies that you are coming to understand that your feelings
are affected by your thinking (aka, the stories you tell yourself.)

How do you suppose you can counter illogical thoughts?
What sort of things can you say to those thought?

I honestly don’t know. I’ve tried countering worry with positive thinking but it didn’t succeed. It was back in 2013 when an ex-friend didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday (This was before she herself told me she was no longer my friend.) right away, I kept telling myself to just be patient and she would eventually do so. As I sat waiting for that phone call, my stress bubbled up and my head felt hot. She never called and most of the day was gone before I finally stopped waiting. I felt like Bruce Banner begging the Hulk to see the world without anger at the end of the Hulk: The End comic. He didn’t succeed either.

 

[tree]

Let me know when the book you ordered arrives.
The one by Ellis and Harper.

 

[Markness]

Let me know when the book you ordered arrives.
The one by Ellis and Harper.

It’s supposed to come in tomorrow. I don’t have high hopes for it in all honesty.

 

[tree]

It’s supposed to come in tomorrow. I don’t have high hopes for it in all honesty.

Of course you don't.
Why should you?

I thought it was the stupidest title I'd ever seen
when I picked it up off the table, to read for a
class I had in grad school.

That's why I picked it out.
Because it sounded so dumb.

 

[Thinx]

I don't know this book, but the approaches it's based on seem to work well for some people. A lot of therapy depends most on who delivers it, and how.

This approach won't suit everyone, but I do think it's important to question where I am basing conclusions on emotions and where on thinking, plus what experiences I may have had that affect my emotions and my thinking. I hope this book will be useful to you.

 

[tree]

I hope he will make it useful to him.

It can only be as useful as the reader makes it.

It's not magic.
Putting it under your pillow and wishing isn't the way it works.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Not a self help book, but I really like Thinking to some Purpose by the philosopher Susan L. Stebbing. It came out before WWII so it's pretty old, but it was written with the public in mind and most of its points regarding rational thinking, propaganda and similes are still applicable today. It's sort of remarkable to see just how little society has changed in 80 years (quite some time is spent on demolishing anti-vaccination arguments for instance).

Anyways, this is a tangent, and I'm not sure it would help you @Markness as it isn't meant to deal with psychological issues. The title of the other book just reminded me of it, and it does go into more useful thought patterns. Thinking To Some Purpose (1939) : Stebbing L. Susan. : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

 

[Markness]

The book still hasn’t arrived yet.

I also saw a geeky/nerdy couple at the library today. Why can’t I be part of one, too? Just what did I do that was so bad I’ve been doomed to singlehood?

 

[tree]

what did I do that was so bad I’ve been doomed to singlehood?

I don't know.
You're the one making the story.
You tell me.

 

[Markness]

what did I do that was so bad I’ve been doomed to singlehood?

I don't know.
You're the one making the story.
You tell me.

I chose to not be like the majority but that seems to have shut the gates for me.

The book arrived. It’s still unwrapped and I won’t be able to truly read it for the time being.

I feel like no one wants me to have a relationship.

 

[Markness]

I don't know this book, but the approaches it's based on seem to work well for some people. A lot of therapy depends most on who delivers it, and how.

This approach won't suit everyone, but I do think it's important to question where I am basing conclusions on emotions and where on thinking, plus what experiences I may have had that affect my emotions and my thinking. I hope this book will be useful to you.

The biggest struggle I have with self-help books is that the authors never had the problems I have in regards to establishing a romantic relationship. It ruins my motivation to read them.

 

[tree]

The biggest struggle I have with self-help books is that the authors never had the problems I have in regards to establishing a romantic relationship. It ruins my motivation to read them.

You believe your situation is utterly unique and
that no techniques which have aided anyone else
could possibly apply to you?

 

[tree]

The book arrived. It’s still unwrapped and I won’t be able to truly read it for the time being.

You're right.
It won't be possible to read any of it
until you unwrap it.

Unless you've got x-ray vision.

 

[Thinx]

@Gerald Wilgus has posted a thread you may like then, as it's all about how people with autism have got into relationships. Spoiler: mostly we had to do tons of self help and work on ourselves! Get that book open and read it, bet you are a fast reader, @Markness !

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I honestly don’t know. I’ve tried countering worry with positive thinking but it didn’t succeed. It was back in 2013 when an ex-friend didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday (This was before she herself told me she was no longer my friend.) right away, I kept telling myself to just be patient and she would eventually do so. As I sat waiting for that phone call, my stress bubbled up and my head felt hot. She never called and most of the day was gone before I finally stopped waiting. I felt like Bruce Banner begging the Hulk to see the world without anger at the end of the Hulk: The End comic. He didn’t succeed either.

You can't counter an emotion, but you can find the negative things that you tell yourself that cause the feeling and rewrite that positively. Some of your ideation sounds like some PTSD, to me. Start noticing the positive around you, for starters. To use the best therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, you would need to take a deep and honest dive into your psyche, and some things are painful. Yet, in the five months being guided through CBT, I have rarely felt better, even with the recent surgery. Are you satisfied where you are, or are you going to fight for yourself?