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Constant thoughts of suicide due to being bullied at work

Utini

Utini

Well-Known Member
And by family members who are always trying to get me out of my shell and don't understand how I feel at all.

I'm stuck with the job I have, can't find one with equal pay and skills. I do great at my job, when I'm there all I do is work, everything gets done. Co workers see this as a threat and think I'm trying to make them look bad. I have explained that I am there to simply do my assigned duties.

Nurses at work are weirded out by me at times and always try to get me involved in social activities or doing stupid lunges with them in the hallway. There's a couple workers there that always pick at me, and just for my lack of social skills. One of them thanked me for something yesterday and I replied, "mmmhmm!" in a positive tone. I found this to be okay. She said "Excuse me? I said thank you." I said "Yes and I replied. She said "No, you said mmmhmm."

These little things are building up and I want an easy way out. My husband and family are the only reason why I won't kill myself. I have seen and felt what it does to others.
I have been a CNA all my life. I have never enjoyed it. I was pushed into it by my mother and I stuck with it because it's all I know. Change is scary for me. I just transferred to this floor about 5 months ago. I was proud of myself for doing it because new things in the workplace are scary as all hell. I worked on the other floor for 9.5 years.

What do you do at work when you are bullied and can't stand up for yourself? How do you break the obsession with dying?
 
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Hi Utini,

I’m sorry that you are stuck, like a whole lot of us are (me for one)...

I don’t have the answer, but I do dream of the life I want to lead... There is nothing wrong with that.

What is your dream job? Where is your dream place? What’s your dream home or apartment?

Bullies are just people filled with self hate that spills over on us... Or they are narcissistic morons... See them for what they are, nothing more, nothing less, and move on and always be the best version of YOU...

By the way a CNA is a very caring job (that might suck) but YOU HELP PEOPLE EVERYDAY... How can you truly hate that you are of VALUE? But yes it is fine to want to move forward.

What might be your next step up out of a CNA? Do you want to stay in hospital work? Maybe you want to be an Insurance underwriter, a grocery store stocker, or a dental Hygenist.... I have no idea, but what are your dreams?

Let those dreams drown the thoughts of suicide... It’s not an easy way out... It’s you cheating yourself out of a dream life that is yours if you (like me) get sick and tired of being sick and tired and take the leap of faith...

That faith is in ourselves...

I do hope you find your light again soon, its there... It never leaves us, we just cover it up with useless stuff that makes us think its no longer there...

You are cared for and you are more than you think you are... A couple of very kind people on this forum tell me this often...

Your post lets me see why they say it and why they mean it...

As I am told, LOVE yourself back to life, don’t let the ignorance of others steal it... Now I feel like a hypocrite, but its from the heart...

I hope you can turn this around soon. I have faith in you and I don’t even know you, but your a human life that has no price that can be calculated and depending on your beliefs, much more than that.

Smile inside and it will come back out... : )
 
I know change is scary.
I'm going through it and it's so hard to wake up to my new life with no one to talk with openly except my therapist.

I've never known any other way of life except with my parents and now I've lost both of them.
So just surviving day to day is difficult.
I don't have enough money to do anything except what
I am doing too. Living with an elderly man who wanted someone to help him and I contribute to house hold sharing expenses. His personality is like those nurses,
a hate filled bully.

But, as @Chance said, I have my dreams of somehow finding a different way of life.
I don't know how, but, keeping the faith is the only thing that can get you through.
Learning to love yourself no matter how rough you may feel is so important.
You say you have family that you know would hurt if
you weren't around.
That is such a thing to be thankful for.
I have no one that would care if I suddenly weren't on this planet.

I meditate and rest as often as I feel I need it and stay to myself most of the time.
I know it's impossible not to feel bad when someone pokes fun at you, but, think of other things when it happens. Take time for yourself and if you feel you need to change where you work, start at least thinking about it and that will lead to plans.
Thoughts are just that...thoughts.
With practice you can gradually change them to something you want.
It isn't an easy road but it isn't an impossible road either.
Just to hear you have family that cares makes me feel
so good for you. Cling to that.
If they are open to talking, share your feelings.
You can always share them here too.

Yes, Chance is a project in progress here.
And we all love him and cheer for him on in his quests.
Same to you. PM if you would like.
You can do it for yourself and family.;)
 
Man, your coworkers are assholes. They're clearly threatened by your skills and your efforts so they are playing passive aggressive childish games with you. Kudos to you for trying to be the bigger person and blocking them out like they don't exist. They are the problem, not you.
 
I could not of said it better, SunnyDay16. This sounds like my own workplace. To be honest, I try my hardest to detach from these types of employees and it’s exhausting, but vital to protect myself from childish drama that sucks the life out of me! I wish one of them to get better as I’m not descending to her level of disgust and hate she feels towards herself. I’m doing well in my job and I know it. I even got outstanding appraisals. Keep your head down and socialise to a minimum. Report people if you can.
 
If you can't improve the unbearable situation the best answer seems to move out of it. Back to your old floor, or a new one perhaps. Maybe even a different facility. Yes, suicide isn't an option, for the reasons you gave... you have to stay in the fight for your family. It's not the right choice even for just yourself in this case, but that is harder to see. The bottom line of work is you're not there for socializing, you're there for the paycheck.
 
My experience was that with bullies in the workplace, the problem was usually solved through attrition. That such people don't last forever in the same job. That someone on a higher level catches up with their antics and they eventually disappear from the company entirely.

"What goes around, comes around."
 
The question isn't which type of help to look for. The question is: How many types of help can you find? Use every source of help you can find.

First, thank you for sharing. Getting those feelings and thoughts out in the open is the first step to changing them. Keep coming back. Write. Ramble. Rant. Complain. There are a lot of people here who know what you're going through.

Second, many companies offer counseling as an employee benefit. See if your benefits include that, and look into making use of it.

Third, practice advocating for yourself. You might need to have practice conversations with your husband or someone else, to get ready for the real conversations you need to have with your boss or with HR. I tend to plan these conversations like I'm writing a choose-your-own-adventure book.

Lastly, are there small steps or small changes you can make? Perhaps transferring to a different floor or taking a class you are interested in. Don't think "new career" yet - just take a class. Small steps.

Keep posting. Keep in touch.
 
Please don’t kill yourself. I understand how you feel. Bullying crippled me. They aren’t worth it. Leave and find a better more accepting environment.
 
I understand how it feels to want to just end it, still do sometimes, so know that you're not alone. We're all here for you, your family is there for you. Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? A problem shared is a problem halved.
 
Utini said:
And by family members who are always trying to get me out of my shell and don't understand how I feel at all.

I'm stuck with the job I have, can't find one with equal pay and skills. I do great at my job, when I'm there all I do is work, everything gets done. Co workers see this as a threat and think I'm trying to make them look bad. I have explained that I am there to simply do my assigned duties.

Nurses at work are weirded out by me at times and always try to get me involved in social activities or doing stupid lunges with them in the hallway. There's a couple workers there that always pick at me, and just for my lack of social skills. One of them thanked me for something yesterday and I replied, "mmmhmm!" in a positive tone. I found this to be okay. She said "Excuse me? I said thank you." I said "Yes and I replied. She said "No, you said mmmhmm."

These little things are building up and I want an easy way out. My husband and family are the only reason why I won't kill myself. I have seen and felt what it does to others.
I have been a CNA all my life. I have never enjoyed it. I was pushed into it by my mother and I stuck with it because it's all I know. Change is scary for me. I just transferred to this floor about 5 months ago. I was proud of myself for doing it because new things in the workplace are scary as all hell. I worked on the other floor for 9.5 years.

What do you do at work when you are bullied and can't stand up for yourself? How do you break the obsession with dying?
Click to expand...

Can you get some weekly therapy, and or find a suicide hotline, or group in which to find some comfort? Can you switch to another CNA work place? My heart goes out to you. Can you find some passions out side of work to engage in like art, crafts, yoga, exercise, volunteering, or pets? My pets have always helped me in the very worst of times - even my fancy goldfish! Keep posting here, too, because we are going to listen and be there for you.
 
I went through hell last year and there probably wasn't a day I didn't think about suicide.

I would never do that though, in part because of my family, but also because there is something on the other side of hell, and to get there you have to go through hell.

Maybe on the other side you'll find someone else still going through it, and you'll need to help them.

Maybe by choosing not to die you'll save lives in your future.

I'm sure you'll improve many lives in the future, and they need you to keep going.

Read Victor Frankl, Man's search for meaning. It's about finding meaning in your life that can help through any circumstance.

Any circumstance.

The author was an Auschwitz survivor.
 
Full Steam said:
Read Victor Frankl, Man's search for meaning. It's about finding meaning in your life that can help through any circumstance.
Click to expand...

Great recommendation. I read that book over 25 years ago, and I still quote (or more likely misquote) it: "Man can live with any how if he has the proper why."
 
Full Steam said:
I think that was Neitzsche, quoted in the book.
Click to expand...

I did not know that. Nor could I ever be bothered to look up the original quote, apparently. A quick bit of googling tells me that the whole internet knew this already, but never bothered to tell me. :oops:

Here's the quote by Neitzsche that I've been misquoting: “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

Thanks, @Full Steam
 
Nervous Rex said:
I did not know that. Nor could I ever be bothered to look up the original quote, apparently. A quick bit of googling tells me that the whole internet knew this already, but never bothered to tell me. :oops:

Here's the quote by Neitzsche that I've been misquoting: “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

Thanks, @Full Steam
Click to expand...
Easy mistake to make, since its a central theme in the book.
 
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